::
2004 5 February :: 4.10 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: asthenia-blink
finally got this damn site to load..
hey! count down..
10-my bday
15-JOsh and 1 mth
16-club ovation for bands!
Anyways..
so.. Im thinking.. and heres my story..
Dec 15th 2002.. Im coming back from Orlando.. AND! I tell my friend, well at the time, not really friend but a girl in chorus that I knew.. That her boyfriend was cute.. Just bc he was waitin to see her.. Opening the gate, welcoming her.. Im now sorta sry that I thought that gesture was cute.. Anyways.. So i tell my friend(?)That hes cute.. and she then tells me to go tell him.. so im like uh okay.. w/e u say.. so i get off the bus.. and I give my stuff to my dad. and i say ill brb I have to tell sumone somehting..OKay he says.. I didnt know at the time that me tellin this boy that... that it would change my entire life.. anyways back to that night.. I walk up to this 6*4 kid to tell him that i think hes cute.. Wonder how stupid i looked.. Anyways.. so after this I dont think anything of it ya know? not many ppl would i odnt think.. but I see him occasionally around bc his gf is in chorus with me.. so duh! hes involoved. so i say hi here and there.. blah.. not important chit-chat. And then one day my really close friend is over my house and we're sittin in mcds.. and im going thru her phone and she had told me that the boy and this grl had gotten into a fight, and I of course decide well lets see how this kid, mind u by now its march, during spring break, so Im like oh how are u and (grls name) and hes like oh we're takin a break. i say oh thats cool i guess. then we talk a for a few more mins and im like oh ur guna be my new bf.. bc i didnt feel like typing out best friend.. he was cool.. or at least I thought.. so he goes u want me to be ur new boyfriend? I go no, best friend, (if u know me, I say that quite alot to MANY diff people..) and then im like well ima go call me later, gave him my # and w/e. not really expecting him to call me.. well around 830 i get a phone call from this boy.. im thinkin, holy shit he actaully called me.. wow this is werid.. I talked to him til about 5 am.. how wierd is that? I felt so comfortable talkin to this kid. and I trusted him with my life, which, ya know cant be good with only talkin to him once..but i did.. for sum reason.. anyways.. for about 4 days we talked on the phone like constantly, and all night long.. neither of us were gettin sleep... Then he tells me something that i never thought that I would hear out of his, of all ppls, mouth.. he lieks me.. I of course have liked him from the day i said, hey your cute-(how i have no clue, just how i am..)But he knew that.. Now, almost a year later from having talked to him for the first time thru text.. He still hurts me everyday. He has had a control over my life since then.. I realized early on, which also scared me. that I loved him. Most of u are thinkin wtf are u talkin about, ur crazy he has a gf! Oh, i know.. which made everything 1oox harder.. and to this day still does.. he has broken my heart so many times,.. yet when he comes back to me.. I run away with him, and for 2 mths, im the happiest i can ever be.. but then in 5 short mins hes gone again and I cry for days on end.. Y do i go back to him u ask? i have no clue.. the only answer i can come up with is that i love him. and I dont want to any more.. at the time, hes not talkin to me again.. but this time last week he was.. His gf hates me bc she knew he liked me.. she knew i was a part of him now.. but her nor her knows how big of a part of me he is. He was my first, almost everything. And I hate him for it. Why can this one single boy have sucha big effect on me.. I hate it.. Another thing i might add to this is .. I have a boyfriend.. whom I like very much so.. but who will also never take the place of the certain boy to whom im still in love with. The one that still breaks my heart everyday.. he has hurt me numerous amounts of times.. and yet i still love him...
...... and I hate myself for it....
pretty swirl |
