:: 2004 20 October :: 11.41 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, school was fine... Javier however.. wasn't paying too much attention to me... as I figured...
... Lenka is getting sick.. but yea.. I would hit Javi everytime I got.. and he would just kinda stop and look at me.. ^^ I brought his lighter to school and was playing with it for the first half of the day... I had broke his rubber band lastnight at the tank and so I stole one from Ms. Huff. I tore a bit of paper off of one of my Algebra 2 worksheets and wrote: "8:30-9:00?" on it, I folded it and stuck it to the lighter and wrapped the rubberband around it... then got some little rubberband hair ties and wraped them around it. ... I gave it to him. At the end of school I saw him and he saw me and I waited on him in the hallway.. he looked over his shoulder a couple of times but nothing because some of his friends were talking to him... so I just left.
Whatever, work was fine. We had next to no customers... I was.. pulling Charles hair.. he shivered... He liked it.. He said "you better stop it" and I was like "or what?" and he said "or I'll get in trouble" xD ha ha .. but yeah.. Javier was on my mind the whole day... and the thought of me comming home and being able to see him.. ... I read.. an email this moring from Brook.. this is what it said:
¤
I didn't know whut to think when i saw you that nite at GaS mArT cause i finally saw something i've fuckin hurt but i'm DONE

Boy


P.S. i went to Washington to race and i felt i shouldn't worry you.
¤

... I wrote: Y-you're done? Wha? What do you mean done? With what? ¿iWhat!?
~¤?confused little girl¿¤

... .. yeah.. He hasn't writtin me back.. today is his birthday I believe... I don't know..
Javier was playing basket ball at cody's when I got home. I saw him.. it's just like.. half a block away... Well, it took me like ten mintues.. because I got home and I was waiting and then heard basket ball and saw a tall guy with long ass white shorts.. so I walked myself over there and Javi waved as I was approaching.. and.. he can really play basket ball lol and cody is some hick guy lol. But yeah... they just shot and I got the ball and sucked lol xD they said I shoot like a laser, staight! But I make some 3 pointers. Yeah.. but Cody said he was going in so Javi walked with me... carrying his damn light blue shirt.. Cript... Charles is Blood like Brook. .... Charles said he decided to wear red in the fifth grade.. but he didn't know the difference between Bloods and Cripts.. Charles said he doesn't have problems with Cripts unless they act stupid. He says he has two friends that are cript. .. but anyway.. Javi and I walked to our propane tank and... I asked Javier ... why he wears blue.. and he said he didn't know.. he just did and he doesn't know when he started... and he doesn't know the difference between bloods and cripts.. he just said he guessed the color.. I also asked him how many fights he's been in between the two and ... he said too many. ... He said "I haven't laughed like this in a long time" and... it shocked me because I wasn't sure what he meant... and he looked at me.. and I was like 'what?' and he was .. I dunno.. started then talking about weed and how I laugh too much xD yesterday he said I was on speed... ... but yeah.. it was strange.. he sat close next to me... my legs were warmed by his. .... I kept tickling him and he pushed me over the edge kinda playfully but really ended up just about pushing me completely off! I pulled his shirt and he fell over and we just about was on the ground him ontop of me! OUch! Yeah but he pulled me back up after he got his balance. Everytime a car drove by, which happned like three or four times, I covered my face up with his blue shirt that he just carries around. I also asked him why he still carries the color around if it doesn't mean anything.. I said because incase he did get in trouble he could use it to intimidate.. and.. he said that he wears it because it keeps others that he doesn't like away from him.
We... played the whole time... mom called me so I jumped on Javi's back and he gave me a piggy back ride all the way back to my house and we just.. I was tripping him in the yard and tickling him and he kept comming back for more and.. just.. it's so much fun, he is so easy to trip because he is so tall. One time I wrapped my legs around his and pulled myself backwards and we fell and he was gonne be right on me but he jumped over me XD ha ha it was weird. But yea... he took of his watch, his ring, his wallet his shirt and his lighter and left it on the porch and came to me and we just.. messed around... like he flung me over his damn shoulder and I was fucking upside down >_< and then he picked me up by my leg and arm and tired to hang me upside down again and i went to grab his shirt and I scratched him. XD ha ha but yea... he was tickling me and now knows my knees are extremly ticklish... -_-'... yeah.. it was fun. It went on for like.. a long time lol probably atleast 20 minutes.. mom said to come in so we sat down.. he was next to me and i was pullign his ears then ran my nails up his neck and he shivered xD ha ha I was like 'OoOoo finally! I found a spot!' xD ha ha and so I kept doing it and he got quite and his head was sagging and he shivered once in a while.. well I dunno what was up but he I dunno but I got up and he got up and then I sat down and he sat between my legs and I had pulled him to sit infront of me and I just.. was scratching his neck and.. making him shiver, running my nails up his neck and side burns and his little beard.... yes he has facial hair.. and.. just.. he got real quit and was playing his with watch and I was just giggling and he kept asking 'why are you laughing!' and I kept saying he made me laugh.. he is so cute. He got nervious. He has to be virgin.. either that or when he was really into the gang he had to do something he didn't really want to. .. But yea.. it was a big change of tune for him. Mom kept saying come in come in tell him goodnight and I kept saying 'kay' and .. I kept saying go home javi and he told me to go home and he'd stay here lol.. .. .. but yeah.. I ... ::clears throat:: let my thumbs massage up his spine..and.. yeah.. .lol.. but yeah.. I mean.. he got reallly quite and nervious lol, clearing his throat and shit. I called him on every little thing too.. no protests from him though.. (cody had came by the house eariler and javi walked out to him saying it was man taking, taking everything with him except his shirt and they talked and he came back and stood infront of me ... instead of sitting back down. He was adjusting his watch like he was about to leave.. and he picked up his shirt and said 'umm.. cody.. he wanted to know if.. i knew anyone who sold' and he looked insdie the house to see if my mom was listening and I said 'kil' and he said yeah... and so cody wanted to know were to buy some weed. and.. javi said that cody said if we wanted to go and ... and I was like 'and what? smoke?' and he's like 'no, over to cody's just to sit at his porch' and I was like '.. ahh no" lol and he was like 'okay,' and sat down next to me.. yeah.. .. did he choose me over his friend?) But yeah mom said she was about to come out so we stood up and he was just ... whatever.. and I was like, 'he's nervious' lol and.. ... I was like 'g'night' and he said night grandma.. and I said I'd see him tomorrow, he was walking back to cody's and he sai dok and I was like 'and don't be ignoring me either tomorrow at school' and he stopped and looked at me, and said 'okay' and he talks funny sometimes to be funny but it's gay.. yeah..
But.. very touchy touchy tonight.. I mean really.. and then what he said.. about not laughing in a long time.. and... just whatever..
.... ... yeah.. well.. I .. need a shower lol... .. I like Javi.. but.. at school it's light.. I feel more.. comfortable at night.... I guess I still feel.. ugly.. I dunno.. I ... god.. I am stupid

Close the World |

:: 2004 19 October :: 12.46 pm
:: Mood: fine

... things are so crazy.. school was hell. Everyone is calling me Javi and Javi me! They say we are going out and... Brook e-mailed me again.. .. saying that he didn't know if I checked my mail in the morning but for me to have a good day and that he'd try to call later today if he found the time and he'd try to email me at 1, or 2 when he got home.. it's about one. This is what I wrote just a while ago:

¤
I don't wake up early enough in the morning now-a-days to do anything but run my ass down the street to school. I don't know whether or not to wait up for you or not... I'm tired. School, then work, then Kylee (my niece).
Feel like shit huh? You should. All I wanted to do was fit in next to you. You're right, sorry isn't good enough. I told you you have to prove it.. and this little e-mail game ain't gonna cut it. I know you are busy and shit and family comes first but if you can't even give me a damn second than I don't know what the fuck I've been waiting for.
"To let you know I'm getting back what I need to make it, and it may end up somewhere else better then S.W. Oklahoma" You wrote that. What do you mean? "The only thing that is really holding me back is you" You also said that. Yeah right! I have a tight hold on you don't I? Cha.
And what I SAID was 'Who, said I never wanted to be part of the it?' (it = family) Meaning, I've wanted to be but someone won't allow it... that someone is you.
When the hell'd ya go to Washington?

"Love you more then you can imagine" ... you said that too. Apperently that is the case. Why do you have no actions to back up what you say to me? 'I love you', really? It doesn't show. ... I just.. argh what the hell is love to you? What is it!? Imagine... why can't you put the picture of your love in my head so I can imagine it?

I hate it when Bethany is right about things about you. ... makes me feel so stupid.. All I've felt is stupid... Are you hiding from something? Did I do something? This feeling is eating away at me Brook, from the inside out.
I can't help but still love you.. but I'm not sure how anymore.. I know I'll always love you, dispite lies and broken promises and this and that.. I can't help but love you. You were always at a distance.. and I finnaly got you.. .. I didn't want to let you go.. I didn't want to loose you.. that's why I held onto you so long.. but.. I just.. you seem to put in no effort at all.. and who knows this could possilbly not even be you, Brook, right now reading this or writing me back.

... There are so many more questions but I'm so afraid that if I push things, you'll disappear... I'm always afraid to upset you.. ... I feel like you are a stranger.. You've turned into one. I always get a knot in my stomach when I think of you, I become nervious.. How did you feel that day I showed up at the Gas Mart window?









by-the-way.... happy birthday?

¤



... When I got back from work.. Kylee was here.. I was with her in the front yard waiting for Javier... he came.. me, him and kylee played for probably an hour... .. that and.. then when sis left.. we walked down the street.. I gave him a cigerate and i had his lighter and he couldnt' lite it so ha ha .. but... we sat on a propaine tank.. and.. I was tickling him.. and.. mom called so we walked back and then we talked and he gave me a piggy back ride back over to were we were like half a block.. and.. I was sitting on the tank and we kept trying to get something from the other.. he wasn't rough with me.. he is.. nice.. .. too cute. In the car he said he wasn't a virgin that night.. ha ha I think he is. But yea.. we were .. goofing off and I was ticklying him and i finnaly tickled him it brought him all the way down, his collar bone lol and i was just about all the way on him and i hear some feet and here walks joey and jordon xD ha ha ha greeeat Me and javi was like 'can't wait to hear this tomorrow' xD shiiiit! ... .. he is cool.. I was .. on the tank with him between my legs with my arms around his shoulders.. his back to me.. he was warm..
.. his hands are large like brook's.. .. i .. .. .. i ... brook.. and javier.. .......... god... I don't know what to do.. I had so much fun with javier and I don't wnat to hurt him... ... he handed me his lighter before he left my house... ha... that and when we was by the tank.. xD I stepped on his pants and they tore like a foot up! Ripped! And his shirt was streched out AND we was rolling in the grass so it looked like he fucking got in a fight! I told mom a dog attacked himxD ha ha it was funny!
.. .. .. damn.. he is handsome.. not cute or anything but handsome... ... ... he's huge.. brook is little.. ... well not little but not.. .. o_O`.. I don't want to insult him so I'll leave that a blank ____.
... I'll take a shower and come back on to check my mail... ... ah.. shit.. what am I doing?

Close the World |

:: 2004 18 October :: 7.30 am
:: Mood: tired... in thought
:: Music: Some people want it all but I don't want everything everthing means nothing if I ain't go you

Close the World |

:: 2004 18 October :: 11.30 pm
:: Mood: fine/tired

Well, work. I was supposed to be there AT the lastest, ten till seven.. I woke up at 6:50 >_< I was late. It's a 13 minute drive there people, do the math. But it was ok, Jakeeta's father in law died last night, I know it's sad but... he was really nice and funny and kind but.. I just can't let it get to me.. there are others out there... I guess call me cold. But yea Jakeeta wasn't there, Nichole was ^^ She was freaking out because she had never cooked breakfast before.
Oh Hell to make things short, work was busy and I made like fifty bucks today ^^! I have to work Monday and Tuesday and .. No Jon working and I was supposed to go to Risa's but Lenka say she doesn't want to go because Kelly is picking her up to play flag football at the chruch so I called Risa and said we both can't make it after I had already called her and said we'd be late. So we go play and go back to Lenka's house early because we was gonna go to town and I called mom and she said that my boyfriend stopped by xD Javi. Lol. But Yeah, we walked down the street and I saw his tall self and two other guys 4 blocks down and I yelled' javiiii!' Lol they just turned and looked at us and kept walkin.
Well, we get to Wal Mart because dad doesn't want to take us anywhere else, and personaily I was too tired to do shit anyway, dad stayed in the truck and I had $165 in my wallet and we just shopped and shopped and I got this and that and tons of candy and some fuzzy rainbow house shoes, which I'm wearing now thank you, and it was fun. Ritsuko was there so I showed her how much I could write and she said very good that I must of been studying hard (lenka wasn't around she was getting something) and anyway I said let us check out and we'd come see her again and she said ok. Checked out and mine was fucking 109 dollars.. shit lol ha ha it's cool. My paycheck is gonna be like fucking 77 dollars. Well, anyway, we go back and she is getting off so we go put our stuff we bought up and go back to see her and we talk and she shows us some stuff and tells us some stuff. She seems really hardworking and fun. ^^ She is very nice lol Still has trouble with English though. We said Grammer and she thought we said Grandma xD it was so funny lol we all laughed. But yea, found out that Kanji is that pretty shit and Hidairika or some shit is like the sidewayz easy writing. I was write, you put 'a' and 'ka' together and spell, aka, red! I was so happy! But yes, we told her about Risa and had a good talk. On our way out of wal mart, remember that lez that hit on me? Well she was there and jumped out infront of me and read my shirt, 5 out of 4 people have problems with fracitions, and was like 'don't i know you?' ... yeah... Lenka boy was she makin fun of me when we got in the car! And she calls ME the devil!
Dropped Lenka off and put all my shit up and was watching the streets. Poured me some of my juice I bought and sat down and waited... la la la la la here comes a car and they are creepin and then they stop, before my driveway and before the people across the street so I don't know who the fuck they are. I was thinking Jon or something because I never saw the car before.. I was hopping Brook and Javi crossed my mind too.. so they just stay there and then I see a light and the door pops open and some tall guy sticks his head out of the car "buda there?' and I was like 'what?' and he said 'oh, buda that you?' and I was like 'yeah' and he said he thought i was a statue xD ha ha. He was by himself and the guy who dropped him off was laughing at us xD damnit as he drove off.
Anyway, I couldn't believe Javier was here once again.. wow. It didn't take long untill Christian and Joey was up here too. They didn't stay long though. They kept hiding behind shit and throwing rocks at us. But yeah.. damn. We talked, and it was cool. Found out he doesn't know his father... and that his older brother, umm I can't say his name, is 26 and is what he said a bit retarded and he hates it when Christian makes fun of him and picks on him.. I mean.. Javier is a really good guy... damn.
I was next to him for what.. fucking from 9:30- 11? lol. I have his lighter. When dad came out there and made us say goodnight I held it out and when Javi went to take it I pulled my hand back and he's like 'fine, keep it and give it to me tomorrow at school' eeye I will ha ha .. But.. Javi.. ... when I was next to him.. the way he moved and some of the things he said.. .. it reminded me all too well of Brook.. And because of that I think I was.. a bit too.. forward.. I mean cause.. I mean it's like 'oh it's brook' and then when I'm leaning on him and shit and just flirting .. it's like... wait this isn't brook.. I can't be doing this.. too much touching.. I don't mean it n a bad way I mean like I reached for his lighter and he pulled it away and he fell over and I layed on his hip kinda.. its' just.. .. All those fucking Indians talk alike, act alike, look alike,... damnit... there is so much more to Javier and he seems like he's been brought up well.. damnit.. Well'll see how things are tomorrow morning...
Mom and dad are right.. if Brook really did care about me he'd do what those boys do.. sit outside in the cold just to be with me for a few hours..
While I'm on that note... no e-mail from Borok.. he hasn't replyed yet..
I'm piss ass tired.. I need some sleep..

....

He likes me.. Javi.. pulling shit out of his pockets and playing with it just so I can see.. guys are so easy to read. .. that and he said my hands are cold, he just wanted me to touch his neck again.. oh I tickled his side too, Damn he is strong! Bout broke my arm just fucking trying to get away lol He tired to tickle my side back too... yeah..
... i'm falling asleep...
I love the way he smells.. my hands always smell like him... damnit... damnit

Close the World |

:: 2004 17 October :: 12.56 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, today was crazy once again. Message on the phone from Risa saying today was her birthday party and she was gonna wear a Kimono and wanted me to come.. I had to work so oops.
Got home and my brother said Javier called, and so I went to Lenka's and we was walking around looking for Javi, went to his house (charles was grabbing my ass awhole lot today too. When I got there at 12 he was there till 2, helping out. he was sober so cute) and his mom said he walked to Jesse's. So we go to the store and walk back by my house and then we hear some basket balls so I thought it'd Be Javi and Jesse so we go 2 more blocks and it's not them and we ask them to get Jesse and they do and roxe and patina come out too all high. And we said we were looking for Javi and.. yea.. he wasn't there.. so here comes like after ten minutes Javi walking down the street high. Ha ha I think he was. So anyway it was really cold and the others asked if we wanted some kill and I said not me and Lenka said she did in Holland but I said no for her and they all wanted us in there and anyway they went inside and I was like 'Javi you comming with us for awhile man, come'on' Fucking Rose and Patina was calling me his biscut xD ha ha funny. Yea so I was like 'so you gonna walk us home?' he said he guessed. So we walked (we like 5 blocks from lenka's and like 4 from my house and like 10 from javi's and we just walking and he was like 'yeah, my mom said 2 white girls came over so I started walking' lol xD ha ha and so we got to lenka's and I said javi was walking me home and i'd see her tomorrow so.. Javi and I was walking and he took his jacket off like he was gonna give it to me but just held it in his arm.. .. i think he was too shy lol so cute. But yeah. Got a block from my house and saw someone, it was Christain, his brother. So I was like 'you guys wanna come to my house for a smoke?' Javi was wanting a cigerate, and Christian said he didn't smoke, basket ball. So he came anyway and we just sat on the porch and mom wouldn't give him a light and we all just talked for like over an hour just sitting down.. it was cool. I found out alot about those guys. Christain is all about basket ball and he is on TV. Street Ball, espn 2 or just espn I dunno.. but .. These are a good pair of guys.. and Javi likes to get touch so he doen't have to be afriad of anyone.. they are some really true guys.. .. but yeah.. mom offered them a ride home at like 11 something and christian said no go to sleep cause mom was wanting to go to bed but she was getting her keys and christian took off running down the street not wanting to inconvience her.. damn cool. Javi stayed though and we hopped in the truck and my leg was against Javi.. ha ha I think he's a bit scared of me ^^' xD they are too young to be messing with but I can't help it, my hand went striaght to his head xD I love hair. But yea.. .he let me.. eeye.. damn lol .. but yea I told javi to go see if christain was there and he wasn't so we drove all the way back to my house and around the block and came back to his house and chriatian was home and he said he was hiding at the school taking a piss xD lmao But damnit I have work in the morning.. and.. Brook.. he wrote me back... .. I'm so nervious.. .. .. umm.. you have to .. well it's in order:




Well, you have my e-mail address now. ... make the next step.


...



~buda

________________________________________

Well then.........believe it or not I've be thinking of you but believe what you want.
The reason why I didn't talk to you in the beginning why I didn't talk to you was I promised Craig and family comes first to me so if you don't like it "Sorry".
To me family comes first nothing else comes in front. Thats how it started but i couldn't cause it's not my way even though it's family. So here is that porm i wanted to give you so......... You and I
Many miles we've traveled, Leaving trails of tears, And common fears, And echos of our laughter, Can still be heard, We've shared our thoughts, Our hearts and our souls, And received, Only love back tenfold, Each step we took, Was besides, Never in front or behind, When one faltered, The other carried, And we never complained, At the inconvenience, Unspoken, Our dreams were the same, Though we could not say them, Out loud, Forever, We will be each others, Best friends, And more, If the heavens allow, You and I

_______________

Brook I don't want old shit you be givin to other people, that doesn't even apply to us. "Sorry?" That's fucked up man.. family.. I couldn't ever become part of that? Do you know how hard it was walking away from you? Friday.. .. it was so hard. You were right there.. all I had to do was reach out and I could of touched your face... it was so hard turning my back to you.. ... I feel like a damn Bitch, fucking dog. Kick them and abuse them and fucking they'd still come up to your feet all loving again. I've pushed everything I've heard about you aside and believed nothing unless it came from your mouth. So what was I supposed to do when you stopped talking? Start guessing. There was nothing I did that should of made you treat me the way you have. I was nothing but straight up good to you and you just brushed me off. I understand that family comes first.. but who said I never wanted to be part of that?



... .... .. me and Lenka was looking at stars tonight... ... I miss him.. I'm thinking of him.... I want him...

Close the World |

:: 2004 16 October :: 12.50 pm
:: Mood: happy/fine/bit tired and face is ichy

Today has been CRAZY! So much has gone on!!!!

.. gosh.. first I'm woken up at around 9 something close to 10 by my brothers voice bitching bitch bitch bitch this and that fucking asshole.. finnaly got up once he shut up and was called into work for 11! I got there at like 11:20 since they called at 10:30.. damn. .. Went there and .. me and Jon was buttin heads and we was B.U.S.Y. and just god.. alot of shit ... why did I ever think that dude was cute? He's ugly! .. just damn and when we finnaly got empty around 2 something when Jon was leaving I had him sit down so we can talk because he said he didn't know what happened but I just turned into a bitch.. .. and I was like 'I was thinking the same bout you' and we sat down and I just.. he said I was tripping way too much and said I needed to just chill and lay back and I was like 'I did! And look what had happened! Justin showed up!" ... and he was like 'cha' and it's .. damn he said 'well i don't want to be waisting my time' and got up to leave, i was like damn. So I followed him and (so nichole couldn't hear) I was like.. I don't know Jon.. I guess all of this just shouldn't of started.. and he was like yeah, 'nothing' .. I mean damn.. .. Jon asked me what Justin had said and.. I said that he was saying bout respecting other bros girls and Jon said 'what? appreicating a girl who's man is giving her no respect?' and.. i mean... it was crazy today and that just bearly starts it off.
Well, CC and TT came in. Jeff's aunt I think and mother.. maybe.. it's his half sister.. or something I dunno, but we talked for a while and Shay got in trouble for last night. A week of not going anywhere for each minute being late, they said she was five minutes late. But it was cool. Shit I made alot of money.. damn.. I made like close to $50 tonight. I have $100 in my wallet.. ^^ ... I was on my toes all night. Fast fast fast! Turned out Nichole was going to my town to probably pick up some weed. Found out she smokes! Damn? So yeah she gave me a ride home, she was like 'hurry up buda!' and it was awesome! It's like we were friends.. it was cool. We... went to Gasmart... so I could break up with Brook...

I had called and I was like 'is brook working?' 'who is this?' I was like 'is brook working?' and I heard someone say 'who is it?' and I could tell it was brook, i know his voice, and so they was like 'may I ask who's call?' and I was like 'is brook working tonight' and they hung up.. .. so.. we got in the car, Charles didn't talk to me at all tonight ^^' damn. I'm tellin yea tonight was crazy. Well, we was driving and I told her go by the drive through and I saw him, and she said that her window doesn't roll down I was like I'll walk up to the window and she was like 'I dont' care i'll open my door' so.. .. we was pulled up there... .. and.. the door was open and.. we waited... .. and.. I was so .. soo nervious.. and.. he finnaly comes to the window and.. he was like 'who may I help you' and .. i leaned down so he could see me and he saw and was like 'oh.. ' .. and.. nichole is so funny xD she was like before we got there 'what should i get! what do you want! blah blah blah'! it was halrious! .. But yea.. and I was like 'can you talk?' and he was like 'nope' .. his hair was buzzed... iick.
... so he was getting her drink and I was like 'nichole i'm gonna go out to the window and when i talk to him drive off ok?' and she said she'd just close the door, the back window was open but it was cool. So I got out and was hiding by the window so he couldn't see me and I saw, in the reflection of the window, sonny high as hell. .. but yea.. i was so nervious.. and.. here he comes and I hold that little window open.. and.. he hands her the soda and... she shuts the door and I look at him and he says' wad up' and I was like 'I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore' and he was like, he nodded a bit and he said 'yeah i kinda figured, that understandable' and.. I was just.. like.. all .. just.. i miss him so much and he was right there... and his voice and everything.. .. he was right there.. i wanted to touch his face so bad.. i'm about to cry right now just thinking about it.. .. and.. i was just.. shaking my head.. and he was like 'i heard that you would, from a little bird at beesson's' ... charles or jose no doubt.. but yea.. and I asked him why the Cage was closed and he said cause some little kids was in there when they weren't supposed to be and that he was glad he wasn't there that night or he would of gotten in trouble.. and he said 'as you can tell by my hair cut, my health is getting worse' and... just.. I mean.. he was trying to grow his hair out.. I dunno... .. but.. I was like 'what is up brook? damn man.. why you treating me like this?' and he was like 'i know, i'm sorry baby it's just i gotta lot of stuff going on'.. .. baby... ... When I said I said I didn't want to be his girl friend anymore.. he just took it.. and .. it was like.. his look.. was like when my mother talks to him.. serious and just taking it in .. taking his punishment.. .. ... just .. so blank.. .. and I was just shaking my head.. and.. he said 'you could talk to me on the internet now, i'm always on it researching' and I was like 'what is your e-mail address' and he got a paper bag, which is next to me, and wrote two yahoo's down.. ... handed it to me and I touched his finger tips.. I missed him so bad.. .. .. and. he said.. 'well i got pizza's burning over there' and.... then he said 'it's good seeing you though.. i missed you' and.. .. I just... why the hell is he going to say that! WhY! ... it was so hard.. walking away from him.. so hard.. so so damn hard... ... I was like 'well you .. still want me back?' and without hesitation he said 'yeah' and I was like 'prove it' and that was it.. and I told him he knew where to fine me, how to get ahold of me that it wasn't hard.. and.. I said bye .. he said bye and I walked around that car and we left.. and boooy did nichole get onto me! She was like 'you stupid bitch you didn't break up with him! ' and I was like 'yes I did!' and she was like 'no you didn't! oh do you want me back?' and XD ha ha she wa slike' i heard you!' and ha ha it was funny but yea... .. .. Damn.. I .. ... I want to know what is up with his heath.. .. I just.. want him... I miss him..

Kylee was waiting for me at home so when I got there she ran to me after anoucing to everyone that 'buda' was home.. haha.. so cute. Lenka's right, Family's family.. Dad was like 'ah man you missed it' and mom was like 'yea you missed it' and said that my boys came by in a white car yelling for 'buda buda' and I wa slike waht? Who? When? What!? And I was thinking, Javier and Joey and Kyle yelling, I could see Kyle and Joey yelling my name driving by and Javi just in the back. Ha ha but they said they started at the end of the block drivin real slow and then when they got to the house started yelling lol and I was like 'aww man' lol and then I heard foot steps in the road and we had the door open and people it's like 9 o clock and I look out the door see a orange glow of cigerate and a tall figure and a short one, i go outside and was like 'javier?' and they stop and I was like 'javi! joey! comehere guys!' and they jsut stand there and I was like 'dont make me come get you!' And Kylee all goes out there and was like' don't make buda get you!' and ha ha it was cool they came walking up! I couldn't believe it. I sat down and introduced kylee to them and stuff and she was climbing on our porch pole and wanted up so I lifted her up and javi was like 'who is your little friend?' and I was like 'my neice' So I'm casing Kylee around the yard and the guys just sit on the steps, mom comes out and i introduce them and stuff and I asked them if they was the one driving by yellin my name and Javier laughed and was like 'it was me' and XD turns out they was in joey's car and javi yelled for me XD ha ha cool. But damn.. to skip some shit.. we got a soccar ball and we all four was playing and then sis came out and mom too and sis played with us some.. (oh when kylee got off the poel she wanted up higher and i told her to go to javier that he'd lift her up and he was like no i'll walk away and he was holding a CD and I was like put the CD away! joey hold it! come'on! And i was like kyleee go go and was pushing her some and she wa sall looking up way high lol and javi walked away from her and came back and had joey hold the CD and I was like' go on kylee, h'ell lift you up' and she all took a step and I was like 'aww look now she's scared becaus eyou're so tall' and he was like 'no i'm not tall' and crouched down and lol was going to pick her up too! he is nice, but she didn't go to him lol too scared) Sis left and dad was introduced to him and asked them why they was yelling lol. It was funny. So we was just sitting down and i sat next to javier, it was fucking frezzing out side.. cold cold cold. And.. javi wanted to light a smoke and i took his lighter, well he kinda resisted but let me take it and i put it in my shoe ^^' But I was all over javi ha ha touching him when i got the chance, i know one of them likes me, I think both do ha ha because joey was glaring at javi alot.. but yea it was cool, soon joey just stood on the ground while we was next to each other and I was sticking my hands down javiers shirt and he said they was like ice, i have very tiny hands lol I put my hands up against javiers and his were like atleast 2 inches longer than mine XD like brook's hands! Y_Y that's what I was thinking about.. but yea.. I was beating those guys up. Kicking them pushing them and they was letting me.. ^^ so javi asked my mom for a light through the screen door and mom came out and gave him a light.. ha ha and I was like before that to say please mrs buda's mom and he said thank you mrs buda's mom and joey didn't xD and then javi smacked his head and was like' i just did what you told me to do' ha ha.. it was cool So those idiots were trying to burn each other so I was all hitting them and shit making that cigerate go everywhere and remember that lighter? I lost it XD ha ha I forgot it was in my shoe. But yea. I was all kicking javier and was all standing on him and shit, dude is huge. But it was awesome. He wanted to borrow the phone so he could call home so his mom wouldn't worry about him but dad was on the internet so.. oops no calling.. but yeah.. joey just turned around since i was all touching javier and shit ha ha I stuck my hands down javi's shirt again and he just crossed his arms over his legs and laid his head down and.. I ran my fingers in his hair. .. damn he has some fucking soft ass hair.. ass hair ha ha wouldn't know about that but.. damn.. I was playing with his hair and joey turned around and i wa slike' what?' and joey just turned around again and didn't say a word and i mean this boy was running his mouth off just eariler. .. but yeah.. he just.. didn't move an inch.. just.. whatever.. i was all rubbing his head and even messing with his hears and the side of his neck... thinking of how brook always squirms.. and.. nothing from this guy.. but yeah. Joey said he was leaving and it was like 11 now lol and so Javi said he was goin gwith him because his mom was gonna either bitch at him or go looking for him.. ... javier said when i was looking for his lighter in the morning that i might see him walking down the street and i'll have to yell 'javier, come over there pleeease' they XD was making fun of my pleease last nightXD mocking me like hell man damn! It was cool though.. I make'em laugh.. I think maybe they are just laughing at me...

Javi is cool.. I think was made joey jealous.. I was like 'I can't help it I like Indians, sorry joey' it was funny.. but .. poor joey, hopped he dind't like me because i made it more then obvious i was not interested in him, but javier ^^'

Javier was nicer to kylee then joey and joey was too.. blah blah little kiddy then javier was.. and.. it was cool though. I hope I see them tomorrow but I work in the morning at 12 so yeah...

I found his lighter.. I'ts in my room now ^^' oops that is funny. OH and his morning the blow dryer was broken so I had to go next door and borrow that old lady's one, coleta, it's like waaaay old, 60's or something XD it's like a damn leaf blower man! I like i though!

... crazy crazy day...

Javi and Joey was kinda nasty. ok alot nasty.. but I think javi is alot different when not around other guy friends .. all guys are like that... :\

.. now what two do I have on my mind?

Javier and Brook


.. I miss him

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 15 October :: 12.29 pm
:: Mood: happy/bit tired

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

We got busy today damnit and here walks in Anton, Javiear, Joey, and Kyle, "what time you getting off and want us to pick you up?" and I was like xD damn Javiear! I like him. He is 15, tall, Indian/Mexican and just doesn't talk and is mysterious .. I guess I'm drawn to the bad ones. I always see them walking around smokin... but yea Javiear and Joey went out while Kyle and Anton waited for me to talk to them and I said around 8:30, so they could help. So they left and 8:35 I'm all trying and trying to get done and I made like $30. Yea well anyway they all walk in and then Everyone leaves but tone since he is the only one gonna help me. So we get shit done and I told Charles that 'ton would help him with the trash and he said 'naw I got it' Jealllous, plus he wanted to know were I was going tonight xD ha ha ha damn! He seemed.. like he was really thinking about something, something was bothering him but he wouldn't tell me and I didn't pry because I was busy getting out of there and I left before they were done because a guy had to come spray for bugs. But yea we go meet the girls at Sears parking lot and it's like 9 before we got out of Beeson's and I was sitting next to Joey and I think they was trying to feel me up -_-' just once though, TRIED, I didn't let them the freaks. But yeah those guys were cool, I was really surprised. Went to the Kage and it was closed and they found out another place was closed so we went to circle K and was just waiting and I called Ashley on matties cell phone and she asked how my birthday went and she gets her car tomorrow and there was no clubs (there was 11 of us, mattie, roxe, shay, jessica, patina, lenka, anton, me, kyle, joey and javiear) it was cool They was all smoking though and Lenka smokesXD ha ha that waht they was telling me but we ended up going to an arcade at a movie place but they was closed so we go to wal mart XD ha ha it was cool though. Javiear went off to this gir lnamed sabina who is at school, 11 grade I think. But yea it was cool just being with them. I sat by Javiear the rest of the time after we went to sears ha ha I didn't want by joey because his leg was up against mine.. i tried that with javi but.. I don't know My arm was under his> he is so tall! And warm.. heh talks bout weed too much though. After wal mart we took kyle home after driving around Bulldog town looking for brook. I had talled Justin while at wal mart to see were scott's was at.. I know now were Brook is staying.. but yea all on the road the boys was like 'buda are you a virgin' cause they was asking each other and I said I wasn't saying nothing and they all said at the same time 'she's not!' eeye damn lol it was funny but I said NOTHING and anton was the only virgin according to them, retards god. Being a virgin believe it or not is a good thing.. I wish I could call myself one again..
we stoped at JT's to get some cigerates, I think it was oh no it was TJ .. I dont' know were the fuck we went, it was like 11 something and joey got out to get the 'goods' and some guy met him in the yard and the boys was like wtf goin' on and so ton's got out and then kyle and javiear and I was like 'hey you guys keep an eye on the car ok?' cause i wasn't leaving i was staying in the car and i was like 'you hear me javi?' and he's like 'what?' i was like 'keep an eye on the car please ok?' and he was like 'ahh no' and I was like 'pleease I don't want to get kiddnapped or something' and he was like 'ahh no maybe yes i dont' know 'and shut the door, all I saw was figures.. tall dark figures of people on a wooden porch. Turns out when the guys came back that they was smoking weed eailer.. I dunno.. but I made them crack the window when they was smoking xD i was the only one not smoking ha ha it was cool. Those guys are fun, I'm glad I rode with them. It was fun. Javiear is Christians brother.. the little short NDN that plays really good basket ball? Ring a bell? But we dropped him off and joey was going inside so I was like 'can i come too?' and javiear was like 'if you want to I don't care' and so I was all going! (ok we went to gasmart too and i had called it eariler to see if brook was there and he wasn't and so anyway javiear was all reading my dew drop inn american eagle shirt and pinched it and pulled on it, right above my bra strap... heh bout time he gave me a little feed back ^^) So yeah, walk in and he talks to his mom.. aww.. so cute.. he is a nice boy. They are really good guys.. I was so surprised.. and Christian was in his room watching Basketball (I heard that All Christian does is stay home and watches basket ball and that he was recorded and was on ESPN and is like scouted or something I dunno but christian is really fucking good) but anyway javiear was like 'christain, girl in the house put a shirt on' and I was like 'oooOO noo' xD lmao and I was all looking around and saw the door open and little christain (my height maybe a hair taller) without a shirt on! HOTT!!! OMG! He is hott! His body is fucking N.I.C.E.! he was all looking at me like wtf and then was gonig to close his door and I stuck my foot in the way while I checked him out and looked around. The lights was off but just the glow of the TV.. it was nice... he was nice I was all like can i come in and he said no and I said thank you and walked right in and he was like what are you doing and I was like lookign around ha .. yep looks like an NDN room... small crowded ^^' it was fun. I said goodnight to all of them because joey was staying the night with javi and christian and so anton was taking me home now (javi just lives striaght down the street like 4 blocks or maybe five. But we got to talking and he asked me if i like javi and i said yea that he was cool and he was like like like and i wa slike yeahh..an dhe was like 'i bet he'd date you' and I wa slike ... and he was like 'come'on i bet he would 'and i was like .. nawww don't say nothing and I was like 'so what have the guys said about me?' and he was like, when kyle went into beeson's what was his eyes on? I said the wall and he said no me, that when he got out of beeson's that he said 'damn, buda's hott! i never noticed it before untill now' ha ha .. but i mean damn that made my day and he was like 'dont you dare tell anyone i told you that!' and then he was saying a few days ago the guys were talking about how some of the girls got cuter over the summer and that iw as one of them xD ha ha ha cool. But yea.. ha XD the guys talk about me! damn that is cool. So yea I told ton's to talk to some guys and bring my name up and get some info XD ha ha ha and i was like 'but don't make it sound like -' and he was like I know I know what to do just chill and it was cool. Hey said he might be doing this all next week. The boys said they'd rather of just stayed home but nahh... and at wal mart you know how they have those demo's with one controler? well i played tekken and was kicking some ass XD ha ha
i had fun. I have work tomorrow and i want to sleep sleep sleep..

.. i'm hungry too and have javiear on my mind.. and christian.. damn.. i love INDIANS

Close the World |

:: 2004 13 October :: 10.08 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, Lenka just left. I was over at her house then we went to church together. Today at school Anton was talking about seeing Brook yesterday.. while Kyle really said about it because he was with Anton but I talked to Anton and he said that Brook hadn't even talked to him, hadn't saw him. He said he took Lance home too who was at GasMart. So at church I see Lance. I haven't seen him in such a long time. I asked him about Yesterday and if he had talked to Brook and he said he doesn't talk to him much anymore and the only time he sees him is when he goes to Gasmart... so no luck there..
We went to my house afterwards and ... just whatever. She wrote something in slovake on my wall that I can't understand .. (getting my ass in trouble at work with that waitress amanda.. charles did no kiss me again ha ha good but.. damn I don't know it's .. ::shrugs:: whatever) ..
Lenka is cool.. I'll be sad when she leaves...
... ..

Tomorrow we, Mattie, Shay, Lenka, Anton, Jessie... Jessica and I are suppose to go to the Cage tomorrow night.. they are leaving at seven but I get off at eight so I am having Anton wait till I get off of work to take me and lenka because he owes me a ride.. .. and I might stop off at gasmart or wherever and break up with brook.. maybe... everytime I think about it I get.. a hurt feeling in my stomach.. nervious.. ...
.. I dunno I .. don't want to break up with him but I think I need to.. and.. and.,. I just.. .. he is treating me like shit and I don't deserve it... so.. he can not like me as much as he's said in the past if.. he is being this way so.. he needs to grow up ... I dunno what I'm saying..


... ah... I don't know but i do know i have tones of homework to do..

Close the World |

:: 2004 12 October :: 11.12 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Marilyn Manson

Close the World |

:: 2004 11 October :: 11.16 pm
:: Mood: fine

-In a moment, everything can change, feel the wind on your shoulder- Hilary Duff.. Fly.. I like that song.

.. Just got back from Lenka's.. went into town today at like 2 something. Went to $Shop and Dollar Tree and the Mall for DDR and Long John Silvers and Hastings and WalMart.. we had fun. Got back around 7 and went to Lenka's.. just now got back.. ::sigh:: Lenka is cool. We both bought small white boards for our Kanji... we had fun it was fun. Mom is pissed off at me for walking home this late at night. I've said nothing unless she has said something to me and I get more yelled at. I can not stand this. Mom is.. oh my god. I can't stand her.
... I have so much fun.. when I am away from these 3 people... my brother, my mother and my father... ...
... Me and Lenka talked about me having ambition.. and how in America if you want to do something, do it.
Mom has put me on restrictions for one week. No mall.. what the fuck? Oh now she can punish me.. now I'm getting pissed. First she calls me at Lenka's and askes when I'll be home, I said I don't know but that I'd get a ride and she said when will I be home I said i don't know before one and she said hell no, (it was 10:40) and mom said it was a school night, since when did they fucking care? They don't. They just don't want the other parents thinking they don't give a shit... so she said before eleven... and i said no and she hung up. I called back and she said if i don't then i'll be on restrictions... so.. I walk home and.. bitch bitch bitch and .. I just.. am taking it and just.. saying something every now and then when she talks but I back talk.. Mom said if this keeps up she's moving.. I dont' care. I want to live on my own anyway.. with friends of course..
Mom is a bitch who doesn't want me to be an adult.. I can see it she won't except it. She said there is no reason why she should come home from work and there be dishes in the sink with 3 other adults in the house.. i'm an adult now? ... Yeah.
... I just.. damn.. ... I .. I hate having to depend on them.. I hate it... I hate the felling of being dependent one anyone.. I hate it.. it's disgusting.. I can't stand this feeling.. I have no choice and having no choice pisses me off even more.. ..
... I know, a, i, u, e, o, ka, ki, ku, ke, ko, sa, shi, su, se, so, ta, chi, tsu, te, to.. 20 characters... ^^ I'm so happy! .. it's getting hard though.. I need to study for my school..
... ah...

.. but i'm going.. i ... want to be indenpendent.

Close the World |

:: 2004 10 October :: 1.07 am
:: Mood: fine/bit tired

Notice what tiime it is? Yeah, I just got home from Lenka's -__- OOo those little boys, Jimmy, Connor and AJ are crazy. James was over there too along with Jeff. Jeff and John was playing a golf ps2 game. .. Jeff.. heh. God Connor said daddy you suck and then he said daddy you don't suck no more and Jeff spit out is tea all over his own arm and the couch.. he is like on something I think damn man he just laughs for no reasons xD retard. I hope he's clean.. I doubt it though.
Went over to Lenka's after work. Work was slow and it rained half the day. Charles got there and .. yeah he is way more comfortable with me now -.-' . After we were late for Risa's Lenka and my father ate at Beeson's and Lenka got to see Jon.. and.. I was ignoring him -_- he is not cute anymore in my eyes... charles; however, is. Risa was surprised we learned the characters so quickly. I learned there is like 160? And we know 15 ha ha sa, shi, tsu, se, so, ta, chi, tu, te, to I think are the ones I'm learning now, I know the s's though. .. yea she said to come over tomorrow but then left a message saying "I can no teach japanese tomorrow so tomorrow is nothing. I will talk to you to- i will see you later, bye" yea.. confusssing.
Jeff drove me home.. heh heh. I like him.. he's gonna be a good guy when he grows up I think, if he grows up and does it right...
Lenka and I have planned to go into town tomorrow. Don't know how great of a plan that will work out to be.. Risa wanted me to help her with her world history.. I don't know. I tried to but we had no time cause I had to go to work..
Mattie came to see me at work.. waiting on Jose to get off of his work so she could go see him... Don and Sunshine (brook's brother in law and sister) came in. They are really cool and nice. We didn't really talk.. I wanted to though.. umm.. I said, since they said they spoke with him today on his break, to tell brook that I said hi.. and she said 'oh i will'.. like she knew something.. I don't know.. I need sleep though...
.... Charles.. he's in a gang of course, wears red of course and.. anyway I had to wait on my ride outside and he did too and.. (well before.. Umm.. i went up in that top half of the building again and went inside this time and walked around and got into everything. I love it up there, but to make it short I put 2 beer cans in the windowsill and a picture so I could prove that I was up there ^^ ha ha it looks cool. So I tell charles to come outside to see, and he wouldn't so I said, 'don't you want to make me smile?' and he jumped right to it and went walking ha ha he really remembered) yea.. we was sitting and anyway he said he doesn't like wearing red so much anymore because everyone puts there heads down and quickly walks away, and ... I could see how because today he had on his silver chain necklace and a red jersey and this huge jacket with fur hood that made him look like an eskamoe ^^' yea.. cute I think. But yes.. we sat down and he just smiled.. so sweetly to me. He might of been mocking me since I had zits on my face -_- i need to stop picking them, they are more like scabs now xD ha ha
Can't help it.
... ... Luis is back.. anyone remember him leaving?
I can't help but miss Brook.. I'm still confused.. but I don't want to see him till my face clears up anyway..
I was asking the cards questions today and they said that I'd see Brook at the second half of this month with my parents in a car but that I could talk to him and it might be good and my parents are not going to be there when I talk with him and then I asked if it'd be a good talk and they said maybe.. and maybe maybe maybe, it refused to answer. So yea.. I dunno...
I asked the cards if he was thinking of me.. they say no always and then I say of Jon and they always says yes.....

... I keep typing/talking like Lenka!

Risa showed us many many pictures of her classmates. She says she lives 3 miles from her school and has to ride her bike. She also said she went to Tokyo by herself once and got lost because there are so many trains ^^'
Ok it's getting late and now I don't feel good. I'm too tired and have no food in me...

Close the World |

:: 2004 8 October :: 10.24 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit annoyed

Well, yesterday Lenka was supposed to come over so I could teach her Japanese but she kinda learned most of it at school, but I walked up to her practice at the school to get her and when we walked outside she walked her way which is opposite of mine and I was like "Lenka bye" and she was like "no you walk this way" and I was like 'but my house is way over that way!' and she is like 'No! You not know where you Live, I will show you! This way" xD ha ha she knows English VERY well, to be able to joke like that. But Yeah I went over to her house and we ate and was watching Furngullie ... and Jeff was there n.n hee hee yea ya know I was gamein him XD Eeeye. Me and Lenka played cards and I made Jeff play Lenka after he lost to me really really badly (he only had played like maybe 5 cards ha ha) and so I was leaning on a big stuff bean pillow next to him and was my head was right by his right knee (we was sitting on the floor) and I was handing him cards as he layed them down since he is reallllly slow. xD we lost the first one but won the second one and third! My face sometimes pressed on his knee heh heh heh >:} But yea.. I like Jeff, I always have. He just.. is too young.. he's growing up though ^^ But Jeff has his Algebra 2 and was working on it and so I went home and got mine and brought it over and was rather close to Jeff and we did some of it, he helped me really much because I played dumb a bit.. damn see how I'm talking? I'm talking like Lenka xD.
Naw but Jakeeta's grandfather in law is about to die.. .. oh well. I know it sounds mean, and I really did like him.. but.. why let it bother you so much? .. it makes me feel like shit but it's easier this way.
... Today at work.. was hell.. I was showing everyone what I could write and turns out some were stationed in Japan more then 40 years ago and knew some still! Ichi, ni, san, shi, go... I think shi could be four, I usually use yon. I know shishi is something too.. maybe seven.
Ah, anyway at work.. oh charles.. came and I usually tell him to smile for me.. but today.. I just was not in the mood and he told me to smile and I just looked at him.. and he said "I'll get you to smile" and I raised a browl and he was like 'later" and raised both of his XD eeeye what was that? Ha ha Yea so later I was like 'so what was you saying? you was going to get me to smile? how?' and he's like 'guess' and I was just.. whatever lol. So anyway he was like 'so what can i do to make you smile?' and i was like.. ehhh.. And then 2 old indian ladies and their 9 year old grand son came in and he was so so damn cute. Looked just like Brook.. ... .. damn I miss him.
But yea.. we was outside and I was helping him with the trash and.. he was walking behind me when we was walking back and I was like 'so how was you gonna get me to smile again?' and he was like, 'what did you have in mind?' and I was like I don't know you said it and he was like 'well I did have SOMETHING in mind' and he cocked a browl at me and.. yea... I was hoping for a hug but nope, nada, nothing, and he was like before we got inside 'well? what did you have in mind?' and i just ignored him. So Anyway right before we left he was like, 'so what can i do to make you smile, figure something out before tomorrow night' and I was like 'wha-?' and then nichole all came in and he was in a hush tone, 'well, what do you want me to do?' then outside, 'what do you want me to do' over and over and he's like 'come'on hurry tell me!' when I was just bout to get in the truck.. .. dork. ... but yea..
Turns out I work tomorrow at _12_ damnit meaning I go to Risa's (Lenka's comming too) at 10 and work at 12.. yea.. Jullie picked up the phone and I asked for Risa and she was like 'mushi mushi' .. xD eeye and I was like, Risa it's me, buda' and she was like 'oh sorry sorry, hello?' lmao she cracks me up. Can't understand her worth shit though xD Lenka really knows good english!

.. yep i'm getting to bed now.. well yea..

my teeth hurt.. i have cavities inside my teeth.. my sister has the same kinda and has holes all inside and around her teeth.. .. .. i just.. hope if he drills my teeth don't shatter and fall appart.. damni.. i'm gonna be pissed if i have to get them pull or capped..

Close the World |

:: 2004 7 October :: 12.15 pm
:: Mood: fine

Risa is awesome! Work was slow and it rained ALL day long. At work Charles came at 6 because the sink had broken and the dishes backed up .. yea.. but anyway when Nichole was in the bathroom I went behind him and just ran my hand through his hair and was all .. being who whooie about it and shit, like slow and tugging on it.. yea.. and he's like 'quit it' and I was like why and he's like 'because I'll get in trouble' and I was like, 'with who your girl?' and he's like 'no' and I'm like 'who?' and he's like 'with myself' and xD damn. But yea, that was the end of that xD oops. But yea. When I told Lenka about Risa Lenka freaked out! She wants to meet her too so she can learn Japanese! It's crazy.
After work went to Risa's with my mother. Boy is that a nice house. Well, turns out there is a little 11 year old girl there too, who seems pretty cool but is young and annoying trying to learn Japanese. I've found out that I say hard words she says, that no one uses anymore. I guess the polite versions. But she said I could already go to Japan and I'd be ok, yeah right lol. But she is teaching me how to read! I already know who to say and spell, a, i, u, e, o, ka, ki, ku, ke, and ko! I'm so happy! I'm going back over there Saturday at 10 untill I have to go to work at 2. It's awesome! I can wait till I show Lenka tomorrow! But yea, Risa doesn't like Spiders (kumo, I can see why spider is now spelt the way it is, ku, I've learned ku, not mo yet) or big dogs. Ha ha she is so tiny! Maybe comes up to my nose! She is awesome though, she's cute! She is so tiny though and just says wow everytime I say something in Japanese! She is kinda strange though, like watches you intently ^^',\\ possibly just giving me respect. It was cool, she was writing Kanji and that other little girl, I call her Jenny but her name is Jullie, was on the bed just copying down stuff and I was wondering what time it was and I couldn't see the clock so I was like, 'nanji desu ka?' meaning what time is it, and risa just looked up at jullie and was like 'what clock say?' and went back to writing and then looked up to me and was like 'hey, you spoke japanese!' xD it was awesome! She didn't even catch it! GREAT! This is awesome, problem is I've been working on my Kanji so now I need to get MY homework, shukudai. She is so excited about teaching me! I call her sempai and she said 'no call me friend, we are friends' ha ha but yeah. Senpai (for lonely jahreee) is a title for teacher I do believe so. But yes, she says she will teach me basic stuff first, which has turned out to be ok since I am understanding stuff. Quesiton I have is Aka, or red, is a and ka and I know a and ka and I'm wondering if you put them next to each other if you can just spell red but I'm not sure how to join them so yea, Saturday!
... yes yes school work school work. !!!

I'm so happy and excited!

I called Justin again just a bit ago and he said he'd try and call me back later tonight and if not then he'd talk to me tomorrow.

Thing is.. yesterday he called me back right after I got off the internet and we talked from like 10:40 till 11:40 and I told him I had to shower so he made me swear on Brook that I'd call him back. He said that when I stepped into the car that he could see in my eyes that I loved somebody, he didn't know who it was but he knew I loved somebody.. and he knows I love Brook. He told me "girl, you are trying to tame a wild mustang" and I was like, "ok I need to tie him up to a post for 3 days no food or water then right?" and he said "girl! You've been watching Spirit stallian of the cermmeron too much!" lmao ! He cracks me up! But we talked about his girl and how he loves her and stuff and a bit about Brook. Justin kept singing Indian songs, he's a singer in one of the tribal bands out here. But yea, so I called him back at like 12 and we talked till 2!! But he is awesome. All those fucking Indians talk alike! Really they do! Justin said Brook was creek but he grew up with comanches.. damn there was so much we talked about. He said that I had a great personality and then later he said, 'you know what, you are easily to get addicted to' and .. wow lol but he is cool. But yes I don't have to work tomorrow but I have alot of Geometry to do.. and I don't even know what else. -.-'

... Risa-sempai!!!!!!!!!

She said chan sounds like chum.. yeah.. strange huh? xD lmao.. but yea it's crazy.

She acts crazy sometimes and that Jullie girl.. is just crazy over me being there and just loves Risa and Jullie said I remind her of.. oh I forgot the name she called me, but a friend of her's thats 21 that never stops laughing, ha ha I can't help it XD!

.. man today.. was crazy. I need a car damnit. I hate it that other kids have rules in a house! Too bad she wasn't staying with me. I think my parents are thinking about hosting a exchange student now. I hate it when they act like they know everything.

Shit I'm tired.. I need sleep. God I need sleep.. .. damnit I'm taking a shower, ja mata.. .. yea.. she said it differently..

Nnn.. she also said Hiei was not a Japanese name.. o_O`?

Close the World |

:: 2004 5 October :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well... surprise.. Jon really did come! Called the house and said he was Chad to my mother and he said for me to go outside or something. So I did and mom and dad was getting ready to leave and I went out in the disguise of going to anton's and they came rolling up in a silver tahoe with 20 inch crome rims and I just KNEW I saw that car before... it was Justin. Anyone remember the guy who dropped Brook off that one time at Beeson's to see me who said if he ever got rid of me to call him up? .. yep, it was that guy.
I hoped in the back and Jon was like what's up gorgeous and I was like all mouthing "i know that guy! BroOK! I know HIM!" and was freaking out and Jon was like, 'hey, my girl back here thinks your gonna tell her man about this little thing today since you know her man, but you know you should keep it on the low right?' and justin was like 'yeah yea keep it on the low I know, who's her man?' and I was like xD omg he doesn't remember!? and jon was like 'naw this is my man buda, we go wayyy back in the day right man?' and he was like yeah yeah and then jon was like 'she doesn't look familer?' and he was like nope, who is she and he was like 'buda, brook's girl' and he was like 'Ohhhhh man, shit we are gonna have to keep it on the low, man he's indian man, we brothers I dunno' and I was like awww shit! lmao! God but naw he was cool bout it. But man.. I was like 'i wanna talk to you more' so he gave me his number becaues we all started talking about brook and jon was like 'ain't he missing out. i know a beautiful woman when i see one, just look at her, just smell her' and I was like xD omg stop it jon! and Justin was all like 'man, i only got eyes for one girl man' and anyway, I called him like.. a long time later, like an hour becaue jon gave me a number to call so i could call him when my parents weren't home and .. yea.. but that number no one was picking up and so i called justin after talking to mattie and told her that a guy just came to see me and i didn't give her his name.. ... but man was he cracking me up! All these indians talk the same! God we was both cracking up! ha ha ha he is cool he kept saying i was too young for him and he was too old for me and just teasing me and stuff playing around and it was fun. He gave me his cell phone number too and said he talked to jon and told him to stop messing around with me because he respects a mans property.. and i said i did belong to brook and we talked about some of that and then out of no where he says i loved brook and i said yes and.. that it might because i lost myself to him, so he assumed he didn't get it out of me, and that when i girl does lose herself a fluid is made in the brain to make that girl think she's in love with that person. ... he said if what all the bad things i was saying about brook.. he said why the hell was i still with him.. that i could find another indian, but not just him ^^ he was really cool. He said I was loud and had a great personality.. I really think he's cool. He's 24 and took a piss while he was talking to me xD he also song some indian song's too! He is cool! He said you'll know an indian is yours when they take you to a pow wow... and he asked me if brook had taken me to one .. and i said no that he had talked about one but i didn't go with him and.. he said 'oop, it's over' XD and he was just playing around and it was just awesome! ha ha but yeah. My parents got back and said they saw my fathers VA's nurse and said she is hosting an exchange student from Japan xD just outside of Tokyo! She is going to teach me Japanese! She is just younger then me and lives in Bulldog town! Only 13minutes away! I talked to her on the phone and she said I spoke good japanese and her english sucks ! haha and I'm gonna go over there tomorrow after work.. wow.. it's just crazy.. her name is Risa, like Lisa but Reesah.
... Justin said he'd talk to Brook and I said i wasn't sure.. i didn't want to make him mad. He said he respected me for staying with him and shit.. and.. just.. it was awesome. We talked for like an hour ha ha it was funny...

.. but yea.. I need to get to bed. Been bearlying making it to school in the mornings on time...

Oyasumi

Close the World |

:: 2004 4 October :: 11.25 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Papa Roach-Getting Away With Murder CD

Close the World |

:: 2004 3 October :: 7.39 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, gave my parents $90, and my paycheck, which they'll get tomorrow, of $45. Idiots have to pay an eletric bill tomorrow morning before 9 ... I gave them my money I was saving for my car too.. it was only $25 though -_- I still have $9 for my lunch, however.
Work with Jon was.. odd. Got a hug first off, I told him to feel my ass and see if he felt anything different, and he's like 'is it firmer?" I fucking craaaaaaaaaacked up! Lmao god what an Idiot! I was like no idiot I'm wearing a thong and 'feel feel' he's like Ohhhh lmao it was funny. Bu.. it was busy today.. got my Avon too and talked to a guy friend on the phone whom I looove talking to ^^ he's cool, lives in Penn o_~ ^^ Yea.. but.. Jon man.. he said we need to find out a way to see each other and.. Tuesday I'm off cause my parents are going somewhere and.. yea.. found out they are leaving at 4 and Jon said he'd pick me up from school XD ha ha ha damn he was fucking planing shit, and I'm all cool with it. I said if he see's a white probe stay away or the truck stay away and he said if I find a newspaper on the front porch to know that I was there xD dork. But yea man damn ... he had it all getin the kinks out of it .. he knew what he was doing XD damn make me feels like he's done this before >_< ...Man if Jon does come over... he's gonna.. want sex I'm sure.. man he's gonna be alll over me.. .. I'll let him aslong as.. he doesn't try to fucking rape me -.-' ^^ maybe he'll bring some drinks! I hopes so. .. .. but .. if.. I was thinking about it.. how.. I'd let Jon.. umm.. "have" me.. but.. then I was thinking.. I'm not a virgin but not broken in and how I want Brook to be the one to break me.. I can't help but still think about him. Speaking of which, today I told Jon that I wrote a long ass letter (he still hasn't written me) about Brook and mines relationship and it was the thing I wanted to talk to him about and have him stay late so I could of dropped it off that one night but I still have it and I said that I needed to ask him how he wanted our relationship to stay.. if he wanted it to stay as it was or get deeper as in converstation and our lives wise and I said how I felt it wasn't fair to him to be bringing my boytroubles to him and he said "yea, thank you I'm glad that you asked that" and I was all happy thinking he wants to know and then he adds "I'd like to keep our relationship as it is" and I was just.. I felt my heart drop a bit and... I was like "Jon! You hurt my feelings!" and he's like what? How? And he' slike oh you took it wrong! And then explained something like.. wanting to take it slow and.. just.. he did want to get closer but is cautious to.. and I understand. I'm glad I never sent it.
On another Brook note, walked to church today and no one was there so went up to the school since there were alot of cars and Lenka said that she had practice Sunday so couldn't go anywhere so I just strolled right in and sat down with the girls on the bench and watched them practice and Patina said she saw my man yesterday. She was all like 'are you still going out with buda?' and he said yea that he hadn't called me in like 2 weeks and I keep calling him at work and I was mad.. but she was all cracking up. She always is. Like she's comming off it or something, she always crackin up. But yea. He said that he partied with Vernen this or last weekend and this and that and.. man it's bullshit. He told her he's trying to find a place and doesn't want to get arrested because I'm under aged.. I was like Bull SHIT and she cracked up man that pisses me off.. under age.. bull fucking shit.. he ain't never cared about that.. jerk.
Been watching GateKeepers 21 on tech tv.. it's pretty clean, I like clean anime. Nice and crisp graphics. Cools. ... but yea.. Jon .. was all .. rubbing up on me and.. just.. he pecked me on the lips and then began to suck on my lip and I pulled away (this was when everyone was at work) and I was like no no nooo lol and he's like 'yea man, don't want it to get hott?' and I nodded and he all walked away and went "whew buda you got my heart pumpin' xD ha ha I don't know.. I.. I'm likeing Jon less.. I guess when you want something and get it.. once you get it the.. rush of wanting it goes away and.. it's like it doesn't matter anymore.. Now who warned me of that one? -.-'
It's just strange.. I still want Brook but.. I just.. it ain't right him teating me this way but he does have alot ALOT of shit to be doing..
Found out Friday Anton was taken to foster care.. him and all his ciblings. Child abuse. They are I think going to have to move in with their grandparnts in another town.. if his parents can't get them back. His mother hits everyone and Nick, the little cute guy I like, called it in... and.. yeah.. It's aweful... anythony.. I hope he doens't try to kill himself. He already cuts himself, drinks.. I just.. I really need to talk to him.. he has.. so much pressure on him.. damn.. it's aweful.
Saturday night.. I worked with Charles.. and.. damn.. Jon.. Brook and Charles now.. I like charles.. I really do.. he's so cute ^^ but .. yea.. he was.. just flirtin with me all night and I was flirting more right back.. .. and.. went I bend down to get the broom behind the refridge he all goes 'daammn' lmao and so now when I get the broom I call his name xD and he watches lol naw it was because this one time I got the broom and saw him looking at me and he's like 'aww i missed it, do it again?' and I was like "charles!" and he all cracked up and I said real softly "if you say please" lmao xD he craked up. So did I. But yea.. I say his name now.. ha ha. It's cool. But yea.. it was fricking COLD that night and so I went outside with Charles to get ice and.. he all was watching my ass as I got it, I could tell. But he is so cute. He looked like a killer cook because he had on an apron and then his jacket over it with his hood on lmao it was cute. XD I laughed at him and he gave me the finger and said fuck you. He cool ha ha .. but now when we took the garbage out, well I was filling up the mop water and he went out the door and it's a glass door and looked at me and just waited, and I mouthed, "want help?' and he nodded and so I was like "wait a minute' and he all just stared at me and started dragging it and I ran to the door to help him and so we was going and I was like 'slow down i'm fucking out of it' and so he did and.. he always... is so .. quite and kind and laughs and i just love it.. he is so damn cute.. and so we dumped it and was going back and he was infront of me and I really wanted to tell him i liked him, not like he would do anything so why not. So I was like 'charles, you're pretty cool' and he was like 'I know it' and he had slowed down to look at me and I was like 'charles! you're supposed to say i am too!' and he all stoped and waited on me and put his arm around me, yes folks charles, mr physo about touching, put his arm around me and pulled me into him and (one arm people, trash can in his left hand ha ha) and I guess he said you're pretty cool too or something like mocking me i can't remember but, it wasn't .. like he didn't hurt me.. ususally guys are too rouch but he was just warm and.. Ooo I liked it and quickly put my arm on his back and he pushed me away and said 'there now get the fuck off me' and I was like 'whyyy' and he was like 'she said why ha ha' and I was all behind him and smiling and he didn't say anything and I was like' chalres' and we was at the door 'you know I like you' and he didn't turn around he just kinda slowed and went inside and I knew, I knew he heard me... but yea.. ha ha .. he is cute and he touched me so.. we easing our way up there.
... .. shit there is alot more i'm leaving out.. ah... chalres.. and jon.. tuesday.. Lenka.. Anton.. anton.. shit.. god.. ... ah... school.

Close the World |

:: 2004 29 September :: 9.07 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, .. was bout late for school again. I need to get to bed early damnit. ... my avon is in I just need to pick it up.. church went fine.. and for some reason I can't remember what Brook said he was doing today... Lenka has been sick.. this is the 3rd day. ... Ton and Amanda ain't doing so hot.. idiots.. ... but.. it's crazy.. I dunno but Anton wanted to give me a ride home for church but I wanted Bethany to take me because I wanted to talk to her. Turns out she isn't talking to that guy she was gonna marry anymore, what an idiot she is. But .. Anton took me and he wanted to borrow my psx memory card.. we talked.. and.. today.. Mattie was crying in school and.. turns out Jose said that he doesn't want a serious relationship now.. .. I wrote her a letter and she wrote me back thanking me for being there.. but.. yea.. I told her.. about that "he might have issues" ha ha using other people's words and taking credit for it ^^',\ gomen you know who you are. (gomen=sorry). .. but.. Anton took me home and we talked a bit his little bro in the back seat and.. we talked bout brook some.. and anton said why don't I just dump his ass for treating me the way he is.. and.. I said .. wouldn't you want someone to come back to after going through so much.. and I tried to .. make excuses for brook about his work and his family and this and that and Anton was .. it's cool.. I like talking to him and .. it surprised me .. because .. he said .. he didn't care when it was.. just for me to think about it and if I needed a ride into DDR town to.. just tell him and he'd do it... .. and.. It made me happy.. and.. I just.. I don't know.. I'll.. see when Brook gets off Saturday. I work and I can walk to Antons car and stay in his car until I see Brook get off.. Anton gets off at 12 .. and.. well.. he can give me a ride home then.. . .. I'm not sure what to say to him...

.. tomrrow Kylee we are supposed to be watching.. Joy right? We might be going bowling and eating for my birthday.. I dunno..

I've eatten too much.. feels so weird not having anything to do.. ... I wanted to go to work.. It's just.. I needed something to do... ..

...

Close the World |

:: 2004 28 September :: 9.26 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, David came by today. Remember? Daniels (amy's boyfriend) brother? Well, yea. flirrrrrtin. But I was talking alot to him asking what was up and he talked about some boring shit and then Hooters o_O` But anyway Chalres was there and I went back there and he's like (I didn't know charles was 20!) He said 'you better go out there we know he ain't here for the food' I hit him lmao but anyway Charles doesn't like that guy cause he likes to get drunk and talk to little girls. I said 'you callin me a littlegirl?' and he said yes xD hit him again! But yea, he left me 3 bucks... he all was like 'how often do you get tipped 3 bucks for one person?' and tring to act all cool N shit and I was like 'cha, whenever a GUY comes in ALONE' ha ha but yea. He got the drift. I didn't even mention brook though.. I'm sure that surprised him. ... not today at all.. No Brook word out of my mouth.. Chalres.. I dunno.. he is cool he was high today though. He wasn't as fun as Yesterday.
Turns out Jakeeta made a list of shit I didn't do, complaints -.-' like a bill of rights man, complaints against the king ^^',\ even though i'm no where near that high up ha ha ha but I dunno, nichole told me bout it XD bitch! God Tracy didn't fill up nothing! Not even the ice machine! And I didn't say a thing! Tina doesn't fill shit up either! .. man did it make me made AND I have to work Friday now... ... she said not to fuss about it either... ...
School was fine.. speaking of school Ashley is failing German and has an F in history so no going over thrusday for me I think.. pisses me off because no show Brook...
... ... would it be stupid for me to say that I want to stay with brook and wait for him to become not busy and.. stay with him... even if I don't talk to him ... for a week or so at a time? ... would it? .... would it be wrong to really want to still be here for him... I .. I can see how i can be busy with school and he with work and his .. own issues.... it'd be a great feeling to know someone is still there wanting you... ... ... I want him to feel I am that.. .. I want him.. I still want him.. .. I miss him... There is no way he could of just.. lied and acted the way he did.. not in his eyes... no I won't believe it.. all that I love you and shit he said I'm here for you Bethany said he'd said the same to her.. and all the other stuff.. but.. even if it were lies.. it's inside him and those are things he truly wants.. wants to say to someone and mean it and keep to it.. and.. I just.. .. .. .. I miss him.. I ... I do..

...


I have way lots of homework.. and teeests buddy.

.... .. someone told me they think Brook has issues that have nothing to do with me that he needs to sort out and then we can work things out between us.. but that it wouldn't be pretty... I think he's right.. .. but how can I remember all this when I see Brook?

I never can....


.. .. I have work to do..

4 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 27 September :: 10.23 pm
:: Mood: pissed

everyone EVERYONE Oh we saw your boyfriend with his friend Creg Saturday blah blah and mattie comes up to me 'oh and one more thing Jose forgot to tell you. Brook told Jose to make sure to tell you that he doesn't see you and him together in the future anymore' I was pissed.. I'm crushed. He is such an ass.. I can't believe it. I called Gasmart and I HEARD him say he didn't want to talk to me bastard so they said he was busy and Carrie tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. So what do I do? First I call autum to see if she could pick me up but no one answered and then I called Creg... I pleded with him to call but he said he could talk to him later that night, he promised he'd try.. and then I said he could call Gasmart and I gave him the number and.. He promised to call me back and the phone rang and.. it was Brook. "don't bring my brother into this. I don't appreciate it and neither does he" and I was all like wtf oh well what am I supposed to do! you gave me his number anyway! and he said oh well and .. if I don't like it oh well because it was how things were, he was busy now and he doesn't have time for anyone not even his family and I said shouldn't I be different and he said, sorry you're not. ... .. and.. just.. Carrie told me he doesn't work tomorrow and.. I asked him to come see me and he said he'd try.. I know he won't.. ... he is suspended tomorrow, wednesday and thursday from work. It's his own fault. He called in Saturday to see if Mike would cover for him so he could go to the festival with Creg and Brook also said he was getting tired of what I was hearing from everyone around me.. .... .. He said he was supposed to be at the Cage all day Thursday.. He also said that he missed his sisters bithday and his brothers birthday and his own birthday was comming up that he was gonna miss. Hint hints that he didn't give a fuck about mine. .. I'm so hurt.. I don't know why I feel so crushed! .. I'm crying right now.. ... He is thinking about going with Creg.. to fl, cal, then canada and this and that and .. he's dancing at Pow Wow's ... and.. .. .. ... ... I'm crushed... ..... I truly am crushed.. So.. .. hurt...

... I called Ashley.. told her my birthday was Thursday (I'm off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) and that I needed to chase my boyfriend to the cage so I asked if I could stay with her Thrusday.. she said okay mom ain't too hott with it but I said that she called me to say happy birthday and oh well i'm going. ... ... ..

... . watch him not be there...

... ... bastard.. god.. why.. .. ah I'm not even gonna ask.


Charles and I was flirtin like hell today, He was sobering up and was really hyper and wanted to get high. I said for him to stay that way, that he was cute sober.. and.. he just.. was crazy today it was awesome.. he is nicer.. nastier but he was funny and apologized.. said sorry.. and was louder and faster at washing dishes and it was great he was really fun. We was slow as hell so we just goofed off... .. .. It was strange... I was talking about Brook and... he said "why do you keep talking about brook?" and I said why not and he said because it was inapropriate... surprise for me. I felt bad. (oh I also called Creg back and apologized and thanked him.. he sounded really annoyed) .. I dont' know what is up with Chales.. Jon also calle.d. talked to me and said he had to send a FedEx thing to someone and my letters got sent too on accident with it so I don't know I was just in my own world so whatever but I work with him Sunday from 7-2...
... .. I just.. want to cry.. I just can't believe it.. ... ... I can't believe it.. ... .. .. . .

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 27 September :: 12.18 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin

Close the World |

:: 2004 25 September :: 12.45 pm
:: Mood: fine

... we didn't go.. Jessica and Shay couldn't and Mattie was ready so she came over and she is spending the night. She is in my room talking to Jose on her cell phone. We went running around the streets at like 10 and knocked on shays window and we (her me and mattie) went next door to lenka's because jeff was over there and knocked on the windows and ran and I fell xD ha ha and we ran a block and walked around and came back did it a gain twice and booked it. And then the thrid time we got chased by jeff and james XD ha ha it was cool. Then me and mattie went to lauras and .. it was ok and then we was talking on the phone with jose still walking around.. he was at gasmart.. and.. (before i three wayed brook on the phone and he said he didn't and the guy said and i quote don't want to talk.. so... ) So Jose asked brook what was going on and .. he said that.. he wasnts or doesn't want opitions he wants facts and this and that.. and it's like wtf. I deserve more not him. .. then.. we got home and jose called again (i'm giving them pivacy now) and i talked to jose and he said that brook said that we got into a converstation and then in the middle brook got confused and was saying, i love you i miss you i'm sorry, that he didn't know what to say. Jose told me that i need to just go there and talk to him.. but brook doesn't talk to me on the phone so.. i .. am trying to find out how to get a ride up there.. and.. god.. i just.. .
.. why.. do I miss him.. i miss his body.. and.. i just.. .. all the stuff jose does for mattie.. .. it's .. i want it from brook and.. ... it's not gonna happen.. ...

I'm saving up money for a car now.

Jon called at work and he hasn't sent me a letter yet.. well mattie is off the phone now so.. i'll go too..
...

Close the World |

:: 2004 24 September :: 11.41 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit tired

Boy do I have a shit load to study for. Atleast I got my US History homework done. Now I just have to do Algebra 2 and Geometry... ::sigh:: school was fine. Turns out Shay, Jessica, Mattie (maybe Jose) and now me are going to the Cage tomorrow night.. undercover that is. I told my parents we'd probably go to moives and cyber bowling or something. I was easdropping and mom said if I screw up it's the first and last time. That and they have to have the lisence plate number and her phone number and type of car and blah blah blah fuck you. Man it pissed me off so bad I went out of my room and started bitching at them. They also want the places we are going and the time and I just know they are going to call the places and ask if we are there goddamnit I don't care. I'm going and that's that.
Brook called me at work which more then surprised me. EVERYONE is telling me to BREAK UP With him. Roxe, Amanda, Mattie mrs. marshal everyone. I mean damn. ... and I asked him "so whol told you to call?" and he's like "..no one damn" and.. said sorry for not calling me for 2 days (I guess he can't count) that his brother (Vernin, not really his brother) tried to kill himself. And I said "well don't ya'll D'O'L anyway?" (Death over Life) and he all stuttered.. damn.. I just.. didn't have anything to say. He said he'd be at the cage tomorrow night after he got off work, like around nine something.. and.. .. I just.. god I don't know. ....
Jon.. no letter from him yet.. probably tomorrow.. I'm thinking about waking up at 5:45am to call Beeson's and talk to him but.. .. Nnn... I don't think I will.
Ritsuko said Tuesday mornings at nine the Japanese meet and.. I have school so I'm screwed and she said they are all old anyway and won't want to teach someone anyway, but he was laughing a whooole lot, druggie? But yea she said she'd keep trying so.. I don't have really a choice other then to wait at the moment..

.. Damn.. I'm nervous about tomorrow night.. it's Friday night and we are abunch of 16 year old group of GIRLS (that's why I told Mattie to make sure Jose goes) so.. damn I'm just.. it's gonna be crazy and we gonna be out of place and UNWELCOMED...

My face is all broken out too.. just great.. damnit I just.. I don't know what to do with BrOOK! Goddamnit.. He's.. wrong.. bad.. an ass hole.. damn.. I just... OoO he pisses me off.

He was wondering why I wasn't talking on the phone and I said I was waiting and he said waiting for what and I said waiting for him to say something and he said what do you want me to say and I just.. said I didn't know. He said "what, i'm sorry? I love you i miss you fucking ass hole'' then ''oops didn't mean to say that'' he was hyper as hell too.. I just.. ... why ... why is he treating me this way when at the beginning he was so different? What is it that's going on in his life.. ..
I've talked to many old guys at the cafe and asked them about when they were 21.. they said that's the age guys start to grow out of things and start to realize things...

... ... ..damn..

I called Brain he said I do'nt have to call everyday .. it was cute. He is such a dork.. well.. I just.. told him I'd wait for his call..and I think he's feeling the same from me.. first impressions were good, keep it at that and drop the convo's and just forget bout each other lol I dunno hell if i know.


Hell if i know anything!

Close the World |

:: 2004 23 September :: 11.54 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, my room is spotless now. Even rearranged it a bit. Got my black light hung correctly now too ^^ xD didn't get any homework done though >_<. No call from Brookie boy and I miss him.. Bethany was at church today (yes I remembered to go! There was a blood drive at school today too. I'll go ahead and give next year since I'm not 17 just yet. Anton gave blood but he moved and the needle went through his vein and they had to throw his blood out because they didn't get enough. Poor guy, he was bout to pass out too) Anyway she got that poem brook wrote me out of my wallet and read it and she said she had the full version at home -_-' what an asshole (brook). He must really get a kick out of himself... ::sigh::
But yea, found alot of recipts and added them up and got over $600, and that is just from the ones I FOUND. Ton's I threw away. Damn I could of gotten a car by now. So yes ladies and gents, it means I'm saving up my money for a car! (which will take forever with how I spend money).
Brian.. eee I'm not sure if I want to talk to him anymore.. maybe as just a friend but.. eee.
Mattie's bout to kick Brook's ass and bitch him out whenever she see's him and I have a frew more people who are about to too. It surprises me.. I don't know if they care or just want something to do or have something against him... but still I'm amazed.
Got a transfered girl who's related to Sonny from Bulldog town... that means they should have a spot for me over there.. .. Hmm.. I'm thinking about finishing the semster here plus it'd be hell to have to drive in the morning with one of my parents and so on so.. I do need a car first...

.. Nnn...

Bethany thought I had him wrapped around my finger since she had him.. she told me just to give him a kick and he'd go..

... I guess.. I just.. don't put in any effort and neither does he so the relationship just falls?

.. .. .. she has a ring from that 26 year old.. she is 16... it's a promise ring and she wouldn't give him an answer... I'm glad. Atleast she's that smart.

Close the World |

:: 2004 22 September :: 11.00 pm
:: Mood: fine/kinda tired

Well, Mr. Brian called me up ^^',\ xD while I was cooking mushrooms! (went in town today and got Ritsuko's number and I have to call her tomorrow morning at seven and went and played DDR and talked to Danny, that cute black dude with all the piercings. I finnaly got an A on paranoya rebirth! 190 beats/or words minute?) Well, anyway I was just about to call that dude and he called me. Found out he plays the violin and he played B.T. from .hack//SIGH xD omg he played it so beautifully! He's been playing since he was 5 and blah blah he is 18! And in college! Studing to be a space engineer (he wants to be one) god right? Ha ha boy he is set. He seems kinda like a geek xD he was born in Korea, Southern Korea lol damn he said he went there a couple of years ago for about a month! And his little sister can read and write in Japanese but can't speak it and she plays the piano and is like 15.. wow lol. But yea he seems pretty cool, he has a cute cute voice and mom listened to him play the violin too! Bro's friend named Ken came by, I've never met him but was on the phone and this black dude was cute and short and had the cuteist smile! So I just went up to him and put the phone next to his ear and he asked if it ws my boyfriend playing for me and mom said yes and I said no but I had Brian play it twice and it was very very beautiful and I'm gonna look up the piano sheet music for it (he said he tried to get his sister to play it) But yea that dude Ken is cute! He is still over here xD he baught a honda civic and the lights won't work and he honda place didn't put them in right and my brother is rewireing it for him.. Anyway he is really cute and is in college and is 22! Opps! Ha ha he calls us his second family all ready! So cute! I love the way he talks. Damn maybe I am just boy crazy. He is really funny and his facial expressions are just so damn cute and his voice and his skin looks so damn soft damnit i miss broooook. I guess it's just his body I want XD

Haven't heard from him btw and I've been trying to call Beeson's right at six when Jon is supposed to be there just by himself but a woman keeps picking up the phone so.. yea.. I dunno.

... Brian is supposed to call me either at work or wait for me to call him because he works tomorrow and it's his last day because school is too hard with it.

.. Ken is outside and I'm waiting for him to come back in so I can play him in speed. He's scared of the dogs and asked my mom if she had any black in her because she makes good sweet tea xD ha ha he's so cute!

Close the World |

:: 2004 21 September :: 11.15 pm
:: Mood: fine

Hey, well.. work went fine so did school. Bastard only gave me a 10 on my essay (that was as great as you could do but I thought I would atleast get a little extra credit but all I got was the word 'excellent' written on it) Yea. Worked and got paid $51! I couldn't believe it!I guess Jakeeta gave me extra for Sunday.
Went into town after work to Wal Mart to see Ritsuko but she wasn't there. So went shopping with $74 bucks in my wallet (again) and just bought whatever and had a good time. Bought dad some flip flops and then some sandals and a desk lamp ($1, 7$ and 9$) and he had a fucking fit! Too much! Damn boy did I make a scene yelling at him. God they are such cheap asses. Umm bought me some lotion and a 24" black light baby! xD ewwww! We have so many slobber stains on the walls from the dogs it's disgusting! Went to furniture part and sat in this rocking chair looking thing that looked like a car seat and i fell completly backwards with it and it scared the hell out of me and my legs stuck straight up in the air! It was funny. Then this one chick came up with her ears all pierced up and she had a buzz cut around her head and the top spiked real short and then two blonde pony tails in the back. ^^',\\ lezzzzbo writtin all over her xD No offense to anyone. She was cool xD she flirted with me >_< XD ha ha boy my horoscope said though: LIBRA- Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? You are, of course! Today is perfect for beautifying your personal space-- be it your home, your cubicle or your body. Tonight wear something nice, and don't hold back.
XD I didn't hold back! Omg let me tell you tonight was crazy! She stuck out her tonge and she had a tongue ring and it was a hoop that went twice through her tongue and I was like 'oooOo i'm gonna get one of those but I can't yet' and she asked why and I told her i had to wait another year because my parents won't let me get one till i move out the house and she said 'you are only 17!? you could of fooled me!' and I was like big flash! Red light, flag going up lmao but it was cool. She made me guess her age and I guessed right and she's 19. But yea, spent $64 at Wally World and out in the parking lot I saw Mr. Kart-boy BRAD! Brad! Yes brad. I bet you all dont' remember me talking about HIM! He was a fat ass ass hole jerk last year and I just hated having a class with him. But he seems just fine tonight. found out he played Yu gi oh and I told him we should meet at hastings sometime to play and so I have his number and I told him I'd call him Sunday xD he's like 'it's been along time since a girl has asked me for my number' and I was like xD 'omg it's fot yu gi oh man i wouldn't be saying it outloud' lmao what a lonely dork! But yea it was like 10 and I was hungry so we went to Waterburger! I've never been there and this fat weird dude with a huge mole between his eyes opened the door for me real polite (he was washign windows) and i walked up to the counter and they had some real ghetto music playing and this asian guy came up to me xD he was tall and leaaaaaaan buddy let me tell you he was thin. MMmm from the back yeah. ha ha he wasn't hott but.. he had a cute voice and his last name was Fuergusan, I thought he would be Japanese because that old old lady that was supposed to help me, her name was that so I asked and he said he was half korean and half american, and I was like oh. Lol But yeah he couldn't believe I've never been to waterbuger before so we took like ten minutes figureing out what i would have and I just had a number one meal. So i thought i was feeling a vibe from him and i kept my horoscope in mind and we just talked for a bit.. he knew the town i lived in (he thought i went to IKE there in DDR town but i said no) and he's like 'ain't that far away?' lol I said yea but yea.. he had a drive through order to take and two ladies walked in and the fries had to cook and so I jsut sat down and that guy who held the door open for me kept walking around me and i was gettin my drink and standing by there and he came in grabbed a cup and went by me and i moved out the way and when i was sitting down he came and did the garbage right next to me and i was like wtf! Lol but yea I was focusing on Bryan, that was that korean dude. And when my food was ready he brought it to my table and gave me a big smile and said enjoy your meal. And so I was like .. all pouting and followed him back to the counter, determined to speak with him again. So he was doing something to the fryer and turned around and gave me his FULL attention! ha ha and I was like dude you need to be more proud of your korean side and try and learn it, he said his mom tried to teach him but it got too hard. So anyway.. he was like yea ha ha and I was like 'so do you want to talk some more sometime?' and he was like 'yea sure, i work umm-' and I was like 'do you have a phooone?' and he was like, he gave me a look and there was this other lady he worked with that was easing her way towards us, pretending to be busy, and he's like 'yeahh' and i was like 'got a pen?' and he looked for one then found one in his SHIRT pocket, and then got some receipt and started to write his name and i was like '### ####' i gave him my number and he stopped writing his and wrote mine down and then I was like 'b u d a' and that lady was like 'oh that is a beautiful name' and I was like dang lol ha ha it was cool and then he ripped off a piece with his name and I was like 'don't worrie it's not long distance' lol and got a laugh out of him.. but yea.. omg xD i can't believe i did that! Ha ha ha lamo! Oh btw Brook never called. Ha but yea.. that dude is cute. He said if I call ask for Bryan Jr. because his dad is named that too. ... hee hee .. god.. I can't believe that.. xD it was omg great lmao! Got hit on by a lesbian chick and got two numbers! Ha ha god I got to get to bed!

ha ha ha ha ha

Close the World |

:: 2004 19 September :: 9.43 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, was called in for work this morning at seven. Guess who I worked with? Jonathan... did I enjoy it .. yes... ...

.. to make things short.. we stayed after we closed.. for like.. close to an hour.. fooling around.. .. he sat on the table in the back.. i was between his legs and he held me.. and.. i hugged him and.. it was just he was, in a serious voice, he said that... "Buda.. I just keep and keep liking you more" and.. he is like me. We both can't have each other and we know it's not gonna work it's just something.. I don't know.. but... I just.. loved touching him. I gave him a back massage and he gave me one (damn they really do feel good! I never had one I always just give'em) .. but.. it's just.. I wanted to kiss him so bad and I was in his lap sideways and he had unbottoned my jeans -.-' ( the zipper was down too >.>) and... just.. being with him.. we kissed.. and.. it was hot man lmao I mean damn did he want it BAD! Damn can he kiss! My second guy kissing. He is a FUCK load better then Brook lmao xD god. It was the first time I felt anything when kissing.. he sent a chill up my spine. But it's just.. he just.. said he loved my white skin because it was different and just he loved everything about me, inside and out he said.. and I mean he said it like he meant it and with Jon it's so different then with Brook because.. Jon takes time to think before he speakes and.. Just.. he can kiss xD. But yea.. bout got caught by my dad though.. and.. just.. Jooon.. I sent him 2 letters now.. they should get to him by atleast or the most Tuesday.. .. dang.. ..... He's not hott.. his body I mean.. he has a gut and emphasima, where your skin is dry or something and it iches, hell if i know, all over his back, it just looks like sunburn or something. .. but.. I love his hair and his scent.. and.. just.. his little mustache and beard and.. just.. -_- he told me I had to curl my lips more over my teeth when I kissed XD lmao he said he loves my teeth but damn! Ha ha it was funny. I said I was a bad kisser that is why he said that. I also would NOT let him touch my chest and he asked why and then said I was insecure and said he loved my chest, my entire body. ... .... Maroon 5 -She will be loved, I feel like that part: 'I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain, tap on my window knock on my door, I wanna make you feel beautiful', I feel like that would be Jon.. He'd do that for me. And in a letter I wrote him I wrote "I think the reason why I like you so much is that I feel like you won't deny me"... yea I wrote that. It's just.. I didn't.. really want to leave him.. and he asked me "am I the only one thinking of sex here?" lmao. I told him I wasn't a virgin but that didn't make me a whore -_- But yea he said we both was tourting outselves that I was a great tease.. and I said that's all I was.. and it got to him. I told him to stop trying to touch my chest and he said that he stops everytime I say to.. and he does.. He gives me that respect.. brook has too.. but not the way Jon has. Jon also apologized for being rough with me last time -.-' I was like 'oh you thaught that was rough? ok' lol He is just.. damn.. caring? Is that the word?

Was supposed to go DDR with Lenka but we had to do it later when I got off of work, found out Amanda G, whom I was supposed to help with Bio, was at Anton's and was comming to my house till TEN and so Lenka was out and Amanda was in, DDR was on and I am tired lol Kicked ass and Steve-o was there, some 18 year old army dude from FL was there who was hitting on me and Amanda and I told him to back off and it was just fun. Brent showed up too. Amanda said 'damn buda you know everyone' and I guess i was being too friendly with the guys.. .. I dunno. After that we went to Taco Bell where AmandaG's daughter works and got a discount XD big ass discout I ordered 4 hard tacos, Chicken surpreme chalupa with extra tamatoes and then a double decker and it came to like 3.40 something lol xD damn! That was cheap. Yea then we went to Wal Mart and I talked to RITSUKO! IN JAPANESE!!!!!!!!!!

It was fucking awesome! I said it all right, no problems and I understood her! It was great. I said Kon ban wa and she did too then O genki desu ka and she said genki then like anata wa or something which is you but I didn't know what she said but guessed she was asking how I was and I said genki and then okagay samadai and she said "oohhh okagay samadai, not too many know about that word, where you learn?' and I can't even remember where I learned it but yea it was damn awesome and I said ja ne and shit and she was making me count money in Japanese and this time she just had a sparkle in her eye and was happy sounding and smiling and I think she really enjoyed my company because she told me about a church of japanese, like 15 japanese go there wednesdays at 9 and .. she said if I go I can ask around to see if someone will help me. And.. she said the people she did ask were too busy with their families. I don't find it right that japanese, koreans, and mexicans have to work harder, americans are such ass holes. But yeah I was so damn happy. I loved! Talking to her! She asked me my name and I said it wrong, I said watashi wa buda desu and it's watashi no buda desu I think.. yea.. and then watashi wa nihon go ga wakari masu and it was just awesome!
OH I made 40 in tips today too btw. Oh she said that she'd call me tomorrow with the information...

Got home and Bethany (brooks ex) had called and amanda was still with me and so I called her up and first thing out of her mouth was 'why didn't you tell me you and brook were going out?' and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said her grandpa was in the hospital and wasn't doing great at all. She told me if I ever needed any information about brook to just ask her and she told me alot.. the same stuff brook has told me.. and.. I'm ready to have a big 'ol talk with his ass.. it pissed me off but mom bitched at me for being on the phone while amanda was there so I had to hang up... Amanda's sis came and picked her up like aroud 9 something and we got no work done.. so yeah, oops.

I was in a bitch bitch mood so I called Brook. Asked him wha the fuck was going on and he said he was all confused and bethany had told me it was up and down with him and shit and .. she also sai dsomething about her getting married out of highschool.. greeeeeeat. Cha. But .. I just.. I told him i wasnt going to wait much longer and just alot of shit and he said just he might move to dallas and just.. damn man. He doesn't get his story staight and he said he forgot about seeing me wednesday that he was asleep and he wasnt even sorry and i am just.. rather way pissed of at him and then he said 'fine! if you want to break up lets break up!' and i said i didn't want to and he said that was what i was leaning towards and then he said he did work thursday and that they lied or something and i was just like wtf and i told him i'm tired of the lies and games and he said if i thought it was a game then fuck it and just damn man i mean.. i pissed him off nice n good. ... There was alot more but i'm tired and jon is just on my mind damnit and risuko and I just can't fucking wait till I can learn japanese more. .. Brook is supposed to be calling me tomorrow.. ... and.. I said before he hung up.. that I loved him stil that I really did and I dont' want to pressure him into saying it because the next time he said it i wanted him to mean it and he was like 'i can't believe you just said that' and said bye and hung up.. I do'nt know if it was the just i love you part or the say it like you mean it part lol.. oh well his fault. I told him that he hasn't even apologized for being an ass at me and he said 'well sorrrrry' and he is living with shay, who autum told me he doesn't like brook, and it's shay's house but i'm used to it being called scotts and brook is paying rent? And gonna work full time? wasn't he already full time? and beth sai dshe brook up with him cause of the lies and i just can't wait till i get him by my damn self so I can just get up all in his fucking face OH! I can't wait damn fuck man grrr.
Man am I pissed though.. god.. Ooo ... Brook man... and now what is going on with jon and my horoscope saying i'd might find my self falling in love with someone i usually wouldn't or something.. I mean.. jon said it too me outloud from his memeory saying for some reason he knew he'd be working with me today and .. I think he said it to me for a reason.. damn.. I also wrote in a letter that if i ever saw him with another girl i'd be jealous off my ass and i brought brook there before.. i bet jon felt aweful because i was all over brook.. and.. I want to talk to jon about brook and it's just not fair to jon.. damn.. and.. damn.. why is he still even messin with me? .. I don't know Jon is cool though...

Really gets me thinking sometimes.. I told brook i wasn't gonna be waiting no more week or so for another fucking call... and.. yea..


... I really didn't want to leave jon today at work.. I was more then content in his warmth... he said 'you know we won't see each other for another week or two right?' and.. just... ... it didn't hit me like that.. ...

... jon makes me feel good i can't help it.. brook.. feels like such a stranger... ... like.. wtf.. i mean i bad mean stranger.. i mean.. really.. it's just i think now i'm on the outside looking in like all of you and he seems like such a fucking ass..

I shouldn't be on. I haven't touched my homework and i need a shower and shit and i am so tired from work and DDR and just.. i am like getting much much better at ddr. Amanda thanked me for taking her.. she's so .. serious.. ... i hate how people abuse her.. like cause she's slow and shit.. just make fun of her and shit and.. .. i just.. want to help her and i guess that's how antons feels.. but.. god.. he is gonna get so heart broken over it. Found out he told her he had no reason to live without her and is now cutting himself because he's stopped dipping and smoking.. and it eases the pain n shit.. I'll have to talk to him again.. ...

Kyle is back.. Kyle T.. anton's best friend.. it's a long story that you don't want to hear.



... .. and how long has it been since I ended an entry with these two names at the end?



Jon/Brook

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:: 2004 18 September :: 12.02 pm
:: Mood: fine

Well, school went fine. Turns out my lovely US History essay was like around 2400 words ^^ heh >:D fucking bitch Laura's was around 400-500 she said. Oh was she so proud of hers ha did her jaw drop when I told her how many words mine was! Bitches everyone. Bout to got into a fight today with Kellie. I told her not to give me no attiude and she shut up (I said that after she told me to shut up damn bitch is so fucking dumb and I went on explaining and yea but yea) But yea.
Work, man I was tired when I got there. (this morning I was bout late for school too) But man it was fine untill around 6 and we just got hit man damn. It was Western Days and the 4-way (right before you get to Beeson's) was packed with all kinds of Booth thingies. The streets were lined off with cop strip stuff, and it was just crazy. Bunches of people were parked in our parking lot and I had to go get some ice and it was dark and late, after closing but we had 4 bastard rednecks that came in 5 minutes before we closed so yea... but I went out and I didn't want to hav eto go out there because I was afraid of guys being out there but yeah I went to get ice and I heard someone whisle and I was like 'ah hell no damnit' and thinking it was a perv and then I heard it again and I was bout to look over my shoulder and then I her a howl and I was like wtf?! that sounds close. And looked over the ice door and saw that it was Jonthan! With some other guy in the car (who was driving and had long are and was smiling really dumbly at me and was ugly and white) But anyway I was like 'Jon! What'z up!" and he said wad up baby lol aww Jon! I was like AWWW I miss you! Dang you look so different! You seem taller! Aw damn you're a stranger! And he said "i know! I really miss talking to you!" and that just.. got it felt great to hear him say that. I miss talking to him so much too! But he really did look different. Damn.. Jon.. I miss hiiiimmm Nnnnn ::whines:: got inside and he said he had to talk to Charles and I was like 'Me too right?" and he said yeah. Well he went in the back and I went to rolling my silver wear and finnaly jon came out of the kitchen and I smacked the booth bench infront of me and he came and sat down and I was like 'damn jon i miss you !" and he like 'damnit buda I miss you too damnit' and was all grining both of us he was probably high though and he hit once side of my knee with one hand and the other sit with another hand and back and forth (what word should i use?) Yea.. but damn I miss him. I was like "jon! you look so cute!' and he was like 'damn i was just bout to say the same bout you' >_< ahh jon -_- I miss him Y_Y -.- . But he was like he had to go and all rubbed my thigh a bit and i grabed his leg with my feet and didn't want him to leave and he got up and said write him some time then 'Oh! let me give you my address!' and he wrote it down for me.. .. ... aww.. damint.. I just.. ... want to just hug him tight damnit. I wanted to kiss him >.> today. >_< damnit.
When we fooled around that one day (when I said I let him cross the line) I let him touch me and .. I touched him SOME (not as much as he did me) and .. he wanted to kiss me but I pulled away and he whined when I did. I refused to kiss him.. but I want to now.. ... damnit I don't know.

Made $25 but yea I'm watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air so yea.. I like will.. will is cool.

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 16 September :: 9.17 pm
:: Mood: fine

Bastard still hasn't called and .. I am really REALLY fucking pissed at him. Called Autum not too long ago and anyway she called me back thing is I wasn't home, I was in town with mom shopping. (got a pair of jeans, a long sleeve tee, a blue bra, blue undies, and 9 pairs of beautiful awesome socks!) But anyway, I called her back and anyway she hasn't talked to him in a month and I found out he is a fucking big time lier (kinda figured that out) and he doesn't keep his promisies. He goes to the Cage whose Shay's parents own and no he is not infact no equipment manager and he infact did NOT go to Dallas at ALL and is NOT on any DEMO and is NOT a backup singer and IS NOT liked by Shay so he hangs in the front YARD of Scott's not INSIDE so WTF!?!!!
Brook said that once he gets that damn car so I'm thinking about waiting until he does get it and seeing if things change. ... I don't know if I really want to wait that long.

Fucking bastard WAS off today goddamn him. Mother fucker man damn I am pissed. I still have that damn 300 word essay to write damn there is so much to fill in but I have HAVE TO get my damn work done and I don't really think I can get it done with a TV next to me with Fresh Prince of Belair on. I like that show.

Practicing the piano more.. .. damnit..

..





.... ... Brook....

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:: 2004 15 September :: 10.18 pm
:: Mood: pissed/annoyed with brothers' fucking goddamn moth
:: Music: Papa Roach

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 15 September :: 12.44 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Papa Roach's New CD

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