Telstar
Went to the telstar funy new bitch pops with califorian chardonay in them called bliss, blodey marvelous.
Our Damos coming soon woot. Hes gonna cook food tonight as well apparently ^_^ heh ahhw. Love him lots and lots even if he does have feet like a troll.
(he didnt seem angry when i told him i was in the telstar either which i though he was gonna be so happy happy)

3 potatoes.
How many bored am i? LOTS many. Thats how many boreds i am.
Damian went to the detist today, bless his smelly socks. He has to go on anibiotics and he cant drink on them so hes gonna be gloomy for the next so many weeks. Heh, love him.
Note above mood, ARGH!

Chocolat
This week end was even more boring than usual.
Our Damo went to the acklam, 'only for one'. I was sooo fucking pissed of at him on friday, pissed off beyond belief. For no good reason either really. I was pissed off at first cause he came home drunk which always annoys me cause I dont like drunk damian one little bit. In fact I could quite easily kick drunk damian in the balls. Then i got pissed off cause he went in the arena after all the talk about how he hates the place and blah blah blah, seems like he only hates the place when im not there. Then he had the fucking audacity to tell me to go to bed because he couldnt be bothered with me, if he couldnt be bothered with me why couldn’t i have stayed at home, he knows i dont like it there. But anyway I went on the comp then he came to sponge yet more fucking money off me even when Id told him that I needed it, I got bored of him nagging and let the baby have his bottle.
The only thing i had a good reason to get pissed off about though was the fact that the took the £20 out of my bank and and extra £10 (which im still fucking pissed off about) and basically just spent it out on the piss. So basically hes taken me for granted and taken complete advantage of me trying to help him out. He already owes me £40 quid and thats not including the tenner he got for the electric and the tenner i gave him to get me some blow and he spent it out on the piss. FUCKING GRRRR!!. I didnt say anything though cause he was pissed and it would have turned into an argument and I hate having arguments with him. They scare me, make me think that I could lose him at any second. rant over.
Anyway this weekend has been mostly dedicated to reading 'Chocolat'. Its so french it rememinds me of that place we went in the ardeche with he little church and the cafe and the cherry trees. I miss it. Mams planning a 3 week holiday in brittany and paris for the summer. Debating weather to go or not, ill deff have to talk to damian about it. I was just thinking the otherday im sooo bored of winter and cold and the smell this time of year has. I want to be either in a little french villiage, like the one in the ardeche with cherry blossoms all over and the river and the little balconies with pots on em or on a yacht some where in the Agean, preferably next to that island that smells like pine trees and sand. Some where warm that smells different. I'm bored of the same old at the moment. I need an adventure of sorts.

Ears in the turrets hear.
Last night was grrr. Damian thinks im cheating on him. Dont think he realise that I feel like a peice of shit everytime some one mentions or I think about anything to do with the horrible. Then he asked why I was with him, and asked if it was because I felt sorry for him because hes screwed with out me at the moment. I dont think he has a clue about what I feel for him. (I dont think he knows that im terified that hes going to finish it when he gets unscrewed ayway, even though he has read it in here plenty). He cant know me that well if he thinks that I would be with someone because I feel sorry for them.
I feel blue =( I dont like that I make damian feel bad. Thats the reson i was crying last night, he didnt understand he thought it was a guilty conscience =( Im a really fucking shit girlfriend. Really fucking shit.
Some one asked me if they could read this today, cant remember who though, one of my ladies. I said no. Im doing that thing again where I dont tell anyone about stuff that I should ie me having the jason dream again. Only one person knows about that though and were not that close anymore, I kinda hope shes forgotten and to talk about it with ayone else would mean telling people about it which isnt an option. I dont want to talk about it with the boyf, i think he'll either think im making something out of nothing, get mad and demand i tell him where he lives or think im really weird and get my mam to talk to me about it. They seem to be going away again now though. So i'll live dreams cant hurt me anyway.

For later referace "ears in the turrets hear. "

Emmas flat boobs.
Today was shit. Damian came to Bede today though, and I get sex later on so it cant be all that bad.
Fucking media, soo much work for the stupid course work. I need some one to act in my film cant think on anyone though >.<
Today really was shit.
Pleh.

Mp3 player woop.
My mp3 player came today its sooo cute, its tichy tiny, only as big as my thumb. Its charging up atm.
Humph, im trying and failing misserably to write a commentary for Pammela Camm. I hate commentarys, soo pointless.
Im having an I look like fucking fucking fucking grr shit today. Bath may help.

Another broke window
This weekend, it was very very very very very cold. I was alseeping in Jamies bed and even under the duvet it was the kind of cold that hurts. I reminded me of the time me and mam etc went for a walk around christmas time in the contry and my hair got all frosty even my eyelashes. That was the one when we saw the dear and the little cave with the frozen stream and all those iceicles. I even found a tenner in the show (or was it 20, cant be sure). I miss those walks, Garrat doesnt organise them anymore though.
Anyway steve was actin weird all friday night kept coming on to every one (incl. me apparently but i didnt see it). So in the end he was asked to o to bed or leave he chose to leave and (out of sheer frustrartion proberbly) broke a widow with his elbow and Damian introduced his face to the wall n floor. I saw it coming ages back. Im so utterly unsurprised, its almost boring.

Ikea = the devils work
Stupid Ikea, stupid flat packs, stupid ellen, stupid people who dont get how to put stupid Ikea stuff together.
I have come up with some new years resolutions 1 is to be a better friend and the other is to try and be a halfway decent girlfriend cause i dont seem to be doing a very good job atm and the other is to be better at doing the college thing (eg go to lessons).
Some thing some one said - 'gosh he has sooo much controll over you'. I was comtemplating this while I was going all wrikley from staying the in the bath for to log and I realised that if some one who I am involeved with doesnt have controll over me I end p having no respect for them and not valuing them. Im gonna start telling people that, well maybe not cause yea...
Anyway, darren phoned me today, aint heard from him in ages. Still a dirty dirty druggie like but it was nice to hear from them. Apparently daves still with that lot , and he told me aaggess ago that hed told that whole situation to shove it, hes now a crack head, fucking lies. I hate him. I Hate that fact that he was my best friend once. Fucking hate all of em. Fucking tossers. Hannahs ok though.
Speaking of that lot I had the jason dream again (second night in a row) but before the horrible I got woken up by damian shouting in his sleep about a cabinet being in the wrong place and something about a carpet.

Happy new pleh.
I had a jason dream last ight, the same one as i always used to have but this time it was his dad who heard not his mam. It sacred me LOTS. proberbly cause i havnt had it such a long time (last time i had it was in greece i think). Im keep having lots of weird dreams lately, the one about damian having a heart attack in the pub the one about my mam and dad and now that one. Grr.
Mams keeping a diary, its one she doesnt want any one to read as she is keeping it hidden with all the other stuff she doesnt want us to find. I saw her shut it qickly and put it there when i came in to ask if i could borrow the oil of olay. I cant decide weather to read it or not. I want to read it (kinda) but id hate it if she read this one. Mam has no privacy as it is (then again neither do i). humm.
damian got very very drunk last night, fallen over and cat get up drunk. Some of it was funny. He vomited red ... eww. Its still crusted on the toilet too (kinda like my purple sick).
Pleh, adicted to sims again.

boxing day anitcs.
I had the weirdest dream last ight, cant remember what it was about like but im sacred to sleep downstairs on my own now.
Today was boring didnt bother going to see the dip, couldnt be arsed. too cold. Got the boy though ^_^
I need a nap.

Christmas YEY!
I loves christmas. I got cool stuff (but my coolest thing I dont have yet, dads gona get my my mp3 player in the januray sales so I can go with and pick one out).
Family is doing head in sooo much. My grandads really bad though, the mediaction he is on for the cancer isnt doing him any good at all. Hes havig trouble breathing, hardly eats anything compared to what he did (even less than grandma now) and hes losing the use of his legs really fast. Its aged my grandma lots too cause it means she cant go out because she needs to be there for him *sigh*. (Some one sent them bathroom cleaner for xmas, heh, cause my grandad does stinky poos.)
Damian told me that he might be a dad today (one of the lasses he cheated on me with). I thought it would bother me but it doesnt .I could go on a big long ramble about stuff here but im not cause crap xmas telly needs to be seen.
Anyway on the subject of damian, I miss damian. =(
(im sooo pissed off that thing on ebay went ggrrr)

More drunken phone calls
Today was cool, I got druk though and mam said I had to act sober for my grandparents. I think she was angry.
Damians ringing me drunk again, being really nasty. Nastyer tha usual. for example
d - what you doing?
me - nowt
d- you must be doing some thing
me - not really
d - tell me what youre doing or im going to dump your desgusting arse
me - im getting the futon ready to sleep in
d- you know youre such an annoying little bitch sometimes woman.
and when i rang him before i went to sleep like he asked he had to put the phone down for a bit to make a cig and i heard him say (like i wasnt supposed to hear) 'what the fuck is that bitch ringing me for now'. Oh well, he wont even remember it in the morning. Im not gonna bother reminding him cause I have a feeling he will be still drunk in the morning and kick off about it.
On a lighter note yey!! Christmas tomorow, grandparets drought down lotsa stuff ^_^ (theyre anooying the poop out me already though)
Im sleeping on the futon toight so my mam has my bed (which is good cause i always seem to sleep better when it smells all damian like).
humm bed time.

christmas eve eve
Im off to shoppingnes to buy Damian one last thing then that'll be it for my xmas shopping.

He had to go home last night cause of some stuff at home. =( *snif*

Wants me to go see him on xmas eve but I dont think I can which then means day after boxing day. Thats lots of days away.

me thinks im gonna get another diary on a differant site, dont like this one much.

He said on the phone last night 'if it does work out between us thik how fucked up it will be, we wont have seperate lives'
I dont think he even wants it to work out anymore.

(first entry in this diary woo)

Jingly bells
Yey! Im all christmassy now. Trees up, some prezzies are under it. ^_^ *sway*

Went to see tlotr return of the king t'other day, very cool, aragorn very pretty (very very pretty).

And we had a snowball fight, my neck is numb bt its ok cause the boyfs warm, ill go put my neck on him in a bit.

*sway* christmas eep!