Yesterday… I went and visited Dave & Jana. Saw the kid, pretty well behaved, mostly quiet. Then went and saw Mystic River with Jason. Decent movie. Not quite what I was expecting, but still good. Then there was the run to Perkins, felt sort of like I was in the dorms again, weird. Fell asleep in Jason’s bed. I feel sort of bad; he’s in there sleeping on the couch.

I got a hold of Mel after work last night. We ended up going to see Matrix 3 and then eating at Taco Bell. It was extremely nice to get out. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to completely ignore my problems. We vented to each other during our dinner, which was a nice change. I can’t believe that it had been almost three months since I last saw her.

My roommates are complete sluts. A guy that slept with Jay on Thursday slept with josh on Friday. It might be less disturbing if they believed in using condoms. I vented with Jess at work about this. At some point during the conversation she said that I was the only abnormal one in the house. She meant it in a good way, but it also disturbed me. Why is the gay stereotype so true? Why are all these guys complete sluts? And then they complain that they’re being judged on the stereotypes. If you are the stereotype, why complain, change yourself.

My fucking parking spot was taken. GRR. So I’m parked in front of the neighbor’s house. I think it’s Louie’s car, the kid that Jay brought home tonight. I drove him home because he was drunk, and seemed really nice. He actually tried to turn down the ride when Jay asked me, so he scored a few points there. Talked with him on the ride, screwed up kid, but the most down to earth one I’ve met in a while.

That’s all for tonight, I’m too tired to think anymore.

So, here I am. My wireless card died in my computer. I went to Circuit City to exchange it, but since it was past 14 days it was not allowed. So I came back home and called the manufacturer. They confirmed that it was indeed dead, and gave me an RMA number. So I shipped that back, but I first had to stop at CC again to get an authorized copy of a receipt. So I am now without Internet or a printer.

Katie came over yesterday; she was having a pretty bad day. The neighbor’s chimney fell on her car and the heat and electricity were out at her house. We watched 28 Days Later, and then she spent the night here in the heat.

Missed Mel the other night, not sure how, but oh well.

So I've had an excellent night, only to come home and have it spoiled.

Kirk is leaving because he transferred to Lansing. His last day is Sunday. So our department went out after our meeting. We just sat around and drank and ate. I like Kirk much more now after bullshitting with him. After everyone else left, it was just me him and Jeremiah. We sat around talking about Menards. I can't believe the trickle down effect. At one point Kirk asked me about my interview before I started. His question was if I actually asked all of the managers when I would start. I told him, yeah and he just started laughing. He also asked if I had someone call to get me the interview. Since it was nearly his last day and I trust Jeremiah, I related the story of me and the Menard family. Apparently most of it is already gossip, but nobody believes it. Just had fun hearing their stories and telling a few of my own.

Then I come home and talk with Josh. Lindsey is right, I need to find a way to make the bastard dead. Not kill mind you, because that would be illegal.

I'm searching for a new place to live, but they're all so expensive if you get your own place. I figured studio apartments would be cheaper than $400 a month. I'm only paying $250 now, plus utilities, but still.

Oh well, it was a good night, and I still have a light buzz, so I'm going to leave it at that.

Day From Hell
This shit needs to end.

Lets update you guys on my life.

Last Wednesday I went over to Jana & Dave’s with Katie, Jackie, and Lindsey. Went to eat, then rented a movie and went to their place to watch it. Identity. Really good movie, my opinion of John Cusack is changing for the better. First carefree night I’ve had in a while. But then there’s the rest of the time when I have to return to reality.

Work has been shitty. Had a really grouchy customer yesterday. Some people will get pissed, but this guy went way over the line. He was actually shouting at me and looked as if he were restraining himself to not hit me. All because he misunderstood the paperwork that my asst. manager gave him. You’d think that by the time someone reaches the age of 40 that they’d have the ability to read. Not so with people who shop at Menards. To top yesterday off we went negative on sales because we had $18,000 worth of returns.

My computer went spastic. It won’t boot into windows 2000 anymore. I’m stuck using 98, which has almost nothing saved on it. I don’t even have MS Office installed on it yet, and of course that’s at home, so I need to buy a copy. I did do some shopping yesterday. Bought a print server. Now I won’t have to drape the cord across the room when I’m printing stuff. Just have to wait for it to arrive. Hopefully it’s not like the print cartridge that I ordered. I ended up going to FedEx because they “couldn’t” deliver it to my house.

Bombed another Physics quiz today. I’m really beginning to hate that class. On an up note I think I did well on the exams in Statistics and Greek & Roman Mythology.

That’s most of the last week; hopefully the next one goes better.

I hate this. I went to bed about 10:30 and here I am waking up now. I have to study for Physics before I go to work this morning. Stupid exam today and I haven’t found the time to study yet.

Arg. Life is life, I guess.

Well, here it is Tuesday night. I missed an exam and a quiz on Monday, not too big of a deal but it still bothers me. I got about 12 hours of sleep after staying up for two days, I’m almost back on track now. I did some cleaning because I was tired of Josh and Paul’s messes. I don’t think it will last long, but I can hope.

Working on this stupid computer assignment for my statistics class. This teacher is such an idiot. I have to do it one page at a time because she wants hand written answers after each part of the computer output. And since the next part relies on what you are writing and calculating after the first part it has to be done section by section.

Read the journals of the people that posted in mine. It was a nice break from life.

Looking forward to Wednesday. I’m going out with Kelli again, but this time she’s my DD and we’ll probably end up hitting a gay bar. She also offered to pay just so she can see me drunk.

It feels weird being 21. Don’t feel like elaborating tonight, maybe tomorrow.

Went to Fireside with Kelli the other night. She is a very interesting drunk. What I learned that night is that girls/women really are bitches, even to each other.

Had wine night last night. Not many people were there, so we drank quite a bit. I’m not sure how much I had, but I think it might have been a little too much. I vaguely remember throwing up, I think. I woke up this morning and was undressed sleeping on Jeremy’s futon. That was really confusing to me. I guess I’m a creature of habit and don’t use much common sense when drunk. I didn’t wake up to the alarm; James was nice and sober enough to get me up in time for work. I was still slightly drunk and very hung over. I have red wine stains all over my pants so at some point during the night I started drinking red wine. I’m going to have to figure out what actually happened. Hopefully I didn’t make too big of a mess.

I’m back from Wisconsin. What a long ass drive. Traffic stopped somewhere near Chicago, so I got off and started taking back roads. The nice thing about a two lane highway is that slows can’t sit in the left lane, although you do have to wait for oncoming traffic. Took me nine hours to get home, second longest. Had my birthday at Grandma’s house. Nothing much special there, just food and a few presents. Went over to Rob’s afterward and put a few new parts in my computer. Ended up getting back to my parents house about 4 am. Didn’t end up leaving home until about 5 that night. Got really tired of traffic and decided to say fuck the cops and drive as efficiently as possible. Made it back in seven hours, while that’s not my best time, it’s really good considering all of the road construction that I went through. I get to bed about 1 am on Monday morning and then have to be to work at 7. Completely forgot about the quiz in physics. Oh well. Have another Calculus exam tomorrow as well as a quiz in Statistics. This semester is really long. At least I can look forward to Greek & Roman Mythology, while it’s not the most interesting class, it is sort of fun and I’m at a 99% so far.

How do I put this shit into words? What is this? Am I really ready for this? What do I really want? What the fuck?

I don’t like my life. I keep thinking of the progressive changes that have been made over the years. I think of myself back in Elk Mound. Here was this town of a few over 700 people where I grew up. Yes, I had friends, but none were really close. I never had a core group, I’d sit with people at lunch but as soon as I leave the table they’re talking about me behind my back. Then there was always the stuff that was said to your face. Finally by the end of my senior year I started hanging out with the druggies. Not that they really did that many drugs, I mean most everyone at the school did as many as them, it’s just that they didn’t have any other name to categorize them under because they didn’t believe in extracurricular activities. I found that many in this group were similar to me. They were only in school to get out of that hellhole. I had one friend that I came out to before I graduated. Margaret was/is a neat person. I say was, because we don’t really talk much. We never really did even then when I still lived there. But her reaction was so joyful, I still have that e-mail saved, it was something along the lines of I’m so happy that you told me first. Yet, she was the only person I told until after my and all of my friends graduation parties were over. I chose to tell everyone by e-mail because I couldn’t stand to see the blank look on their faces as they processed it wondering what their reaction would be once they had. Most everyone was great. Tyler said that he always knew I was hiding something, just that he didn’t know what. Jake just ignored me, and still does. JJ thought it was useful so that he didn’t point out girls with big tits to me anymore. Pat was neat he just said, well that explains a lot. Through small town gossip everyone found out. I come home for thanksgiving my freshman year, and everyone I bumped into knew; even people that weren’t friends of my friends. It just makes me think about the first 18 years of my life. Did I really accomplish anything besides making an escape from that place? Look where I ended up. I am in Kalamazoo, MI. Sure we have a few gay bars here and Western does have the largest gay group in MI, but is that really an accomplishment? Most people are very accepting of me. The other night in Jeremy’s room when we had the mini party it seemed as if some of the people were put off when they found out I was gay. Sure they one guy said, I’m cool with it my girlfriend’s dad is gay, it seemed as if he wasn’t. If you are really fine with it, you ignore it and move on, he felt the need to explain that he was. It just made me think twice. All you guys are great, but that’s fucked me over even more. Some of you are more comfortable with me being gay than I am with myself. I know I’ve made a lot of friends, and you guys consider me a friend, but how close are we really? Everyone back home I was able to leave and move here. Even those that were what I think to have been good friends I’ve left behind. I really don’t miss most of them, and even those that I do I don’t miss much. I think back on my freshman year, and everyone I lived with, Jason is the only one that I’ve kept contact with. I still chat with Mike or Chris every once and a while on AIM, but I haven’t been to see them, and our conversations really don’t amount to much. Now my junior year, I wonder how many people I will continue seeing. Jackie and Katie are sure bets because they’re still my neighbors. But after the summer I’ve made new friends like Rachelle, Kelli, Becka, and all those guys. It seems as if I am a situational friend and only have situational friends. I adapt to my surroundings. I want something more firm. I want to be able to settle down. Even my family seems weird. My mom found out I was gay when I was 15. Her first question was if she had done something wrong. Next she offered counseling. Now all she says is that she just wants me to be happy. But every time I hear it I think back to her feeling as if there is something wrong with me. After all for her to have the impression that she may have fucked up, I must be a failure in some way. I can honestly say that I don’t even miss her when I’m here. My entire freshman year all I missed were my dogs. Now I miss my dad and brother some. My dad has become better at showing feelings that I should have known were there in the first place. Now that my brother is settled down with kids, he’s become a good friend.

Maybe I’m just lonely and being a dramatic queen. I just need more purpose. If I can just up and leave, how much meaning is there really to my life? Are my goals really something I should be trying to achieve? I don’t think I should even be here. How much can I really do with a degree from Western? It’s not as if it’s a prestigious school, or that I have that high of a GPA, or that my field is all that special.

I wonder what else is out there. South Africa is sounding very tempting, California is so much closer, but that’s also one of the drawbacks. I feel as if I need to detach from what I am. I’m not sure who I want to be, but this doesn’t seem right. How can I be happy and content at one moment and so scrambled the rest of the time?

Everyone has always thought that I was so rational and stable. I can’t remember if Jason actually said it, or that somebody told me that I was his rock at school. No matter how much drama there was, or whatever happened I seem to make things look normal. I’m glad I’m able to be there for people, but something doesn’t seem right. How am I rational or stable? I want someone to just fix my problems. I know this won’t happen, but it’s a dream. I just want to meet some guy and live happily ever after. Maybe the Cinderella thing is more accurate than I thought. I need someone that I can lean on no matter what, emotionally and physically.

Now that I think about it, most of you probably have some very similar insecurities, it’s just that mine so much larger to me. This is all actually a part of life. I just can’t or don’t want to admit it to myself. The motivation isn’t there.

And no I did not proofread this.

Had a moderately long chat with Jeremy tonight. For whatever reason whenever I’ve talked to him lately I’ve come out of it in a good mood. He’s turning out to be a much better friend than I would have thought freshman year. I think I began to notice that last week. When everyone had already moved out and it was just me him and Mike going out and doing stuff the last night. Thai Wok sounds really good right now. And I haven’t seen The Transporter in a while. :-) I miss first fox, but it’s so nice to be distanced from Western some.

Went out on a date the other night. Sort of weird. Did end up seeing two movies for free, that was nice. Have to see if we work out as friends instead.

Went to Fox last night. I began realizing a few things. I’m not going to bore you with those details, but I had some fun even if I am sick right now. Finally got confirmation from Western that I am a resident. My financial aid is messed up yet another time after me going in to fix it. I swear these people are brain dead. There’s too much shit in my head, I want some time to sort it out, but I know that’s not going to happen. Oh well, off to work.