depression
i am depressed.
i suffer from manic depressive disorder.
that's a mental illness.
im no better than the bastards at the special ed table.
doesn't that do wonders for self esteem?
dammit.
i hate the snow.
and im not going to lie anymore....not about my identity.
-naya-

Joshua..and shit
talking to joshua. i'll post the convo when we're done talking.
going to minnisota tomorrow.
yay...sorta.
cos i dont really wanna go.
tis going to be uberly hard work...rawr.
but we get a wee bit of time to shop.
arr
i is going to miss keya and justin...atleast it's not an a day that i has to miss.
lunch went well today..not as good as yesterday and that day before.
yesterday dana delaney sat with us...
wow.
she's so fucking hott...like tay.
rawr.
two girls i could never have...
::sigh::
looks like my convo with joshua is at a stand still...
ecstasypunk (4:51:24 PM): hows traci?
bball4lf58 (4:51:29 PM): good
ecstasypunk (4:51:40 PM): you two doing alright?
bball4lf58 (4:51:47 PM): yep
bball4lf58 (4:51:54 PM): i got her a necklace today
ecstasypunk (4:52:06 PM): that's sweet, im sure she loved it
bball4lf58 (4:52:13 PM): she did
ecstasypunk (4:52:28 PM): what was on it?
bball4lf58 (4:52:30 PM): so how have u been
bball4lf58 (4:53:03 PM): its a silver necklace with a cross on it and a heart in the middle and it has a diamond in the middle of the heart
ecstasypunk (4:53:27 PM): cute..ive been okay i guess
bball4lf58 (4:53:42 PM): thats cool
ecstasypunk (4:53:54 PM): yeah
ecstasypunk (4:54:04 PM): i dont have to go to school tomorrow!
bball4lf58 (4:54:10 PM): y
bball4lf58 (4:54:18 PM): i get to leave early
ecstasypunk (4:54:21 PM): game?
bball4lf58 (4:54:22 PM): im going to the game
ecstasypunk (4:54:35 PM): yeah..im going to minnisota
bball4lf58 (4:55:02 PM): thats cool next week im leaving to go to texas and mexico
bball4lf58 (4:55:09 PM): for spring break
ecstasypunk (4:55:11 PM): fun
ecstasypunk (4:55:29 PM): i'll probably sit around all of spring break at home
bball4lf58 (4:55:39 PM): oic
ecstasypunk (4:55:55 PM): bleh

yeah...i can't believe he actually talked to me...
hehe.
and i cant believe he's going out with traci.
it makes me giggle.
their heights are.......................................................................................................................................................................................................
a wee bit opposite.
lol.
0
|
| 0
| |
/\ /\
joshua traci

hehe..
like my pictures?
they're cute walking down the hall together though.
rawr.
i tis bored.
later.
-holly-
p.s.
i'll miss everybody.
TAY: I'LL THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY SECOND!

Hehe.
mum and dad just got home.
I had fun while they were gone.
Got on MSN messanger...had a webcam convo with rinku.
talked to joseph and keya.
I looked like a cheap whore..
In my brown mini skirt and a low cut shirt.
and FISHNETS.
joseph said i should wear it to school sometime and see what people said.
hm...
I'm so happy to be back.
I kinda missed doing all this stupid stuff.
lol.
I think I'll make some more scars tonight...
I had a lucid dream 2 nights ago.
Saturday night.
twas awesome.
I woke up when I realised I was dreaming though.
Realised it, started to change something, and then woke up.
::sigh::
But it's progress.
Hold on, gotta go get some mail.
Something from Amy...Amy from camp.
Let's see what it is.
A magazine thing...hmmmm
have to talk that over with mum.
and a spring newsletter from Creative Treasures.......yeah.
And of course 4-H stuff.
Nifty.
I got a lot of mail today.
lol.
That'll be all I get for months though.
::sobs::
Nobody ever sends me mail.
hehe.
I should go...and do other shit.
later,
Holly

rawr
holly is back.
::sigh::
yes, yes.
i've had so much fun soaring around and being a raven, but i think that i'm done. for awhile.
im definatly done for this year.
maybe i'll go away this summer
i dunno.
cant deside...
::sigh::
why am i sighing so much?
cos i haven't been able to for so long maybe.
whatever.
ack.
my batteries are dying.
EVIL.
lol.
why the hell am i so hyper today?
i feel so uberly sick, but kinda hyper.
hehe.
and evilish.
yeah......
i has a piece of tape on my face...from grant.
:-D
justin wasn't at school today.
broke his promise.
"i never miss a days"
"i'll be there tomorrow, promise"
RAWR.
love is stupid.
love is a four letter word for broken hearts.
::sobs::
but i'm the one who broke his heart.
grrr.
-holly-

holly is coming back tomorrow.
rawr.
tonight i suppose.
this sucks.
i don't want to leave.
i've been here so long that i don't really want to go home anymore.
i like it here.
but holly wants her stupid life back.
maybe she'll see how fucked up it is and then go back to being a raven.
i dont wanna leave.
-naya-

rawr.
keya didn't update her blog
::evil stare::
that's okay, i still wuv you keya.
lol.
i cut my sholder.
hehe.
it hurt, but it was a relief.
does that make any sense?
bleh.
cutting myself is a relief, but sometimes it hurts.
yeah...
i have to get some more pictures up on antishift.
it wasn't working earlier.
i could try it again.
cos i uploaded some nice pics of me....and some of noel and stryder.
yayz.
i'll go do that now.
and then eat dinner.
yeah.
-naya-

just got back from sam's house. went there last night. her mum and krista got back from jamaica. missions trip. yeah. so we chilled at their cousins house while den and doug went to get the ppl at the airport. twas fun. her cousins are so uberly cute. breanna has bangs now. yeah. sam, shy, and i watched vh1. one hit wonders. #2 was soft cell's tainted love
that song is so fucking cool.
yeah and then we went back to sam's and sam and i went to the basement and talked until like 2.
religon, friendship, my artwork, and she also interegated me about the voices. yeah.
today we just kinda hung around, watched the swan princess (that's such a cute movie), went out with camillish.
omigosh we were like walking around in this fieldish thing and like there's this lil shack/storm shelter thing that we were looking around in and then when we walked out sam screams and is like "there's a guy over there" we all took off running. yeah. then we figured out that we all saw him different. sam saw him as a balding dude, grey. camillish saw him with dark hair, and blue and a cap on. i saw his just a dark brown figure. he had his back turned to us, that's the only thing we all definatly know.
::sigh::
mum and dad went to famous dave's and the mall. they were going to sears. no idea why.
left about an hour ago ive gathered. dunno.
whatever.
yesterday was the 27th......
grr.
im so fucking stupid.
-naya-

just got back from sam's house. went there last night. her mum and krista got back from jamaica. missions trip. yeah. so we chilled at their cousins house while den and doug went to get the ppl at the airport. twas fun. her cousins are so uberly cute. breanna has bangs now. yeah. sam, shy, and i watched vh1. one hit wonders. #2 was soft cell's tainted love
that song is so fucking cool.
yeah and then we went back to sam's and sam and i went to the basement and talked until like 2.
religon, friendship, my artwork, and she also interegated me about the voices. yeah.
today we just kinda hung around, watched the swan princess (that's such a cute movie), went out with camillish.
omigosh we were like walking around in this fieldish thing and like there's this lil shack/storm shelter thing that we were looking around in and then when we walked out sam screams and is like "there's a guy over there" we all took off running. yeah. then we figured out that we all saw him different. sam saw him as a balding dude, grey. camillish saw him with dark hair, and blue and a cap on. i saw his just a dark brown figure. he had his back turned to us, that's the only thing we all definatly know.
::sigh::
mum and dad went to famous dave's and the mall. they were going to sears. no idea why.
left about an hour ago ive gathered. dunno.
whatever.
yesterday was the 27th......
grr.
im so fucking stupid.
-naya-

Wow...
Today has been uberly fun.
Hehe.
I got up at like 8:30, and fed Stryder.
Then I got on the computer.
Been on AIM and Sims all day. Hehe.
And tons of people have called.
Some forgein telemarketer called, Daniella, the library, Sam, and Tori just called a minute ago.
rawr.
Twas funny when the telemarketer called cos he was doing this survery thing. He's like "Do you have cable television?" and I'm like "Mm-hmm." and so he's like "How many televisions do you have in your homes?" And I go "Ummm......." and then hung up.
Hehe.
Stupid telemarketers.
Bleh.
I've only eaten popcorn today. Twas really good though. Cinnamin popcorn. Nummers.
It sucks not having Justin to talk to, but I'm surviving I suppose.
::sigh::
HE GOT HIS PERMIT!
hehe.
tis beautimous.
Oh and I drew a picture/collage of depression yesterday.
I'm almost done.
Tis morbidly awesome.
Think that's about it.
Peace,
naya

I figured it out
"We are the broken people." Something that Enna says all the time. I figured out why today. It just hit me when we were leaving lunch. Maybe it was the image of the three of us (Keya, Justin, and I) walking through those doors, all our heads bowed, with sad faces that made me realise. It refers to the three of us, We are the broken people
I'm growing to wonder about the voices. Where are the they really? I know Jackson is in jail, but what about Enna, what about Echo...Lily....who is gone now. But Enna and Jackson. I wonder if they're real people. I wonder if I'm a voice in someone's head. You know what else I realised? It's Enna who keeps me barely eating, and hurting myself. She brings me down. Tells me I'm not worth anything. She's like the voices they talked about in the anorexic video. But it's Jackson who keeps me alive. Who tells me how beautiful I am. That I'm loved by Justin and Keya, and him, and all my other friends. Sometimes it doesn't matter to me who wins between them. They're growing to hate eachother. I love them both though.
They're so diverse...so....mine.
Even if they do end up hurting me and getting me into the looney bin, in the long run I love them, and they're always there for me.
-naya-

I almost threw up a few times today. In civics..and health. I cut myself during study hall. Mrs. Blowers is so friggin blind. Just sitting up at her desk reading the latest edition of People magazine "WHY I QUIT SEX!" right on the front cover...yeah, that's school appropriate
Then I went to the bathroom when everybody got out of first lunch. Went and talked to Keya at her locker. Then went to the bathroom and tried to throw up. I didn't purge though...I hate doing that. I just tried to bring it up. I think I might of gotten it up, but some evil chick walked in and I had to stop. It was a prep, so it probably wouldn't have mattered anyways. We could've been two eating disorder chicks in the bathroom together. But I didn't wanna take the chance. It's hard to tell which ones still are. But math was fun. Math was uberly fun. Grant and I talked to whole time. hehe... We're getting to be pretty good friends. He gave me gum today..said it helped with upset stomachs.
rawr.
I have a headache.
-naya-