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I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 17 November :: 8.55am

yesterday was the first snowfall of the season... which marks the day keegan asked me to be his girlfriend.... it may not be the technical date... but its the symbolic day. I can't wait till the 24th when we can finally wear our rings engraved "the first year". just a symbol of our relationship.. not promise rings, just a symbol.

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charlessumnerthatsickfuck

:: 2005 8 November :: 11.04am

http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=24777096

i hope this isn't a scam

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charlessumnerthatsickfuck

:: 2005 8 November :: 11.03am

Get a free I pod. Hopefully this isn't a scam folks.



http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=24777096

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 2 November :: 9.30am

its been a semi-long while.

halloween was just a normal day for us. we figured we're to old to go trick or treating, and we didnt have my sister so its not like we had any reason to go. instead we went to the outback, and had one of those perfect nights that we have so often. PLUS we got some new games from toys R us.... and that was wonderful.

i havent really been up to much lately. just work, wizard, and keegan. oh and throw failing algebra in there too. but its all good..

i think im begining to slip away from woohu.... i dont really have much to update anymore. it seems so much easier to update when im depressed and upset, like i take the good times and the good days for granted. i dont know... maybe its time people actually had to start getting to know me instead of reading about me in my journal.

yeah.. that sounds like a good idea.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 21 October :: 1.53pm

i love when nobodys home and i can just relax and take a shower and not worry about whats going on outside my house.

im going to the game and dance tonight with the girls.. then afterwards i think we're gonna watch both ring movies cuz brandis never seen them. im preparing myself for the nightmares.... in case you dont know.. i DONT watch scary movies. these are single 2 scary movies i think i've ever seen. and YES they're scary! lol... maybe other people didnt think so, but to me there are dead people and mirrors... *shivers...

tomorrow is my keegan day. he has to work a double at logans today... mmmm, but its ok. i kind of wish he was comming to the game with me since its the last one... but he's got a car payment due next week, so i understand.. he's so cool. i love that. :)

well.. i guess i dont have much of anything to say. see ya'll at the game i spose.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 18 October :: 9.11pm

Erika, hey it's Keegan.

Just wanted to say hi, and that I care about you. and that I love it when we resolve our arguments. no matter how long it takes or how hard it is.

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charlessumnerthatsickfuck

:: 2005 16 October :: 10.50pm

Franz Ferdinand
damn hot

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 16 October :: 2.24pm
:: Music: Ani DiFranco

what a depressing day. as much as i want to get up and wash my face.. i just lay here in a dark room wishing i was everything that right now im lacking so bad.

my car is getting to me, i dont have a ride to work tonight. i dont know when im gonna have something to drive... my mom is bending over backwards to make it easier for me, but for godsake i've had my licene for over a year now, she shouldnt have to stress out so i can drive her car for a day... if only i was just in walking distance.

for about 20 minutes i was gonna stay home, brandi was gonna cover for me, and i was gonna pick up her wednesday... but then i realized that i would rather go to work depressed and upset and beable to see him on wednesday. but thats just me, thats just a sacrifice that i'm willing to make so we can spend time together. whatever.

i just want it to be winter so i can come home and bundle up and drink hot chocolate and chai and not feel guilty about NOT being outside on a beautiful day.

i've been thinking about college alot lately. i dont know what im going to do. im a fucking senior.. and i have no idea what i want to do after high school. something about that terrifies me immensely.

i just want to be out of here. away from everything that i've always known, or maybe everything that i've never truely known.

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charlessumnerthatsickfuck

:: 2005 16 October :: 2.33am

SO, here is a synapses of my life in nouns:

Hooka
Saw
Organic Chem :(
OSU/MSU ;(
hermit crab/shoe
Rocky Horor Picture Show
Cows/Louisville
Friends
God
Spagetteos

get the picture?

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 15 October :: 12.42pm

i guess its about time i update about homecoming. prom probably takes the cake cuz of everything we did before and after... but dancing wise... this one was the best!

me and keegan clashed, but at the same time looked really good together. the green and purple ended up looking very nice. i couldnt have been happier with my dress. it looked perfect, it wasnt to long, it fit wonderfully... *smiles. so anyways, me, keegan, stacy, brad and brandi went to timbers for dinner... i got meatloaf... heck yes! but then i made keegan trade me his steak.. giggles.

the dance turned out VERY nice. the decorations were awesome and i loved the theme. the seniors did a kick ass job.

we got our pictures taken right when we got there, hopefully it turns out good. we're not your average couple, and poses just dont work for us... so we did our own thing. thats what we usually do though... we always do our own thing...

but yeah.. the dance was great.. i danced with keegan all night.. almost as if nobody else was around. and the last song they played "you look wonderful tonight" is one of our songs.. so the night just ended perfectly. i got really good pictures, AND when keegan started break dancing... i didnt even get pushed the back of the circle... laughs.. i could actually SEE! its so cool that he does that.. i feel so cool dating him. *laughs again* i've never felt this way before.. or have ever thought that my boyfriend was cooler than me... its just amazing to think... wow, im dating keegan. i have to tell myself that from time to time...... he's so incredible.. and we're incredible together.

after the dance we just went back to keegans house and went to sleep. we were to tired to go bowling... and just feeling him close to me is all i need to make the night perfect... i know im overusing that word... but its the only word that fits.





the other day we went to klackle orchards and got pumpkins, donuts, apples, and gourds. it was so much fun. we got to ride in the "enchanted" pumpkins out to the pumpkin patch. keegans pumpkin is HUGE and mine WAS perfect until SOMEBODY broke the stem off. pshhh. but yeah.. that was a really fun day.


then last night after i got out of work we rented Crash and Call Me... we only watched Call ME cuz there was no way we were stayin up for two movies. it was ok.. but it really should have been classified as porn. lol. it was a BIT graphic to say the least. ahh well... what can ya do right?

so right now shelby has a bunch of little friends over because she turned 5 on monday... *tears.. she grows so fast* so todays her little birthday party. i have to go to work tonight... which i dont want to do... but when i get out we'll probably watch that other movie.

the good thing about having people over is that it forces me to clean my room. usually its a disaster, but my room is seroiusly the coolest room i've seen in person.. .not trying to be conceited or anything... but its pretty kick ass. so when people are over i always gotta show it to em. scott came over with keegan today... so in otherwords i was cleaning all morning. aww it was so cute. keegan came over to do some flips for all shelbys little friends. he's just so damn cool! *giggles


bad news though.... i cant drive my car anymore. we brought it in to get the breaks checked out and they said the front and back brakes are totally shot and it also needs new brake pads and roters and all that other stuff that me, being a girl, doesnt know anything about. but yeah, the cheapest they could fix it for is 650... and my mom doesnt think its worth putting that much money into. so i think we're gonna look into getting a different car.. possible an explorer. but i'll be out of a car for about a month im guessing... not like it matters.. i dont drive very often anyways. .maybe once or twice a week... if that. but yeah... thats my story.

yeah.. so i havent updated in awhile.. as a result this entry jumps all around and sounds kinda odd... but at least ya'll got the jist of my past week. alright... bye loves.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 13 October :: 6.51am

just what i want to wake up to.

every day just keeps getting better and better.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.02pm

i'll just set aside how pissed i am for the time being. its not going to do anything any good... and if i open up and say what i REALLY feel.. i'll have to hear how it hurt someones feeling... so yeah, i'll just pretend everythings fine and im ok, because im a fucking doormat.

before i get into homecoming.. i gotta vent. deal with it.

i understand that im short and blonde and tend to smile alot. does that mean that im perfect?! if i flip out on somebody... its like "oh damn, erikas pisssed" WHAT am i not allowed to show some irrational emotion? just because i hide how i feel in school to avoid added drama... doesnt mean i dont HAVE unneccesary drama. if i were to be totally honest with myself and most the people i surround myself with... i wouldnt have many friends. im not judgemental.. i just cant put up with peoples shit very easily. Grow the fuck up. we're seniors for gods sake. im counting the days before i get the hell away from all these people. we grew up together, we'll see eachother at reunions, pretend we were friends "back in the day" and move on with our lives. and i may or may not marry somebody from around here. im certainly not gonna plan on it. im 17 years old. why would i want to be tied down to love and commitment? am i happy with my relationship? yeah, because its a healthy relationship. we dont center our lives around eachother. thats a bit pathetic dont cha think? i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you! the world sucks! *laughs.... god im glad i can find humor when im so PISSED.

first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit. maybe thats love, maybe thats what we're waiting for and this is just a preview.

*ahem* Love is never fully being happy, but settling for a great person with just less than what you expected. oh yeah, and throw in the... "its not fair" part and maybe the "drive eachother crazy" part.

i honestly am scared to death that i'll never fall in love with anyone. im to anal about love, im to picky... i know exactly what i want. but it doesnt exist. and that doesnt say anything bad about my relationships or future relationships... it just tells me that its time i take my head out of the clouds and think realistickly.

i dont know. im so irrational sometimes. i dont know why he puts up with my bullshit. tonight hurt... but so did yesterday. it never gets easier. it makes me wish we were in love so at least in my lowest moment i could tell myself "but its ok, because he loves me" and it kills me that i cant... but its not just that. its me too. im not ready for that. like i said... who knows if i'll ever be ready. ive encountered first hand love due to my mom and her divorce. i would rather go to hell then relive the events we suffered through. i honestly think chris was satan. but he didnt start out that way. man he fooled us. i dont want that to happen to me. and i guess im just scared to death that im gonna open myself up, become totally vulnerable to pain... and be fooled.







ok.... i took a break from the last paragraph and went to talk to my mom. she always makes me feel better. but now im just depressed.


im so fucking selfish. and i know that. and i can admit that....

maybe i'll get to homecoming a different day. i'd like to be happy when i update about such a great night.

this is one of those nights where a tiny part of you hopes you never wake up, even though im not suicidal.... eternal sleep just sounds so good sometimes.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 11 October :: 4.42pm

noo, god im just so fucking mad...... its just a multiple entry type of rage i guess....

what the hell is your problem?

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 11 October :: 4.39pm

im done with this.

i had a rotten day, and the one thing i was looking forward to taking comfort in cancelled on me.

i could very easily take comfort in something else.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 3 October :: 7.20pm

tonights laguna night, im waiting for keegan to get out of work so we can go over to stacys. that kristin... dirty little skank. giggles

im excited for homecoming, especially since i wont be so pale.. thank god for bronzing tanning lotion.

yeah, so algebra 2 is kicking my ass... anyone care to help me out?!

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