Hmmmm
I think Ive made my mind up on the situation at hand. I hate the decision but I think its best. Man,...that is had to say.
I dont plan to leave her or change my feelings about her. Ill just have to restrict myself. Bottle it up, shuffle it under the rug? Something else basically.
I cant have myself trying to win her over and only keep getting the same answer. If you dont want to be tied down and say "what if tomorrow I dont want to be with you or something..."(paraphrase) then my only option is to try harder or stop trying. Right? Right.
I think between being 'told off' last time. Ok not told off, but being rejected because of who I am(was) and how we met. and being tossed constant curve balls this time I cant decide to first of the two options.
Again, I hate to even say(type) that.
I cant keep the constant indecision in check anymore.
You dont want to tell people were together? Ok fine, but then why do(should?) I feel so attached to you? Why do I withhold myself from the possibilities of others to be at odds with this long distance thing?
From my perspective: Small battles mean a lot. Give me this one and I can go miles with it. Its a solid foundation. Girlfriend. Easy.
You dont like telling people how we met? Fine, ya, it sucks. I hate the specifics too, but at least Im not gonna lie about them.
God Damnit this is hard to write! Fuck.
How did I end up in another one of these situations!?
Why cant I just have a nice, normal, and simple relationship? No.
Why cant this be a normal, simple relationship?
Why must this be so hard? Why does it feel like its being so much harder for me than her?
Dont tell me "i dont know" search yourself for the answers! Please! You cant ask of my feelings if you give that answer when I ask for yours. Its not fair.
I know things are crazy for you. I know youre growing up. I know youve had a big change in your life. Then why cant I be something consistent? Wouldnt that be nice? Something solid, something you can know is not changing when you fall asleep at night?
Turn of phrase?
Ive never really felt avoided before. I feel so now. Im not a huge fan when its combined with the feeling of fading interest(recipient).
I really detest not being in your life like i was. I was given time and time was given in return. Now I feel lonely and left out. Losing you? Losing it.
What the problem is? Part 2
Tried to organize my thoughts some. I doubt theyll look that way.
I hate that I constantly find myself unable to be with someone who is closer. Someone who I can hold daily. Sorry if that hurts to read, but cmon, its true. Im not the only one who knows that.
I hate that I always look at those younger than me when it comes to the opposite sex. Whats up with that? always younger than me, does that make me someone who cannot cope with those my own age? I dont have an answer for that, or explanation.
I wont be the first, or last, to say to me that I am way too depressing. Well I have a response for that. Fuck. You. Plain and simple. Walk a mile in my shoes or some such thing.
Dealing with myself is like dealing with an over crowded room. Everyone has opinions and objectsives, but who speaks the loudest? And when? If I was able to represent my brain without question I would put forth some design of the classic id, ego, superego. One person has goals, drive and intentions. Another one gladly agrees to most things it says. Perhaps the second one is just a yes man? I dont know. the third one is me, what I actually do. The first two are simply watching and following the last one. Does that make sense? Idoub tit.
I digress.
I dont know how to take the news of I was given in response to my questions. I cannot formulate any sort of plan from it. It leaves me sitting here trying to decide if I lean in or out on the situation as a whole. It is not clear to me how you could 'wake up tomorrow and decide not to do this/that'.
If this is truly how you feel, why cannot you at least give in for now? Then deal with the situation when and if it comes about? That makes both parties happy. Like adults you can decide to be amiable with things later having known such was possible.(probable?)
Comparatively, why not just tell me off now? Saves any possible headache later. Time is a premium on this existence. Let the labor bear fruit or let the work be given to others who would gladly take up the responsibilities. If you act now at least things wouldnt be horrible later?Or would they, whos to say they would?
I need to do some soul searching, sadly none of the 3 voices want to raise their hands and plead the case. Parts 1 & 2 simply left to let part 3 type for itself.
What the problem is?
Things I want to get off my chest. See below. Ive pulled my pockets inside out and I feel weird. I feel relief, but why? I didnt get what I wanted to get out of the conversation. In lieu of an answer Ive been set upon by gesticulate poses and indifference. Where does it leave me?
Ill tell you where it leaves me. It leaves me here. Contemplating the shit stain of a life I lead. It leads me here, to expose my wounds for further lashings. I leads to the state I was in but no more than a few days ago.
Unable to sleep any worthy duration of time and completely unfocused on tasks at hand. Chiefly among which is driving. I shouldnt be left in a car alone at night. It leads to bad moments 'upstairs'.
I can only imagine what someone else might gleam from reading this psychotic babble that i type with my fingers without even looking. I spew forth these words and know that it helps. But it can also hurt! Hurt someone i want to not hurt.
I told myself after last time i wouldnt go near situations like this. I tripped up a few years ago, got handed some good fortune by not being reciprocated. Here I am though, ready for more trouble. Ready to be socked in the face. I dont really know if this makes me resilient or just stupid.
FUCK! Oh no, not about this situation. I sneezed...all over the keyboard. I hate that. Just like I hate this troublesome situation I continue to find myself in.
Im circling the drain knowing that Im unable to even bother trying to just jump ship and go down the drain faster than the flow would like.
Ill continue later, but why I dont know Ill just spew forth more of this nonsense off the cuff raw brain ...junk?
Sprawled in the cushioned whirl of pillows and sheets, I wonder if I'll ever get far enough away from this city, and it's poisonous orange glow, to see the starry sky again.
But the constant contrast of silhouettes against the ever illuminated night is more than charming...
I go from an awkward time with this lesbian ordeal where she actually told me she felt confused for awhile into another wonderful thought moment,'
Fuck me. I hate my brain.
If she isnt going to give into having a real relationship and title it properly Im going to get increasingly irate over time. Why do I want a title? Why do you think? I want her. Im insecure and I like titles. I enjoy that tiny amount of ownership it offers me. That comforts me.
If she meets someone else while doing this "Im happy, lets just keep it how it is." She WILL more than likely lose me as a friend and as someone who lo..likes her.
Im on the verge of trying to turn my life around...AGAIN. I cant put my love life on hold for her while she figures herself out with this lesbian bullshit and college guys. I need someone(now) and Id like that someone to be her, but if she wont give me what I need then I will be unable to keep up a strong face.
If she reads this then I hope she understands. Small victories mean miles of happiness.
::
2011 11 September :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Scott Butler (i need to get a hold of him....)
Fuckin' Fall!
it's getting to be that time of year. we're not quite there yet, but getting steadily closer. it's cooling off. the kiddies are back in school. hell, the trees were starting to turn colors when i went up north last weekend.
it's coming, people. and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.
every year, when it gets to be about this time, i get... weird. well... even weirder than normal. but i like it, okay? this is probably my favorite time of year, and a large part of that is because it makes me feel this way. i'm not entirely convinced i'm alone in this, either. i mean, i seem to recall posting this spring about how i'd seen all these people breaking up because the weather was turning nice, and it was time to go out and play the field for the summer. and now that things are winding down, everyone's looking to snatch up somebody (or has already... they've had all bleeding summer) to hunker down with and spend the winter months together. i could be imagining all of this, and probably am, but it seems like an interesting theory, just in the nature of humans.
as fixated as i am on this possible phenomenon (if it is in fact more than in my head), i'm not sure that it applies to me. i'm in a constant state of oscillation between looking for someone to hunker down with, and looking for nothing but my own satisfaction (which would invariably be complicated by involving another person). this inability to settle on one option or the other primarily causes me to want to beat my head against a brick wall. which, in all actuality, would probably be about as productive as the running in circles i usually wind up doing.
but fall makes it different. it's more intense. the smells. the sounds. the way the air feels. it all means that it's time for introspection and reflection. soaking up nature, and all of the bounties of harvest time. quiet time alone to think about shit. lots of shit. to think about. i get nostalgic. i have ridiculous romanticized fantasies for the future. but they're all hypotheticals. because i like the subtle ache of watching everyone else be happy together. i was never a part of their happiness. even if i pretended awhile. but theirs isn't what makes me happy. i'm happy alone in my head. it's where i spent the first 7 years of my life. and all the bullshit of this world that i've encountered since has succeeded in doing nothing but confuse and depress me. why can't i go back and just think on things, and feel the ache, and have people leave me alone.
but the rest of the world won't let me do that. i guess that's why they say i get weird this time of year. because, to them, it is weird. sucks to be them. i like it this way. it's the way my brain was designed to be. if that's not good enough for you, then go suck a bag of dicks. because that's as good as it's ever going to be.
::
2011 31 August :: 1.04am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Futurama is on TV
... Life
So... here I am 25, divorced, one degree, still in school, working part time at a shitty job that I have no future at, going in for surgery in 2 weeks. I have hip dysplasia. This is why I've had hip pain for 5 years now. I'm gonna go in and willingly let them cut/break my pelvis in three spots, put pins in, repair tears in the labrum, realign/position things, and maybe even do something to the head of my femur. I'm absolutely terrified. I know Ryan will be by my side through it all. But still. I hate having to rely so much on other people. I've been let down by so many, it's hard to put complete trust in them. I'm scared the pain will be more than I can handle. Scared that even after recovery that I'll be .... disabled.... more so than I am now. Right now most of the pain can be handled by codeine. Taken often but still. And I wonder if I'll end up having to have the same thing done to my other hip..... And I'm in the ending point of my second degree this one for Veterinary Technology. *I yell/say fluffy whenever I see a dog... heh Ry and I will be out playin disc golf and i see one and go fluffy and ruin everyone concentration and such* I have to go to Detroit for the procedure since he's the only Dr in the state that does em. I'll be down there for about a week. And I realized tonight that my parents will too, so I wonder who will take care of my pup. I have asked the hunny to take care of her while I'm gone and he might. I need him there that first day. I'm going to be a wreck. He's my rock. My sanity. My everything. I don't understand it, we're opposites but he's my everything. He knows me better than I do myself. He's not always what I want, but he's always what I need. He encourages me, pushes me, spoils me, pampers me, he's my world. In the last year... he's become my life. I know this surgery is supposed to help. But I'm scared of being more disabled than I am now, of anesthesia not working like it should, of having more pain after recovery than I do now, of the whole surgery being ... botched. I try not to think of these things but as the day gets ever so close it's hard not to. I try to sleep at night and all I can picture is them taking the scalpel to my groin and being able to feel it and see the blood. Its so vivid I almost want to cry. And this is so hard to explain to people. Its just like it'll be ok, just don't think about it. Well... fuck... this is going to happen, the surgery, how can I not think about how it might go wrong?!? I'm 25 and this isn't normal!!! I've never wanted to be normal on the outside... but now that I'm older and have been having joint issues for 5 years... I want to live one day in some one else's body and see what it's like to live without aches and pains. I have had days I can't even pick my right foot up more than 6-8 inches because of the pain. Not to mention stairs... i have to do a flight ... well like 20ish stairs at Ry's... I can handle that usually, some days it's difficult. Not to mention hills :( I love to disc golf. I've been doing it for a year and haven't had an ace. Got close about 3 times at old farm though. But I can't walk hole 10 cause of the hill, sometimes I have to stop at 9 cause the walking is just too much. Fucking hate it. Makes me feel pathetic. Ry is such a strong person. Emotionally and physically. I wish I were more like him. He makes me want to be better. But I feel like I hold him back when I can't do stuff like that. He understands and never makes me feel bad about it, never complains about it. Offers to carry me when I'm in pain. I keep telling him I'm waiting till after surgery to take him up on that. Well ... I'm gonna stop for now. I'm going to keep updating more.. This will be my "recovery" journal. So if you want to hear my story... listen.. if not thats fine too. I just need a place to vent thats not my bf and won't get annoyed after awhile.
