this weekand...
what can i say about my weekand? well uhm lets see here, i went to work on Friday and then when i closed the store, i went to my friend Jessicas apt. Then we played another game of strip poker, though cuz i was getting sleepy Jess and me forfit the game hahaha. Though Chad and Nick had been nekked at least once a peice. Same with me though. Then Jess and Nick ran off to the bedroom, We were going to sleep but then something happened, we began to kiss, they were soft kisses but it got me going, Then i got up, turned out the light and got on top of him, basically we ended up having sex. He says about 2 hours we were going but who knows, all i know is he got me off like 15 times. Then i went to work Saturday night. Worked till closing again and came back to Jessicas apt. Chad was the only one awake this time, Then Nick and Jess got up for a few, Then Jess soon disappeared in the bedroom, Then Nick put a movie on, Chad and I laid down on the couch, it wasnt long before Nick left the movie playing and passed out. We began to make out again but it didnt last this time, i kept falling to sleep because i was extremely tired. I remember falling asleep like 3 times and then he would kiss me, But then i passed out. I guess it didnt work anymore. Then yesterday i helped my buddy Chad move his parents out of their house. That was fun, we filled up a storage unit. Then i took Chad to my sunday dinner, which i found out a little later that he was nervous, i thought that was a bit weird after all, he did actually start talking after a little bit but he kinda followed me around my house, which i thought was cute. He didnt eat though and that worries me, he needs to eat i mean at least a few things here and there. but neways, then they loaded my car up with all their shit and i sat in my driver side seat, with a blanket on my lap. They were crushed in with stuff all around them. I felt bad. But ya know, then we got back to jessicas and we chilled for a bit, then i had to go, went home, called Chad and talked to him till almost midnight....Which i have quit starting now on Smoking. Its going to suck at first but i shall love it soon enough and im going to start exercising too. Hopefully ill be able to stay in Shape as well. Neways though, there aint much to really say other then that. so Later!

another bad night...
this week has been the longest week i have had in a long time. I am ready to just let go. I want to walk out on my mom, see how she feels after im gone from her life. She is trying to rule over me cuz i may not graduate. Well screw that, outside of school isnt going to do me any good. Next week i have alot of shit i gotta do anyways. Im going to start running and walking on monday, maybe sunday night, who knows but this weekand i am still gone from my moms. I think, i hope, and i really need a break from the damned drama. I need to like rent a hotel and just sit in it for 24 hours, do nothin but get food and snooze. Chad was funny last night when i saw him, he started to get a little clingy and i dont really want clingy though i dont mind on Occation. i mean i know i like him but at the same time i think im pushing everyone away which is kinda scary to me. i mean i dont think of "him" as often. the one i will always love but yet at the same time he somehow gets back into my life. Without even having contact with me. I want to move to alabama. Though i dont wanna leave and hurt people. Though at the same time though i do need away from all that i know, including my normal self in order to fix my little problem. I want to get lost and not be found for like 2 weeks. Then i will be back on Track. Well im not sure if i have anything else to say, i wanna see Chad and try to figure myself out, try to work it out in my own head. I mean i do wanna see him and he does make me happy when i let him. There isnt too much to say though so, Later.

so sick of love....
Last night, What can i say? it started more around 2:30pm when i called my manager to tell him i couldnt work cuz i had to take my brother to School. he got pissed and told me some shit then i said whatever and hung up with him. I cant stand this job anymore. I need something new or to just quit for awhile. I need a vacation. I need to get away from it all, My mom, My brother, School, Work EVERYTHING!!! i just want to run away. I wish i could even though i technically can. My mom just doesnt understand, but then i went to pick my bro up and my friend Jess came with me, After we had played a lovely game of Strip poker hahaha! well neways, we went to pick him up, on the way my mom called me and she talked with me, Then my brother called me to bitch that i wasnt there. After i was ready to hang up my mom called back so i told him that i would be there late and i was sorri then i got back on the phone with my mom, Then i got bitched at by her because i told her i would be late home because i had Jess with me, Well fuckin shit, Then i got to my house around 10:45pm. i got to Jessicas in leauge City only 5 minutes later so i stayed for another half hour, Then i went home. I got home around 11:40pm. My mom this morning bitched at me again and now im prolly grounded which is fuckin bullshit. I just want out of my moms life. I love her but she needs to get away from me and off my back. I mean she is basically begging me to move out with how she is acting toward me. I dont understand anything anymore, i need to keep my mouth shut and finish school so that my mom cant bitch and complain about how one of three did not graduate. I dont want her to be upset when i move out again but i cant do it, i cant hack it living with her. I am gone all the time because i cant stand being in her house, its something that bugs me, I wanna be at Jessicas all the time to visit with her and make out with Chad and to chill. Maybe drink on occation but nothin special. Well im not sure of what else to say, im just sooo pissed/sad/depressed/angry/and shot down. I just cant wait till the end of today at school so i can see Chad, even if for a little bit, he will help me feel comfy. later yall.

woah
Well last night was interesting, first i called into work. Though i still had to go in so i took Chad, Jess, and Nick to Chads parents place. Then i went to work and it was boring as all hell. so i finally came up with an excuse to get out of work and i left. It was about 7:30. Then i went back to Chads parents house, Chilled for a few when i got a call from my friend Brooke who i havent heard from since forever ago!!! So i went to visit her and i got to see her new baby and he is BEAUTIFUL!!! ugh. :-D!!! Kamrin is his name and how its spelled, Brooke is just so lucky to have the perfect guy for it. But then i went back to Chads and then got them all to say goodbye and then we went backt o the apt. Well then as i was saying my goodbyes to Chad, It got a little Hot n Heavy. Haha....Well ya....Maybe ill tell more later today, I gtg, Class is almost over!!!

whatever it may be
well this weekand sucked and this week is turning out all ready to suck balls. I work everyday this week, including Closing on Friday and Saturday! Its retarded. I dont wanna work it lol. Then my mom is pissed at me for my OE coarses that i havent completed and if i dont complete them then fuck it, ill take some summer school and then get over it. But i will finish High School FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! FINALLY! man and then my sorta guy Chad didnt want me to leave my friend Jess's house last night, and i almost didnt but i had to so i told him that i couldnt. Felt bad but i got over it lol cuz i talked to him for like an hour or so. I cant wait for this shitty week to be over cuz now i cant go Dancing with Krystine and that makes me sad, i was gonna be her dance partner even though i cant dance. It really sux. I feel like drawing but im too lazy to do so. oh well though, ill be alright i guess and eventually ill get over it. But ya, i am preying for these scholarships. Now i have this guy in my class jamming out to this Raving song, he seems like a fun party guy, i need to invite him to Jessicas house lmao. That would be fun. Hes a funny guy named Clayton who knows my Ex Dustin, Weird.....But ya, Hes kool. Neways though, Gtg, Listening to my Fav song now, Lata!

not so sure
well there isnt a hole lot to say or talk about cept that Chad is really into me and im only part into him. So im not so sure about anything anymore cept that i love Brady with my whole heart and knowing he isnt going to be here for my prom or my grad just makes me soooo sad. i love him and i know he loves me even though its in a different way. so ya.....there isnt much more i guess that i can say. Early out today so i can skip out of my IPC class woot!!!! lol. Ok ok i know, im a genious! Later!!!

not so sure anymore
Well lets see here. Update is....I got my class ring, its beautiful. I had to go to Fuqua to get it and thoughs in Houston would know what i mean. But yea. Then lets see here, Got drunk last weekand, Wish i could do it again though i probibly cant cuz i close fridays and Open saturdays...My weekands are ruined with work work work. I want to be able to go out on Friday and Saturday nights. I mean what does my manager think i wanna do? i dont wanna work like crazy. Cuz when i get out of school, thats all im going to do is work work work. Neways though, then im kinda seein Chad right now, which is weird cuz i dont really like him. Then again, i do. I dont wanna more like it though. I probibly partly deny it cuz i will always love Brady and noone else. Plus Chad teeth, gross, i dont like nasty teeth, im always scared right before making out with him cuz his teeth are nasty messed up. But ya....Then i made out with my friend Jessica, My girl Val wants to date me, which is AWESOME! but sux at the same time. My girl Val lives in Austin so :'( Well neways, I think thats all my updates cept oh ya! I finally talked to Brady. It was a great convy even though it made me miss him all over again. Made me cry all over again too. We talked about 2 hours last weekand, he told me i called him at a perfect time....I was happy, he wants to got o my prom but says he cant. So i understand. Well i guess i gotta jet now, Writing assignment in English class, Later.

Beats me
What up yall? So I asked Brady to my prom and he said he had to ask his parents. Im glad that he wants to go and even if he cant i wont be too hurt cuz it aint his fault. Other then that though im good and im tired and sleepy too. My ex Brian called me last night while i was asleep and left me a voice mail. He leaves it under Urgent and says "hey you never call me anymore! what happened? well call me back when you get this" i just laughed when i heard it. Neways though, i was suppose to work the rodeo last night but i didnt get to cuz it was full. So neways imma go now, im watching Wake me up when september ends. Later.

i dont really know
Well yesterday was interesting. I had some fun hangin with Tracy, Tony slept for most of it lol. I was drivin around like crazy. I had no stopping time to relax till about 8pm. Which did suck, Although i did get to have some fun before i went home so its all good. Then when i got home, my mom complained that i dont spend enough time home and blah blah blah. Ive also decided to invite Brady to my Prom and hope he accepts, if he dont then im still sending him an Invite to my Graduation. If he dont accept that one, ill be one sad little girl on both days of this year. In a few months. Then i got invited to go to the rodeo. I will prolly go, it will be fun like last year. Neways though, i missed Balfour being at my school yesterday, it sucked. My mom is going to be pissed off. oh well, means i gotta drive to Balfour sometime when im off of Work next. Or my mom can go, either way, it dont matter. Well yea so thats about all i can think of to say, Besides that Final Destination 3 was a kickass movie. I wanna go see it again! lol. Later yall.

This Day....why?
V-day for me is one of the worst holidays. I mean i hate them all but this one is the worst. I never get i always give and yet all i want is not a material thing. I want him back. Ill even move to Alabama for him. I want him back sooo badly. I hurt him three times and the third time that was it for him. I understand but it hurts me so badly everyday to not have him. When i moved back in with my mom, she knew i didnt want to be with Jason, she knew i wanted him and she told me to go back to him. It took me a bit but i finally got rid of Jason and since then ive been trying to take you back baby. So where are you now that im out in the cold. Im vulnerable but only for you. I shut the whole world out except for you. Why cant you love me back the same way? i love you deep down and it hurts to know there is so much more out there but you wont love me back when i know we are Soulmates. Well i love you again and im sick of hurting so i will end this fast like all the other ones. I cant handle it no more. Dont blame yourself. I love you always.....Goodbye.

ugh...Too early!
Well its around 8 something in the morning and im in 1st period but it sux that ive only been up one hour and yet...Im already back to being tired from all the runnin i have been doin this morning. I have a pizza party planned and im always the planner of them because of my workin for Papa Johns Pizza. :-\ So yea...Other then that, last night i cried on my drive home while thinkin of Brady (love of my life) i wish to find someone worth the time to forget about him. Although i dont wanna forget him at all. I want him back and i know that aint gonna happen so why am i still bitchin? beats me, Hes in College now, prolly met some beautiful girl that he will finaly loose his virginity to. He dont needa loose it to me. Since im such a back stabbing bitch. Fuck em. Ya know? I just wish i could have fooled around with him sometime while i was visiting him, so that just maybe he wouldnt be a virgin to everything. Oh well though, He says he dont want me hurt but he dont wanna hear about my pain cuz hes over me. Just gimme one more chance to love. Please oh Please.....Goodbye....

Bah! lol
Well im still a bit irritated. Sick of being alone. I want someone to love me like i love so many. But at the same time i think im pathetic. I want so much and yet i dont want to hurt anyone cuz at the end, i find out i love Brady in the long run. I want him but i want someone else so that i can get over him. I like soooooo many. There is a list in my head but noone cares about who i like. Including some in the room im in for 1st period and one in 2nd, none in 3rd. I dont think it could work out. I like Luke too and he seems like such a great guy but he wants to get to know me first. I know thats good but im so afraid that he will end up thinkin of me as a sister or something. If he dont like me then i just hope he tells me someday. In my world everything is perfect but i cant hide in my world all the time. I used to and it worked for me for so long but now that i have some people i truely care about i cant hide from people. Just like i cant lie to people. Which sux but ya know. Its kool too cuz i would rather tell the truth and see tears then to lie and see a smile. While i hide it away. the only thing i dont ever wanna say is if i like someone as more then a friend. Maybe someone right beside me dont even know. Which is all good but i dont think he would like me neways.

Why cant i be perfect?
What is this feeling? im sick of hurting inside. Im sick of the heart ache. I want Happiness. My pain though ceases to fade as i sit around and all i do is think of Brady. I love that man. He is perfect in so many ways. I miss when he held me in his room. I miss when we tickled each other and just had some fun. We didnt think of the future but we knew we loved each other. I know my heart loved all it could for Brady or else i wouldnt still be hung on him. Its been near a year and a half since we were together last. I dont want to go any longer with out him. Then the next item to talk about is my mom. Shes been being a bitch since ive been staying at my best friends house. I have been helping Tracy out with her Baby Tony and so why cant this be okay? i go to bed on time. I get enough sleep and i get up when im suppose to. Shit sometimes i get up at 3am thinkin its 6am and i get outside to my car turn it on, only to find out that my clock in my car said, 3:11am. I was pissed but happy too. lol. Then i went back into Tracy and passed out. Thats all, Besides that im going to have to move out again soon. My mom and I arnt getting along no more. Its retarded. So later.

*burp*
Woo....I am winding down from being up two hours now. I spent the night with my best friend, her baby Tony, and her dog Mable. I loved it. We went to bed around 2 am and i got up around 6am. So its all good!!!! hahahha.....I am still celibate. For the most part. Im hoping that i can make it untill im Married. I dont wanna go through the bullshit anymore. So it kinda sux. I really wanna get laid but i cant. I want it to be special, i dont want it to just be a one night thing with a friend. I want someone who will love me for me and hope for forever. So fuck it. Guess ill be single for awhile, i know a bunch of guys will walk away once i say i wont fuck em, even if i date them. They will have to marr me first. :-P Later yall. Im too bored to write, Well actually i just really dont have much to talk about besides that i saw Broke Back Mountain last night as well. Very good, its about two gay guys meeting up but yet they dont end up much together, One goes and gets married, Has two kids and the other has one kid and gets married. The movie all in all was great though. I think i saw sex in that movie about four times. lol. It wasnt bad though. So yea. Im ready to move out again but i dont have a place to go this time. I wont move in with tracy cuz of Jo (her bf) hes the biggest ass on the face of the planet. I cant be around him long before i go nuts. He is better then he used to be though. so you know. blah blah blah!!!! Jason sux balls too lol. I miss Brady, This kid Max is hitting on me, I like Luke, Think James is cute. Greg loves me still, Dont love him, Jason finally has a gf, and im about to die being single. Later yall. And yes this time im done typing!!!

whatever.
I dont get it, I get angry and people talk shit to me, Hide who they are and they dont even fuckin know me. I dont have to meet someone to care for them even as friends. If someone hates me and i know it, i care less but i still care. I dont think ill ever understand this shit. But oh well, Onto my brady Thing, I wrote some more shit about him today and yesterday, its a long poem that to me is just my thoughts on how i feel. Then lets see, This stupid shithead Chris, that goes to school with me, keeps on bugging me about Cigerrettes. It sux, Im ready to punch the faggot in the face. So ya. Then ive come up with a new solution to my problem with Guys, I just wont have sex anymore with my guy friends. Then if i get a bf anytime soon, i wont have sex with them either. Im going to go without sex untill im Married, my best friend asked me how long that would last and i said i hope i stick to it, Same with my Quitting smoking. Im trying soooo hard to quit. My car is Breaking on me, the Transmission is going out, my driver door is stuck shut, my passanger back seat window is broke, i have no gas, and no money. So ya....Later.