These past few extremly boring days have allowed me a lot of time to think about things that I just tried to avoid the past school year. My friends. I have thought an awful lot about them as a way to pass time in the beginning but now as a way to figure out who I really will become. I have thought about how they affect me and make me into who I am. I realized that a strong part of me wants to be popular. I can't help but caring about others opinions of me. Part of that is because for so many years I was picked on by different people but mostly Shawn. At home I received a great deal of criticism from my sisters and I always tried my best to impress them even if that meant not doing a lot of what normal kids do. I was ashamed to play dolls in kindergarten because none of them did it. I would hide my dolls if they came in the room and pretend like I was doing something else. Now the most judgemental sister I have, Mary, tells me that I shouldn't care what people think about me. She is one of the main reasons I do.

I also thought about leadership. I think that I am in a way a leader. Mostly around those with whom I am comfortable. Maybe one of the reasons Stephanie hates me so much is because I wasn't shy about telling her how I felt/feel about the way she acts and dresses. I woudn't follow her like Sarah and worst of all I said something about it. I know that Louise and Jessica and Lynn didn't approve but they didn't react the way I did. I guess I am too passionate about what I believe....at least when it comes to stuff like that. That might get me into trouble when I'm older. I don't want to sound like a goody goody whos never done anything bad or stuff like that. I'm not. I never will be. Sorry if it comes off that way.

In highschool I think I need to come out of my "shell". I'm tired of it. I need something new and better. No more stupid fights about guys and no more silent treatment. I hated everything about last year that involved Stephanie and Sarah. I mean..there were a few good things but the bad ones drowned the good ones out. Next year will be better..i hope. Then I think what if its not? Then what? I will go through 4 boring years of highschool then be forced to go to some college I dont want to go to. My sister is already telling me that I'm going to go to a UC. I dont wanna go to a fucking U.C. I told her once that I want to go to a college in England. Nobody believes me... Nobody believes that I can do it. So if I ever say that and the reaction is "Oh yeah. Sure, Marilyn.." then I say "Yeah I know. I'm kidding. I wont go anyway because I'll be scared" then I brush it off and pretend like it didn't hurt my feeling even though it did. Maureen is really good and making me feel stupid. I once told her and I made sure she knew I was serious but then she said "Mom and Dad will never be able to afford that. They can't even afford a house." I realized then that it I was going to make to England even on a vacation it would have to be all on me. My parents were furious about paying for my sister's trip to spain. Do I honestly think they'd go for college in England? My dad hates England anyway. He kill me I told him about my plans. He'd probly disown me if I actually went. I've heard many stories of people that use the lack of support from their families to drive them to get what they want. Trying to prove it not only to themselves but to their families as well that they could do it. That is already working for me. I have over $400 saved in the bank since Christmas and I don't even have a job. When I get one I will put as much money away as I can and with luck I will make my way to England. Its such a far fetched dream but its not far enough. I will make it. I don't care what I have to do.

FUCK EVERYTHING. I'VE HAD TO MUCH TIME TO THINK AND ITS RUINING MY BRAIN. I guess I'll go watch T.V or cry or something.

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