what. the. fuck.
Just been on the phone to damian and got fucking snapped at and basicly fucked off because I said I was doing some thing with my friend on results day. Fucking nice one.
Not the first time since ive got back that ive been snapped at for no good reson either, im so fucking annoyed with him, i feel like fucking ringing him back and fucking screaming at him but it wont do any one any good.
Its fucking not my fault hes in a bad fucking mood again. Why does he even care what the fuck im doing that day if hes fucking busy anyway!!??
Fucking hell.

work make my feet die.
Well i went to work today. It was okay i geus. This guy asked me for my number because im 'really good looking and got a really nice ass' apparently he couldnt help noticeing -_-* bless. Im making more friends at work now and we have stuff to talk about, thats good. Me, chris, mark and charlotte were talking about maybe going out in hartlepool one night. Might be fun i thinks.
One of my bosses is nicolas (smith, from primary school) mam too, lynne, which is also nice because my boss instantly likes me, and shes a nice lady too *nods*
Probs gona go to flamingo land tomorow, i wanted to take stace but mam said no =( wonder if she got her present yet? hehe.
OOOOHHHHH im gonna go to an anne summers party on monday at lucys ^_^ aahhw i havnt seen her in soo long, i miss my luce.
Yes yes. Alkaline trio make my ears happy. (and my bowles but i wont go into that here). Im gonna order a cd off amazon on pay day either that or borrow staces.
Appologies for the crap post but nothing much is going on. never mind.

new bed and lots of angst.
Went to meet Stacey on Tuesday, it was loads of fun. Mart showed up too, not really spent much time with him before but he’s cool, he knows alot of the same people as me and likes alot of the same stuff so me and Stace and mart had a pretty good natter in the issacs. *nods* much funs. Oh yeah and stace got me a present for watching axl and just a random present that she thought id like ^_^ chocolate cows and a pretty necklace. I love my stacey.
Damian met up with us on his breaks and was in a mean and nasty mood for no reason. Not much fun for all parties involved. Sometimes when hes around my friends he says the meanest things to me, and some stuff about me and him that id rather keep private. Its argh. Anyway i tried to talk to him about it but he pretty much ignored me. Anyway he was in a nasty mood all Tuesday but then he went to the pub with his friends from Stockton and was all happy again. Seems like he’s only happy when he’s around people he wants to be around doing something he wants to do. No compromise or allowance.
Anyway i told him that if he was going to get drunk that he shouldnt come back to mine because well i dont like it and it doesnt exactly make him look good in front of my mam and dad. but he ended up getting rat arsed and coming back to mine. him going on about the number of kids he has and the amount hes drunk/can drink and swearing every other word isnt doing him any favours, mam said she was about to tell dad to stop the car and telling him to walk home. God i wish hes take what i say seriously sometimes.
Anyway when he'd sobered up and chilled out a bit we had a really nice night ^_^ and that day after was pretty good too, lots of snuggles etc.
but we had a row today while he was putting the beds together. he asked me to do him something to eat i asked him what he wanted. blah blah and so it goes on. and anyway instead of saying 'a snack' or 'something warm' he decided to go on at me about how i was useless now and would be even more useless when we got married. Some times its like im just there to get him drinks and pick up after him and fetch stuff for him, i know its not but sometimes it just kinda feels like that.
anyway he told me he couldnt be bothered with it anymore and was going to go home and not come and see me on friday. Then he wondered why i was crying. And then when i told him he sat laughing at me and then decided to give me a hug till id stoped being a dick and stay for some lunch anyway.
we were okay after id cooked him something but i didnt feel like saying much incase he was still angry with me.
Hes not decided what hes doing on Friday yet. Its okay though, he’d be bored if he came here. Hes probs gonna go play pool with his mates, he asked if I wanted to come but I said id see how I feel on the night. Ill proberbly leave him to it as I don't really like pool and after these couple of days he’d proberbly have more fun without me in the way winging that im bored.
Ill ask stace if she wants to do something, girlie night in/out sounds quite good to me.
Actualy im gonna give her a ring and tell her ive ordered her a present off amazon and to watch out for the parcel. ^_^

staff meetings make my brain melt.
Nothing very exciting has happned today.
Went to a staff meeting at work. REALLY boring. Had a good natter though so thats all chipper.
Ive got awfull pmsyness. Im all crampy and headachey and *sigh*. Not very funs.
Oh yeah and i got a carol said i looked dead nice in my skirt and asked if id lost weight. maybe ill get more skirts like that. but not wear silly shoes. actualy i really want a new wardrobe. everything i have is getting all scruffy. angst.
im hoping i can stay awake long enough to speak to damian today. ill try.
working on wednesday. the 5-9 shift. the shittest shift ever. tidying up and restocking. woooooooo. i heart my job.
arf, i wish i could phone damian. mams just been talking about his possible birthday present.

back from holiday
Well Im back from france. It was blodey marvelous. Im really glad I ended up going. the first place we stayed was really nice, family place, lots of cute babies. One of them picked up a habbit of eating the pebbles outside of out caravan. Started getting qite broody actualy, proberbly good we left after 2 weeks. Lovely neighbours, all french but they were so heart warmingly lovely, we'd all be sat outside eating breakfast and dinner at about the same time joining in each others conversations, it was so great. Id forgoten how cool family type holidays were actualy.
French boys are anoying though, they seem to think 'no. go away' means 'come and hit on me some more'. Give me my nice english Damian anyday. Actualy ive decided that english people in general are actualy kinda shit when you compare them to the folk over on t'continent. but never mind that.
Beaches were great too *sigh* miss them actualy. Maybe ill start going for trips to seaton more. its not that bad ... is it?
Paris was just amazing. I love the archetecture. Its really grand and majestic. Very good. It was blodey hot though. The champs alysee was the best bit, much life and shopping and busyness. People watching = very good hobby. Even the metro was glam, statues in the stations *nods*
Disney land. Oh. my. lord. I regressed about 8 years of age. i think everyone did. it was so funny the dads would be running to the rides as fast as their sons. i love that. its nice for everyone to feel like a kid some times.
Damian said he'd never go with me but ill show him. Wait till i pop a sprog, we have to take that to disney land, its like the law. esp for only 20 quid a ticket, is it just me or is that good for a theme park of its size?
Ahh! scarey black men, the only people who hit on me!! they all seem'd to want to do me. NOOOO!!! maybe its cause ive got a big arse, black men like that dont they?
ahw but im back home now and i like home just as much. Esp yesterday because my damian came to see me ^_^ *is smiling like a complete nonse now*
Oh my good lord. Damian is looking DAMN good. I dont know why but he walked in yesterday and i was like .... *drool*'gasm*drool*. maybe its cause i havnt seen him in a while. hes at work now. i really wana talk to him =( (and have snuggles).
Maybe ill go text him. again. maybe itll annoy him though. eep. oh well ill text him just this once and then ill leave it so i dont annoy him too much.

more researchy stuffs
Well, i cant find a decent uni in the area that does the course that i want. Teesside do something close, only problem is that its a really shite uni and odds are ill have to live in boro to go there *sigh* ah well damian'll be happy i suppose.
Ill just have to really apply meself and do lots of extra work and do lots of back ground research n stuffs. Maybe im being way to ambitious aiming for a first honours. A second wouldnt be so bad. arf.
Maybe it wont be so bad at teesside uni, they have a student excange program to maybe ill be able to go and work abroad for a couple of weeks. that'd be really cool. They have good work experiance as well, to all over the country, that shold be cool too.
ah well.
well daiman'll be pleased i suppose.

pills pills pills
Just got me a new prescription for my baby blockers. Was quite impressed by my blood pressure, apparently its gone from good to exelent. According to the doc its cause ive stopped smoking, i didnt think i smoked enough for it to have an effect on my blood and stuff. meh.
Me and Dad then went for a nosy around the houses in the car for a bit. It always surprises me how nice and not shit that area is, id not mind ending up living there actualy. Hartlepool, its more hard core than youd think.
And it has a garlands for damian.

my first adventres at matalan
Well i started my job at matalan properly this week. Ive been on tills mostly but spent a little bit on the fitting rooms as well. I like the tills better though, appart from when people forget their matalan cards and i have to go all the way over to reception and get them a day pass. And appart from when people by trolly loads of stuff its a bitch to pack everything >.<
The only bad things are what standing up for four hours strait does to my back, its really really bothering me at the moment.
Anyway yeah, dead good job. appart from the boys randomly stripp in the staff room, its rather ... odd.
Damian is staying another night. yip. Hes had some agro at home so its much more nicer for him here. with me ^_^ *sway* gonna go cug him in a bit.
i dont think he understood mrs suck.

Godsend
Spent the day with stace today, it was really nice ^_^
I went to hers early and we played on her game cube for a while on this x-men thing. I was dead good so its reignited my complete and utter lust for game cubes ^_^
We went to boro after that (oh and we saw claire on the bus and some gys been messing her about so she cried =( ) and we did a little bit of shopping and went for lunch over the road from walkabout and it was uttlery sexy *humps* id take damian there one of his lunch breaks some time but he wouldnt like anything on the menu proberbly.
Then we went to see Godsend, it was pretty good actualy, i expected it to be wank but it was quite good ^_^
Met up with Damian a couple of times and i wasnt impressed at all. He was acting like a bit of a nob (in short). I asked him when we got back together if he could show a little bit of repect and at least act like he wants me around. It started off like that but its gotten back to him not making an effort at all which pisses me off to a rediculous extent considering what im having to adjust to make him happy (which im happy to do but meh). I really need him to show a little fucking respect, if i treat him like he treats me id be fucking single and its really starting to bother me.

maybe its a male thing??
Well yesterday damian was on the computer and i came in for snugles and such like. He was chatting to one of his mates at the time. I read on the screen 'out lass's parents chucked her out for a while untill she we got back together' and then damian quickly told me to pack in reading what was written. I thought, yish i must have read it wrong so i asked him what it was about and got shooed out of the room. So i toddled off into the living room and told ellie about it, she called him 'a big moose' and i thought nothing more of it.
When i was in the car taking damian home ellen read the chat loggs (as she regularly does) and found that i hadnt read it fecking wrong at all.
This is roughly what he wrote 'our lass' parents disowned her for a few weeks whe she cheated on me but they let her move back in when we got back together'.
what the fucking hell??
Its simmilar to the time ellie found hed been telling people online that she'd flashed her boobs at him cause he fancied him and i found out the other week from ginger martin that he'd told him that he'd slept with her.
Okay ellen really shouldnt read his chat logs, but its not like she can distunguish between his and mine and shes more than welcome to read mine.
I find it utterly ironic that he harps on about lies etc and hes fucking pathalogical.
I dont understand why he would lie about that though.
I really dont know what to do about this. Its getting like it used to be...

humph
gah, mam and dad are being complete and utter cocks. I really cant be doing with them.

Scary angst fest of doom @ the ship
It was scarey at the ship. Too much to explain, just one more reson to hate alcohol and violence.
Humm. I just wanted to spend these two days with damian spending some time just the two of us. But again it was the two of us and a load of his mates (the majority of whom I really really dislike with a passion), again sat in the pub drinking or sat in the pub watching him play pool, both of which are offensively boring. Again he came to bed hours after me when i was asleap and i woke up hours before him. Its like were never just sally and damian were always sally and damian and damians mates.
Fuck it im being unfair and a bitch its not like i dont have my mates. Its just that i miss the actual just us.
Im not sure what to do this friday. damian wants me to go to his. but if i do this i know for a fact that i wont have a very good nights sleep (not due to a late night but due to loud music/banging/shouting, which are all unavoidable even if daim askes em to keep it down) and ill wake up and feel ick and also look like ick. you shouldve seen the clip of me today walking round town it was horrid, i hate looking bad/smelling bad (ie of unwashed hair and rollies), it leads to me feeling shite about myself for the rest of the day (call me shallow but i cant get away from it). I really dont want to be worn out and stuff on the very first day of my very first job, first impressions matter to me. I wish damian could come down mine but he cant because his dad is bringing money down for him *brian wave* ooh his dad can shove it though the letter box and frog can put it somewhere safe, maybe, possibly, ill ask daim about it.
oooh i got a tamagotchi!! WEEEEE!! i love it so much.
Damian hates it and says it pisses him off, i dont understand why when he was sat with his mates and having convos with them not me o.0 ah well.
i miss him already *pet lip* no i really do. Im such a mong, i think i need to buy him a lead and take him with me where ever i go so if i want hugs and kissies i can get them. I dpnt like sleeping in an empty bed anymore.

YIP!
im going to dami-hens!! *squeal*
i even shaved my legs
One problem though, im supposed to get a photo done for him but i look pooy today, i cant even find my eyeliner and my hair wont go.
Still no tamagotchi on the horizon>.< why is mam so against them?? *wails more*

*gasp*
Some one buy me one of them new tamagotchis theyre so coool *wail*!! (in pink)

My big fat crap weekend
This weekend was utterly shite. Damian was pissed by the time i got there which is always fun. I know its his decision if he wants to get rat arsed and he was celebrating getting a job etc etc but i really wish he wouldnt celebrate and get drunk when im there. He threatned to knock hollys teeth out because she called him daft and im banned from going in the purple room anymore because he doesnt like it and he was just a cunt to everyone all night. I would have been more than happy to just stay at his and be there for him to snuggle when he got home. Its just i really didnt want to go out, i knew i wouldnt enjoy it and i didnt.
Saturday wasnt any better, he was hung over and poorly so we didnt go shopping like he promised now im gonna have to wait till the saturday before i go away which isnt much time really.
Mid you, its only some times hes like that now as apposed to everyweek end and some week days so i shouldnt winge really.
Sunday was ok, woke up in a dead good mood and stuffs. Only thing that really wasnt goiod today was damians reaction to me having a livejournal.
I understand that i shouldnt have said that i didnt have one and stuff i get that. What i dont get is why the live journal its self is such a huge issue, its a journal. There was nothing earth shattering written in there i think the only thing he didnt know was that i ran away when i saw mike when i was shopping the other day and thats hardly life changing or deep and meaningfull. In fact doesnt effect either of us in anyway (appart from i had to wait 5 mins outside untill he went away). I wonder if he would have reacted similarly if it was an ordinary diary thing (ie a none-online one).
He said it makes him wonder if i even care. I dont undertand where that came from. I dont know what I can do to show him how much he means to me, i wish i did cause he obviously doesnt know now.
It brings up the whole privacy issue again, in there there isnt any. Well privacy isnt the word im looking for, maybe its individuality. Im not asking for something huge that he isnt allowed to know about or ever see or be part of. I just need something little, i thought maybe a diary would suffice but it didnt. I think i need something special to me thats just mine. Am i just being stupid and selfish? no its an actual question that i need an answer to.
*sigh* but anyway im deleting the journal, peace of mind (??) for Damian and i wasnt really getting anything out of it anyway so its no great loss really.
Damian also brought up the issue of me and going away to uni and what it would do to us. Because of his job commitments now he wont move with me any more and he was worried about it. Ive told him not to worry, i wont go if it means no me and him. Im looking at other unis now, so far only teeside uni does anything close to what im thinking of but ive always told myself that i will not go to a shite university. Ill do some more research. I hope, i really fucking hope i dont have to go to teesside, but im going to do everything i can to keep us together (forever and ever amen). Hes stuck with me now (the unlucky mofo).
I just hope that I can still get the career and what i want out of life at the end.
What i want the most out of life
1- A family with damian (married of course)
2- A job that I enjoy (good pay is essential)
3- A good house in a nice area (since I hate teeside pref out of it but that depends on Damian). I have a picture of a perfect house in my head. The one with the sloping driveway.
4- A kitten or puppy
In that order. Im going to get all of that no matter what it takes.
The most dificult one maybe the kitten or puppy, im sure i can convinse damian though.
Other stuf i want is stuff like second homes abroad and a bmw z4, but i can live without that im sure.
I cant wait unill i have all that and can settle down, which im not sure damian understands yet. In myself i am ready to 'settle down' but i know untill i have number 2 or the resorces to get there i shouldnt because i wouldnt be happy, id feel like id have let myself down. But is that selfish aswell? Maybe if i have that job that'll be good for damian too, i can give him everything he wants (the kids too heh).
Right ive ranted long enough, im going in the bath. College in the morning.