Because of you..

:: 2010 2 September :: 12.12pm

I really can't do this.

:: 2010 27 August :: 11.53am

�What does love look like?� is the question I�ve been pondering
�What does love look like?�
�What does love look like?� is the question I�ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding

Love�s definition, love�s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love

He said to me, �You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me�

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody�s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you�ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father�s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You�ll come alive when you learn to die

jes	:: 2010 23 August :: 8.36pm You give my life more meaning than I could of ever imagined. I already am in love with you. I cannot wait to look into those eyes...see that smile...give you all my love...and have my life complete. do you love me?

:: 2010 9 August :: 6.44pm

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

Every season brings something new for God to teach us. And in every season, as hard or as easy at the good may be to find...it's still always there. Blessings are still always present. I have a lot of blessings, and they definatly out weigh my problems. Some would belly ache and feel angry at the world, but I'm not going to do that.

I have a great husband, already the worlds most precious child, a GREAT set of families, friends, and church family. Everything else is just stuff, things, or money. All re-placable.

Thank you God for carrying my worries, my stress, and my short comings. Thank you for covering me with your blood, making it ok that I am in-perfect.

:: 2010 28 July :: 2.38pm

Well we had two names picked out for both sexes. One he really liked for a girl, and one I really liked. Vice versa for the boy. Here they are:

Jess-(Girl) Addison Hope Ellison
(Boy) Aiden Gabriel Ellison

Ryan-(Girl) Hailey Brooke Ellison
(Boy) Landon Grabriel Ellison

So because I couldn't swade him to pick both my names, and I REALLY love Addison, we decided if it's a girl, it'll be Addison, if it's a boy he gets his pick and it'll be Landon. Although I have to say...I still can't quiet picture it...at all. "Landon, honey come here" or "Landon Gabriel Ellison you are in big trouble mister"....I can't picture it. *crosses my fingers* it's a girl, so I have another two years to talk him into liking Aiden lol.

2 love me | do you love me?

:: 2010 27 July :: 11.51am
:: Mood: insanely over-joyed.

Could it be any better than this?
I am thankful to the Lord for the life he has given me. In my 21 years of life, I've been exceedingly blessed! I believe He pours blessings into all of our lives, and it's up to us to discover and praise them, or wish we had more and ignore those already in front of us.

I've had my time of bad choice after bad choice, from my middle school years up until high school graduation. I've had my fair share of causing more trouble for myself than ever needed, tangling my life up in lies and changing my mind, I've had my fair chance to destroy and damage relationships and friendships, my fair share at having pour respect for myself, my time of being the most selfish person who couldn't be happy for anyone else who had something physically or emotionally that I WANTED, I've had my fair share of finding a way at being depressed about every little thing like my life was never good enough, I've had my FAIR share at complaining about everything that ever came into my life, because of course....it SHOULD have been better, and OF COURSE, I deserved more than what I was given, the list goes on.

Then I found God, and really gave my life to living in the fact that I trust him above all other things. Although it isn't close to being easy sometimes...and I fall short every day, I put him before all other things my marriage, my realtionships, my dreams, my future, and I trust that his path for me is the right one, that leads to the most meaningful blessings. As soon as I started living for God, immediatly my entire life changed. My relationship with my family was restored, my friendships became many, blessed, and strong, the respect I had for myself changed drastically, and then along came my husband, and along comes my first child. I owe everything to God! I thank Him, and praise Him!

I don't know what it is about this morning, but I woke up, ready to just ENJOY everything. From the food I put in my mouth, the house stuff I needed to get done for the day, the finicial list of to do's, to the book I'm reading. Today I am happy. "Today is the day that the Lord has made, we shall rejoice and be glad in it."

It isn't always easy to find the good when it feels or seems like so much bad is going on around you, but if you really look at whats REALLY important, and that you are loved, you have food in stomach, a place to call home, family, friends, and above all things a Lord and Creator who LOVEs each and everyone of us, would do anything for us, such as die for us, how could you still salk in misery and sorrow?

My life is by no means perfect to the standard of today's word. We don't have a lot of money, I am searching for a job...already over 4 months pregnant, I have no idea how long we will be in this house...that gets broken into and cars broken into all the time, I've been immensly hurt by those I love in the past, neither of us has a dream career/job, we don't drive nice cars, can't go out and do whatever we want on the weekends as we have abudget we are strickly trying to stick to, the list goes on. And YET I would consider my life in the sense of what's REALLY important pretty near perfect. I have a husband who loves me, adores me, treats me great, and is going to be the world's most AMAZING father. Our marriage isn't perfect, it has many many flaws. We like everyone else, have our up's and down's, but we forgive, we forget, we move on, we respect one another, we treat each other well, we try out very hardest o keep promises, do our best, and when we fall short, we forgive and get over it. I have a beautiful, precious, gorwing baby inside of me getting bigger and bigger every day, I have two really supportive and wonderful family's, plus the worlds greatest church family that means so much to us both, and amazing friendships. We have enough money to pay our bills, to be fed, and to save for our baby. I couldn't really hope for more. Ryan just found out today he only has 7 more classes, that he will be done by summer, and I am SO incrediably proud of him and how hard he has worked despite working 3rd shift and having no time to sleep, to now working 50+ hours a week, baby on the way, a wife to spend time with, church activies, a life! And he has worked so hard, and I honestly have never been so proud of someone in my entire life! He is apporaching the finish line so quickly, and I am his number one biggest fan!! I'm there waiting at that finish line cheering as loud as I can!!

God gives me cards, and I make the best out of what I'm dealt. I know there is a reason behind every thing that He chooses to have happen, and I know there is a season for everything. This just so happens to be an AMAZING season of blessings, love, and we are soooo grateful! I can't wait to hold that bare skinned baby up against my chest while he/she sleeps and makes the most adorable baby sounds, coo's, and yawns. :)

All praise and glory be to God!

:: 2010 24 July :: 3.00am
:: Mood: numb

I should have known better.

I don't care what other people's beliefs, opionon's are, or what's acceptable to them. I'm not other people. I don't live my life for other people.

It's not acceptable to me. That is not what WE discussed.

No one but �OU could understand how hurt I am, how much my heart feels like its being ripped out of my chest..once again.

I walk blindly...trusting someone who told me they could see ahead...turns out you're the blind one.

I feel so scared I can barely breathe, and it's all your fault. Selfish and pathetic. Will you ever expierence this kind of anxiety? No..because you are taken....care of for life.

:: 2010 21 July :: 11.20pm

How long do u live your life "playing by the rules" and "doing things the right way" even if u hate it more than anyything before u actually go out and do what u really want to do and get the things out of life that are actually importnat to you? I don't want to play it safe anymore.I can't live like this-i need help but there is no where to get help- admitting failure .... I wish I could start over again and focus on what I was made for. I wish I could understand why I am like thuis and I wish I could know the right things to do. I just feel like there really are no solutions and I hate it

1 love me | do you love me?

:: 2010 18 July :: 11.48am
:: Mood: annoyed

un-grateful.
I'm annoyed by people and their constant complaining. Be grateful for something! Find the positive somewhere in the negative.

I know everyone needs to vent and that's understandable,but there's just no reason to think the world is coming to an end because heaven forbid something doesn't go our way.

People are homeless, starving, filthy and cold sleeping under bridges with no family, no friends, no hope, people are fighting cancer, greifing loss, have nothing to call their own after disasters strike, and everyday we find a reason to complain. My life isn't perfect, my prayer list is 10 pages long, but I'm still grateful and HAPPY!

Sometimes I wish certain people would wake up on the other side of the world, with nothing but faith..and maybe they'd be a bit more apprciative and not act like the world is ending because of petty and pathetic crap.

jes	:: 2010 14 July :: 6.04pm To have a friend, you must be a friend. do you love me?

jes	:: 2010 18 June :: 2.28pm Hey negative nancy...is there anything you DON'T complain about? So much belly aching..is there anything you're actually grateful for? Of course not... do you love me?

:: 2010 16 June :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: in the middle of a mood swing...
:: Music: casting crowns-if we are the body

I'm craving a pickel....
Yes, it's true...I'm pregnant. Almost exactly 3 months. Am I excited? Yes, of course. Does this mean that I want to talk about being pregnant, that I crave pickels, get dirreha from greasy food, puke sometimes when I brush my teeth, what the coolest stroller on the market is, if I plan to breast feed..and if so for how long, do I discharge when pregnant, is it true you're really more horny, NO NO NO!! Good Lord, I don't even want to talk about that with my husband let alone Mr. Clemintine down the street I've met once...or the girl from high school I haven't seen since graduation. Yet..here I am talking about it. How ironic. When you tell the world you're pregnant ...it's like nothing else matters. "I got hit by a car last week", ...."SO how's that baby, feel any kicks yet?". C'mon. I cannot wait to be a mother...actually I can! I have 6 more months to enjoy not having a child for the rest of my life, can we please talk about this new outfit I bought to cover up my buldging stomach? Thanks.

Maybe another side effect of pregnancy is constantly being annoyed by people. Ignorance is bliss, no? I don't claim to be perfect, because well ...I'm not. The fact that I can't stand judgemental people...point in case right there. Maybe that kind of defeats my whole annoyance, I'm not sure. I just really don't think President Obama nor the bum who walks around my neighborhood a few times a day has any right to judge me or my neighbor. You may not agree with my life choices, my crappy spelling and grammer, or what I believe when it comes to how you should treat your parents, how long is TOO long to change the cat litter, or how to handle a sexual preditor but as long as it isn't offending right from wrong..and basic morals, maybe you should just keep your mouth closed. You too can easily be judged on the exact words you're speaking of. I'm not perfect, neither are you. So no one should be judging anyone. If you're going to judge me on my income, maybe I should judge you on your sanity? Fair, no. Because no one has any place. Nor does anyone actually listen to the point of the one placing judgements on others. A lesson I had to learn the hard way, most definatly. Hopefully everyone learns this lesson in life. Unfortunately some never do.

Today the woodchuck living under our front porch (yes we live in DOWNTOWN grand rapids and have a whole circus of zoo animals...skunks, woodchucks, rabbits, birds, moles, ect.) killed something as I was doing camp work in the living room. All I could hear was the screeching sound of the prey as the woodchuck snarled, hissed, and attacked. Did I mention...I really cannot wait to move out of Grand Rapids? :)

My sister is getting married! In less than a month. I'm so excited! I'm trying not to smuther and want to help plan, and plot lol but I'm just so happy for her. She's my only sister, and I want her to have the most memorable and special day like I did. Minus loosing any important documentations that actually prove you're married...heh. Or..nearly crashing your car into the highway divider because you've been up for 48 hours on your way to Detriot at 2 am to leave for your honeymoon. Guess who didn't have sex the night of their honeymoon, just kidding...or am I?

I can't cook chicken....it reminds me of a fetus when I'm cooking it...sick.

I have a pretty amazing husband...don't get me wrong he really gets under my skin sometimes (love you honey!) as does any spouse, boyfriend, fiance, but I could not do this pregnancy without him. He is my very best friend, who makes me laugh, and even cry. (Good tears...for the most part ;) lol) We have our moments and fights like any other couple, but he isn't afraid to call me out when I'm being selfish or just a big baby. One thing I've loved about him from day 1, is that he never is disappointed in me. He doesn't have all these expectations for me, other than to love him and be there for him. So when I mess up, I never feel like my head it rubbed into my mess. He always lends a helping hand to get me back up to where I want to be. I love him for everything he is to me...my best friend, my security guard at night when I hear any noise, my lover, my chef when I'm craving the worlds BEST grilled cheese, my husband, and soon to be father of our child. He's just great.

There goes the woodchuck again..I wonder what he killed now. Hope it wasn't one of my dogs. On that note..I should probably go check.

:: 2010 11 May :: 10.05pm

i need glasses. gr. i just cant afford them. its bugging me.

1 love me | do you love me?

:: 2010 15 April :: 9.56pm

I wish I could vent and write about all my problems
like I used on woohu-but I've changed a lot since like age 15 when I first started using this and the difference is I actually care about keeping my personal life private. Sucks when you need an outlet though.

Su