i'll just set aside how pissed i am for the time being. its not going to do anything any good... and if i open up and say what i REALLY feel.. i'll have to hear how it hurt someones feeling... so yeah, i'll just pretend everythings fine and im ok, because im a fucking doormat.

before i get into homecoming.. i gotta vent. deal with it.

i understand that im short and blonde and tend to smile alot. does that mean that im perfect?! if i flip out on somebody... its like "oh damn, erikas pisssed" WHAT am i not allowed to show some irrational emotion? just because i hide how i feel in school to avoid added drama... doesnt mean i dont HAVE unneccesary drama. if i were to be totally honest with myself and most the people i surround myself with... i wouldnt have many friends. im not judgemental.. i just cant put up with peoples shit very easily. Grow the fuck up. we're seniors for gods sake. im counting the days before i get the hell away from all these people. we grew up together, we'll see eachother at reunions, pretend we were friends "back in the day" and move on with our lives. and i may or may not marry somebody from around here. im certainly not gonna plan on it. im 17 years old. why would i want to be tied down to love and commitment? am i happy with my relationship? yeah, because its a healthy relationship. we dont center our lives around eachother. thats a bit pathetic dont cha think? i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you! the world sucks! *laughs.... god im glad i can find humor when im so PISSED.

first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit. maybe thats love, maybe thats what we're waiting for and this is just a preview.

*ahem* Love is never fully being happy, but settling for a great person with just less than what you expected. oh yeah, and throw in the... "its not fair" part and maybe the "drive eachother crazy" part.

i honestly am scared to death that i'll never fall in love with anyone. im to anal about love, im to picky... i know exactly what i want. but it doesnt exist. and that doesnt say anything bad about my relationships or future relationships... it just tells me that its time i take my head out of the clouds and think realistickly.

i dont know. im so irrational sometimes. i dont know why he puts up with my bullshit. tonight hurt... but so did yesterday. it never gets easier. it makes me wish we were in love so at least in my lowest moment i could tell myself "but its ok, because he loves me" and it kills me that i cant... but its not just that. its me too. im not ready for that. like i said... who knows if i'll ever be ready. ive encountered first hand love due to my mom and her divorce. i would rather go to hell then relive the events we suffered through. i honestly think chris was satan. but he didnt start out that way. man he fooled us. i dont want that to happen to me. and i guess im just scared to death that im gonna open myself up, become totally vulnerable to pain... and be fooled.







ok.... i took a break from the last paragraph and went to talk to my mom. she always makes me feel better. but now im just depressed.


im so fucking selfish. and i know that. and i can admit that....

maybe i'll get to homecoming a different day. i'd like to be happy when i update about such a great night.

this is one of those nights where a tiny part of you hopes you never wake up, even though im not suicidal.... eternal sleep just sounds so good sometimes.

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