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2005 16 September :: 6.31pm
Eating blueberry pancakes at 1am at IHOP. With a computer genious.
Not getting hime until 6am, and still being sober.
Staying up for another 2 hours because I was wired on cold medicine.
Realizing I just spent seven hours talking to someone who I never talked to in high school.
Good times.
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2005 15 September :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: snotty
Jurchen
Well we covered the Manchu conquest of China tonight. For some reason the names just sound so elegant to me. Especially when Professor Shan pronounces them with the correct accent. Jurchen, Manchu, Li Zhicheng.
I just thought I'd throw this in there because it's a realization that I've come to over the past few weeks. From about the middle part of June until August I was pretty depressed. I'm not talking like, hang my head low depressed. I'm talking a serious depression. Not suicidal, but severe. Times when I didn't even want to get out of bed, and I didn't. But that time is over now. I wake up and get out of bed and look forward to each new day.
And I just got done talking to Jessa. I didn't get a chance to say good bye because she had to put Clem to sleep. It's kind of weird that I find myself in the position of encouragement. I haven't been there in a long time. Mostly because I haven't felt like I have any standing to provide encouragement. It's definitely beginning to feel like there's more confidence coming in my faith.
Oh, and I was told last night that my entries leave a lot of questions in peoples' minds after their done reading them. Is this true?
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2005 12 September :: 8.49pm
So I'm looking to achieve some clarity in life. But I'm going to study and think tonight and forget about everything tomorrow and enjoy myself.
Tomorrow I've got class all day tomorrow and I think I'm going to stick around campus for Young Life. Time to capitalize on all that uncomfortableness (is that even a word) you feel when you meet a bunch of people for the first time.
So I guess I'm just going to have to pray for some clarity. So much stuf going on that I need to "think" about. That seems to have been the theme of the last week.
You know, I'm really beginning to wonder if what happened that night was just a one time thing, or if she really meant that things that she said. I shouldn't have gotten up and left when I woke up at six, but I had to, I guess. Like I was thinking real clearly that whole night. That way I would know how to get in touch with her.
I've got some thinking to do about the band too. We're going to be on TV this weekend. No Cover TV, on public access.
And on top of all that. Bill and Nita were both at work today and they really want me to go back to being a manager. They even said that I can work as little as ten hours a week. It all sounds good, but I'm really afraid that it's going to stop me from what I really want. Not that I know what I really want. I'm just worried that there's going to be a lot of bitching, from one person in particular. Because I'll be able to choose my schedule. Plus, the reason I quit in the first place was that I didn't feel like I was pulling my weight. Which, they all assure me that I was, and I'm convinced that I was, I guess I knew at the time I was, but I was really weighted down with the perception of who I should be at this age.
I don't know. I'll just hope I get some clarity and all this will work out.
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2005 8 September :: 5.37pm
What strikes me completely odd is that people have no recognition for what is truly beautiful. If we all just stopped a few times a day and recognized the beauty of anything at all, I think we would all lead much happier lives.
And there is my bit of wisdom for today.
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2005 8 September :: 12.21am
:: Music: "The Happy Song" - The Nixons
Damn Poo Flingers
Damn Poo Flingers
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2005 7 September :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: "Everything You Want" -Vertical Horizon
The possibility that people who don't really know me well enough could be reading this journal.
That thought never even crossed my mind until a few months ago. But I do have to accept the fact that this may be the case. Perhaps people who I desire to make a good impression on could be reading this through multiple sources, although the link I have on facebook is what I am most concerned about.
You see, one of the people I met on the canoe trip just added me as a friend. And since the canoe trip was affiliated with Campus Ministry, and since my recent entries have included some, how shall we say, seedy things, it is time to think about these things.
Liz thought she was seeing a different side of me and she was right. That is a completely different side of me that never popped it's ugly head up until last February. Do I like it? I'm not sure yet. Really it's become a socializing method for me. And for anyone that might be concerned, I have gotten drunk enough to do some stupid stuff, but I have stuck to my guns. I haven't drank to the point of sickness, don't want to.
But anyways, yeah, okay. I want people to see the first side of me. I don't want people to see the different side of me because that very rarely has been me (although I do have to admit that the people who have met me the first time on that side of me are not the type of people that I'm looking for anything deep with). Does this make any sense at all?
I'm not sure. But there is a little insecurity inside me saying, "you are a bad person for what you do." It's not because it's a bad thing, but because people think it is.
Okay, this is getting to sound way too much like an addict defending their addiction. And since none of you have actually seen me in the aforementioned state, it doesn't matter. Of course, this could all be a little story about a boy who is struggling with this and has absolutely no basis in reality. I've been known to make things up from time to time. Perhaps to teach you kiddies a lesson so you will mend your evil ways.
Speaking of kiddies. I don't think there is a single person left on my friends list, except my sister, who is still in high school.
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2005 6 September :: 7.12pm
You know, I post all these love entries, all these things that are so deep. But those don't get any response. BUt I post something like "hey I got drunk and did something stupid" and I get a response. heh.
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2005 5 September :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: "The Remedy"- Jason Mraz
Drunk
So, perhaps I got drunk.
And perhaps I did something that I shouldn't be too proud of.
But for some reason it isn't affecting my the way I thought it would. Really, it's not anything serious, it's probably something that any natural human being could do and not look back on one bit. But you all know me, and you all know that I hold myself to ridculously high standards sometimes. And maybe this is my chance to be normal. I don't feel like I would think that I would typically. Perhaps it was because I was drunk and it is all so hazy, or perhaps I just don't care anymore.
Tomorrow should tell me if this has given me any confidenc boost. It should, it should really help me to get back into the swing of things.
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2005 2 September :: 11.00pm
Right on 11pm, how 'bout that.
Anyways, Forrest Gump is on TV tonight. I think it is my most favorite movie of all time. I know a lot of people are into the indie films and other "deep" and "artistic" movies, but I can't think of a better one than Forrest Gump. I wonder sometimes if it's just me. Everytime I see that movie, and even right now, listening to the feather theme, I cry. Every single time.
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2005 31 August :: 10.31pm
:: Music: "I Feel Fine" - REM
It's the End of the World
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
That seems to have a certain ring to it today, don't you think?
It seems to be a benchmark day in American History. I will remember this day for a long time, as I'm sure you all will too. The day it broke $3. The time it jumped almost a dollar in a day. Yeah, $2.54-$3.48, and for no damn good reason. Yes, I understand hurricane.
Look, I think I'm needing to give a history lesson just so everyone understands the ramifications of it all. Understand, things like this have occurred before.
If you look at what politicians have said today about gas prices. "It's a self-regulating industry" "leave it alone, it will level out;" those are the same thing the people in the Hoover Administration said. That type of laissez faire attitude is what lead this country into the Great Depression.
Honestly, I would like a politician to stand up and say enough is enough. To tell big oil that they can't make their millions on the backs of honest people. Now, do I expect this to happen? No, because most politicians, on either side of the isle, are in the pockets of the oil industry. They finance their campaigns. But I tell you what, any politician that was willing to stand up and give a plan at how to revitalize this country, I'd vote for them. I think John Edwards was onto something in his last campaign. Something has to be done, or else America won't be America for long.
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2005 30 August :: 4.53pm
So, first day of class today.
Really, it feels so good to be back in the classroom. It always seems that at the begining of the semester there is a fresh optimism.
Went to the CPR last night and had a great time. Really, I want to get involved as much as I possibly can. Maybe that's stupid now, because, of course, as everyone has seen, because it's such a long drive, but hey, I think it might be worth it.
So I have some classes with some people I know. All from strange places though.
So, I was sitting outside my Russian Thought class and my worst fears were realized. This kid, wearing all black reading a book. I swear, it's like all Russian Studies people are like this. I think those people are like the dark hidden side of the history/language departments. They are all really strange. Not that I can't blame them. After spending even one semester studying Russian thought I'm guessing that I might sympathize with them a little. It's almost scary. Because if I had to put of with a year, let alone four or five, of everything Russian, I'd be like that too. It just seems that all Russian things that I have been exposed to are so fixated on death. Almost like they have the approach of "We're all going to die, so let's speed it up and drink some more vodka." See I prefer the stereotype of Latin America, which is "We're all going to die, but if we repent for our sins, we can party and make the best of the time we are here." I much prefer that.
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2005 27 August :: 11.34am
Perhaps it's time to ressurect something. See, all the thinking about the past before Kim, and how life was actually pretty good, has driven me to go back and look at my entries from that period. I came across this poem, which Shari said, at the time, was one of the most beautiful things I had ever written. Maybe she really did see my soul.
To My Darling
Your eyes glow brighter than the light of a thousand stars.
Your hair shimmers like a still lake in a beauteous sunset.
You skin is as soft as the finest silk made in a foreign land.
If given the chance I would worship you.
I would fall upon my hands and wash your feet.
I would serve you and follow all of your commands.
I would be only so lucky to taste your sweet nectar of life.
And if only for a short time I were to give in to my desire,
I would lose everything that I have worked for.
Why He would give me a desire like this, I will never know.
If it is only for me to desire Him, in the same way I desire you so.
It wasn't about her, and frankly, I don't remember who it was about, if it was about anyone at all.
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2005 27 August :: 10.43am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: "Hey Pretty" - Poe
The Past, Present, and Future
Yesterday was something else entirely.
It marked my entrance back into the workforce, which felt good. It also led me to relive the past.
With what has been going on in my life lately, you might think that that isn't a good thing, but I do. Because the past I was reliving was the past of two, three, even four years ago, not the hellish roller coaster ride of the last year and half.
I went back to work and it was like I didn't miss a single beat. I nailed everything on the head. It was kind of depressing, the fact that everyone seems to hate their job so much. It's almost like it is all a chore. Not something that I saw before, because I almost felt that way. But I have the advantage of perspective now. I've seen the light. I am no longer scared that that is the place that I am going to get stuck. I've been to what I percieve to be the top, and it wasn't that interesting. I just hope my approach will help Denise out, because I don't want her losing it.
I also went to the football game last night. Got to play some tuba. My chops aren't what they used to be, but they still work. I swear, it took five years to get up to a high B-flat, and now, I haven't played regularly in more than three years, I can still get up to it, and on a sousaphone no less (not that this means anything to any of you). Kara Stermin was also there. I haven't seen her since we gradutated. It is just one of those things where you don't even realized that someone is missing until you see them again. No matter how introverted I was, and how much at the time I hated the way that my personal life was going, I always had something in high school. I always had a way to restore my self-confidence. That's something that has been severely lacking the last few months.
And for Brianna; I tried four different numbers that I thought could be the number that Lori gave me. None of them worked. See, I finally did it.
That brings me to another note, it's about all the girls over the years that I have had crushes on. I don't know if this is a typical guy thing, but I find myself having had feelings and building a girl up to such an extent that I find it hard to approach them. With Lori that was true, and it took me getting drunk to do anything about it. With others, it's not that easy. I had one of those experiences last night. I almost had the same feeling that I had the first time she left, and I spend multitudes amount of time explaining her behavior away, because I want so badly for some kind of sign. But it's not there,, and if any of them ever found out, I would be completely embarassed.
It did happen once in high school. With Brenda. That was not of my doing though, and then it even took me a whole week to say anything to her. That was beyond anything that I think I ever experienced.
Just as a note. There is no regret to any of this. This is me lucidly analyzing the last 36 hours.
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2005 26 August :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: excited
YAY!! I'm at CMU finally!!! question: my internet works, and so does msn messenger....but i can't get aol messenger to work.. it's very frusturating....does anyone know what i can do to get it to work??? anyways, let me know!! having a blast!!
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2005 21 August :: 12.29am
This thing just keeps getting uglier and uglier. I could be talking about multiple things in my life right now, with that statement I guess. But I'll stick to politics for now.
This is great. You know, the whole Iraq thing. See, I will admit that I was part of the silent majority who believed that it probably was a good idea to change the regime in Iraq. Getting rid of Saddam was a noble goal, and it was accomplished. I also thought that it was sheer brilliance (absolutely no sarcasm here, really) to give the terrorists an active front in their own backyard. You see, if the terrorists were busy in a place like Iraq, they wouldn't be able to export terror internationally because all their resources would be tied up there.
But now. Regime change is not going so well. We are replacing a moderate (in terms of the Foxnews term "Islamofacism") non-democratic regime under Saddam, into an Islamic democracy ruled by clerics. Our representatives at the Iraqi Constitutional assembly have agreed to let Iraq be an Islamic state. They have agreed to change the status of Islamic Law in relation to secular law. Instead of the constitution saying that Islamic Law is "a" major source for secular law, we have conceded to is saying that Islamic Law is "the" major source for secular law (today's Jordan Times @ jordantimes.com). In essence, any law passed by a new government has to conform to Islam, or what the religious clerics think is Islamic Law. But, never fear, our ambassadors have worked very hard to insist on equality and women's rights. This is why I'm thankful for the class that I just got done taking. Women's rights according to Islamic Law are not equal to mens rights. The whole gender realtionship in Islam is one of complimentary roles. In Islam, every women has the right to children. A woman can divorce a man if he does not provide her with children. But women don't have the right to "rebel" (Arabic term 'nushuz') against her husband. That is women's rights under Islamic Law.
So it comes down to, who do we blame? Do we blame Bush for going in with no real plan to deal with the post-invasion scenario? Or do we blame liberals for crying foul and bitching and whining because people actually believe that going into Iraq was a good thing, thereby forcing the hand of the administration into settling for a less than reasonable compromise? I don't know. I'm tending towards option number one right now, but then again, I don't think it would take much for me to start believing number two.
And the great thing is that as my mind is being changed at this very minute, so are many other people's around the country. What to do, what to do? I have no idea, but things are conspiring and I think we are headed towards a rough patch in American history. I wouldn't say it is the downfall of our nation, but a definite rough patch. Hegemony can't last forever.
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