:: 2007 8 February :: 6.27 pm

I look at my last entry and cry... most of the stuff is still true. I also laugh though because it is in a list form... what isn't in my life in list form?
I forgot about woohu... i should write more and maybe it will help relive so stress and issues.

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:: 2006 6 June :: 11.10 pm

i cry to much...

i miss you so much
i don't know if i really want you
i can't stand you!
why can't i be true?

i wish
....i could be on the beach and just watch the waves roll in
....i could not have a care in the world
....i could go sailing
....i could sleep

i will
.....make a difference
.....have a smile on my face
.....be nice

i don't want to
....stay
....eat
....work
....please my mom
....be mean

i am who i am... i must live and keep on pushing...

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:: 2006 10 April :: 3.54 pm

back to reality..
i tried to forget about eveything and i did... the sadness all come back today.
i hate ______.

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:: 2006 21 March :: 9.54 pm

tonight was rough... i feel drained. nothing matters. i eat because it is there... i was not prepared for this... i don't know how to handel it. i have never had to go through this, and now that i'm right in the middle of it my emotions are all over the place.
i'm not myself tonight. i just sit and don't care.... When i was coming home from class tonight from i didn't sing all the way home!! well until i got to rockford and realized i hadn't been singing to the radio... i love singing to the radio when i'm all by myself.. and i didn't and dindn't even realize it until 25 min. later!! i just kept praying... lord take her.. she needs to go. she is prepared to go... this is where she needs to be... i don't cry infront of people... even more infront of people i don't even know! i just break down at the veteren's home. i couldn't catch my breath. it was horrible. i don't cry, and when i do it gets the best of me... it sucks all my energy out. i don't know how to deal with it... i listen to songs that i don't even like so i won't have to think about it. oh lord just take her... she coudldn't even talk... i'm so use to jokes that when she didn't.. i just broke down.
i called my dad and just cried to him for like 10 min. i get home and we just cried together for another 10 min... i have never seen him cry so hard... I can't even imagine what it is like right now at the home. he is probably bawling. Lord just take her.

it is her time.

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:: 2006 12 March :: 8.27 pm

i love listening to chicago.. so i'm writing my paper and bob marley is great but i've listened to his cd twice.. and i jus tpopped in chicago.. and i'm revied!!! lol i'm a dork!! but i love it....... and all that jazz....

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:: 2006 27 February :: 8.26 pm

now that cedar pride week is over.. i can actual sleep.
sat. was great... can't wait!!
32 days until spring break.. yeah that is right.. i'm sooo ready to leave and go to nice warm flordia...and gooooo SAILING!!! ahhhh the last week i will not be able to sit still.. yeah. so yes.... ah spring break

~ (\ ~~~ (\~- they are boats. ah i'm a dork.. i know. no need to remind me

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:: 2006 13 February :: 6.10 pm

oh man... i'm so tired and burned out but yet i still keep going.

so tomorrow is v-day.. what a great day.... hmmm...

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:: 2005 6 December :: 4.08 pm

i got my senior pictures back, but i'm not as cool as erika. i can't put them on here for everyone to see. you'll just have to come find me. :) well yes school..
accepted to Western.. pretty much have my tuition paid for for the first 2 years... oh i'm so glad.. and thankful... 4000 a year is just amazing. ah yes! lol.
on my x-mas list.. i only have to get david somehting.. which will actually be hard. he formed a decent size ego of the last year, and i don't think a GI Joe is going to cut it this year. i guess i'll have to get him clothes... oh i remmeber when i was little and if there was a clothes box under the tree i would be so mad!!!!! .. i still do kinda lol... i mean who wants clothes for x-mas when your 6, when you can have a barbie!!! i tell ya. lol. so yes...
well i'm out! much love!

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:: 2005 28 November :: 10.23 pm

ok... so i have pretty much learned and masterd the art of sewing this weekend.... so i'm not the best... yet but hey it is a start.
let me tell you it was tough... lol. Sewing has it's own language.
oh well i did.. i'm almost done and i can say i learned somthing new over break.

Turkey was great. Sleep was wonderful. Sewing is new. That my friends is my break.

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:: 2005 5 November :: 4.05 pm

wow... last night was amazing.

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:: 2005 16 October :: 12.54 am

wow... i'm really stupid. why was out searching for someothing new? i dind't need it. i was just trying to fill a gap. i can live w/o seeing him everyday. i know we still feel the same. honestly today... wow one of the best days in along long time. it was simple and short. it was like anyother day. i loved how it doesn't have to be blown out of proporation... wow. i just wish we could see each other more often, but i know it is mostly because of me. i accept that.. i have to. in a way maybe ishouldn't of saw him today... it will be like we are starting from scratch agian.. having to say good bye agian... not knowing exactly when we will see each other. i'll live. i'll manage. i must. so yeah. i guess you can look at this as a good or a bad thing... i'll decide later.
made 47 bucks tonight doing absoultly nothing.. oh wait i painted my nails :)... gotta love babysitting.
parents coming home tomorrow.. we'll see how i can manage until when the go to flordia.. i just have to keep my distance. it is what i keep telling myself. if we don't talk we can't have an argument right? lol. j/k.. i'll talk to my mom.. just about pointless and stupd stuff.
going to bed night!!!!!

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:: 2005 9 October :: 12.54 pm

homecoming was fun... kinda wish i did something afterwards but oh well can't do too much about it. the ending.. yeah.. i'm stupid.
he makes me mad! why must he get drunk all the time. i hate his excuses and i hate talking to him when he is drunk.. i just get in such a foul mood. i wish i could of driven there last night and been like you listen! you are stupid!!!! and then just walked away. but hell he proally wouldn't of remembered it anywyas.. and god knows if he even knows if i talked to him last night.
i'm so blah... do i call or not?

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:: 2005 24 September :: 12.20 pm

this is mylast day..

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:: 2005 11 May :: 10.41 pm

i must stay strong. i can't break apart now. my girls are with me and they love me. i love my girls.. and mrs. shea. just to hear her voice made me want to call her mom. why did i say mrs. shea? i call her mom. she is my mom.
i just can't wait til summer. i need my girls.
lindsey

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:: 2005 11 May :: 3.58 pm

i forgot...

i love my dad.

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