My Bitching Grounds

:: 2002 8 October :: 9.52pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: incubus- i miss you

where should i start? can my life get any more crappy???? if you answered no to the previous question, you are absolutly correct. lets see, i'm starting to figure out that long distance relationships are harder than i thought. kaly was right when she said they are the hardest thing you will go through. it's been pretty easy up until about now. i guess up until one of your best friends gets really upset with you and stops talking to you. that's double hard. i suppose we can add my freaking busy schedule on to the pile and make things triple hard. quadruple hard if you add algebra 2 being a stupid, hard class. so i guess this is a hard time in my life. i'm thinking about how my life was at this time last year. i was so happy and i was lovin it. life seemed so fresh and new then. the beginning of a new chapter in my life, high school. new friends, new school, new classes, new music, new attitude, new everything. now, life feels so stale. i've been the same person for a year now. i've had most of the same friends for about a year now. i've had the same school for a year now. the weekly schedule of band, lessons, pit, nothing, football, compitition, church gets really old. one thing per day of course. i really need some kind of refreshment here. maybe that's why i want to get out so bad. things are so BORING! wow! that's it!!!! that's it, i want to be with ryan so much because he's new and fun! ha! i have it! but now that i have things figured out, there is no way i can be with ryan. none. THERE IS NO WAY I CAN BE WITH RYAN. i'm not into thinking things are impossible, and tecnically this isn't, but it's pretty close to impossible. and in reality, it is. i hate this!!!!!!!!!!! ugh!!! no one can make me feel better. no one but ryan. wow... i can't explain how i feel. it's such an amount that i can't even imagine. i can remember how i felt. the only place i want to be and the only place i belong is in ryan's arms.

4 Kiss Asses | Kiss My Ass

:: 2002 8 October :: 4.07pm

Everyday goes by we become older. We all become what we hate, what we fear, what we respect. Everyday we learn something new, even if its only the fact that we still have a lot to learn. We take time for granted, but doesn't time take us for granted too?

:: 2002 7 October :: 9.13am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: "Landslide" Dixie Chicks

So I'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing. My nine am history class got cancelled today because the prof was sick. It really sucks too because we were suppossed to get our papers back today and go over what's going to be in the mid-term Friday.

Is it just me or have most of the things that have been wrong lately are all the sudden going right. There's no more mystery about Shari or Jessa being mad at me so that makes things a whole ton easier. Now I'm just waiting to be on at the same time Jessa is (if my stupid msn messenger starts working again), get am email from Shari (hint, hint), still waiting for "the" email frome Brianna, and I need to pray for Crystal. But despite all of this, I still have found no one in college to really hang out with. It sucks not having any friends here except in band. Everyone knows how crazy I am about music and how it makes me do wierd things so they only see that side of me. Hopefully we go on another away trip so we can stay up til all hours in the morning talking again. Oh well. The bonds to home are always strengthening.

1 Kiss Ass | Kiss My Ass

:: 2002 6 October :: 11.35am
:: Mood: nkghdvcjgt

yep... the only person that i want to be with is ryan right now. i wish i could just run away with him and never return. i miss him so much. it hurts to think 42 day's till i MIGHT see him. that's not even for sure yet. and it's like when we see each other it's not for very long, woo... one whole day. i guess it's better than nothing. i think i'm so ungrateful sometimes. so yeah, yesterday was alright. i won't say anything else because alot of it sucked. i did see matt booth at powder puff though. that made me really happy. and yesterday ryan called me but as usual, we got dissconnected because his phone battery died at 12:15 a.m. well yeah, i have to go to confermation class in a few minutes. later

:: 2002 4 October :: 11.01pm

:: 2002 4 October :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: tired, and i have a tummy ache...also i'm kind of
:: Music: marching songs stuck in my head...ugh

depite everything, the football team won....thus we'll be marching longer...woo!!
heh...i said the word thus. thus happens to rhyme with LUSS! hahah! i didn't feel like going to the dance. i was tired, cold and my feet hurt from stupid marching band, even though i don't march. something smells funny down here...ick. tomorrow is going to be so crazy. and i have flute ensemble tomorrow...but i love it...i especially love playing alto. wow...it's soooo cool!!! i'm talking to one of my friends from camp and that's what we are talking about (camp) and ahhhhh....i miss it sooooo much. we're kinda talkin about ryan too..and wowzers.... i miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!!! it isn't fair!!!!!!!! not at all!!!!! grrrrr!!! ok.... i'm really tired so i think i'm going to hit the sack. oh! if you're going to powder puff tomorrow night, stop by and see me and gunnie at the yearbook table!!!! you'll be sure to get a smile!! happy red flannel day!!!! gnasd :)

:: 2002 2 October :: 5.32pm
:: Mood: um.... ok
:: Music: the get up kids- out of reach

this is a pretty song... and just to let everyone who i know doesn't give a flying fig but i don't care, because it's MY journal.. that if ryan and i both make it into the CMU honers band, we'll get to see each other in 45 days. which is a long time from now, but it's worth it i guess. wooo... ok..time for pit..my favorite thing.. righhhhht... later :)

5 Kiss Asses | Kiss My Ass

:: 2002 1 October :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: ben folds- hero's song

"i don't wanna grow old .. won't you let me, won't you let me explode?"
this song is fun to jam to. every lesson i get closer to making it into CMU's honers band. and that's one step closer to seeing ryan. by the way...i miss ryan. it's been a month and 1 day since i've seen him. that's a long time...and he hasn't been online latley so i haven't been able to talk to him. i could call him, but i never know if he's home or not. :( life will get better and things could be worse. i'm pretty tired... and i kinda want to wind down on my piano for a while. sooo... good night and sweet dreams will fill your head.
ps. don't you think it's weird that i wake up in the middle of the night when i drop jarvis on the floor?? (jarvis is the stuffed animal ryan gave me)... crazy :)

:: 2002 30 September :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: sad, tired and hungry
:: Music: pit music stuck in my head from marching band

wow... i get home and to my suprise my cousin and uncle aren't here like they were supposed to be. i find out that they aren't here because my grandpa is in the hospital again. this is extremley sad for me because this is the 4th time he's been in the hospital in like a year. he's so old and i don't know how much longer he's going to make it. please, will you all pray for my grandpa and our family? it would bring comfort to us all. anyways, we're supposed to get an update phone call at 10 so i gotta go. good night.

1 Kiss Ass | Kiss My Ass

:: 2002 30 September :: 11.37am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "John Jay Blanchard" Anthony Smith

And to add to the curiousness......
Friends seem to be more than friends, and other friends seem to be less so. Ties that were there are weakened and severed, but strengthened again. Life when it is bleak, now is so bright and full. And love by any name, if it is love, is still the same. The sole act of love keeps us from heaven, but also saves us from hell. Those who remain anonymous, have no voice, yet can be heard. History repeats itself, but life changes everyday.

2 Kiss Asses | Kiss My Ass

:: 2002 28 September :: 5.35pm
:: Mood: in pain... and it's not emotional!!!!

yeah... so i've been having daily headaches every day for about 2 weeks now. today's has been ever since i woke up this morning. it's been really bad too. the asprin i took about an hour ago hasn't kicked in yet or something. well, today was fun. i went with jenna and her family and their model a car club to the orchard and to the minature train station. now i'm getting ready for the pagent with beans. fun fun fun. just think, next year i'm going to be the one up there giving my speech and strutting around stage. whoa...the time has gone by. last night was a blast too. let it be known that unorganized pep banding, band wars, and unoffical fundraising is the best way to spend a friday night. i won't go into detail because too much went on, but if you ask me, i bet i can muster up a story to tell you. actually, ask me about unofficial, unorganized fundraising. that's a riot. especially when you actually make $1.75 for the boosters. wooo!!! anyways, yeah... i gotta go finish getting ready. have fun tonight kids. :)

4 Kiss Asses | Kiss My Ass

:: 2002 25 September :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: um....i don't know right now
:: Music: john mayer- comfortable

wow...it seems like everyone is so bogged down with trubles right now. it makes me realize that i don't have it so bad after all. things could be worse. but i think in most situations, things could be worse. for anyone who is having a hard time, or is having a bad day or needs someone to talk to or needs some advice or whatever, just remember i'm here for all of you!!! no matter what the subject is, most likley i'll listen. i might have some advice on it, i might not, but either way... for me anyways, it feels better to get things off your chest. so yeah... and i love you guys to the max. my little family :) ...you know who you are...

:: 2002 25 September :: 7.02pm

Do you think I am doing this from afar? Criticizing your life as if it had not bearring on me?

If you think that you are saddly mistaken. I care so much if fucking hurts. It hurts so bad, I can't hold back the tears for you. Don't you understand what you do to me, the pain you cause. I don't know how you can think that your lives don't affect the rest of us.