there is ...
Meh, today was pants. SO boring.

Damians gone out, gave him some monies to buy booze with. Gonna have girlie night me thinks, last day of collage n all (mams letting me have the day off cause I only have one lesson).

Damian got all pissed off with me again today, he said 'youre a bit wet, have you been cheating on me?'(Im gonna make him read the leaflet that comes with my baby stoping pills one day) and then when he read a txt message I sent to my mam (saying Im free, come and get me) he thought Id sent it to some bloke. I understand completely where he's coming from but I wish he would look at things rationaly before he jumps to conclusions.

I think he was pissed off that i didnt go to his as well, I hate (well not hate but for the purpous of this I do) going to his when every ones comes back. Everyone (no one who i like to talk to anyway)is fucking pissed (esp Damian)and it does my fucking head in. Everytime we go there we always end up arguing for some reson or another, or thats what it seems like at least. Damian enjoys it though so s'all good.

I have to go and ring him at half ten, he'll probs be pissed, and I just love talking to him when he's pissed.

Wish I had more monies so I could take him out properly or at least give him monies to go out properly. And to buy him presents n stuff, I was going round the shops the otherday and I kept seeing things and thinking 'ooh Damian would like that'. Jobs suck though.


Xmas tree came today ^_^

Splunge is for splunge
Today was cool, every one happy n stuff. Me, wife, stace and jam were sat at lunch and twas so funny, stace nearly peed. And amy was crying with laughter today in psychology, its fnny when she tries to talk when shes laughing she sounds like a demented hampster or summat.

Ive thought of the perfect preset for Wife Emma, im gonna get her a writing/doodles book for her writing and doodles.

No sign of other emma though. Hope she doesnt go. On the phone to damian now he is sending me random shit. (hehe love him)

Mad old men are crazy
Im so sleepy, virtualy no sleep last night between damian ringing me (which is ok cause he was only nasty 2 out of the 5 times he phoned me and he left me a drunken but lovely voice mail ^_^) and my brain working to much. I hate that.

Everyone's 'forgoten' about yesterday now so its ok till something has to be done.

Meh, im going to see if lil sister is out the shower yet, then sleep. Mmmm sleep.

fuck. a .pig
Why did I bother coming home from damians? As soon as I got in the car my mam stared telling me about the doctors apointment she and dad went to and basicly saying shes about to walk out.

My dad is fucked. His diabetes is really bad and he needs to be on insulin bt he can because hes too fat, but he cant lose weight because the medication he is on at the moment make him put weight on and make him be hungry all the time. So if he comes of his current medication to lose weight his diabetes will get 6 million times worse and insulin might not even be able to help him then. To top it all off the doctor said hes [] that far away from a stroke because of it. Mam said theres ne chance i hell she'd stay if he did have a stroke.

Of course this cased a huge argument between my mam and my dad. Theyre actualy having a shoutey argument now (thank fuck my sisters out) and my mams just shouted at him that hes turning her into his mother and that she cant take it any more then it all went quiet. Think ill just stay in here tonight, sleep on the futon, smells like damian, help me sleep.

And to make this umm hour that ive been home even better ive just got a phone call from a mate asking me "why the fucing hell are you two bothering" because shes just read on haxed what damian put about wanting another lass and then changing his mind and so got back together with me stuff. Shes basicly said that hes only with me for the money and some where to live and stuff (which I more than 50% believe ayway but what the fuck).

Right im off the throw up, not sure why but I feel really quite sick now.

Edit - Now damians pissed off with me because he doesnt believe why my mam wanted me home. Mam wants me home because she wants a family meal with us all there (proberbly to discuss the situation with blah) and because she wats to help me clean my room and me to help her do some washing and put some decorations up (in short she needs some one with her to talk to appart from my dad). I told him the bare resons and he said 'im off, phone me at 11 if you can be honest'. FUCKING HELL!!!!!

Lau kinfes and sarnies
Dont like lau anymore she says things. Bad things that could really hurt people even though her best friend knows she lied. Shes such a cow.

The Wife wrote on my hand today and Damian got narked off, o.0 i dont get why.

Money still aint transfered, might borow from mam for the blank.

Presetation tomorow. Eep, didnt check it on Harrys comp, hope it works, cant be arsed doing key skills again next year.

Aahww ^_^ me and Damian cuddled up in front of the telly last night *sway*

Emma c might be moving colleges *snif* =(

stars, beans and firey deaths
Just got in from college, was hoping to catch Dad before he went out. Oh well.

I read more Emma poems today theyre very good. clever the wife.

Lini is a mong sometimes she can never take anything light heartedly.

Broccoli
Wondering weather to go to the funeral. Would if i didnt have so much godamn work to do. *bangs head atop table*.

Emma wrote a pretty poem called glass rose


Silently, she watches the world through sheltered tears.

Alone again. And lost in herself once more.

Her only way out, beckons from the distance.

Calling her name over and over. To do it again.

And feel satisfied that she’s accomplished something in her life, for once.

A million miles away from everything, she sits

Haunted by voices that no one else can hear.

Alone under her purple sky she draws pictures that flash in her thoughts.

Memories concealed, fantasies unseen, wishes unfulfilled

Under a spell of her own creation, she kills the time by slowly killing herself.

Tearing at her own mentality. Pulling at her state of mind.

No one perceives her fragility. As they go on in ignorance. Choosing not to see her

They leave her alone to personal sorrow.

The torment she treats herself to each night reveals itself in her reflection.

Her sparkling gaze now contaminated by betrayal and pain of long since joy.

The moon shines through her soul

As if it were glass. She doesn’t want this anymore.

Her life keeps shattering around her, yet she can’t break free.

Her petals fall. As do her hopes, frozen in time. Ensnared in crushed ice.

She hides in her head forever and a day,

Wishing she was special.

Stakie is a stalker, how bout that
Mondays at college suck, full day, need to finish (and start) my media studies presentation for Wednesday and I have mocks on Thursday and Friday.

Stacie’s class, she’s wonderful. (even the stalking but tis cute cause theyre all in love n stuff now). I was talking to nat and lini about the whole friday/saturday thing (they found out from craig). this is what nat said 'craig said it was something to do with that lass he was with on friday/saturday'. grr

First entry, wow.
Finally gots me a diary. I decided I needed one, gots lots of things going on atm and instead of going crazy or talking to the wall or the cat I get to vent off here. Of course talking to people would have the same effect but tisnt my style; I’m the listener not the talker. Ummm ... now I’m typing I don’t know what to write. Ha I have a plan.

The thing that’s bothering me most though is my boyfriend stuff. Cut a long story short. I cheated on him because I was confused about why he wanted to be with me as I was paying for him to live and mam and dad feed him and stuff (he even sold my Dreamcast to go out on the piss!)and my mam and dad had been talking about it and it really really upset me. So i ended up all drunk and bad stuff happned. To make things worse i kept incontact with the lad it happned with, nothing happned he just rang a couple of times to see how things were. Damian found out, the obvious happned. (hes cheated on me lots o times, if i let myself feel anything it would break my heart)Hurt him, feel like a peice of crap. Worse than crap. Scum. Im actualy in love aswell, much more in love than ive ever been before. Its fucking great. Me and stacie were talking about being in love in college on friday (argh friday grr). We both started crying, how sad are we? I didnt know i was in love before all this, its made me appreciate him a hell of a lot more, made me learn how in love i actualy am. When we broke up for a while i didnt know what to do with myself (i got home and cried so much i actualy threw up several times, attractive). Im really scared of being without him, its not just losing some boyfriend, its damian the person im head over heels in love with, all my plans and stuff for the future from where i want to live to what im doing after college on thursday all include him weather it be him there with me or him being what i look forward to going home for. Im more than in love with him, but i cant think of a word to explain it.

Im not sure he loves me though, in his words ive shat on him (in all honesty i dont see what there is or ever was to love but ... ).

Ive actually started crying as well, none of my friends had seen me cry before all this happened. Feels really strange crying in college and stuff (feels like im more normal now though even though years and years of stuff i was supposed to cry over is all being cried over all at once). What else pisses me off is people dont understand why im with him because of how he acts around me when drunk and around mates. this friday 7 people(dave, nik, siggy, emma, claire, cooky and bruce) asked me. I hate it, i wish they'd just know why im with him, witch is stupid itll never happen with out me having to justify why i love him. Oh well something ill have to put up with. Even damian asked me that once, that upset me, i dont think he gets what i feel for him. I dont know how to explain it to him though, its the whole 'i dont have emotions so i never talk about anything' thing even though i LOVE him. Grrr.

Right im done (for now).

gonna go watch the new tv even though the widescreen makes people look weird.