:: 2005 12 December :: 10.24 pm

the problem is that i still care about you.
I just can't take your criticism
I know that im making a lot of mistakes, but please of all people dont tell me that i should tell my parents or that im wasting my life.
you have no right to say those things considering your circumstances.
things are different now.
and yeah im different now.
ive lost a lot of confidence that i used to have
ive also gained a lot of things.
that confidence is coming back now.
losing you was like losing a piece of me and im just finally getting it back. two months later.
im sorry that you feel like our relationship should have ended like it did or that we were always wrong for each other.
i dont feel that way.
i dont feel like any moment spent with you was a wasted one.
you will always be the first person that i loved and nothing can take that away.
im jealous.
of a lot of things.
michelle still.
mostly.
its just really hard.
as much as it hurts you I do love ray.
he makes me so happy.
he pushes me to be better than i can be.
i know that sounds absurd what with me drinking and all.
i just feel better now than i have. and that flucuates, obviously.
i cant explain anything i just know that i dont want this to be the relationship that ended badly.

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:: 2005 11 December :: 7.23 pm

sooooo.
who knows how to put pictures onto these journals.
I can't figure it out because i am journally impaired.

5 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 10 December :: 11.41 pm

so i just figured all my grades and what they will be with whatever finals score i happen to get.
I can fail my spanish final and still pass the class. I only have to get a 75% to get a C.
Same thing with Art.
only I have to get a 70% to get a C.
I MUST get a B on the math in order to pass, there is no way to get a C.
and the writing class is portfolio and I think I did okay on that.
I know that C's are not great but I am just happy to be passing with the way that I have been in school lately.

2 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 9 December :: 10.25 pm

well i just got home from work.
well it was awhile ago, cuz i took a shower and made some beef stew since then.
now im ready to just chill for awhile because it was a hard day.
and I am a hard worker.
i keep that layaway together. well as together as it can be.
I really like my job.
I can honestly say that.
i dislike terry a lot, and i have unruly customers and bad days. but i do a good job that I am proud of and i get paid well and i like most of the people i work with.
hell im moving in with three of them in the next couple of months.
jason, annie, ray and I are getting a place and that is going to be really cool and i am really excited.
I kind of want annie and jason to hook up. that would be cool. jason is really cool.
anyhow. so i like my job.
for example i slept late and was 45 minutes late and no one said anything about it.
cooleys.
mmm this beef stew is excellent by the way.
well i guess that is all of my update for the day.

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:: 2005 8 December :: 6.08 pm

"have you ever cut the grass when it's raining, you get like sweat and rain mixed in together and suddenly you crotch is like a slip and slide"

L O FREAKING L.
I heart raymond tad.

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:: 2005 8 December :: 4.12 pm

I stand corrected. I will get credit for a D. Fantabulous. Now i just have to bust because I will have to get a B on my final in order to get a D in the class.
Shooty shoot shoot.
Super study time.

1 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 8 December :: 2.39 pm

GOD DAMN DAMN DAMN IT.
I hate everything but mostly myself.
grr. everything was supposed to get better.
Do you think that my studying helped at all!!
No of course not because i jerked around all the beginning of the semester and now i have to fucking take Algebra over again.
FUCK.
I can't believe that i thought that i was so smart that I could just float by and not do any work and expect to get anything out of it.
Hey you spoiled brat guess what your in the real world now and that isnt how things work.
crap.
okay thats my rant.
Now i have to think of a way to tell my parents.
I mean If I super study like i planned to anyway I can get a D but I think that if you get a D it doesn't matter because you don't get credit anyway. AM I correct in this assumption.
I emailed someone about it and I am waiting on a response now.
Shit if I can't get credit anyway than i am just going to skip the exam and focus on my other two.
shit shit shit.

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:: 2005 7 December :: 10.31 pm

i just got a check for $100 from my mom to cover the tuition that is left over.
rock on mom. I love you.
seriously made my day so much better. also i finished my portfolio. yayers.
just have to turn it in tomorrow and that signifies me finishing my first college class. it is one of the ones that I am going pass so yayers.

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:: 2005 7 December :: 4.00 pm

erk, its been quite a day.
I slept until 1:30 well i went to class at 9 but then slept more.
anyhow. ray and I went to the library and then we got in a fight because I took out brave new world and 1984 and i was talking to him about it and he got all pissed.
then said that he doesnt want to go to college because everyone is a know it all.
then i got pissed.
we fight way too much over stupid shit.
and then we got to the root of the issue, that being that he is upset because he thinks that i am too good for him and a bunch of other stuff.
it is very exasperating.
anyway.
then we went grocery shopping and now he is at work and i am going to eat some food and work on my portfolio because it is due tomorrow and i want to get a good grade.
yay for me.
I have the next two nights off. and tonight obviously.
anyhow i am going to do the english stuff tonight,
art tomorrow, math friday and a little bit of spanish every night.
and whatever i dont feel comfortable with is going to be reviewed over the weekend.
I dont know my weekend schedule yet though so we will see on that one.
laters.

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:: 2005 6 December :: 8.31 pm

It’s now been over a year and a half, and in my heart, nothing has changed. The hardest part in not “having” her is that we remain friends, with an unexplainable bond. Those days everyone has, when you just can’t smile, she has always been the one to fix it all, without trying, just by being there, and I always have the same effect on her.

When I said forever, I truly meant it, and I always will... Forever

2 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 5 December :: 10.28 am

har. so my weekend got better after I slept, after ray and I got done fighting.
I cried so much it was horrible. I hate it when I cry. I am such a girl.
now I am sick.
sore throat, runny nose.
the works.
add that to my back issues and my 10 lb restriction and that makes for one worthless kind of lizzy.
go to the doctors in a couple of hours to check on things. I hate going to the walmart doctors. those people have no idea what they are talking about. nope not any idea at all.
ray did all my laundry while I slept last night. I like that. I like him.
i love him.
oh and i need to call joe woods, my district manager, because while i was in the managers office on saturday waiting to go to the med center the managers were in the next room and martin asked terry to take me and she said, "I have better shit to do than take her to the med center".
then something about faking bitch, etc. etc.
yeah so I am pretty livid over that.
my mom is all pissed off. oh yeah and ray. whoo he wanted to turn around saturday and go back to walmart. shit.
i hate walmart. but i like the people and I get paid well so that would be life huh.
well that is my post. oh yeah and I got a 24/25 on my spanish composition.

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:: 2005 4 December :: 12.54 am

today was possibly the worst day I have ever had.
I hurt my back.
I almost quit my job.
Im a jealous girlfriend.
damnit
to top this all off I have not slept since I got out of bed on friday morning.
I am so fucking tired.
so i am going to sleep.
I have to work at 7.
fuck

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:: 2005 2 December :: 4.11 pm

and im staring down the barrel of a 45

so yeah went to the high school today. good fun
I missed everyone so so much.
I wish i was still in high school.
now its my dads birthday and im at home gonna eat some pizza and such.
waste some time.
laters

4 stars caught | Catch a Star

:: 2005 1 December :: 8.11 pm

frida kinda sucked.
whatever.
ive only got a couple hours left in the lab to get my points for class.
well 2 hours in the next week.
so doable.

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:: 2005 1 December :: 7.44 pm

well shit.
I am in the language lab. I have been here for 2 hours now.
dos horas ahora.
boring.
I am watching the life story of frida kahlo.
which is funny because there is a painting of her hanging above this computer that I am at.
I am going to go home and probably sleep and eat. grab some coffee.
tomorrow my mom and i are going to get some breakfast and then go shopping.
that would be cooler if I had some money but i remain to be poor at the moment. shoot.
ray is at work. that makes me sadness but i like the alone time sometimes.
he is so good to me.
I adore him.
frida totally just had sex with the really really old guy.
wierdness.
so I am going to try to drop by the art room tomorrow early in the morning.
trying to catch first hour.
i doubt i will get up in time though. shoot.
okay thats about all i have to say really. i have to take my movies back to blockbuster. i might borrow willy wonka from kaylee. I have to think of something great to get her for christmas.. and annie.
eh.
my list of people to buy for.
amanda K
mom
jim
julie
becca
samantha
annie
kaylee
ray.
im sure that im forgetting someone.
sorry yall arent getting gifts from me but yo soy pobre. no tengo dinero.
tomorrow is my dads bday and I got him a pretty cool fleece camo jacket thing. he will like it I hope. not so sure. but whatever. I got him scarface special edition for xmas.
cooly.
okay later later.
I wonder what I want for dinner. huh.
okay

2 stars caught | Catch a Star