I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you.

I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you.

:: 2004 13 August :: 8.23am

i have to work today... 2 days after i get back and i have to work... i never would have known if i hadnt called them last night... im so angry. before i left work was devouring my life, every day i worked at either arbys or cindys, and i had time for nothing else, no church, no friends, no devotions, no anything. if that starts up again im gonna quit, because the summer i turned 16 i'll always remember as miserable... thats NOT how this years gonna be.

in alaska they told us that when we got home satan was going to try and attack us with all our weak points, make us to busy for devotions... and things ya'll just wouldnt understand.... i guess i didnt think he'd attack me with all my weak points all at once.

but i have somebody to talk to, someone who will help me realize that its ok to hurt, but that i dont have to hurt alone...... i love having that feeling.

today im going to greenville after i get out of work and im getting black chucks, 2 pairs of cords and 2 sweater things..... i dont really care about school shopping that much... im not gonna be finished by the time school starts, big deal.

i think im losing it for woohu, i want to stop using it. nobody cares if you write an entry and you're happy. the only reason you get comments is if you're really angry and someone thinks they can twist what you said around on themselves and start a conflict. or if you're really depressed, then they comment just to find out whats going wrong in your life. why does everyone feel the need to feed off negativity?

i have to bring jessie to the groomers... or as becky my dear would say....

*high pitched undescribable voice*
"jess-jess go bye-bye to goomers!!!"

*laughs.... i love you beck.
smorgasboard.3 weeks.perfect.

*screams........

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 11 August :: 5.20pm

oh yeah... i got a car.. forgot to update about that.... im pretty excited.

its a black cutless supreme.. power everything. seats, mirrors, moon roof, antenna. keyless start/entry, controls on steering wheel, climate control, cruise control..... its got all these fun things to play with! and the best part is that i bought it.. i did... with money that I earned. it feels so good.... when i got to the church this morning it was just sitting there waiting for me... well.. not sitting... its not an animal... but it was sooo exciting. yeeaaah.. err.... for me anyways... now im realizing that its probably not exciting for youuu........ so ok... i'll go then..

i've never been treated like how you treat me.... i'll treasure you forever. im so incredibly glad we got so many chances to talk, i really feel blessed to have you in my life, nobody has ever cared about me, and i mean GENUINLY cared like you do.. and its evident. i just wanted you to know how much i appreciate you.

nerk.... hahahahaha

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 11 August :: 3.06pm

i'm home... well, im "house".. and im ok with that.

that was the best experience i could have ever possibly had at this point in my life...

im finished with everything.... im starting over. things will change... and now i know that when satan feeds me a lie i can claim it.. and that is an awesome feeling.

i've bonded with almost every person in my youth group..... i cant even begin to explain everything that happend on our trip.. so im not gonna try.

im smiling for the first time in a long time.. genuinly smiling.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 30 July :: 5.24pm

i leave for alaska tomorrow morning.... *does a little dance.

im excited.. its kinda surreal... like... i cant believe it already here... tomorrow... gahh. i cant wait.

BECKY! *cries hysterically.... point taken.

dont even have to go on...... she knows... oh yes... she knows... *cries again.

I LOVE YOU!

hopefully a moose doesnt eat me......

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 26 July :: 4.25pm

our computer hasnt been working.. so quick quick update on the last like... 3 weeks.

(*im at the library.. and i have 7 minutes.... we'll see how fast i can get this....*)

i leave for alaska saturday morning.
kings island was a blast and becky and i are horrible people who had the chance to flog multiple british men.. but passed it up.
mackinaw island and traverse city was fun with my mom and shelby.... our family is so dysfuntional... and hmm lets see....
becky got hired at arbys, and that kicks ass.
my schedual at school sucks really bad, and that makes me sad.... lunch... gahh.. no. gahh.

ok, im getting yelled at to get off.. by a LIBRARIAN! my life is so sad i cant stand it...

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 16 July :: 6.09pm

i didnt have to work at cindys tonight cuz of the rain.... people just dont seem to want icecream when its raining. fine with me.. it would have been better if i would have found out i didnt have to work BEFORE i was almost there.. but oh well.. at least im not at work.

im picking becky up later on.... (and sam, and bear) and we're going over to her dads because in the morning.. WE'RE going to KINGS ISLAND! im sooo happy! *woot woot

jess hazen... I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! lol.. i miss you! we havent talked in so long! CALL ME!!!!

i got called today. *laughs... oooooh yeah. i got it still.. i havent lost it.... it was a nice moment... odd, but nice.

i've decided, im not going to "date" anyone.. but im going to date random people.. how fun... becky and i have discussed this... and why tie yourself down to one whiney moron when you can have like 5?! laughs*.. im kidding... but i deffinately just want to have fun in highschool and date whoever i want, whenever i want. and that was a pointless rambling.... ehhh, ah well.

i went tanning today and i bough this lotion called sexpot, and im all dark and stuff now. its nice. i smell like lotion.... or sex... or sex lotion... lol. i dont know..

now im all dark and desirable... *haha.. riiight* you just want to lick me dont you. admit it... you know you do.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 15 July :: 6.37pm

fought some more with my mom, cried some more... went to work, got an evil voice mail telling me to come STRAIGHT home from arybs.... aka. no stacys house.... cried some more.

came home, went to the beach with brandi lynn.....

theres my day.

oh, and i came home........ and i got checked in on.. to make sure i did.... *rolls eyes. whatever.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 15 July :: 11.16am

FYI... im not comming home tonight.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 15 July :: 11.08am

last night i was taking a bath and listening to my cd player, and i actually thought about throwing the cd player in the water.... i hate my life.. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

i just got off the phone with my mom, that "good relationship" that i was always so happy about is gone.

"ya know what erika, im sick of you"
"well im sick of you too"

these were my words to her.. along with many others......

"im 16 working 7 days a week. i have 300 dollars in the bank. THATS fun. i dont do anything fun EVER, i hate my life.. we dont even get along anymore"-me

"well its hard with YOUR attitude"-crazy

"yours too"-me

"ya know what erika, im sick of you"-crazy

"well im sick of you too"-me

dial tone on both ends.

i just LOVEEE how close we are.. fuck her. god just fucking afjsd;fklsd;lkfjal;sdkfjasl;dkfj.

kings island is gonna break me... well she can "only give me 80 dollars" and "we cant go away next week"

i dont want her money.. i dont want her.. i dont want anything anymore, i just dont want life... goddddddddddddddd.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 15 July :: 10.08am

so yesterday i was so incredibly pissed, and i spent like 45 minutes updating my stupid journal and went i clicked update there was an error or something er other and i lost it... i periodically copied it at one point... and this is all i could recover....... maybe it'll show you how frustrated life makes me....

lets recap what i was supposed to do today...

i was supposed to work.
i was supposed to go to craigs cruisers with my youth group.

thats it, thats all i had going for me today. thats why i had to tell cindy that i couldnt work, thats why i made NO other fucking plans tonight. thats why i couldnt hang out with jess hazen... where am i though? what am i doing.. im on the damn computer, doing absolutely nothing. why? because my moms insane and unfair and so stupid.. and gahhh, im just so upset i feel like crying.. and i just dont care what any of you think... i hate my life.

i work my ass off 7 days a fucking week, i NEVER have a break.. EVER. i get my paycheck, i put them in the bank.. or i spend it on fucking gas.. because this fucking explorer goes through 10 dollars a day and the only fucking place i go is work and back. the social aspect of my life doesnt even exist anymore. im emotionally and physically drained by the end of every day.. i havent been to the mall ONCE this summer. not once, i havent been to the beach since that day i went with my friends, and that was a lake in greenville.. hardly counts. i havent bought any clothes with ANY of the money i've been working "SO" hard for... no.. it goes in the bank so i can buy MYSELF a car. thats right.. i dont have a parent to buy me one.. i dont have some rich grandparents to suprise me... i provide for my fucking self.. and my mom wont even help me. she wont help me with gas, and ANYTHING i want to do i have to pay for. if i want to go to the movies, i have to pay for it. if i want to buy a movie, i pay for it. ice cream? i pay for it. kings island.. I'M paying for it.. there goes 150 right there. and school clothes.. i have to pay for those too.. and if i have to take money out of the bank for everything else, im not NOT buying school clothes, so i guess im just gonna have to take it ALL out and when i get the "dont you want a car" lecture i'll be like fuck yeah.. but i also NEED gas, and i also LIKE having fun some of the time instead of just working everyday.. call me crazy for spending money at the movies.... WHY WONT YOU FUCKING HELP ME.....

____________________________________

and that was all that i could save.. and so my mom and i were all fighting and frigid and not getting along. and when she came home i was talking to becky and shes like..

if all you're gonna do is talk on the phone then go downstairs.. you dont even spend any time with shelby anymore...

so i start to go downstairs...

"its nice that the only person you give a damn about is becky"

i saw yeeppp

"the ONLY person you EVER spend time with"

i slam the basement door.

first of all.. why would i want to spend time with my bratty little sister, and why would i want to talk to her when she's being such a bitch.... honestly... people are so fuckin crazy!

becky.. i cant even begin to tell you how much i love you and how much i appreciate you being my best friend.. WHAT would we do without eachother? we NEVER would have come across johnny!! *gasps.. thats just terrible! you're the only person who doesnt make me feel like im not good enough, or that i should be a better christian, or listen to a certain kind of music. and you've never told me that i should or shouldnt say or do certain things.... (*I'LL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO SAY*) we both know what im talking about... and it just enrages me.... gahhhhh. i love you rouxi!

i have to work again today... wooo.
i have to take money out of the bank.
i have to clean my room.... well.. brandis room.
i have to start packing for kingsisland.. i have to do EVERYTHING... GAHHHHHH....

at least i get out early today.

it was nice talking to you, i knew you couldnt stay mad at me for that long... how good am i.... i was sooooo right. we were able to put things aside yesterday and you made me feel better when i wasnt feeling that great. i knew that you cared... and i'll be damned if something stupid causes us to hate eachother.

ok....... enough ramblings.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 14 July :: 10.05am

today i work till 3, then i think im going to craigs cruisers with my youth group.. i think.. i dont know though. its about time i should do something with them. alaska is in... 2 weeks? i dont know.. very soon.

it was all sunny earlier this morning.. and now its all umm.. not.

happy birthday joe!

so dashboards new song is amazing.. and i love it... because i love them. *sighs*

i miss having a life.

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 13 July :: 10.13am

yesterday was one of the greatest days ever.

i had to work till 2, and then me and jess went tanning.. which was so nice.. because im sick of being all pale.. blaaaahh.

then i went to beckys and watched her brother and sister play harry potter uno.. lol.. and then i raded her closet, changed out of my work clothes, and picked becky up from mcdonalds. when we got to her house we got in different clothes so that we could play in the rain. so we run outside, and its raining, not to hard, but pretty hard, and we're bare foot... and then we decide that we just wanna go to the park. so we (still barefoot) run frolicing in the streets to the park and it started pouring, like you wouldnt even believe. and it was just so much fun! we were dancing in the middle of the park in a complete downpour in crazy shorts and semi transparant shirts screaming christina agulara songs and mocking certain morons that we know. we attacked several mud puddles, even layed in them... until "what if the worms come up?" and we got up faster then i think either of us has ever moved before. i havent laughed that much in such a long time... im so happy we're best friends! we kept laughing about who else would be content being such morons... and that when we live wherever we're gonna live together we're gonna continue to play in the rain... lol. it was just to fun.

then we ran back to her house, jumped in the shower (together.. he he he... lol.. bathing suits you pervs..) and got dressed before either of our moms caught on to our evil scheme... after all the acid will kill you becky. and we may have ring worm and diseases in our vaginas... but HEY its all good right?! *laughs. we're such nerds.

"show me your face god!"

I LOVE YOU BUCKY BECKY!
-our smorgasboard kicks so much ghetto booty.

so here is my new list of people that i love oh so much........

becky- "should we take turns washing our vaginas?"
brandi- all mighty spotted one
jess w- "do you smell something burning?"
jess h- you've got the _____ (random word) to make my booty go smack! *laughs.
ashley- cronkus
stacy- "what? i dont know why she's floating at the bottom of the pool...."
lisa- "its a bracelet! i swear!"
jenna- "we should like, get them a card or someting!" "should we?" "lets do it!"
jessie g- *whispers very loudly* "see that guy right there.. shes a LESBIAN!"

sorry if i didnt mention you my loves, but this is my recent loves, love. and i still love you.... even though you got no recognition... *giggles.

im pathetic, and going to be late for work if i dont get off line....

*scampers away

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 12 July :: 10.54am

mmmmm... special k... tastes like cardboard... mmmm.

i get out early today... this is weird... i need to so something to be all like... yeah, i can do something tonight. err.. something.

*licks beckys arm

almost time for kings island! except we leave saturday morning, im spending the night at beckys friday, and i have to work at cindys friday until 10.... ahhh well. still.. woot woot!

i was up late last night, and one of the people i was talking to was ashley sonego..and shes so fricken cool! we're gonna take over the world someday.... no.. seriously.

jess hazen.. i miss you darnit!

ok, i guess i have nothing to talk about at all.. and i DO need to dry my hair...... i hate drying my hair.....

loves...
erika

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brokenmentality

:: 2004 11 July :: 11.58pm

honestly... what. am. i. doing.

my mom talked to carrie today at church... and it made me feel so good to hear what carrie had to say because now no matter what anyone else thinks or says, i know what my youth pastor and his wife think, and thats all that matters. i love them so much.

i tried calling alyssa.. but i couldnt get through, which really makes me sad because i miss her so much. *cries. i havent talked to her in weeks.

*reminder to self* i am yet to get a swimsuit for alaska... i say swimsuit because it has to be a one piece, and i dont own a one piece and i dont want to own a one piece, darn christians and their *trying to think of word..... modesty.. thats the word.

tomorrow i only have to work a total of 2 hours.... thats almost amazing.. i should right that down in some sort of book. although, if i dont go to sleep soon... i might not make it to work.

becky... just.. is.. the... bestest... person... ever.

*ahem.

your milk shake brings me to the bar as i scream you're bodys like who when you do it right thuur.. because i like it like that, when you workin that back, i owno (ghetto slurr... owno= i dont know) how to act.. slow motion for me, slow motion for me (slowly wiggles booty in front of a 50 g sports car) but sometiiiiiiimes, sometiiiiiiiimes all the guys think that we mighty fiiiiiiiine, but mighty fiiine only gets us nowhere all the time, and the other half... *somethin somethin*.. even thooouuughh.. we dont have a golden calculator and cant diviiiiiide.. the time it takes us to do math we cry inside, that real life only calls for, good looks and, gay sitcom shoooowwwwsss. ohh, oh oh but really you got me lookin so crazy right now ( comon ) got me lookin so crazy right now.. your touch got me lookin so crazy right now... thoia thoia thoia thoia thoing.... REMIX! well you gotta hottie bodie when i saw you at that party i said becky would you call call me you said georgie are you ballin, i said sounds like you like like like like.. paulson (*shrugs.. i dont know) oh so your one of them chicks gets red in the face when he pulls out his... wallet (*laughs) well this way to please ya, gotta eat some cheeza, ... something, something.. i dont knowa.

ok, its late, im a moron.. and i just hit on my best friend with ghetto rap.... *shrugs. lol. we're so fun becky!

loves you* misses you*

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