robbingnovember
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2017 24 July :: 9.21pm
It's K's birthday today. I just turned 30 a few days ago. I feel sad tonight. I feel a sense of loss. I'm going to have to redecorate my apartment. I mostly felt happy and loved on my birthday-- I think this year should be really healthy. No one in the romantic genre wished me a happy birthday. It just feels like it is all finally setting in. (I wrote settling in at first..) I bought art to replace the pictures in my bedroom.. I think I should really paint the wall. I need to figure out how to make that happen because I think it would make me happy. I gotta figure out how to fix these lights.... ahhh. I feel some dread, but I think good things are to come.. I hope
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robbingnovember
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2017 21 June :: 10.41pm
:: Music: Yaz
Only you
After reading through years of past journals and laughing and feeling bad for being so mean and hopeless.. isn't it kind of funny that I could have actually been with the person I wanted to be with the most and I threw it away!!?!?!?! I fucking threw it away!
If that doesn't keep ya up at night, what does?
Years ago, I said, "but it never ends"... but what if it does? What if it did?
I thought we were connected by an invisible (somehow) red string. I believed in that more than anything else.
What if we never talk again? Will this be the last thing I ever write about him? Does he know I still think about him constantly? That I'm sorry, but I just wasn't ready? That I honestly don't think we would work out anyway, but I still want to try?
I'm haunted, man.
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robbingnovember
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2017 21 June :: 10.09pm
yuck, i just ate this veggie burger that was nasty and now I am afraid I will get food poisoning...
I was that girl kind of crying on the train today. A familiar role. I have a problem with perfectionism and I don't want to edit myself, but whenever I write I have hard time not thinking about how it will come out first.
I think I am edging closer to making a more definite decision. Minus the fact that when I truly think about it, I get upset. I'm hoping that I will have a crisis of conscience one day. Although that makes me fucking sad. I've never been able to end it with anyone. I'm sure that is fodder for therapy.
Sometimes you just have to sit and listen to case of you.
I'm hoping I have no idea what is in store.
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robbingnovember
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2017 20 June :: 9.20pm
I've been feeling emotional lately. I just cry about all of these things. I'm feeling helpless and lost. I haven't been taking care of myself the way i planned to... still numbing and finding it difficult to be alone. I need to figure out how to motivate myself to start these processes. Things that need to happen include: 1. create art 2. write poetry 3. write 4. sing 5. meditate 6. work out 7. make food. 8. do yoga 9. read. Maybe I have to sit down and try to figure out how to schedule these things. Maybe I can add one thing like this to my day each day-- although I really should meditate daily. I truly think this is the only way to get out of this funk and when I have dedicated myself to this then maybe I will join match ....
I feel sad about all sorts of things. (but I always thought that I'd see you again). I'm sad because I am getting older and I have to let go of long held fantasies. Jeff is going to get married to that beautiful blonde girl. Daniel is never going to leave group for me. I wish I were someone else's fantasy. I'm sad because I love my nephew so much, but I won't get to see him that often. I'm sad because sometimes my job stresses me out so much and sometimes i think I'm terrible at it. So many people have been fired from my work-- I'm always afraid I am on the chopping block. I'm scared about money- I'm scared I don't know about anything about finances and I won't be able to take care of myself. I'm sad about K. I am so sad about K. I feel so stuck because I love him, but we are in the same place we were in 6 months ago. Something that makes me really sad is that sometimes I think I made him feel not good enough and that's a burden that cuts deep. I'm scared because I feel all this sadness and stress is really terrible for my health.
I know the only thing I can work on is myself. I don't know what my block is. Why am I so scared to be alone? What demons do I have to face? What is so terrible with being bored? Maybe it will be good to cry every day
Honestly that family I work with is driving me INSANE. I hate seeing them. I can't sleep at night before I go see them and it takes me all week to heal. I selfishly hope they will quit because being with them makes me face all of my inadequacies. Maybe I will do art nowwwww.
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robbingnovember
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2017 22 May :: 10.11pm
I feel locked in my own thoughts. I'm writing because I don't know how to describe what is going on or how I feel and feel truly understood. Every time I try to move on... I can't do it. I don't know how. I keep making these feeble attempts and feel worse than if I hadn't tried at all.
When I think about leaving him.. I don't think I can. I can't leave because I need him and I think he needs me. He is closer to me than my family and I am the only one he can open up to and be vulnerable with. I am truly and utterly ambivalent. I love him so much. I don't know how to love him and not sacrifice.
I honestly think the only thing I can do is to start to create art and maybe I can figure this out. Maybe that is what I should pursue fervently and it will come to me.
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robbingnovember
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2016 27 January :: 10.21pm
Won't you stay with me just a little longer
How can one even think when one has so much to think about? I am getting that 2015 feeling right now that I can't do enough right and that life is a stressful and horrible struggle. A FRUITLESS struggle. I don't know. I had this feeling like I'm totally fucking in love with Daniel. And one day soon, he will leave me. I can't help feeling like this is the case and me even thinking it SCARES me because I am too in touch. It is probably already happening. I don't think I am going to survive that.... I keep imagining it and it is horrible. I don't even know how I can go to work and think and DO ANYTHING. I'm not entirely sure I can live without him... and I think I will have to...I feel like I have no one I can really talk to about this. I don't know what to do.. I love him so much. He wouldn't even ask me to do anything... but I would do it. I would do anything...
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robbingnovember
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2016 3 January :: 9.29pm
Ah man. Was right as always. I have two gifts. One is knowing when people are into me and the other is knowing when people are about to break it off.. I'm kind of confused about how I feel. I think I feel more embarrassed and ego bruised than anything. I think I liked him? I really liked him as a person more and more- he was kind, reliable, smart, goofy. He was good to me. It's ironic that I am showing more feelings about this relationship than I ever have to him. I don't know why I couldn't do it. Natania says it is because I just didn't feel compelled to-- that I should find someone that I feel passionate and excited about. I guess we had a huge chunk of relationship missing-- in terms of talking at all about any sort of feelings. I'm just sad that I never got to tell him all the good things I thought and felt. Maybe that would have changed the course of things. I honestly don't know. I haven't been doing the mirror exercise and I need to start dating camp. What else can I do? He was good to me... OH WELL. He was even good to me in the end. He bought me dinner and walked me home. Now that is a good guy. I guess I need to trust that my body was doing the right thing. I'm just worried that I fucked it up-- like it was a good thing that I fucked up. I felt nice with him. I felt safe. I was attracted to him at times... I was happy to figure it out, but I guess I need to wake the fuck up. I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to have the relationship I so desperately want. I guess I need to keep practicing with Daniel. I will do whatever it is I need to do to grieve. I'm really going to try to learn my lesson this year-- speak your feelings before you ask questions. I swear I feel like I am in the same place I was 3.5 years ago with Vishal. I must recommit. I will meet the right person by Aug 1st this year!
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robbingnovember
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2016 2 January :: 7.14pm
I won't cut fresh flowers for you
I'm glad it is 2016, but it turns out a change in year does not come with a complete metamorphosis. I'm still the same person! Luckily, one concrete change is occurring this year with my job. PHEW. HALLELUJAH! If nothing else, that is significant. As for my love life.. I don't fucking know. i'm sitting here freaking out because I think Kenan is going to break it off with me. He asked me to "meet up" tomorrow. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! I totally blame myself. I have not taken any of the lessons I have learned into this relationship. I haven't said how I feel at all and I have been a complete mean basket case. I feel like I am waiting for my execution. I don't know if I am ever going to get this right... I really don't. Plus, I'm being even more crazy by secretly thinking I am still in love with Jeff even though he seems to be in another relationship. I guess I prefer to pine in secret. I can't deal with this Kenan thing I can't believe I ever went out with him. He is too entrenched in my social circle.
Plus, the whole Daniel thing.. I give up. I'm subdued. Second day of 2016!!! WOOOOOO. I gotta find a way to get my shit together for real.
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robbingnovember
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2016 2 January :: 7.14pm
I won't cut fresh flowers for you
I'm glad it is 2016, but it turns out a change in year does not come with a complete metamorphosis. I'm still the same person! Luckily, one concrete change is occurring this year with my job. PHEW. HALLELUJAH! If nothing else, that is significant. As for my love life.. I don't fucking know. i'm sitting here freaking out because I think Kenan is going to break it off with me. He asked me to "meet up" tomorrow. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! I totally blame myself. I have not taken any of the lessons I have learned into this relationship. I haven't said how I feel at all and I have been a complete mean basket case. I feel like I am waiting for my execution. I don't know if I am ever going to get this right... I really don't. Plus, I'm being even more crazy by secretly thinking I am still in love with Jeff even though he seems to be in another relationship. I guess I prefer to pine in secret. I can't deal with this Kenan thing I can't believe I ever went out with him. He is too entrenched in my social circle.
Plus, the whole Daniel thing.. I give up. I'm subdued. Second day of 2016!!! WOOOOOO. I gotta find a way to get my shit together for real.
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robbingnovember
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2015 29 November :: 9.04pm
I know I have to let myself cry and be sad. I am okay with that and will flow with it. I feel fucking sad and stupid.. because I let it happen again. I don't even know why I dated Matt in the first place-- I dated the potential of him. I think we were both dating the potential of each other and never really got the chance to get to know each other. That made me fucking mad. I wanted it to work and it just couldn't. I don't even know why I wanted him to like me. I mean he does have good in him, I see the potential. But mostly, it was boring and I felt like gagging over his lack of self awareness and selfishness. Is this the last straw? Please let this be the last straw. On the one hand, I feel like I have no fucking idea what is going on and on the other hand, I feel like I must learn to love myself. That is the only way I can see.
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robbingnovember
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2015 5 September :: 10.09am
Some crazy shit went down last night!! Daniel did the thing he can't turn back from. So glad that he wasn't here this weekend and that my eyes are finally open to how much of a crazy sociopath he is. That took long enough! Daniel called me while with another girl so that I can confirm he is good in bed. HOW ultimately rude, hurtful, and crazy. What an utter lack of empathy and understanding. I can't believe I ever actually liked him. He is really damaged. It just scares me that I was open to his bullshit for so long. He provided so little positive reinforcement and I lapped it up. I need to deal with my unconscious bullshit! He is so not my person and I wasted my energy on him. Trying to get water out of a stone, my main tactic in love. I need to focus on how to change these patterns or else I will keep dating assholes like Daniel. This is serious!
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robbingnovember
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2013 17 February :: 10.49pm
:: Music: Toto- Africa
"This song transports you- you are half in the jungle, half in the Sahara"
It is hard for me not to get a little sad when I look over this journal. How many times have I gotten excited and hoped for the best, only to have my heart broken? I read over entries and I think, god, you never knew this was going to break you. I have to give myself credit for being an optimist, for trying, no matter how many times I have failed. I guess I am stronger than I think. Sew me up, doc. I gotta get out of this hospital bed. I feel that old itch again.
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robbingnovember
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2012 29 December :: 8.26pm
I am trying to be cool,
but I may explode into a million pieces.
I had a super lazy day and all I did was think about him.
I am starting to understand what I have been waiting for: a man who likes me and doesn't play games and is cute and is warm and is smart and is open and is exploding me into a million pieces.
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robbingnovember
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2012 18 November :: 3.31am
I just wanted him to want me and he didn't and that makes me feel shitty.
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robbingnovember
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2012 11 November :: 11.11pm
you nearly gave me a heart attack
I really really really really still want to believe in soul mates because then, maybe, life wouldn't be so fucking boring and ordinary.
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