chuckitatthewall
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2005 15 March :: 7.14pm
AH DUDES! I just became an aunt 3 and half hours ago. Its a boy and really cute. James' family was really mean and I hate them
Yea well I need to go so this will be the shortest ever entry by me.
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LoupGarou
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2005 2 March :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: The Lady of Shalott - Loreena McKennit
Terminal
"Aoibhneas a bhí
Ach d'imigh sin
Sé lean tú
Do fhear chéile.
An grá mór i do shaoil
Treoraí sé mé.
Bígí liomsa i gcónaí
Lá 's oích'.
Ag caoineadh ar an uaigneas mór
Na deora, go brónach
'Na gcodladh ins an uaigh ghlas chiúin
Faoi shuaimhneas, go domhain."
~ Smaionte - Enya
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"There was blissfulness
But that is gone
You followed
Your husband.
The great love in your lives
Will guide me.
Be with me always
Day and night.
Weeping due to the great loneliness
The tears, sorrowfully
Asleep in the quiet green grave
In a deep peace."
Well I finally got the nerve up to ask my mom about Justin's grandma. I'm not sure if I wrote about it in here, but I should probably explain. Justin is one of my sister's best friends, and his grandma and he are very close to our family. About a year ago or so, she was diagnosed with cancer, both lung and brain. She was getting weaker, despite my prayers every night and the prayers of the others that knew her.
To get to the point, I asked my mom in the car yesterday: "Is Mrs. Hough going to die?" My mom hesitated a bit and said: "..yes."
It didn't necessarily surprise me, I had expected it I guess. My mom was talking to Justin's dad on the phone a few weeks ago, and they were talking about it, and the way my mom's voice was and the things she was asking kind of confirmed it for me. I cried the first time I heard about how she was doing. My mom said she went to drop Justin off at his house and she was in bed because she had fallen down and couldn't walk properly. Mom said that as she was talking to her, her eyes started to tear up. I imagine, staring at this woman so frail in bed, I would have too.
She says there seems to be a sense of denial about what's going on. When Mom asked about how Justin was doing, she said that they just wanted things to remain "As normal as possible."
I forget what visit it was, but Mom said that she asked Mrs. Hough what the doctors said, and she responded: "Oh, they said that there weren't going to be any more tests. And that if I needed anything I should just call hospice."
Well, hospice is for people who are dying. People go over to their house to make them as comfortable as possible.
Justin never knew his mother. His grandmother was the only mom he ever knew. I wonder how it will affect him. To feel the rejection of his mother, who left after he was born and is now God-knows-where; all we know is that she isn't in contact with Justin or probably his father at all, and then to have this woman dying, the woman who took care of him all his life like his mother should have. He lost his grandfather a few years ago, and now she's going too.
He calls her "Noni" though i'm not sure if that's how you really spell it. I think it's the Italian name for Grandma. She's the type of woman who talked and talked and kept on talking. She was involved with Justin's school and was there every wednesday to pick him up. Now we pick him up on Wednesdays because one week Mom and my sister saw Justin sitting there almost an hour or so after school and Denise asked why and he said he was waiting for is grandma. Mom called and she said that she had fallen down and couldn't gather the strength to go pick up Justin.
When I was sick in the hospital with appendisitis (I ended up staying there for about a month because it got infected) she and Justin came to visit me and she gave me this teddy bear that sits on a shelf or a desk and if you press a button it sings. Whenever I'd see her she'd wave and say "Hi Jessica! How are you?" And I remember one time when my dad was late picking us up she sat in the parking lot in her car and waited around for him to come so that we would't have to go to daycare.
She had good morals and wanted Justin to go to the best schools possible and encouraged him to do well in school.
But I'm talking like she's gone already.
I guess I kind of thought about it yesterday when we were in drama class and Sara got called out by the scary attendence office lady. She walked out thinking she was in trouble. We continued our discussion about relationships with our family members and how you could build a character out of that when Sara can back in, face kind of blank but flushed. Someone spoke up and asked what happened, thinking she was in trouble. Sara responded: "I'm leaving at nine o'clock tomorrow morning to go to my grandmother's funeral." And she broke down crying.
It made me think of Justin's grandma, and then I started thinking about what would happen if I lost my grandma. I love my grandma as much as I love my closest friends and family. I want to spend more time with her. When I heard about her last stroke a while ago, I started crying because I was scared. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. I want her to see me get married. I want her to meet my kids so that she can smile and watch them and become a great-grandma.
A few weeks ago my sister and I spent the night at her house and my grandma and I sat there together and watched movies together and made fun of them and talked most of the night. There was a wedding on one of the movies we were watching and I said: "I want to get married when it's all pretty and cloudy like that. Ooh! In a castle in Ireland!" (yes, like Marilyn mentioned). She smiled and said "What would be very pretty. You have to invite me, okay? And if I can't be there I'll be there in spirit." I saw the saddness in her eyes, and it made me very sad too. I still tried to smile and nodded and said "Ok."
And I can't help but think that Justin's grandma won't get to see him get married, she won't get to meet his children and hug them and kiss them and tell them stories and smile at their childish innocence and laughter. She won't get to see him go off to college and become the successful person that I know he will be.
My family won't get to have those long conversations with her about politics and the problems in the school, and I won't get to hear her say "Hi Jessica! How are you?" as I see her while walking around the campus of my sister's school.
When she leaves, things will be different. I hope she knows how much people love her company. I hope she remembers all the things that made her happy in her life. I hope she knows that we will miss her. And when she leaves, we will all be very sad.
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chuckitatthewall
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2005 25 February :: 6.47pm
:: Music: "the sound of silence" simon and garfunkel
I really hate it when other people are sad. It makes me sad that they are sad and it sucks for everyone. I feel like giving them a hug but I know that a lot of people dont want to hear "Oh, I'm so sorry. Things'll get better" because as far as that person is concerned things will never get better. THey will continue being horrible and shitty until the person dies. At least thats what they think. I feel bad especially when I don't understand how bad they feel on the inside and then I'm not as sensitive to them and as understanding as I would like to be. I used to do that. Make it seem like things aren't as bad as they really are because I didn't want people to think I was being a baby or that I was faking it. Honestly though, why would someone make bad stuff up just for the sake of it. That would be so screwed up. So when people have something really horrible going on and they want to tell someone but don't they really should rethink that. I guess I'm sort of writing this to someone that will never read it but I need to get that out.
Now to the bad stuff at home for me. My dad got so drunk last night that when Jessica called to make the arrangements for Scooter he didn't remember this morning. How fucking disgusting is that? He also was playing around the fridge last night and knocked the precious tuna he was saving for today out and all over the floor and broke the dish too. THis was at Midnight. Luckily I was already asleep. He gets so mean at night. I hate it. I don't wanna write about all that in here though.
I was looking through Monica's wedding pictures and it made me really sad. She looked so pretty and young, full of life, full of potential. She looked happy. Now she's pregnant, has the face of a woman who is weary, premature wrinkles. Shes not filled with that same life that she had only a year ago. Its all gone. The baby and James sucked it right out of her. She going to have baby now. Shes going to bring it into a screwed up family. Another poor innocent child that has to endure that horrible fucked up disfunctional workings of my wonderful family. If that baby had any idea of what his/her life is going to be it would kill itself.
Okey then. Enough bitter crap. Bye
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LoupGarou
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2005 19 February :: 2.27pm
:: Mood: like a procrastinator
:: Music: A little less conversation - Elvis Presley
We are born innocent. Believe me, Adia, we are still innocent..
Howdy! Time to update, ne? yesh. So i will. There's a creepy advertisement above my buddy list for some "Paradise Galleries" dolls right now. They look like little people. And they scare me. Holy crap dude.
My dad stole my chair. I'm gonna take it back from him.
That's better. My parents are looking at a Disney timeshare thingy. But now they're looking at this Starwood thing. Agh I hope we will get Disney. But it looks like they are discouraged from that right now. This makes me sad.
I will listen to Disney fireworks songs now.
Wow, I'm realy a dork about this stuff. I don't care though. I only talk about it so much because I love it so much. I don't mean to annoy people. But I guess if you like something so much that you feel the desire to talk about it a lot you should be allowed to, no matter what people say. It's simply a passion after all, there's nothing wrong with liking it. AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! MUAHAHAHA! Marilyn, don't be afraid to talk about The Doors all you want, or baseball, or American Dreams, or The Notebook, okeedokie? Because I know I annoy you sometimes with my talk about Disney and stuff like that. I don't want you feeling bad about it though because that makes me feel bad about it lol.
Anyway, what is there to talk about? why do I talk to myself in my journal entries? It's kinda weird. Oo this music is all Irish and cool.
Eric doesn't like being called Periwinkle. So I'm going to call him that because I can and it's basically become a game to bother eachother.
That reminds me of something my friend told me. My friend Teryn has a buddy ol' pal and they go back and forth playing practical jokes on eachother. So for his birthday she got him a subscription to Cosmogirl, and then she finds out that for Christmas he got her a subscription to... Playboy.
Teehee fonny. Wonder how she's going to explain that to her parents.
I'm going to head off somewhere, so I guess this will be the end of my short entry of doom. ta ta!
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xthistimeimperfectx
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2005 17 February :: 9.19am
I think Britney Spears is sooo amazing. ;D
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chuckitatthewall
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2005 16 February :: 7.39pm
:: Music: Green Day. YAY FOR ANGRY MUSIC
Sarah the fucking bitch
Dude I hate it when people act so fucking inmature and rude and fucked up and treat you like fucking shit because they are stupid and clearly bored. Sarah who has always been stupid and rude and bitchy stooped to her lowest level yet. Hard to believe isnt it? She had this person named "Tyrome" who was really her friend, Chris, pretend he knew me and he started trying to talk to me. I fucking knew it wasnt "Tyrome" because he took forever to say his name and put "its....ummmmmmmm *enter* tyrome". WHAT A STUPID ASS! Then I was getting mad and he called me a bitch and told me that I was stupid and he said "Fuck you. Youre so fucked up". His profiled fucking said "Sarah blah blah blah..." SARAH FUCKING ANDRADE! STUPID FUCKING ASS! If any stalker person reads this they should go and fucking attack her.
Ok other issues. My parents are fucking fighting so much. Not just little fights either. Last night my dad kept yelling at my mom like she was 2 and saying "SHUT THE FUCK UP ANNE!" and he said "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" I told some people at school but I was laughing and they didnt realize that it was serious and vicious. Also, my mom hits my dad. YES THAT IS RIGHT. MY MOTHER hits my dad. I have to fucking go. bye
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2005 15 February :: 11.11pm
K lyk..
Happy Late Valentine's Day. o_o
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chuckitatthewall
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2005 9 February :: 8.58pm
You know I really hate complainers. There is this one person in particular who is always complaining and thinks that world is so mean to him. Well you know what? That fucking stupid! The world is mean to everyone and sometimes it may seem a little meaner to you but it will make up for it later so just fucking shut up! There is no reason to complain about petty things and how horrible mothers and fathers and brothers can be and how no girl or guy will ever like you and blah blah blah. When you actually have something worth complaning about then maybe talk about until then people who complain about stupid things should shut up. I know I do complain about stupid things but I do not constantly sit there and whine about every horrible thing that is happening every fucking day of my life like this person does. People need to vent their frustrations when they have a bad day or something but how the hell can you have a bad day everyday especially when the things that caused the bad day are stupid things like "my brother picked on me again" or "i couldnt get the shirt i wanted" or "i dont get to go the blah blah blah place tomorrow because my mom is making me clean" or something so stupid! GET OVER IT! PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN OVER STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT WITH NO GOOD EXCUSE OF WHY THEY ARE IN A BAD MOOD SHOULD JUST SHUT UP AND KEEP IT TO THEMSELVES. NO ONE IS GOING TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU WHEN YOURE ACTING LIKE THAT YOU STUPID ASS. STOP SAYING "POOR ME" AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR ISSUES! OH YES! YOURE NOT THE FUCKING SMARTEST PERSON ALIVE YOU STUPID ASS. JUST THE VERY FACT THAT YOU THINK THAT SHOWS HOW STUPID YOU ARE.
I bet you can't figure out who thats directed at.
So I was in the car with my dad on the way back from school the other day and he pointed something out to me. The music of today is very simple- lyrics and the instrument playing too- compared with the music of the old days. The lyrics are the more obvious of the 2 because anyone can see the music just says what its trying to very bluntly. You dont have to think about the words to get the message. If its trying to say "I wanna fuck you" they just say " I WANNA FUCK YOU BITCH! YOU DA HOTTEST BITCH IN DA WORLD YO!" Disgusting...
Then the instruments stuff. I realized that its so true. So much of the backround music isnt music..its noise with a beat. Its so crappy. I'm really starting to appreciate the good music of the old days. If you like rap, I don't like you. Rap is the simplest music out there and a lot of the people who listen to it are dumbasses because thats all they can understand.
ook so I'm done. That was a thoughtful entry. I feel weird for putting effort into online entries. I'll go write a better one on paper.
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xthistimeimperfectx
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2005 8 February :: 8.46am
oh em gee. I'm posting. O_o
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chuckitatthewall
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2005 6 February :: 8.22pm
Dudes I feel like shit right now. My mom is making me go to school tomorrow anyway though. My head hurts horribly, I have seemingly never ending strings of coughs and I still have homework. This sucks.
Anyway. I came to write because this weekend some interesting stuff happened. I slept record amounts but while I was awake I managed to get on the internet and found this interesting thing. It was on Sarah's "MySpace" thingy and she basically was insulting me and trying to sound cool by saying that I'm jealous of the way she is. Thats a bunch of crap by the way. Maybe the only reason she keeps having to talk about that is because no matter what, she has to be vicious and nothing right now is irritating her enough to make a big deal about it. (did that makes sense? it did in my head)
So other than that. We went out to dinner last night because it was my sister's birthday (Mary). We had to go to this place called "Henry's Hi-life" they have ribs and barbequed stuff. We had to wait in the bar section because they do this really weird thing of getting you to your table. So we were sitting there for like 45 minutes and there were a few hot guys that came in but other than that it was horrible. I was having those disgusting cold sweats where you feel cold but youre roasting to death on the inside. My dad had to take me outside so I could cool off before going into the back to eat where I sat and roasted my butt off again.
On Friday when I got home and felt like poop my dad was the stinking nicest hes ever been. I love him. He came over and gave me a hug and told me to go to bed and that if I needed anything to yell or "kick a dog down the stairs. Whatever you need to do to get us." He meant that not to be mean to the dogs but just that he'd help me if I asked. Then after dinner he gave me another big bear hug and said "I really hate watching my girls be sick. Ok? So get better." Then he asked me something and I dont remember what but the answer was that he loves me and it was so stinking sweet. Then he said "Yes. I love all my daughters. Now get to bed ya bum!" Bum is an affectionate pet name at least in my dads mind.
Last thing. PATRIOTS WON THE SUPERBOWL! YAY! Grandpa must me proud.
I hope I dont have to go to school tomorrow but in case I do I best be getting to sleep now cause I'll be up half the night coughing my abs off. night night.
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2005 1 February :: 7.46pm
Dudes. I fucking hate my stupid fucking sister who is now being a nerd and sitting at the table working on an "I Love Lucy" puzzle. Maureen is such a fucking bitch and i hate her because she is so rude to me and never treats me with respect and she doesnt care about my feelings which she shows by treating me like shit with her insults and sneaky comments that nobody can hear because they are under her breath. THat was a bigass runon sentence but I really really dont give a flying fuck. OOO NICE. FLYING FUCK. ALLITERATION AND PURE MAGICAL STRESS RELIEVING PHRASE. I made up my mind to forgive her for eating my cereal (Raisin Bran) but then she comes home and fucking screws it up! NOT COOL! She is nice for about 2 seconds. She gave me the Wisconsin state quarter then it ended. She had to fucking use the computer where I was working on my homework. The homework which I need to finish tonight and am now putting off so I can describe the bitchiness and inconsiderateness of my stupid bitchy ass loner rude vicious and violent sister who is named Maureen which is a very ugly name! She has no fucking friends but I wonder how you can have friends when you treat them like shit and have the attitude that you think you are better than them. She alwasys says that. She is so fucking smart! She is so good at math. FUCK THAT! In highschool her gpa was a 2.9. Mine right now is 3.17. She is so fucking good at math because it has so many rules and she constantly compares me to her. I SUCK AT MATH AND I'LL NEVER BE GOOD AT WHICH IS WHY I'M NOT GONNA BE A FUCKING DOCTOR! SO JUST FUCKING BE NICE BECAUSE YOURE STUPID AT EVERYTHING ELSE! My current writing level is probably as good as hers and shes in fucking college. I've seen the shit she writes and had the urge to write all over it and change things to make it sound more natural but once I tried that and my mom said that it bruised her ego having a 12 year old writing good comments and on a juniors paper. See! EVEN THEN I WAS BETTER THAN HER! I'd like to see her I.Q. She always says how smart she is. Thats because she surrounds herself with dumbasses. Dumbasses that she comes home and makes fun of. ITS YOUR FUCKING FAULT FOR HANGING AROUND THEM SO DONT FUCKING COMPLAIN AND MAKE FUN OF THEM! I'd like someone smarter than her to let her have it. Bruise her fucking ego and send her crying home and saying how fucking stupid she is! Saying sorry for being so mean to everyone and for thinking that she is a fucking genius! DUDE MAYBE I COULD HIRE SOMEONE TO YELL AT HER ABOUT IT.
gotta go eat dinner then back to finish my assignment that i couldnt before because she had to use this fucking computer for her stupid fucking online class!
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2005 28 January :: 8.30pm
I dunno what is wrong with me...I feel so sad right now and all the time. I got my report card. I'm disappointed because I could have done better. At the same time though, I could have done a lot worse so I guess I wont complain. This semester I will work harder and hopefully get a 3.2. That'd be really nice.
So just something nice before I go off into all the bad stuff. Today my sister, Michelle, called and told me that she mailed me a See's candy bar. I find it funny that she's mailing See's to San Jose where there are shops for them everywhere. I asked her why and she said it was because she wanted to cheer me up. Shes so annoying after a while but then when she goes away I appreciate her and want her to come back even though I know that I'll just get annoyed again. She has a good heart.
So the bad stuff. Maybe this is just me but I think sometimes feeling depressed and lonely and angry goes in a cycle. You might be sad for a couple weeks and just feel helpless but then all of a sudden something changes and you feel happy again. Right now I'm in the sad/lonely/angry time. I feel like my family hates me. They are just putting up with me because like it or not I'm here. Not for too much longer I hope. Tonight my mom and dad were in the kitchen talking about how bad I am. They were saying that I'm a bad kid and I don't have any respect for anybody..that I'm selfish and greedy. I do have respect for people..people who deserve it. People that have acted in respectable ways. People that treat me nice as well. I'd think that I am polite and nice to people when I meet them and only rude and mean when they have not treated me the same way. Hmm..maybe I'm not. Anyway, I decided to yell that I could hear them and they just said "You know, Marilyn, I really don't care" I'd rather have them tell me they hate me to my face. It'd be a lot easier and nicer. My other sister, Mary, treats me like shit. She has thinks she is better than everyone because she is the smartest and prettier than the rest of us. My dad completely favors her and loves her more. He denies it everytime but everyone knows the truth. She is the history major. She had the 3.95 in highschool. She kisses his ass and he soaks it up. Whenever he introduces his girls to anyone he says " These are my daughters" Depending on the order were standing or sitting he lists Michelle, Maureen, and I. Then when he gets to Mary it goes "...... and this is my history major over here, Mary" Mary does a cheesy grin revealing her yellow teeth that are her ugliest feature other than the monstrous backside she has (Oh but thats the Italian in her so its alright and dad is proud of that as well) Then she says "Hi. Its really nice to meet you" blah blah blah. The way she talks is so fake. You can hear the difference in her tone from when she talks to everyone shes used to. I'm annoyed by her. Its not jealousy. I'm not jealous of people who are completely fake and "perfect". I just fear I'll never make my dad proud. It will always be Mary. The only way to make him happy is to be a lawyer and I hate law. I've been around it my entire life. My mom and dad cant ever just leave the clients at work. They take them home every night and I know more about the inner workings of the case than the client themselves. (DAMNIT! THIS MUSIC IS DEPRESSING TOO.)
Moving on. That stupid Ronald Reagan book hasnt been helping at all but I'm addicted to it. It has all these pictures from when he was younger and then as he got older. Its really cool to watch how people change throughout their lives. I read the thing that his daughter, Patricia, started a couple of days before he died and finished the day after. It was so sad. He was surrounded by his family, 2 kids and his wife and in the comfort of his own house. I couldn't help but wonder how Aunt Marie felt when she died. She was completely alone in a strange and probably uncomfortable hospital. Her last moments spent in pain from the cancer as well as the pain of not having anyone to take her last breaths with. I wish I could've been there to hold her hand or something. Instead I was outside enjoying the sun and having a good time with my sisters.
I guess I'm done.
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2005 28 January :: 6.42am
:: Mood: tired
Dum dum duuuum
Just a real quick entry before school for the sake of simply updating and nothing more. Decided to say howdy. Life's been fine I guess. Well, there's some sad news and stuff but I'll talk about that when I get the chance to create a real entry.
You know, nobody is really online in the morning. Tis kinda fonny.
"Mama.. I just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead. Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away. Mama, ooo, I didn't mean to make you cry. If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, cuz nothing really matters."
--Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Ah yes that is a cool song. Kinda sad once you think about it, ne?
Juuuuuuuulia might start going out with one of Ryan's best friends, Ryan (woah no way!) or just "Miller". Teehee that would be funny. She' buggin me to go to the mixer dance thing and bring ryan and ryan and I don't really wanna go. Oh well we shall see, we shall see, ne?
I understood the math assignment in class yesterday! I've been having trouble feeling like I understand things in the math class, but I understood the thing we did yesterday and I'm so happy!
Well, time to get into the car and head right back off to schoolio, foolio.
Ta hu wa'ii la na ta'hu wa'ii la! Enu he'i la pa heini'o alohala! O'otutu ii lu'a, ii'na'o a la, a'ahu a'hi a na halai!
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2005 23 January :: 5.50am
MY OBSESSION WITH DAVEY IS BACK.
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Jessika
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2005 21 January :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls
Read this!
{I'm witnessing death as I type this.
A fly just fell off the wall or the ceiling or somewhere above this computer and landed next to the monitor's power cord here in the school library. It's laying on its back twitching and wriggling around trying to use its last bit of energy to flip itself over from this fatal position. It stops every couple of seconds to rest and everytime it looks as though it's the last time it'll move before being swept away by a janitor into the garbage and eventually whisked away to its ultimate grave.
Five seconds it stops. Three seconds it twitches.
Seven seconds it stops. Three seconds it twitches.
"I'm not quite dead yet!" says one side of the fly, the other half retorts with the ever-comical reply, "Yes you are now shut up."
It looks as though this is the end.
Oh, no it's pulled through once more.
And as it twitches again, it finally flips over onto its feet. A good two minutes after it falls, it has finally moving properly again. It tries climbing up the wall... and once again falls onto its back. Several seconds are passing and it's stopped moving, but the frantic flailing of its appendages has resumed and it's now trying to regain its composure.
I find myself wanting to put this poor fly out of its misery. And then I remember, flies are disgusting germy things and they should suffer like the rest of us sick creatures do, at least once in awhile. I want to scream at it to
JUST
GIVE
UP
but these last few moments are an eternity to the fly and if it can only just flip over once more...
I really don't think it's going to pull through.
I really hope it's not going to pull through.
Disgusting germy thing anyway. I am revolted.
And alas, it is flipped over once more onto its feet. Movement is stopped except for what looks to be its cleaning habits. (That's an absurd thought. Flies don't clean, they merely rearrange the disease.)
In another minute or so, this fly will try to climb up the wall (it's much too weak to fly) again and fall onto its back again.
...or maybe instead, it will take a trip under the monitor and disappear into whatever depths from whence it came.
Not that I care anyway.}
Lindsey typed that today....it is flipping awesome I think. I love the style.
Is anyone free after the early out on Wednesday? *is extremely determined ;-)*
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