a sense of poise and rationality
updating again.
i'm over at GJ for the most part now.
it's just so awesome..
::shrug::
i update here sometimes.
ugh.
i have nothing to say.
yesterday was thanksgiving.
:)

call me a safe bet
it's father's day again.
last year my father's day sucked.
maybe it'll be better this year??
i'm hoping that since megan's here things won't get bad.
but i doubt it'll help much.
:(
i don't know why i'm not in bed..
i guess i just don't want to sleep.
which is weird, since i've been looking forward to sleeping in my own bed for a week or so.
::shrug::
it's nice to be back.
i was really starting to miss this place.
and i think i can manage with megan for the month, or so.
she seems pretty cool..but, as stephen (my other cousin..her brother) said, she's a bit of a drama queen.
she's everything i'm not.
pretty, daring, funny, loud, tan, beautiful..
gah..this is making me more depressed.

guilty by design


(yes, i DID make the banner..don't ask why it's Ashlee)

then she told that she had a gun..
school is out soon.
very soon.
two weeks.
two more mondays.
two more tuesdays.
two more wednesdays.
two more thursdays.
two more fridays.
one more sucky weekend.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?!?
school is what gets me by, i'm not sure i can survive without it.
i dont want to go to oregon anymore.
im having second thoughts about this whole megan thing.
SCHOOL IS OUT IN TWO FUCKING WEEKS.
holy shit.
i leave soon.
i leave in 19 days.
oh my gosh...
this is weird.

just do your best to hear me..
i'm going to try and explain this..
these are things that i feel and think and i want to know if anybody knows anything about them, or if anyone feels/thinks the same way.
the first major thing is thinking in numbers. this mostly happens when i'm really tired..all of the sudden everything around me takes on a number. for example, i am a 2 and my clock is an 8.i dont know where these numbers come from, but they are usually one digit.
numbers also sometimes remind me of things. the other day in algebra we were working on an equation and i was suddenly reminded of a family at christmas, sitting in front of their fireplace. it wasn't just a random thought, when i looked back at the equation i could still see the family.
i've been trying to do research online to find out if there's a medical condition or brain thing that causes some people to think with numbers, but so far i haven't found anything.
i was told that some people with OCD think about numbers, but i am literally thinking in numbers.
i was wondering if it was something like synesthesia, but with numbers.
i dont know, maybe i'm just insane.
if you have ANY ideas or knowledge pleeaaase let me know.

all has gone wrong...
so today sucked.
i tried to be happy, i really did..
i tried my hardest to ignore the nagging feeling inside of me, that something was going to go wrong.
but lunch killed it.
jamie was back on his fucking Cody Baker rant, and what a fag he was, and i just lost it.
i've had enough of jamie and his stupid comments.
guys are stupid...why is it that gay guys are, like, the worst thing in the world, but lesbians are sooo fucking hot?
holy shit, it's two girls that like eachother..BIG DEAL.
it's been driving me insane..ever since i came out to him, he doesn't shut up about it.
i swear, if there happens to be another chick within 10 feet of me, he starts going on about how im thinking that she's hot and i want to do her, or something.
grrrr.
and then he makes fun of Cody, like it's not big deal.
"he's mean to me, so why can't i be mean back?"
ARE WE IN FIRST GRADE?!
geez.
things are worse on A Days, when mike's there too.
so yeah, after lunch i was fucking pissed, and really sad too.
things just kept coming down on me.
it was like the whole world decided that i didn't need to have anything good happen to me today.
science was probably the worst class i've had all year.
which sucks, because i love science.
but we were doing velocity graphs with the calculators and motion dectors, and ours wouldn't work.
it was so fucked up, mr. glenn gave us new everything, and it never worked.
he even tried to do it for us, but noooo.
so, the last half hour of science was a complete waste of time, and very frustrating.
and then of course Kendra decided to be insanely hyper.
so she's bouncing off the walls, laughing like a crazy person, and telling me that im a Noble Gas.
gahh.
i wanted to throw something against a wall.
the bus ride wasn't that bad..neither was the walk home.
i got to be alone.
even though Jess and Hannah and Paige came back and sat across from me.
i spent the entire ride staring at the floor, trying to figure out how old the bus was.
and when we got off, Jess waited for me, but then they stopped because they're stupid, and dont know how to tie their shoes, so i just kept walking.
i got ahead of everyone except that one Teal girl.
and Cory..who always rides his bike.
but yeah.
atleast i have The Burn Journals to keep me occupied.
it's such a great book...so intense.
did i already say that?
i think i did..
whatever.
i want to cry.
but my parents will be home soon, and i have to be happy.
happy, happy holly.

i want to be there with open arms..
i watched How To Deal tonight.
it was really good!
i think i might like Mandy Moore
hehe.
anyhoo.
things will emma and i are back to normal, i think.
we talked for a long time earlier today.
it was so nice.
ive missed her so very much.
it's hard losing your best friend, your sister..
the girl you'd give your life for.
but she's mine again, and i couldn't be happier.
:)
yeahh.
looks like im not being forced into doing something today (long story..)
which leaves monday.
i guess that's okay..i dont mind being homeless.
but, it's not really homeless, if im spending time with the one person who makes me feel home.
after all, home is where you feel safe, and loved..and that's what he makes me feel.
that among other things.
;)
hehe.
noel is being super sweet right now.
she's laying on my lap look adorable.
earlier she was kissing my chin.
hehe.
i have to go put together a playlist to figure out what cds to buy.
later.
<33
-holly-

i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut...
today was weird.
and full of suprises.
dont really feel like going into detail..mostly cos i dont know what to say.
i do believe my parents are going to watch Apollo 13.
bleh.
atleast they wont be bugging me.
puhchew.
justin and i might do something..tomorrow or monday..or both?
i hope.
yeah.
ummmm.
dont know what else to say.
i think i'll just go.
nick hasn't called in forever.
:(
bye for now.
<3
-holly-

im trying to forget that im addicted to you..
oh yay.
tomorrow is the 8th.
just incase things couldn't get any worse.
::sigh::
gah.
im going to stay up until midnight tonight and tomorrow, so i can see it in and out.
staying up tomorrow night wont be too hard..i'll probably be at home on the computer.
like any other friday night.
:-\
i still cant believe it's already been 2 months.
tis insane.
two months without Her.
blah.
can i just die?

if dreams are like movies than memories are films about ghosts..
FACTS ABOUT LGBT YOUTH


* Gay and lesbian teens are more likely to commit suicide than their heterosexual peers, accounting for up to 30% of all completed suicides among teens.


* 50% of lesbian and gay youth report parental rejection because of their sexual orientation.


* Up to half of the gay and bisexual males forced from their homes engage in prostitution as a means to support themselves.


* The average age at which lesbians and gays acknowledge their same-sex orientation is between 14 and 16 years of age for males, and between 16 and 19 years of age for females.

* The U.S. Department of Justice has stated that homosexuals are probably the most frequent victims of hate crimes in the United States.


* 42% of homeless youth identify as gay or lesbian.


* 19% of gay men and 25% of lesbians report suffering physical violence at the hands of a family members as a result of sexual orientation.


* 97% of high school students report hearing homophobic comments made by school staff.


* In 1992, the Hetrick-Martin Institute reports that 80% of gay and lesbian teens experience feelings of severe isolation: social isolation (having no one to talk to), emotional isolation (feeling distanced from family and peers because of their sexual identity), and cognitive isolation (lack of access to good information about sexual orientation and homosexuality).

i cant stop this anymore than you can...
happy easter!
::grin::
im rather happy today.
dunno why.
but i suppose it doesn't really matter, so long as i am.
anyhoo.
i love the smell of the house right now, it smells sooo good!
the lovely smell of turkey, veggies, and just general cooking.
yeahh.
dad's old highschool buddy and his wife are coming over for supper.
i got lucky, their daughter is staying home to do homework.
so i can pretty much do whatever i want after the meal.
yay.
i think i mgith come up here and a watch a movie on hmy computer.
last night mum and dad bought me Fly Away Home, and then today i got Shrek 2.
:)
speaking of movies, justin and i went to see Guess Who last night.
twas a lot of fun.
oh, and the movie was good too. ;)
hehe.
i stayed up late reading The Twisted Window, again.
i checked out a bunch of my old favorite books from the library.
yeahh.
i got a bunch of Caroline B. Cooney books, and then The Twisted Window (Lois Duncan).
i just couldn't sleep without reading the whole thing.
it only took me 2 hours.
hehe.
i got pretty paranoid last night, and actually ended up looking under my bed.
it didn't help any.
::sigh::
my whole nighttime paranoia is getting worse.
but i'd feel so stupid telling my parents about it...
i dont even know why im scared..
mean, i know what im scared of, but i dont know why.
ever since i moved my bed over there, ive been freaked out.
but, i cant move it.
::giggle::
anyways, i think that's about all i have to say.
have a great easter everyone.
<3
-holly-

reach, reach for the girl..
pouring rain, doughnut morning
it's raining, and all you can think of is Her.
a box of doughnuts runs across your mind,
it's chasing hotel key cards, and firey bathing suits.
your mind returns to the moment of the first.
you can almost hear snoring in the next bed...
your thoughts wander down empty hallways,
listening to the sound of Her voice.
all these memories seared into your brain forever.
two months without Her looms ahead,
if only you could rewind,
and pause life on the morning of pouring rain and doughnuts

(c) hols 2005

it's getting away from you again, while you're chasing ghosts..
i found my old icon.
::grin::
so, my journal is back to looking as it did for so very long.
except that i changed the title and the text for the comments.
because tis much too late to have a happy childhood.
yeah.
spring break has been quite lonely.
but it rained today.
and justin will be back tomorrow.
just two and a half more hours until my spring break is over.
yeah..They're taking tomorrow off.
ugh.
but ive got a computer in my room.
so i've decided i'll get on tomorrow morning when i wake up.
haven't dont much this break.
didn't even get my photography archive up on antishift (sorry heather).
well..i think i'll get on the other computer (we got a new one) and see if napster is working.
blehhh.
<3
-holly-