Living in a world where one's dreams are left to rust ...

:: 2004 17 April :: 11.49pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: SILENCE lol

tomorrows my bday...
ill never get the bestest thing ever
my parents chased me all over the house.. I HID IN THE SHOWER AND THE DOGS FOUND ME lol than i ran into the comp. room and locked the door but my dad had the key and my parents came in and sang to me dancings and i got annoyed im here screaming shut up over and over lol my bdays in about another 15 mins.. now my mom is telling me what happened the day she had me... wow im just like uhh... ok now she is off crying lol i find this funny.. not to be mean but wow ok im going to go play video games

:: 2004 15 April :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: i give, you take- maria and phone w/ nikki

first part of my day was good, i hung out with my friends at my house and burned my first CD it was the band "the used" later i got to the mall and my phone rang so i picked it up.. it was a person, one of my friends who will not be named.. she told me that jake said that everything he did.. when he said he liked me when he kissed me and everything else, was all fake and it was part of a dare. at that point i was crying in the middle of the mall than i went to the park with steph, lisa, meana,simone, sara, therese and ulla and it was bothering me so much i had steph take me home and she went back to the park. i went into my house crying to my mommy than we went to lindas, fed her cat and im allergic to lindas cat... but ok than i went home and made lilo and stich shaped macoroni and cheese, wrapped a blanket around me and thought about how dumb i am for letting him play me and why i didnt listen to anyone. grr so steph came over and i asked her to take me to Mcdonalds and get a happy meal so i did.. my hair was falling out my eyes were red and my face was all blotchy and tearstained omg i looked like a freaking wreck and they forgot my toy!!! so i was mad.. i saw my old friend sarah from middle school.. (i know alot of sara's!) so i talked to her, while i ate my happy meal and i told her about everything and she was giving me advice bc she said it happened to her twice. while she was talking to me, we looked out the window judging how hot guys that passed by the window were lol. than me n steph went hunting for a cd and it was kinda funny bc she was SO hyper guess who ended up driving from the passenger side (me) wow she was just WOW lets say if you thought i was bad.... nikki is reading the list of things that make me mad out loud lol so im listening to her when im upset i always call nikki bc she makes me happy and laugh thanks lol love yas! but yeah.. it may take me a while to get over all this but i can.. in time ok well im gonig to bed bc

NOTHING HURTS WHEN I GO TO SLEEP

unless you dream about it.. but you'll probably forget it in the morning

10 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2004 15 April :: 1.03pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: sara a.

things
things that i think are dumb or i dislike

1. PLAYERS!! when guys are players it just sucks bc its mean and just something no one deserves, weather the 2 are gong out or not

2. Mr Hanson

3. Having to shave my legs

4. people who never say anything nice to others

5. people who say they like something only because someone they like does.

6. seeing someone laughing at mentally retarded victims

7. gold teeth

8. erasable pens (they dont erase)

9. people who drink and think they're cool talking about it.

10. same above with sex

11. people who put down another person for race or color

12. peppers and onions (a little bit of onion is okay but peppers are just boring in flavor and have an awful stench)

13. getting yelled at for not going to school because i'm sick.

14. the sun glaring in my eyes when i'm in a car no matter what you do

15. twangy country music

16. guys being perverted, it can be cute for a little bit than it just gets annoying

17. people who ask ''how far have you been?" or who assume that because you've been in a relationship for a long time, you've went really far

18. salmon

19. hypochondriacs

20. girls who wear low cut shirts and get mad at boys for looking, or are all giddy and act like this is a spirit match

21. when people make fun of any of my friends

22. rapists

23. watching sports on tv (hockey is an exception) (A BIG ONE)

24. christmas shopping in crowded stores

25. slow drivers

26. potholes

27. tailgaters

28. people who steal other people's phrases and think they're cool because they say them

29. girls wearing a lot of makeup. you don't need to.

30. girls who look good in capris, I LOOK BAD, and it's not fair

31. my feet

32. homework

33. when people sing christmas music in the middle of june

34. bras

35. pet hair

36. squeaky hinges

37. creeky floors

38. teachers who pick favorites and hit on them. (unless it's me)-not

39.slavery

40. animal cruelty

41. glitter appearing on my body when i didnt put it there.

42. people who swear every other word

43. the sound my alarm clock makes

44. telemarketers

45. sound of hairdryer/ vacuum when i'm trying to listen to music or watch tv

46. people checking me out that are not of my own age

47. checking the answering machine only to hear like 5 people hang up

48. when my dad has to know whos on the phone.. or friends doing the same its none of your business

49. wind when my hair is down

50. when mr hanson tries to yell and scare us

51. when mr hanson dances in front of the class or sings and tries to be funny

52. bugs

53. swallowing pills

54. the partridge family

55. when it's just my dad and me home together

56. pointy/ shiny shoes

57. being in 2nd hour knowing i have mr hansons class next

58. the voice of Gloria on all in the family

59. when mr hanson says hi to me in the halls

60. when mr hanson looses my papers and even though i turned them in, he gives me a 0

61. having to cut the fat off my meat

62. screaming singers or girls screaming when there friends are right in front of them.

63. when mr hanson never gives me a 100 even when everythings right

64. the words "whatever" and "nevermind" used in any mood other than happiness and joking around.

65. when people say "ill do it in a minute" and it neer happens

66. when people act stupid to get attention

67. when things say 100% real fruit juice than you look at the label and it says 50% real fruit juice

68. when friends backstab you

69. when nathan throws the bannana skin at us

70. when i have an itch i cant scratch

71. when your friends tell you one thing and act a certain way around you until they are with you with eiter guys or other friends and act different or pretend your not there

72. people who lie- i will catch you

73. when i catch someone in a lie and they lie to get out of it and contradict everything they say or lie more when i know its a lie-give it up!!

74. when people mispronounce the word "often"

75. when girls get all dressed up to go to the movies or mall and it looks like there going out to a funeral or wedding something formal like that.

76. girls that cant even walk to the mailbox with out makeup on

77. hypocrites

78. when adults buy happy meals just for the toy to either play with themselves or give to kids or grandkids

79. when the people at mc donalds dont give you your toy with your happy meal

80. when guys play around with you and tell you that they like you, kiss you and leads you on all for a dare

81. ashleys obsession with ugly guys (kenny chesney)

82. how my friends are always right about everything and im wrong but i never listen to them anyway.

83. when friends say "ill never do that" and do it anyway even if it hurts you so bad than say they will never hurt you.. and they hurt you so bad so you say go ahead you already hurt me enough

8 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2004 14 April :: 11.24pm
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: The offspring- hit that

ok well lets just say today didnt help my trust with people... one of my friends really badly backstabbed me. lets just say, she kissed the guy i like after telling me shed never hurt me and she goes off... does it ON MY BDAY NO LESS and lies about it.. she said she wouldnt have told me if i didnt figure it out.. ok she should have told me and it hurts me alot that she couldnt trust me.. and since she lied to me idk if i can trust her anymore. but whatever i dont really care anymore i went ot dance and other than that stayed home and slept bc i was really tired ok im going to bed night

p.s sorry lauren, you got me addicted to this song lol (the one playing on my journal)

:: 2004 13 April :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: bugged
:: Music: 3 musketeers

well tonight i had a long talk with sara and i finally got her to tell me everything and i told her that if we are close friends like she tells me.. that she wouldnt keep things from me, especially things like she likes the same kid as me... than when i ask her, she lies and denys it. but im glad she told me after i forced it out of her she still explained she wouldnt replay what happened last time.. so i was happy! sara i love you and you can tell me everything ill only be mad if you dont tell me and you make me find out myself!! ahh!! ok anyway today i basically cleaned and well... jake dosnt like me only as a friend. :0( someone told me that, but i still like him alot and i cant really see me getting over him but as long as i dont bother him i guess its ok right? well ok jake imed me and now im done talking to him.. idk hes purposly being a jerk to me so that id stop likeing him (from what i heard) i just dont know why he just wont let me like him i could care less if he feels the same or not i just want to like him without anyone bothering me. i really wanted to talk to him.. one on one me n jake but im not going to even go that far.. ill just wait a while, unless he ever wants to talk to me (highly doubt it) sometimes i wish i just kept me liking him to myself so no one would know. grrr another thing that bugs me is someone told him i was suicidal. NO PEOPLE I AM NOT SUICIDAL AT ALL. especially not bc of what happened to mariah. my life isnt that bad to the pont i need to take my own life away. and mariahs wasnt either, life never gets to a point to take that extreme. and i wouldnt do it either i mean what am i, crazy? as far as cutting myself goes i have no cuts on my arm anymore and i would never cut myself ever again and i stopped that a long time ago. i love myself to much :0) not to sound (conceeded) spelling is bad for me. sorry, whenever i get on this thing i lecture i need to stop that lol i have so much i want to let out but im scared that like someone may be reading that i wouldnt prefer knowing.. so im going to go to bed, night

8 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2004 13 April :: 7.21pm

"dear diary, the day Lisa had to explain something to Sara"

-stephanie at ruby tuesdays when i had to explain to sara the thing stephanie said

MizPrettyInPink: IM TELLING YOU LIKE IM SCREAMING AT YOU AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND YOU WHISPER BACK "ok i hear you whatever" AND IM LIKE "LISA AKKNOWLEDGE ME" and you whisper back "i cant im retardeed"

that is something lauren said that i thought was kinda funny becasue she was like going crazy and im just like yea... ok im gonig to go against everything your saying anyway.. lauren i love you lol

:: 2004 12 April :: 7.54545pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Taking back sunday

tonight wasnt the worst ok well this morning i woke up and i went shopping with my mom, picked up my skateboard, than went shopping again, picked up sara setzer and we hung out at my house than stephanie came and we ate out and talked alot. yea the bad part was i found out stuff that i didnt want to know but its ok bc at least im aware of this and i can handel it i just kinda wish that it wasnt like this... if you know what i mean. but its ok. im going to go clean my room for a bit bye bye

:: 2004 12 April :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: sum 41

i had such a wierd night. it started at 2 in the morning i woke up becasue it was like a really big thunderstorm and it scared me than i heard a big BANG and the neighbors car alarm went off i was like wow thats pretty scary i walked around my hose and everyone was up and my puppies were sooo scared so i had to stay up with them till they calmed down.. i didnt have to i just thought it was right you know lol than i went back to bed at about 330 and woke up again at 730 something bc it was very windy and rainy and my window was making wierd noises and i though something hit it so i kinda stared out the window for 20 mins and watched the storm bc personally i though it was pretty. than i went back to sleep until 10 and woke up did my moms hair and looked at all the neighbors cars lol *lauren is an awesome girl and she is forever my dweeb! lol love yas lauren!

Mizprettyinpink

:: 2004 12 April :: 10.52am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: seventy times seven, brand new

awful night = awful day
IN TIME, by me

you parents teach you to say no to drugs

to wait for sex

to hold back your angry words at people you hate

but they never prepared you for the heartbreaks to come

they must have thought i new it all

honestly, did you think it wouldn't hurt me

you only lead me to it and now i cant get through it

waiting for the day that you'll say
"im here it's ok" but i know it will never come

wishing on a dying star it was all a bad dream, you're mine

but the dying star fades along with our days

missing the times i thought you'd be mine

the days we knew we were soul mates
i still think the same . . .

i'm still here and always will be, it's to hard to let go . . . this is all i know
hold on to what matters don't let it get away

talking to you our conversation progresses i wish now i never said a thing

my best friend's there, she doesn't know what to say
she sees you hurting but she can never understand the pain

just start to think about all the fun times, and i cry

start to think about those nights we felt so alive

i needed you to see it through, thinking every step of the way that you would

we stayed up until half past three
falling out of our chairs laughing, literally

i could live forever that way just you and me and every stupid little thing you say

i hope i drown in my sleep
with every memory of you and the way things used to be

maybe then your life will go back to just right

and you wont lose sleep thinking about me in the night

this is by far worse than i ever imagined

when you just cant cry because the dark has soaked up your tears
you feel yourself drifting into despair

the words are way to much for me to bare

"friends, its all we can ever be" when it's always meant SO much more to me

i wish you'd understand just how much i wanted you

you say you'll be alright you'll live
when its just so hard to see it now

i come home, i'm all alone, whats new
it used to be i'd be alone so i would talk to you

she's so much more to you than i had ever imagined

i do feel bad for saying this but i wish it never happened

the safe i once knew is now gone
every corner i turn your there, waiting to remind me of just what i cannot have

i opened my heart once to an amazing guy,
it turned out not so great, now im just waiting for these tears to subside

the only place i could ever talk here, i know you don't read this but i wish you'd take a peak

see just what you meant to me, understand my agony.

it just doesn't seem quite fair, despite of everything i've said nothing can really quite compare . . . to her

i know i brought it on myself i KNOW this is all my fault but really i feel dead

and my feelings balme my heart who lead me falsy to this guy who i know is just right, but i didn't really steal him in time

i still hope you miss me and i still hope you care

i know i've been a bitch, i'm just mad because i was never prepared

for a night when the world might come crashing down

and you look so hard but you don't see anybody around

grabbing desperately to save myself, i only see you drifting father . . . i'm making it worse

i have so much to do here in this little house but i can't stop thinking of you

i need you here to hug and tell me it's ok but you live 900 miles away

its ok

i'll be fine . . . in time

8 Watched me as I | Fell

mizprettyinpink

:: 2004 12 April :: 12.12am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: stairway to heaven _zepplin

wow guys tonight has been crazy . .. ..

-wish i could be all that he means to me ...

SnOwFlAkEa4

:: 2004 11 April :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: taking back sunday

today i had a LOOOONG reflection time.. i relized hate is a strong word and i am going to try never to use it. i also realized that i should credit myself more for the good things i do and love myself for who i am! which i have been doing lately. and just so everyone knows i have been extremly happy for like a loooooooong time bc i am an optamist (if i spelled it right) and life has been going awesome! anyway going on well today was fun i went to debs and wallys for easter and i babysat basically those kids and i almost fell asleep i was so tired lol i came home and ate alot of food lol and got attacked by a belt named johnson haha. i ate a bunch of candy and i dont feel good now lol but its good well i think im going to go to sleep now night night... love yas!

4 Watched me as I | Fell

:: 2004 11 April :: 2.16pm
:: Mood: concerned
:: Music: 99x

hi
ok well the past few days was certainly busy! well i had a bday party with like 3o people although my mom thinks it was 4o i compleatly object! that night sara lauren kelly and liv slept over.. matt did too but he had to lol the next day i went on the boat with sara lauren my aunt and matt than the place next to the church.. next day matt danny lauren meana sara god i flipped i was like on my last neve bc i really wanted alone time.. but i had people following me and non stop calling me so i ended up having danny pick up my phone telling everyone i wasnt here or talking through him and everywhere i went i had people pick up for me! so that night me steph and kelly and derek went back to the place next to the church and it was fun.. and toay is easter.. i went to church and i was holding breannas hand the whole time.. she even went up to get communion with me SHE IS SO CUTE! breanna is 4 and michelle is 2 i was picking up michelle lol than well... i really hate to have to go into this and of all times on easter but i was talking to my friend at church.. me n her arent really close but we do talk and we are friends.. and i noticed she had scratches like cuts all over her arm so i asked her how she got it and she told me her cat.. i gave her this look i mean i give people a look when i dont believe them bc i knew for a fact they werent cat scratches number one she didnt have a cat second they were too deep and wide. so i made her spill it and i told her that it didnt solve anything and gave her like a 45 min lecture lol i hope i helped.. but please everyone dont stat doing it bc once you start its an ongoing thing.. its so hard to stop and your always in denial if you have done it or are still doing it take it from me you feel so much better and content with yourself once you stop and you got prettier arms! (or legs or whereever you cut yourself in) but anyway on happy news... its easter go to church and eat candy and food lol ok hapy easter everyone love ya!!

mizprettyinpink

:: 2004 10 April :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: laughing at my cool little sister

meghan: oh crap...
lauren: what?
meghan: i drew mom and dad a picture but i forgot to draw grandma one
lauren: so draw grandma one
meghan: i don't have a drawing book
lauren: so draw it on computer paper
meghan: I DONT HAVE MY DRAWING BOOK!
lauren: what do you need a drawing book for just use computer paper!
meghan: I NEED MY DRAWING BOOK!
lauren: NO YOU DON'T JUST USE COMPUTER PAPER!
meghan: LAUREN! I NEED MY DRAWING BOOK_
lauren: NO MEGHAN DRAW A CARD ON PAPER! ITS THE SAME THING
meghan: OH MY GOD! LAUREN!!!! I NEED THE BOOK I GOT FROM THE LIBRARY TO SHOW ME HOW TO DRAW_
lauren ... : ... oh ...