Megan's Journal

:: 2003 9 December :: 10.28pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: sic transit gloria...glory fades - brand new

pretzels sit next to me, the bag open half empty, or is it half full? the thought of the salt makes me want to throw up and yet i think i'll eat some
I don�t know. I just don�t know. It seems like I just can make stuff up now, I have no reason to really write, but it controls me. It creates and destroys me. And in the end, what will I be? An old guy with a bunch of worthless poems. I�ll set them on fire and jump on in. burn with my creation. Maybe that�s how I�ll end up. But maybe I won�t give up. Maybe I�ll keep writing and maybe I�ll make something of myself. Get some published and sell them to some big names. Then they�ll make millions off of my hard work and I�ll make 50 bucks a poem. A starving artist. Or maybe I could get a real job, have a boring life trying to support to annoying kids and a bitching wife. Or maybe I�ll get lucky, have a narrow urethra and not have kids, and get a really hot super model girlfriend that likes poets. Or maybe I�ll die alone adopting as many kids as I can. Maybe I�ll be a cop, or an astronaut, or a fireman. A doctor or a lawyer. I would never be any of those. Maybe an astronaut, but only to see aliens.

I'm starting to like girls i don't even know. like, not just really know, but, there last names and stuff. crazy. i'm having withdrawls from not making out for so long. my lips are withering away. atrophying.

:: 2003 9 December :: 9.23pm
:: Music: saliva rest in pieces

today is another day where i am useless to the world. i just feel very lazy and can't really bring myself to doing any work.

and i find that as long as i am in a good enough mood and can bable on for 30 minutes things will be okay.

4 werdz | leave werds

:: 2003 8 December :: 9.44pm
:: Music: dmb-where are you going

with what he wishes was love

i should feel more saddened but i don't. not yet anyway.

tomorrow is the big day.

and the gym was interesting...very.

and the concert was really fun.

:: 3010 69 December :: 9.89pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: uncle kracker: follow me.

my cat is sleeping on a shelf on my computer desk. i wish i was a cat.
i've been staring at this wondering what to write. wondering what i'm worth or if i'm just a life. what would happen if i died right now? Would it make a difference, would i be missed? nothing big would happen. i've got to make something of myself. something bigger than this. i need to be discovered. to discover. i need to be found by someone. to get nursed back to life, or what i had before. its like theres something missing sometimes. when i'm alone. thinking. my life is on fire. and i just sit here and watch it burn.

:: 2003 7 December :: 8.15pm
:: Mood: flirty
:: Music: Skin - Breaking Benjamin

if anything in this world i need a ice cream sandwhich right now....
i need something to write for. when i lost the girl, and the love, it seemed that i couldn't write anymore. but then i wrote about missing the girl. now i don't miss her or the love, and realize that it wasn't ever worth going through all i went through for it. but where does that leave me now? what am i without that? just a simple person waiting for something to come along to save him from a miserable lonliness? or am i more than that without anyone? its a confusing world with confusing theories. but, i like it for some reason. some fucked up reason...

:: 2003 7 December :: 5.58pm

i'm so super lame. sitting here listening to sad songs because i messed up on the thing i was so sure i wanted.

good grief.

:: 2003 7 December :: 5.24pm

well.....had a great weekend i went to amandas on friday hung out and went to see mike he had to leave so amanda and I snuck into his car and sat there and when he came out he laughed about it and then he kicked us out....he left and we went back to her house and then went to bed got up the next mourning she came to my house.....she wrote in my journal to the person whom she is pissed at that said that she hates me....she gave me her school and softball pic....umm we watched the Ring and Bruce almighty....that is a fucking funny movies and a sad one at the same time.....and we went to sleep and then sunday we got up and got ready for mallorys party and then my lil sister came over and played with her *does the happy dance* then amanda went home *tear* and then i am on here and doing nothin so ttyl byes!

2 werdz | leave werds

:: 2003 6 December :: 6.44pm

see i told you amanda likes me....she is at my house right now and she got on my journal cuz i told her about the person who said that she dontl like me....well she is pissed about it just to tell you...but anyways i am having a great time with her she is so kool! lol we all just been hanging out and shit so yeah and i stayed the night at her house last night and we hung out with her neighbor mike who is really hott and he waslike i have seen you before and we all talked for a long time and yeah ill talk about it later g2g byes!

:: 2003 6 December :: 6.35pm

mistake

:: 2003 6 December :: 4.53pm

and i don't want to watch x-2

:: 2003 6 December :: 4.51pm

my version of hell is the mall at christmas time. and my brother is there calling me stupid for no reason.

and there has still been no ring. not even to know how things went. not even to know that nothing happened yet.

:: 2003 6 December :: 4.12pm
:: Mood: annoyed

Y'all don't know shit
ok, who ever this is that is tellin heather rathbun that i don't like her and that we can't be friends better shut there mouth because heather is a really great friend and i will be glad to say i am her good friend looks don't matter ok!! ans i really think that u should say who the hell this is!! you ovously don't KNOW me at all (this is amanda maxwell talking) and i am saying if this is an 9th grader i will be sooo pissed! don't talk shit unless u know the damn facts

:: 2003 6 December :: 8.02am

i don't want to be worried about this
.

:: 2003 5 December :: 10.47pm

...and then i think, it really wasn't such an awful thing...it's pretty much meaningless.

:: 2003 5 December :: 10.01pm
:: Music: dmbcitm

there is absolutly nothing better in the world than laughing

but on the other hand, still no phone call. and i'm not giving in this time.
this was a really stupid idea. i should have been all, "screw you, you missed your chance."
but no, i had to be stupid about it. it seemed like everything was going to be okay. but it's all a mess.

:: 2003 4 December :: 7.44pm
:: Mood: blah

well i talked to my aunt today and i got an email from my gma.....for one my great grandma broke her hip and i am really worried about her she cant be opperated on because she is to fragile and her bones wont take it,

2) ill give you this email about my mom.....
here is part::

we visited for 40 minutes about. She seems the same. No, bruises, but Wes really got super mad when he heard me tell your mom that I had heard about the police being called by a neighbor...he hit the roof, and I am sorry to say, but I had a small, but very well delivered argument with him. He was acting like a little spoiled rageful brat...so I saw more of what you gals are up against. Darci and I are very sure that we must keep showing Kris we are there for her, whenever she either reaches BOTTOM in this relationship, or needs to come 'HOME' I feel she is in an addictive relationship and wes, seems to be convincing her that she can live without family, just LIKE HE IS DOING. WELL, I want to talk with you gals together, maybe we can get together during xmas vacation at darci's house.

I saw your mom yesterday...I just went up there, Bonnie right with me...and knocked on their door....both of the cars were there, knocked again. really loud, no answer...then I opened the door, it was unlocked!
Kris says, "mom is that you?" Then she came from the back of the trailor and said (in a very nice but suprised voice) " What brings you u p here?" I said, " it is your birthday, and I wanted to hand you your card" We visited for a little while. Wes was there too, but I knew he was in a "bad mood" Mall, I want you to share this email with Rach and Heather, so I don't have to write it over.
Your mom, looks alright, I half expected bruises, we hugged and kissed many many times. but she seems very resolute in staying with Wes...no news to you girls, I am sorry to say....my heart is so broken, Darci's too, the whole family is very very concerned for you kids, but know that you Dad has been getting it together these past years and that you have a "home-like" setting with a very decent woman....anyway, you know all of you, that you have all of our love and unconditional love and understanding. All your grandparents! Aunts, Uncles etc. I am so glad I can communicate with you. Had Heather read that letter I wrote to you gals, right after you had come down with your Mom? I apologize to you personally....my only defense is my daughter was hurting so so bad with the breakup, I wanted to do anything to support her. but of course, realized, I betrayed you or at least acted as though you girls were in the wrong. No, I know that you are all hurting very very much and hated that I did anything to compound that pain. I love you so much, so I just wanted to let you know I am sorry, for brash and hard wordsl

this is from my grandma so now we are trying to keep my lil sis outta there cuz a 4 year old doesnt need that.... well g2g byes

:: 2003 3 December :: 10.06pm
:: Music: vc-1000miles

flugflug.

i feel like it's gone, but i don't really feel sad.

and i don't want to bother with calling

:: 2003 3 December :: 4.51pm

hello again ppls!!! lol whats up! not to much here well nanelle is back !! yay! lol anyways well this weekend i am going to amanda maxwells house this weekend..yay! lol more fun fun FUN!! my dad and her dad and buch of other guys that rode motorcycles this summer are goin and have there families with em....and amanda was like " your coming to my house right?" i was like heck yeah man! lol well ttyl byes!

:: 2003 2 December :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: disturbed - prayer

GRRRRRRR-EAT
well, today. today today today today today today today. today was a good day. it was warm enough to get a great hack circle goin and we played i think our best in awhile. i go so many um, jesters. it was great. the best! i can finally get them.

well, amanda talked to me today. i don't know why, but i guess she doesn't hate me anymore. thats good. maybe. still just sarcastic comments. i can't believe i'm over her. its the greatest feeling in the world. i totally feel nothing for her now. i love it. not loving her. its a good thing.

i try to be a good person. i really do. and i think i might just do a good job at that. not many people hate me, or dislike me, that i know of anyway. i try to be nice, not to be mean. and if i am, its not personal. you just made for a good joke at a good time.

i'll talk to you later people.
get laid. have fun.
eat potatoes and cheese.
(they're good for you)

:: 2003 2 December :: 6.09pm

much better.

:: 2003 2 December :: 5.35pm

hey everyone whats up...not to much here i miss nanelle a lot!!! *tear* she is in West Virginia...so yeah i miss her! ummm i really dont have much to say except janice what is your problem?? your like accusing me of not being your friend or something i dont know but it pisses me off when you do that.....well g2g loveyall! byes

:: 2003 1 December :: 10.32pm

everything just got weird today.

just felt really angry. and for like 5 maybe 8 seconds at a time. I felt okay. then this horrible chill would overtake me again. it's one of those side effects of being out of school.

at least i did my homework.

Janice_2001

:: 2003 1 December :: 5.11pm

I leave this state in 4 fucking days and I can't wait. I don't know why but I guess I lost my best friend Heather. I don't know. Well, Chris and I are going on our 1year and 6 month. That makes me happy but its the point that I won't be here, I will be in florida. Be happy you guys won't have to see me until January 5th thats when we come back to school. Well, I am gonna go now.

Janice