to day i went to the movies with kamaile and my sister, and my friend julius (boy) Julius is like one of my Best friends, and i am his best freinds, but i think i dono i really no i don't like him as like want to go out with him, but i like him more then a best friend. Me and tiana share the same problem, we are both curently going out with a boi, but we both love to flirt wit julius, but we don't want to go out wit him. Not just because we have boi friends. I hate it when tiana flirts wit j, i think im just way over pertective of him. I donot want j to get hurt. Tiana is a heart braker and i don't want j to get his heart broken. But am i just hurtting him more when im just fooling around with him. Me and julius like to play around wit each other like brother and sister but i think j dosen't feel the same way. Im confused, i don't want carmichael to hate me for this.... I don't know what i should do. I will not let jelouse get in the way of our friend ship, but i want let emotions get in our way of me and carmichaels relation ship, what can i get in the way?

to day i went to the movies with kamaile and my sister, and my friend julius (boy) Julius is like one of my Best friends, and i am his best freinds, but i think i dono i really no i don't like him as like want to go out with him, but i like him more then a best friend. Me and tiana share the same problem, we are both curently going out with a boi, but we both love to flirt wit julius, but we don't want to go out wit him. Not just because we have boi friends. I hate it when tiana flirts wit j, i think im just way over pertective of him. I donot want j to get hurt. Tiana is a heart braker and i don't want j to get his heart broken. But am i just hurtting him more when im just fooling around with him. Me and julius like to play around wit each other like brother and sister but i think j dosen't feel the same way. Im confused, i don't want carmichael to hate me for this.... I don't know what i should do. I will not let jelouse get in the way of our friend ship, but i want let emotions get in our way of me and carmichaels relation ship, what can i get in the way?

ok school sucks, it has always sucked, it will always suck, school SUCKS, ok i feel soo much better, this guy in school kepps on stocking and looking at me in class, k im not that wired am i? Sure im diffrent but geeez, don't have to rub it in!! I dono weather or not he he likes me but i sure don't like him, i have carmichael to like duhh, jace is really pushing my buttens, he trash talken my boi freind and my other friend, im going to knock him. I love carmichael, who wouldn't (alot of people) owell school sucks laters

omg the other day my head hurt like a butt! At srm i nearly died my head was like 105.6 or somthing, but i kinda refused to go home. i wanted to stay wit my freinds and my boi friend carmichael, o yah me and carmichael have been going out for about 1 month and 15 days!!!!! Im so proud of my self, i can never keep a relation ship that long. But i really thought i was going to die at srm the other day, i am not sure and when me and carmichael were sitting on the wall fence thing and i kept on looking in the coner of my eye and i think kaya was looking at us or me or carmichael or the fence was really interesting to him, but eather he was thinking get a room, whats wrong with paulina, she sucks ass y did i go out wit that whore, i don't know, but im not thrilled wit him, i really wantd to stay friends wit him, but owell his loss he's not worth crying over anymore. Nadia is such a good freind to me, im not sure how she feels about carmichael and i don't know what carmichael feels about her but owell. Every time i go to srm on wesnday it's like me and carmichaels thing to make out, i kinda think when were making out, if i am just a replace ment.... O well i'll think about that later. lateres

this really really suck i just got my cell phone taken away and the bill was like 118 $ sucks o well i can live with out it laters

omg last nite was so freeken FUN, i slept over at kamailes house and we went to the bon dance and we saw briana and haley there, then we saw Airron stoner dude got busted for bring weed to srm, but we were all hanging out and we went back to kamailes house and we were all like dancing and stuff i dirty danced wit airron he's pretty good we were all having a relly good time, it's not considered cheating on carmichael if you never relly did anything with a nother guy like macing rite? rite, so that nite was not considered cheating. laters

i went to srm on wensday, i saw of corse carmichael (boi friend) nadia (good friend) keoke (friend) Gabe (don't know relly) etc there all kool im happy wit carmichael thats all i wanted.........

dear dairy
dear dairy carmichael and i have been going out since the 23 of june, im really happy with him, all i ever wanted was to be with a guy i love and who loves me, kaya was like that but some how i knew it wouldn't last, u know y..... because to tell you the truth, it wasn't the trip at all that scraed me, it was me, i was scaring my self, i scraed my self so much that i couldn't stand having that relation ship with him anymore, that i guess caused him pain, and im sry for that, i apolagize, im sorry kaya plz for give me, but plz understand that that relation ship couldn't last for ever. When i was at camp i learned a very inportant lesson, you see the more you go out with someone, you give them apart of you, and if u keep going out with another guy/girl then when u fianly have someone to love and to be with, u have nothing more to give. The guys i used to go out with, i liked them alot, but not loved, carmichael i love and to bad i didn't relize that befor going through somany guys to get to him. Carmichael and i plan to get married when we turn 18 if I.F. be if were still together, becase im starting to get what love means, not just to make out and shit, but some one u can relly be happy with, and care for and want to spend the rest of your life with, i may be getting a head of my self there but, thats what me and carmichael want, thats what i long for. i love carmchael and he loves me, be happy for us. I also love my friends kamaile nadia sam reggie tiana kenna mason michael, little nick christan (u don;t know him) catilin briana ian and many more right now muh family muh friends and muh boi friend is all i care about........ and of cores school

i think im screwed!!!!!! To many bois to many lies, shit im screwed! I've messed wit to many guys now i can't do anything about it, mostly every boi i talk to ends up wanting to go out wih me, what the hell, what the *&^K is wrong with me why cant they just be muh friend?

i just want to truly be happy with one boi, and one boi only. But it's so hard for me not to like my other friends who are bois as well, im so confused...

to day was kool, kiki called me like at 4:30 in the moring then carmaichael called me at like 5:34 am same morning, im like why r u guys calling so early? o well carmichael is gone for a week kiki is coming back on the ninth of june. Me and kaya are better friends now, queer says were now freinds with benafits. lol thats kool, one step at a time right? Its like starting over, who knows maybe were going to go out again. Problem is carmichael wanted me to go out with him when i came back, but i really like kaya so i dono what i am going to do, so confused, to confused, but me and kiki are still good friends. Maybe i sholdn't go out with anyone for a while, i might hurt them. Well love you guys later

i really hate my self, i hate everything about me, i hate me i want to die, it's all my falt, it's all my falt, y me? y dose this always happen to me, it's all my falt, i can't take it back i can't take it back, i want to take everything back, i can't take it back, i hate my self i want to die, im so confused about my life, i am so confused, y me, this is to much, i want my friends, were are they, i can't see them, there not here, where are they i can't see strate, all there i see is black, i can't see, im confused, im alone, i hate being alone, but maybe i should, i don't want to hurt anyone anymore, im so confused, whats going to happen to me, i can't cut my self anymore, to many scars no more blood, starvation is the key, maybe that will help me nothing can fill the hole in my stomok so y bother eating, i want my life back, i want kaya back, i want kiki back i don't want carmichael to hate me, but how? this is all to much im so depressed and lost i can't breath, it's so hard to think. my heart is being torn, stop it get out of my head, go away i can't take it anymore, no more lies no more, just make it go away plz, just leave me alone, it's all my falt, it's all my falt, i can't take it back, it's all my falt. Im alone, no one is near me, no one can here me cry, i need my friends. why is this happening plz some one help me, i am so confused i want to be in kayas arms but he dose not love me anymore, i know y, it's all my falt, i want to die, carmicheal, im sry, im sry kiki, im sry kaya. Im so confused, kaya help me, just help me kaya plz tell me thing everything is going to be alright, im falling apart, im hurting so much inside, u cant under stand how much this hurts, my head it hurts, my heart it's torn, my eyes there filled with salt water tears, my arm hurts my stumock is growling, it's al to much, i want to curl in t a ball just to make everything go away, some one help me, im lost, im confsued....... and for once in my life........... im scared!!! im scared, i can't take it anymore. I need to eat somthing but y bother, it wont help me, i need to see my blood, but y bother cutting? it only causes pain, y me, i can't stand it anymore. DAMIT..... im so confused where am i, who am i, what have i done? it's all my falt, it's all my falt, nothing i can do to change the past, it's all my falt!!!!!!!

Im kinda sad right now, i just broke with kaya, it's not him, or my friends telling me to brake with him or carmichael, or kamaie it's me and my trip to alaska i have to go to alaska for this youth exstange i really kinda don't want to go but my people already payed for it. I can't stand to be a way from my bf for more then like 3 weeks thats how long i think i will be gone. Even if it wasn't kaya i was going out with i would still just ask to be freinds with him, to be honest perfectly honest i can't trust my self i truly can't. I am a major flirt and i can't really control it, only if my bf is with me. Im sry kaya if i have hurt you in anyway im really sry but plz understand that it had nothing to do with anyone but me, i made the mistake by wanting to go out with you befor my trip but you said your self you were lonely and depressed i thought if you might wanted to go out then you would be more happy, and it did make you happy, and i truly liked you really i did, but for lets just be friends really good friends i love you soo much kaya just i need time. sry

THANKS
THANKS NADIA FOR PUTTING TO GETHER MY PIC THING LOVE YOU

once again i am alone, my heart has been broken, no discution about that, the love of my life is gone now, away never to return to my heart now, i feel so shity i just want to die, no meaning to this world not at this time, the world is spining in my mind fater and faster theres not much time, the blade draws close to my wrist, im not afraid of blood be for i push it in to me i think of..... of.... my friends