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2005 18 August :: 1.11 am
for the first time maybe in 1 year 4 months and about 24 days. i cannot sleep.
I cant breathe.
I cant eat.
I cant do anything well i can type this bullshit down.
Is this life, is this what it supposed to feel like, breaking up is part of life. well fuck that. theres nothing worth this kind of pain.
FUCKING NOTHING do you hear.
maybe it would have been easier to suck it up and pretend that nothing was wrong but he would have known. he always knew YOU DID> thats maybe the hardest part isnt it. someone your so connected with just cut. just gone. not forever until two weeks. i wouldnt take me back. why should you.
I dont see this getting any easier how about you.
I had a life planned. a fucking life.
Austin Renee
fuck
how can something so rational be so irrational at the same time
I dont even want to be alive at this point.
my head is splitting open from crying.
No One else knows me like you do..
that fucking giddy face.
and the goosebumps on my arm.
and you definatly no one knows you like I do. the way your lower jaw juts out, and your stupid red hair. gahd i love it and right now i hate it.
and ive got this fucking painting of us on the couch and we are so fucking happy.
and prom
and the dukes of hazzard,
and everything that is so reminiscent of what we had.
no one had that. not like we did. we were made for each other so bad.
the way my phone plays la la when you called. im afraid to turn on the radio because every song reminds me of you.
how you got so excited when you heard, you say it best.
of course one of favorites because they are all one of my favorites.
next week i move. if it werent for you id be headed north.
I need you so bad. is two weeks up yet.
i hate when i make mistakes.
im so mad at you for putting me here.
but its overpassed by hating myself for not being able to forgive and forget.
I dont know if i should bother with bed because i have to go to get up in about 5 hours
why bother
we wont get to terrorize kfc now.
im not going to michigan adventures with the german. its just not worth it if your not there.
nothing is. i have to stop now. everything aches from this crazy bawling.
i hate when the posts take forever because you have breaks where you just broke down.
I love you. i hope you know that. i hope you know how much. not as much as you love me. only maybe you can shove that aside and move on with your life. i cant.
i fucked up big this time. i just hope that in the end you can forgive me.
i hate being on the side thats at fault.
I just know that in the end we will either be done forever or stronger and happier.
I hope its the latter. i have faith that it is.
you said that right. we have to have faith in us. believe that we were meant to be.
i believe that now. now that its too late.
Catch a Star |
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2005 18 August :: 12.46 am
why is it that the last resort is usually the only one?
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2005 18 August :: 12.40 am
I fucking hate myself more than I hate any other person in the entire world.
what the fuck have I gone and ruined besides my fucking life.
Catch a Star |
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2005 17 August :: 1.14 pm
Im at pjs right now. yayness . i enjoy contentment.
i need to nap or something. shooty shoot shoot
1 stars caught |
Catch a Star |
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2005 16 August :: 11.59 pm
THANKS A MILLION KELLY
you made me feel all sorts of better. i adore you.
PJ I love you and Im sorry that ive been so hard to deal with.
GAh i would like to talk to you right now.
Catch a Star |
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2005 16 August :: 10.27 am
well shit.
last night seems so far away yet my head is still aching, my entire body is aching. i still dont know about anything. my eyes burn.
im so tired. so dead so everything all at once.
I cant believe how close it was and how stupid I am sometimes.
honestly who just throws away the best thing in their life. oh yeah thats me.
Im so afraid that everything is going to be weird now. I didnt really know what else to do though. It was so obvious when i started the conversation but so hard to do and then so hard to fix what id done. god Im an idiot. I cant wait to hear your voice now though. i need you so much.
Catch a Star |
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2005 16 August :: 1.17 am
well fuck, im an idiot at least he loves me.
then when i do stupid shit he forgives me.
fuck
i really cant believe my own stupidity
Catch a Star |
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2005 16 August :: 12.47 am
what the fuck have i done.
im the worst person alive.
1 stars caught |
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2005 16 August :: 12.15 am
FUCK
1 stars caught |
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2005 15 August :: 12.21 pm
well work today. everything is pretty cool around here. i really am needing to go shopping for school but im going to wait until i move in a get stuff afterwards just so that they isnt any confusion going on with kaylee and all. I sent the rest of my tuition this morning so i should be all set to go. just waiting for another book. then the last one i have to buy at the bookstore. yaggles.
I should get dressed. its getting kinda cold in here now. shoot.]]
its almost time to start packing the essentials. I just dont know what to do with what, so confusing trying to move, ive done it tons of times before but it was my whole family then not just me. how odd. my whole life radiates out of this one room. im so scared.
new people new experience. suck on that one for awhile and leave me alone. im doing something good with my life. god help me make it through this. i just want to go to college and start spending the rest of my life with you. i dont what else there is that matters besides what we have in store for us.
there is so much nonsense in my head that wont go away and is jumbled into nonsensical sentences.
either way, im going to put some clothes on and make some zucchinni bread. should be great.
Catch a Star |
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2005 14 August :: 10.20 pm
I am wiped out again. Went to my grandmas house today for lunch and such.
it was good.
we played monopoly.
it was good.
im a lot better today.
I have a killer headache though.
and on friday my bro, his girlfriend, pj, my cousin mike and I are going to go to michigan adventures.
it should be okay. I guess that im okay outside of the obvious that i was bitching about last night.
i get over it quick usually. ill be okay i think.
ive only got about a week left at home
its cool.
im pretty excited. my mom gave me a check for all the stuff that i bought for my dorm room, the sheets, the mattress pad, the comforter and the microwave. wOOt wOOt. i can totally use that money and im not even joking. okay thats all i got. the day is over and its off to bed. tomorrow deidra and I are going to have a baking day. so yay. Im pretty excited. I love you pj. I hope you know that. and I dont want you to try and make it up to me anymore. I forgive you, you love isnt an exchange to me and nothing you do will make it go away its just something that i had to cope with myself youve done enough already. okay I love you.
5 stars caught |
Catch a Star |
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2005 14 August :: 10.09 am
I just got out of the shower, your in the living room, like i said damn you because i cant be angry when your around you take it all away from me. god, i love you so much
Catch a Star |
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2005 14 August :: 12.52 am
hey get on fricken msn would you.
Catch a Star |
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2005 13 August :: 12.01 am
I wanna wake up in your arms
I wanna set off your alarm
I wanna break into your car
and I wanna take out your back seat
The one where you told me everything
I thought I always wanted to hear
The one where you told me that it's over
And everytime you look in your rearview mirror
I hope you see me...
And all the stuff we did when we were back there together..Uh Huh
I hope you like your Two Seater, No Radio
Keymarks paralell to the Pinstripes
Windows broken youre T Tops stolen
Now its one of a kind, Thanks for the Ride
I gotta get the hell out of dodge
I just spent the whole nighta avoiding the cops
I just dont think I'll go to the clink
Just cuz I took out your backseat
The one where you told me everything
I thought I always wanted to hear
The one where you told me that it's over
And everytime you look in your rearview mirror
I hope you see me...
And all the stuff we did when we were back there together...Uh Huh
I hope you like your Two Seater, No Radio
Keymarks paralell to the Pinstripes
Windows broken youre T Tops stolen
Now its one of a kind, Thanks for the Ride
Can you hear your radio?
I bet you can't hear your radio
So you'll never know I wrote this song for you
Sorry that your tires are flat
I know you weren't expecting that
Guess I got a little bit carried away
Catch a Star |
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2005 12 August :: 12.58 am
im feeling really conflicted right now. its horrible.
i hate being lied to.
i hate when i feel like i have to do untrustworthy things in order to find out if i am lied to. i hate not trusting, its against all of my nature.
I hate feeling this way when i find out that i was lied to.
7 stars caught |
Catch a Star |
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