Upchuck
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2004 29 May :: 12.45am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Blurry" - Puddle of Mudd
Four days of this; Now I feel better
Life just sucks sometimes.
I'm alone again. Long story short, well neither really. It is a nor a long or short story. No story really. I suppose there will be one over the next few days as I try to hash out my emotions here, but eventually it should all get told.
I have to apologize to Connie first. Dear, I'm sorry. I made the wrong decision. While I didn't see what I saw with her, I'm sorry it happened the way it did. Hindsight is 20/20. Do I regret it? Not really, but I'm sorry how I handled the situation.
I'm very tired and very pissed. I got so pissed over the past four days that I forgot why I was pissed. I remembered that I was, and who at, just not why. Then I thought, oh good, I don't remember, maybe everything will be okay. Nope. Walked in tonight and it was the same old shit. Oh well, fuck it. I swear, if Darren hadn't been drunk I so would have hit him tonight. He's a nice guy, but he was messing around with her before we talked. That is fucked up, you don't mess with that. I'm sorry.
Well, I'm going to go ball my eyes out now and sleep. Two things that I've felt like doing for days. Have a nice night.
Kiss My Ass
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danibean
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2004 23 May :: 9.34pm
:: Mood: satisfied
i haven't talked to his mom in sooo long...she just picked up the phone and started talking to me. i loved it so much. and he wasn't even home. i can't wait to see him. it's such an amazing feeling when you know you're still madly in love with someone after not seeing them for 2 years. and i think his mom knows too. that's why she talked to me. she knows. he feels it too. ahh..happy day.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 22 May :: 12.40am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Crazy On You" Heart
You never know when you could explode
I just feel like do something. Anything to relieve this anger I feel. It's just anger, pure anger and I do not know what causes it. I'm pissed because I can't get a hold of KIM and I really wanted to spend time with her tonight. Then I'm pissed that the thoughts keep creeping in. It makes me angry and I know if I were to give into it I would scare myself. If I could only do something.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 21 May :: 3.27pm
:: Mood: grumpy
:: Music: Michelle Branch and Santana "Game of Love"
Yesterday
I was grumpy yesterday, and I am today. For many reasons, none of them too important.
Things at work aren't going the way I'd like. I need a new job, but I just feel incapable of getting to a better one.
I've wanted to get the grass cut up at the lake, but the stupid rain. I didn't get to it until Monday this week, and then again today. I sat around all day yesterday waiting for it to dry out.
I wrote an article for the Post about the softball sweep of EGR Wednesday. We're doing good this season. I'm still mad about the rain. We were supposed to play Lowell last Friday, but had to rescedule for today, then cancel and reschedule for Monday. We're 17-10. All I know is that I'm going to cry when this season ends because it's been such a good one.
Things in a ceratin part of my life are going well. Well as I could guess they should be. She's hard to read, and with my pension for making a mountain out of a mole hill, things can get dicey. I can't help but wonder sometimes if previous relationships have irreversibly damaged me. Well, no, I can't help but wonder and worry anyways. Calm down, breathe. Everything will be okay. Breathe. Romance may not be my ticket, but who knows what the future holds.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 14 May :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: pathetic
:: Music: "Keep On The Sunnyside" The White Family Hoedown
Falling
This is getting almost riduculous. You can all call me crodgy and horrible but I hate falling for someone. I hate seeing people who are in love and I hate doing it myself. Things just get weird, and you do stupid things. And you begin to worry about stupid stuff, like what if she reads this?
What I really mean is, is that it's great. Being stupid is great. No, that's not what I'm saying.
As much of a hopeless romantic that I tend to be I always find the act of falling for someone quite distasteful. I mean, nothing should have the power to pull you out of a bad mood instantly. It's getting almost comical for me though.
She wasn't even there today. Physically, she was not even close to me, but she was still able to brighten my day. It sucks! I like being in a bad mood. All I had to do was see her name when I put chili's on the stove today, and it was like an instantaneous smile. I swear, if someone had been with me in the cooler when I saw thos today they would have thought I was absolutely going insane. Well, they think that anyway, not much I can do about that I guess. It's just ridiculous. I wish there were a way just to skip this part of it all and get into the steady type.
Not to say I'm totally lost yet. I know I'm falling for her. While I'm not quite sure why I hate it so much, I don't think I would prefer something else. Whether I keep falling is another question. I haven't quite hit the point where I feel like I could say that too her, but if this keeps up then, it's going to happen.
Kiss My Ass
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danibean
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2004 9 May :: 10.44pm
tears have been rolling all weekend
i did get a hug from a happy person today though and that made me feel a little better.
i don't want to sleep
i just want to get to know you.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 7 May :: 1.01pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: "Livin' On a Prayer" Bon Jovi
Really Really Really tired
It just keeps getting better. Six straight nights we've spent time together and I didn't think that was possible. Going for seven tonight and then we'll end our streak on Saturday, guaranteed. No body wants to know what's been going on. Well, I think the only one that does is Connie. Last Saturday night was odd. Of course, the last week has been odd in itself.
For all of you who are out there wondering, which probably isn't many of you, we're taking this slow. I don't want to mess anything up. I've learned my lesson. Take things slow and it reduces the chance of making a mistake. And I really don't want to mess this up.
And I think really what is making me tired is the fact that I am not sure when I'm going to sleep again. I know I definitely will after I get out of work Saturday night (Sunday morning) but in between now and that time I have no idea. This could get slightly interesting. You all think I'm strange now, wait until I don't sleep. Of course then again, I may be fine. Who knows?
1 Kiss Ass |
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danibean
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2004 5 May :: 11.23pm
:: Mood: annoyed
right about now is the time where i say...screw this shit...and i should just throw in the towel. i really could care less. i'm so opiniated right now. i just want to throw something. who to blame? the program? i'm guessing, yes, that and the students. it's all just a joke. if i were somewhere else, i know it would be different. and yet, i make it worse for myself by spending huge sums of $$ over the summer just to fufill myself. and it works, until about now where it wears off. summer wore off at the end of marching season and now grand valley is wearing off nowish. i could just skip the rest of the year and be really happy. i feel so strongly about it right now, and i know i always feel this way, just not this stongly. what would happen if i quit? could i still pursue my dreams and goals. i know i would piss a lot of people off and let a lot of people down, but shit, who am i doing this for??? me, or other people. i need to be like brent, and start doing this for me and not for everyone else in this world. i care too damn much for everyone else's stupid ass feelings. i want to scream at the top of my lungs right this very moment. i shall refrain. sick sick sick sick sick. but whatever, we'll see what happens. i need to not think. and i need to cut my diet in half so i'm not a freaking cow-a-bunga chick for summer. shit.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 3 May :: 11.48am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: "Freshman" the Verve
This sucks
I've been wanting this for so long, and now that it finally has happened it's really messing with my head. All day yesterday I kept thinking, no, I kept worrying. I was so scared. What if I screw this up? I really put a lot of pressure on myself. But then I saw her last night and that all went away. That's what led me to what I was saying to Jeanne:
You can't change the past because it has already happened. You can't change the future because it hasn't happened yet. You can only do something about the present and that is all that matters.
On the other hand, I do have to say how much last night made me realize how great my parents are. For trusting me, for not treating me like shit.How good they were to raise me when I was young to be the person I am today so they can trust me and not have to treat me like shit. Mom and Dad, I love you.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 28 April :: 8.14am
I'm Happy Now
HST-203- SWS WORLD HST TO 1500 A
HST-204- SWS WORLD HST SINCE 1500 A-
PLS-313- INTERNTL ORGANIZATION B-
PLS-327- POL DEVELOPING COUNTRIES B+
PLS-340- AMER POL & MASS MEDIA B
3 Kiss Asses |
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Upchuck
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2004 21 April :: 1.05pm
Well I just googled myself. Yeah.
Well, it turns out someone with the exact same name as I have, middle initial and all, was killed on February 17, 1951 in Korea. Yeah, I'm dead.
There are two engineering professors with the same name as me.
One web designer with the same name.
One art student who likes to draw anime.
One dead guy who is famous for something but I can't figure out what. He's in a museum and has a race named after him (must be in the south). So that is the results of me googling myself.
3 Kiss Asses |
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Upchuck
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2004 18 April :: 6.41pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Kryptonite" - 3 Doors Down
There's a First time for everything
I guess last night was one of those nights.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 18 April :: 5.59pm
:: Mood: Buddha Buddha
:: Music: "Help Pour Out the Rain" - Buddy Jewel
I think it's gonna rain
I just checked my "Body Mass Index." By qualifying standards I am obese. However, I have a problem with this. I mean there is no doubt that I could be slimmer, much slimmer, but not to the point that these health nuts think I should be. They say my ideal weight is between 122 and 164 pounds. There is no way I could even get down to the high limit, let alone the low limit.
Kiss My Ass
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Upchuck
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2004 16 April :: 9.27am
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: "Track 4" - All; I think it's Pirates of the Carribean that my sister was listening to
Dream
I had a very strange dream last night. I'm not sure what it means. It had religious overtones so I'm not exactly sure where it came from either. It was very strange and I'm not sure what it means.
Kiss My Ass
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danibean
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2004 15 April :: 9.31pm
:: Mood: happy
Hey guys. Anyone who lives in the Cedar area and is my friend, I'm having a bon fire tomorrow night at 8:30. Call me if you need directions. You have my number.
5 Kiss Asses |
Kiss My Ass
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