phil-himself
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2011 22 November :: 10.48pm
Meanwhile at DSI, things are ok.
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sugarjackj
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2011 21 November :: 11.53pm
Do you ever miss something so much it hurts?
Such good times I'll never forget.
And at the same time horrible life changing events.
Internal conflict of emotions.
Ewwww.
1 think they know |
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phil-himself
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2011 21 November :: 4.07pm
Passive Restraints
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.j.e.s.s.
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2011 17 November :: 9.32pm
Scriptina
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gillette
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2011 18 November :: 4.26pm
Trying to start my own business so I can get the hell out of the casino..
I have a website! kind of exciting..
jgillette.bodybyvi.com
I just hope people see my results and know that they can do it too! I'm trying to convince my mom to do it now instead of bariatric surgery. Her surgery is scheduled for December..so we shall see..My Uncle Sam is doing it and he's been a type one diabetic with a pump for 20+ years..and for the first time he's lowering all of his meds! If that doesn't convince my mom I don't know what will..makes me nervous. ugh. Off to work... :/
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sugarjackj
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2011 17 November :: 7.03pm
She walks in beauty
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phil-himself
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2011 9 November :: 6.27pm
I think I lost my fuckin headache.
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gillette
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2011 6 November :: 1.26am
it's funny how much life changes.
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phil-himself
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2011 3 November :: 8.21am
in the now
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.j.e.s.s.
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2011 31 October :: 9.25pm
i only have one person who truly truly understands. i appreciate her and respect her so much for that. especially because she never went through it herself so to understand how i feel is a huge deal. of course shes familiar with the feeling of trying and waiting etc but to actually be told its going to be hard for it happen. that theres a possibility it wont ever happen. thats tough to understand. to that person, you know who you are i hope and just know how much i appreciate it.
i hate so much the feeling where you have something that upsets you so much but you feel like its wrong for you to get sad or be mopey because someone of course has it worse than you do. but then on the other hand i dont want to walk around being miss positive when things aren't positive. i hate going to work every day and pretending like i'm caring about the papers i'm filling out, the patients i talk to, the work i'm doing. i dont care. my mind has been focused on one thing and one thing alone for so many months. i feel so selfish and so self asorbed on one hand and then on the other hand i feel like i have a total right to feel this way.
i have always felt i have one sole purpose on this earth. for that to have become something that might never happen for me is just unthinkable. so upsetting. i hate feeling this way but i can't help it. I can't help thinking that if it doesn't happen for me, i wont ever be complete. i dont even have the option of that "out" that most people have. because the person i'm goign tobe with every day for the rest of my life doesn't see that as an option. and thats not what i wanted anyway but at least i could keep that in the back of my mind as an option if no other way is possible. if it doesn't happen i wont be able to just keep going to work i wont be able to keep participating in life like i might get what i want one day. i wont. this isn't how it was supposed to happen.
i know what i was made for.
God, you know what I was made for too. Why wont you allow it? It scares me so bad. I'm so bitter towards everyone I meet or hear about who has what I don't have. It hurts every time I see how great we would be. It hurts when we act so silly together and then look at each other and say "can you imagine what it will be like when....." to think that there may never be that "when" it hurts so much. I hate the feeling that I can hardly cry about it anymore. Its like its not real. Its like I'm seriously just on a moving sidewalk not actually living my life but just rolling on along... watching everything. Of course I have moments that I enjoy with friends and my loved ones. obviously. but i can never escape the feeling of sadness I have about the thing that clouds my mind 100% of the time. Medicated so i'll feel better on a day to day basis but it just makes things feel unreal. Because I can't feel sadness like I did. Its good but bad all in one.
I dont want to be jealous anymore. I dont want to be bitter anymore. but most of all i dont want to be missing this important thing in my life anymore.
i'm so scared to inject crazy chemicals into my body. all the changes or side effects it can cause. weight gain, nausea , insomnia, loss or damage of an organ. potential death. pain. the stress its going to put on my marriage and friendships. and the insane cost. the cost we can't afford whatsoever. but i can't even say i care because its nothing compared to what i want. it will make the pain so much harder to ignore. i'm so sick of taking medications . i'm so sick of appointments. insurance company calls. a surgery. prayers. what more can i put into this. i really truly don't know. i've tried praying to God every day several times a day, i've tried saying fuck it and screw you God you don't want to give me the thing I've wanted most in my life since I was literally 2 years old. anyone who knows me would know what I want more than anything. You know that when I was 4, when I was 11, when I was 14...what did i love? what did i want? did i want a fancy career? a big degree? money? fuck no. you know what i want.
but to reiterate- thank you again to my friend who understands,listens, is so supportive and always says the right thing.
also thank you to the other people in my life who care as well. please know i appreciate more than i could ever tell you.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2011 31 October :: 7.35pm
who would have thought i would have to do what i'm about to do? its so not fair. if it doesn't work i wont be able to keep this stupid positive attitude anymore.............. but yet i wont be able to stop trying........................super.
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phil-himself
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2011 28 October :: 11.30am
yeah you're life's hard, tough shit, there's 7 billion people in this world and you think your issues are tough
first world problems
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phil-himself
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2011 20 October :: 7.02pm
And it's gonna be hell to pay.
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gillette
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2011 19 October :: 2.52pm
Ok, so I've decided to post my essay for the class I'm applying for..right now it's disjointed and it doesn't flow well. I can only have 300 words..which it is right now. I have the part in there about my dad (my adviser told me to def. include that part since I got an E and W's the previous semesters..so that part I can't really delete) Here's the prompt:
"The essay should be reflective of your academic and clinical experiences through observations and what you have learned as it relates to characteristics/skills of a "good" student clinician."
Right now it's a rough draft..very rough..but I wanted to get something down on the page as a starting point. Any feedback at all would be helpful b/c I'm kind of 'stuck.' Thanks!!
--My mantra in life is, "Never give up." I feel a good clinician is someone who is innovative and determined to never give up on finding an answer for their client or any problem they face, if you can't find an answer-figure it out. I apply this outlook to everything I do in life. Over the past year, I have overcome many obstacles that have made me realize how passionate I am about Speech-Language Pathology.
The previous year has proven difficult for me academically. My dad was admitted to the hospital last fall with swelling on his brain and diagnosed with Wernicke's encephalopathy. As his conditioned worsened, I moved home to help care for him. Over time, I realized that although I loved my dad, I couldn't give up on my dream of becoming an SLP. So, I'm back 100% this semester and striving to achieve the excellent academic status I had prior to this year. My major GPA was a 3.9 and my overall GPA was a 3.88. I believe this experience has made me stronger and more determined to accomplish my goals. I also believe it will help me to empathize and relate to families who have a loved one with a communication disorder because I understand how truly devastating it can be.
Through academic experiences such as volunteering as a tutor for CDO 335, ASHA conventions and working with Dr. Sturm at sites for her research project and clinical experiences in 494, I believe I have what it takes to be a good clinician. I don't let barriers stand in my way, I find a different way. I have also worked as a Customer Service Representative for 3 years and I feel these skills will help me to interact with my clients and turn negative situations into positive ones.--
It's due next week so I have a little bit to fix it up :/
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phil-himself
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2011 13 October :: 11.29pm
I have conversations with Nathan sometimes, they are pleasant. We talk about our lives and the world.
1 think they know |
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