moana
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2008 12 March :: 9.20pm
:: Music: Incubus - Southern Girl
Could you want me..?
It's time for another list of things I've realized about myself...
1- I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was. I am weak and full of insecurity. I fail almost everyone I care for and constantly pass around advice and trash talk which makes me a hypocrite.
2- I am so over everyone who wants to make my life harder than it needs to be. I know who I love and what I want out of that love, and everyone else, anyone holding their breath for an apology or some kind of reward for accepting me after I've run away, is very welcome to go to hell.
3- I can accept the bullshit situation I've put myself in, and I can even be happy in it, but I'm lonely and I need my friends, my real friends, to support me. Like I said, I'm weak.
4- I miss the closeness I used to have with people so I spend a lot of time reading through old emails from '04 and remembering what it was like to come home everyday from school to an email waiting to be read, full of love and support, sometimes pain and the need for comfort, and I miss it so much I try to grasp at it like some kind of faded washed out dream that wouldn't survive a serious breath. I am filled with dread that I might never have that closeness again with those people I love.
Do you know?
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.j.e.s.s.
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2008 10 March :: 9.56pm
chemical imbalances...........
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m&ms487
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2008 10 March :: 9.38am
Class in a few minutes. Then on to filling out scholarship applications. Money.
Why is it that we feel it's necessary to have the largest budget deficit ever to kill people, but we can't spend that same money on, oh, say, education, or converting every single coal plant into using biofuel?
Spring Break was last week. I didn't do much except work forty hours. Cranky people. Why is everyone so cranky?
The sun stays out until eight now. That should help me adjust my sleeping schedule. I was beginning to miss the sun.
Waves of nostalgia.
I had fresh out-of-the-oven brownies with french vanilla ice cream on top last night. It was like heaven.
Do you know?
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skippi16
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2008 8 March :: 7.36pm
finally got a new computer.. the internet will be up and running as of the 19th. Wedding planning is going well. just ordered the rings, and the flowers.
work is going well, very very well,
i might be an aunt. not very happy about that of course.
Do you know?
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.j.e.s.s.
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2008 2 March :: 10.10pm
so i had this dream that kevin, andy sischo, jay from high school with red hair, phil maas, and other people were walking around trying to kill me and justin bloss and other people with these lazer gun thingys and they had these things that zapped us and hurt like hell. it was terrifying.
stop trying to kill me! me and justin killed andy with a shovel. and sam hamilton tried to help me by telling me the code to shut off the lights.
2 think they know |
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fishyrere
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2008 29 February :: 10.08pm
I want to do something beautiful.
I want to do something that counts.
Do you know?
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m&ms487
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2008 24 February :: 11.13am
I just finished writing a super cheesy autobiographical essay for my English 201 class. Something along the lines of: "Literature is humaness, it is unique" blah blah blah.
Shoot me.
Why does my sincerity always sound so insincere?
Easy day. One class. Brother-in-Training interviews (3) tonight. Coffee. Fundraising committee meeting. E-Board.
What am I going to do with the next seven hours of my LIFE!?!
This is so exciting.
Do you know?
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skippi16
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2008 24 February :: 5.11pm
hey hey yall,,, been plannin away for this freakin wedding.. life is good i guess certain people of the male gender are being dumb as usual. but of course all men are really dumb anyway right.
just got a raise, yay, more money woohoo.
Do you know?
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m&ms487
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2008 22 February :: 9.58am
I finally have the day off!
I'm planning on cleaning, though, but that shouldn't take very long. Maybe an hour or two. I have the day off tomorrow, too, due to a Kappa Kappa Psi service project.
They hired some more people at work, which is nice because I'm working less , but...I'm working less than I want to. I got cut from 32 hours a week to 15. I could settle somewhere around 24 (three days a week, eight hour shifts). That would be just fine with me.
Anyway, maybe I can use today to make my educational plan and figure out what I should minor in.
Maybe I can use it to play the Sims 2.
Maybe I should catch up on my portfolio in creative writing.
But I'll probably just sit around and drink and eat.
and I'm perfectly okay with that.
Michelle
1 think they know |
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sugarjackj
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2008 23 February :: 2.36am
I have become comfortably numb.
Do you know?
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.j.e.s.s.
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2008 22 February :: 3.52pm
i dont think you're supposed to feel this way for a couple years but even still, knowing that, i can't help but keep thinking about it.
i feel like it'd be the only thing i'd be good at. the only thing that would totally fufill me.
i can't even cry when i really really want to i think it's like shut off like a switch. it only allows about 4 tears to slip through.
Do you know?
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.j.e.s.s.
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2008 21 February :: 1.40pm
so i honestly just fell asleep during my chemistry midterm. i mean it's not a huge deal since i still was able to finish it on time, but damn. i'm 99% sure that in the midst of my nap, i laughed outloud during the total silence because i was having some sort of dream thing and laughing at something roman said... it kind of jolted me out my sleep momentarily but yeah i'm pretty sure i did a snort/kind of laugh thing. embarassing. also my professor came up to me i'm not sure if that's what woke me up or if i just felt her presence and woke up on my own .... i was just like "sorry" and she was like "oh you're just takign a break" and I was like ummm yeah but i'm done so its okay...even though i wasn't.
i can't take school anymore. every test i take i just want to get done so bad i just fill in letters. god i'm so bad i know. i just ...........ugh i hate tests.
ughghghgh i seriously just want to quit school so bad. i want to! i have these major doubts i wont make it all the way through so why am i wasting my time now. what will happen if i get a bad grade in even ONE of my classes? i will lose my scholarship and then what? i have no idea. maybe roman and i should just move to ohio and he should work for his dad and make big bucks.
nah....
Do you know?
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m&ms487
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2008 19 February :: 7.16pm
I'm busy and I'm stressed out, still...always, forever, I suppose.
I keep putting off things that I should be doing. Laundry, a four page paper due on Thursday.
I like not doing anything. Coming home, watching t.v for a while, going to bed. It's wonderful.
I feel like I"m at a time in my life where I should be doing great things, where I should be getting ahead for my career(s), where I should start impressing some important people. Except...I'm stuck. All my extra time is spent working at Meijer, and when I have a day off, I use it to sit around and do nothing in an attempt to recover. I hate living like this. It's so hard.
It's so hard to have to miss out on so many things and miss opportunities, and the best part is, I wouldn't have to work if I was a first generation college student, or I was an "under represented minority in the college environment." I could get all kinds of money. But no. I work my ass off, and what will I get? Twelve thousand in debt and grad school. Maybe things will be different by the time I get to grad school...but yet again, that's nearly three years away.
Until then, I"m stuck here, living in some kind of American dream that really feels like hell.
2 think they know |
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sugarjackj
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2008 17 February :: 3.26am
"Altos we can’t hear you. We need more sound from the altos. Altos you were flat. Altos count right.....altos, altos, altos."
wtf dude? There are three other voice parts you can be picking on in Opera rehearsal, not just us. I don’t even sing alto, only for this opera, and I'm still singing louder then the three other alto girls.
I don’t know, maybe its hard to hear the altos because there are twice as many sopranos?? Or maybe, just maybe its because the low register does not carry like the high one? Could it be that the sopranos high B's are going to cover up and altos middle C?? And lastly, could it be that alto is the only part you have ever sung, and that you don’t know how to properly critique the sopranos?
Uhh. Frustration. I have never been yelled at so much for singing in my life.
Way to go altos.
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sugarjackj
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2008 17 February :: 3.23am
Love is old, love is you.
?
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