::
2002 8 December :: 4.47 pm
:: Mood: cold. ticked off
:: Music: saliva - always
i am so anti-parents
gerald even said that himself. and its true - anything i connect to my parents, i reject. including school.
so hes trying to shelter me. im not fuckin stupid, i know what im getting myself into. i try to tell them how to help me, they only do the opposite.
god dammit, why cant they realize they have no say in my life?
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 7 December :: 2.40 am
:: Mood: insomniac
:: Music: dashboard confessional - standard lines
i have so much to be so happy for
i mean, lucass. and i finally told justin to quit harassing me (fuckin horny bastard). and ive gotten started on something ive put off for so long. and the more i think about it, the more i have numerous decent friends at west. and im off grounding. and marcus (?). aaron was bein kinda flirty tonight too. hes hot lol.
but once that mad-caffiene/ephedra kick started to lose momentum, so did i. the last half hour or so at matts i was dead. and i still am.
im trying to get matt to open up. but hes kinda stubborn bout it. and its unbelievably frustrating.
lucass, lucass, lucass. hes kinda retarded... he talks to me about all of his girls that are just all over him. but girls dont matter to him. yet, he tells me i do. i know i do. but then how can he do this? like... im really not jealous at all - i mean, i got the best of him. but its bugging me. i *should* be jealous. this is the kid that means so much to me.
sometimes i wonder if he just doesnt realize that normally id be jealous as hell because of how much he tells me that i dont need to know. like, i went over last night after kathys and i made him play me a song. so he plays "walt disney" - about amanda from east gr. i know she was really special to him, and if she lived closer something woulda happened.. but idk.. why would he sing that song to me? weirdo. he shouldve play a song he wrote about me.
but he also played "you gave your love to me softly" by weezer. :)
ok. so the point in all that? im fine w/ the fact that im no where near his only girl. hes not the only guy either. but what if i wanted to be his only girl...?
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 2 December :: 10.40 pm
:: Mood: muy bien, gracias
:: Music: crystal method - magic carpet ride (techno remix)
random convo w/ lucass
is there a point? no, it just makes me happy :)
mle3 102: hi
oh hear you me: hi
mle3 102: hows it goin?
oh hear you me: good now that im talking to you
mle3 102: awww lol
oh hear you me: because i jus tlove you so much
mle3 102: yea yea yea i know
mle3 102: lol right
oh hear you me: youre the reason i get out of bed in the morning
mle3 102: yup. just so u can sit behind me and make sure my thong matches
oh hear you me: :) its *probably* what i look forward to most each day
mle3 102: lol shut up
oh hear you me: what? youre so beautiful and wonderful, i think about you all the time
mle3 102: irl?
oh hear you me: of course
mle3 102: ok quit it
mle3 102: i honestly cant tell when ure shiiting me or not anymore
oh hear you me: ok
oh hear you me: but i think you are irl beautiful
oh hear you me: and youre like one of the coolest people i know
oh hear you me: andi do think about you a lot
oh hear you me: so believe what you want
oh hear you me: :)
it sounds like no big deal, but it is to me. the only reason im putting it in here is to remind myself that he *does* care, and i have him to fall back on. and thats all i need...
all i need now is to push forward.
the matt and laura thing keeps nagging at me too. but thats ok. doesnt phase me because im fucking happy.
im happy :)
*big goofy grin*
mle
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 1 December :: 10.58 pm
:: Mood: starting to get stressed
:: Music: good charlotte - seasons
"you win. i suck"
from my profile
yup. thats in there. i give up.
and lucass is talking to me again :)
and i talked to kathy on the phone for a while :)
now i just gotta get my fuckin homework done.
"i just wanna lie wrapped up in your arms forever, but then again i also wanna kick you in the crotch"
- from a letter i wrote to lucass (no intention of giving it to him, of course)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 1 December :: 1.27 pm
:: Mood: slightly annoyed
:: Music: chevelle - the red
lucass's profile. ill be back to comment...
"lyrics in profiles
IS ok if its from a cool song and is in your profile because you like the song / lyric
NOT ok if you are one of those emotional whiney kids who can not express their own feelings so they put lyrics in their profile / away message to 'make a point'"
grr.. i dont know why hes being so immature about this whole deal! i told him hes right! but apparently thats not enough. he likes to torture me indirectly. and its getting to me. english tomorrow is gonna be awkward as hell w/ me not talking to him... im going to make it painfully obvious how ticked i am.
what the hell do i have to do or say to make him quit?!
i feel like im reliving my relationship with mark all over again.
only this time theres no boundaries.
i dont know what to do. i swear to god, lucass is 2 different people.. the jerk who parties and likes cc sluts.. and the understanding sweetie who dreams of being with me and thinks im the cutest thing and poked me while we watched pokemon in his room.
i dont know where to go from here.
i just want this to end.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 1 December :: 12.25 pm
:: Mood: mellow... semi-tired, semi-motivated
:: Music: goo goo dolls - what do you need?
some of my numerous rambling thoughts...
and this aint easy to admit
no one needs to know what goes on behind that door of mine
im kicking through the walls in my mind
i cant stand without you
and i cant find the answers when youre gone
but its over to you
(goo goo dolls - its over)
hi.
i love driving and/or riding. just blasting my headphones full of wistful rock, looking out the windows at the dark, dead countryside between here and the lansing area that ive driven through so much in the past 10 years since we moved to grand rapids that i have the landscape memorized.
i love tuning out and just listening to the music. it makes me realize how much i miss writing.. and how badly i need to get ontop of that whole "i wanna learn to play guitar" thing.
in songs, you can just say whatever the hell you want. express yourself when no one else will listen anymore. like now. i can talk to him without him even knowing. tell him all the things i hate. how much i want to be nothing he is. but how much i admire him for everything he is...
and then i remember that he was the one who was going to teach me to play guitar.
and suddenly, i remember that cd of songs he wrote me that he never got to record for my birthday (his dad took away his recording stuff a week before my bday). and i cry simply because i have never heard him play any of them for me.
and now i never will.
"cause its over to you"
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 30 November :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: tired, antisocial
:: Music: alkaline trio - radio
god dammit, lucass
i dont know what the fuck is going on in that drugged up head of his, but its starting to *really* get to me.
Auto-Response from mle3 102: mle is antisocial. go away.
oh hear you me: i like my friends, and i like hanging out with them. and a big part of it is they do not act like you and get all emotional and moody. have fun
oh hear you me: when people act screwy generally you have to just say, its ok this time, everyone gets a lil emotional
oh hear you me: but when someone does it on a fucking daily basis
oh hear you me: it just gets old
oh hear you me signed off at 11:30:55 AM.
(he blocked me)
... 5 min later on a different screen name...
ylime3102: you know what? im fuckin sick of hearing about your blowout parties. maybe i do get moody a little too often. and if you dont want to deal w/ that, then thats fine w/ me. but thats your decision, not mine cause i dont like to be rude and end friendships over stupid differences like that. you saw the way i was from day one. why did u keep pursuing if it bothered you that much?
(stupid away msg from him)
ylime3102: lucas please come here and talk to me
ylime3102: ok, i give up. you win - i suck. just leave me alone.
oh hear you me: k
(i sign off)
i dont know what to do. so im going to bed. i think ive slept more than ive been awake lately. 3 hour nap on thanksgiving, 3 hour nap yesterday, 11 hours of sleep last night, going to bed now...
you know what? if people are gonna treat me this way, thats fine with me.
ill just fucking sleep my life away.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 27 November :: 11.21 am
:: Mood: cold (west never has the heat on)
:: Music: goo goo dolls - sympathy
hump day + friday = mle happy
but ive still been thinking. a lot lately. stupid insomnia :)
why does it always feel so wrong?
what do you need from me tonight?
the truth is so complicated
(goo goo dolls - its over)
so many people have proved themselves to be different than i thought. than i want.
marcus, matt, lucass... wow, all guys. see a tendancy?
ive been wishing way too hard, and i think the truth is finally smashing my dreams. these guys arent what i wished they were. and i know theres no way to change them.
but dammit, im not changing for them either.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 26 November :: 2.17 am
:: Mood: cold. restless
:: Music: goo goo dolls
im really getting sick of this little game w/ boys
(me and marcus)
MoNkEy46290: speaking of hot girls that emily that was with you was hot
mle3 102: lol
MoNkEy46290: are you laughing at me
mle3 102: idk. i just find that amusing
(and hurtful) im way too easily influenced/hurt. and now im over-analyzing friday night when emily alt was w/ us
plus stuff is uh.. really startin up w/ lucass. ive had a ton of guys ask me bout him (like if anythings goin on) and kevin is obsessed w/ thinkin there is sumthin. just because hes in our little group of him me lucass ju and dubs in english and me and lucass just sit there and flirt all hour. uh, im sorry.
lucass likes to tell me how cute i am. "you have the cutest profile" um, ive never heard that one before lol. and i cant exactly see myself from that perspective, so i cant contradict him. but then again, he also thinks its cute how my thongs never match. lol apparently him and kevin have too much time sitting behind me...
we're still talking.. at 230 on a school night. oops i guess. but hes telling me about a dream where we kissed. and ever since then hes been planning on it.
big whoop, right? i mean, me of all people think kissing is no biggie. but something is different this time... this is lucass... and no matter how much i struggle to hold onto my little cloud of lonerness, i think im falling...
god dammit. i give up.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 25 November :: 4.25 pm
:: Mood: muy tired
:: Music: none. im on the new basement computer - tryin to get the network to work so i can listen to my music
boys, boys, boys
so many possibilities, so little interest
well i brought eric (from my p2p trip to europe 2001) to that goo concert. andrea and gail were workin the concession stands, so when we got bored in between acts, we went out and talked to em a few random times.
today, ann stopped me in the hall and was like "did u get the hookup with that guy you were with?" and i was like, uh no. lol. "u didnt even kiss him?" no, not that night. "liar! *laughs* you shouldve! he was way cute!" *end discussion*
i kinda have wondered about me and eric sometimes... hes the biggest sweetheart in the world. he would do anything for me. i mean, yea we have kissed and everything. and i keep thinking about how he acted in the concert... im getting caught up on the little things. it just felt normal, right, perfect. standing there, watching my little johnny rzeznik play my songs with eric's arms around me, tapping the beat on my hip.
when i looked at his senior pictures, one is smiling, one is serious. he looks like such a respectable guy in the serious one. the man. the same man who beat the shit outta a guy who his his friend (girl). the same man who would do anything to protect his friends.
but in the smiling one, i see the same little boy ive known for a year and half. flirty little eric.
and i know im over-analyzing this.
and lucass... i had to cancel our plans for today :( we were gonna go walk through lincoln park and smoke a a little and then go lay in his bunk bed and watch fight club and the nightmare before christmas. and he was gonna play his songs that he wrote for me. about me. i still have yet to hear them...
Auto response from nOgARBAGEgOO182: and lately my bed is sounding more welcoming than ever...
oh hear you me: christ if you werent ever NOT taking a nap id faint
<3 lucass ;)
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 24 November :: 9.17 pm
:: Mood: idk...
:: Music: christina aguilera - beautiful
seeing johnny rzeznik play 50 ft away from me was the best thing thats ever happened in my life
except for the pure hell of the aftermath
goo concert. :) yay! muy bien, gracias. lol.
but mad shit went down afterwards. like, so bad that i cant even talk about it. matt is the only person other than the rents that knows, and thats how it will be for forever. i almost didnt tell him.. but i had to talk to someone.
but this is different than the other times ive screwed up. im not trying to get out of the consequences. and i have no intention of being anywhere near the same situation again.
i wouldnt be surprised if my entire life changed because of this. i cant beleive i could let myself do that... it absolutely tears me up inside. ive never felt more guilty and disappointed in myself in my life.
my rents are not exactly happy either. i overheard gerald saying "shes gonna turn out just like julie" (his sister) as i washed my face at 230am, when our talk got done. i wont turn out like her. ever. or renee (my cousin). or uncle doug. or anyone else in gerald's family. i want to be anything but that.
in church today, the priest said something about "and the worst is those who trouble us". my mom burst into tears. perfect timing, eh? im dying on the inside. maybe this is what actual moral remorse feels like...
stranger than your sympathy
and this is my apology
killing myself from the inside out
and all my fears have pushed you out
and i wished for things that i dont need
all i wanted
and what i chased wont set me free
all i wanted
and i get scared but im not crawling on my knees
everythings all wrong, yea
everythings all wrong, yea
where the hell did i think i was?...
its hard to lead the life you choose
all i wanted
when all your lucks run out on you
all i wanted
and you cant see when all your dreams are coming true
its easy to forget, yea
you choke on the regrets, yea
who the hell did i think i was?...
and i wasnt all the things i tried to make believe i was
and i wouldnt be the one to kneel before the dreams i wanted
and all the talk and all the lies
were all the empty things disguised as me
(goo goo dolls – sympathy)
and ive been slowly realizing that i want to be anything but me.
counseling, here i come again... whether or not i want it.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 23 November :: 9.47 am
:: Mood: waking up, cold
:: Music: goo goo dolls - slide (concert tonight!!)
matt, what are you doing?
i tell him every weekend i hate how we fight. hes totally jk. but i dont kid-fight. when i fight, i fight. im not a fan of fighting. he should know that more than anyone else.
im so frustrated that hes knows so much about me - what i need, what hurts me, where i am - but yet he does things he knows goes against them.
alters came w/ me last night and we ended up at matts watchin the 2nd star wars. for the last half hour or so, while alters and marcus attacked each other w/ nerf guns and aaron pete and tim played monkey ball, matt played a game on his computer. and i sat in a chair behind him- just staring at him. i thought about everything thats going on. it hurts me so much. i just wish he didnt have to push me away in front of everyone to prove that hes over me. he runs so hot/cold with me, and i was ready to just say screw you.
but then i get this feeling inside. the same feeling that gets me attached way too soon every time. i think about how much i cant believe hes really happy living the way he does. all his life, hes locked himself up and just sat around playing games to releive the pain. he doesnt trust anyone. not even me.
i want to change that. i want to make him see that "not everyone is that fucked up and cold"
so im caught in between. do i say fuck him and make shit weird (and lose my main confidant), or do i keep reaching my hand out just to get burned?
i consider matt my best friend as of now. but i dont think i mean anything to him.
marcus. once again. i think i want him... alters picked up on it. i wish soo bad i knew what goes through his head. we stopped talking for a while after our awkward little "date" lol. but the past few days weve been talking. not as nearly sex-centered or flirty as before, but still talking. and last night... idk. i think im pushing myself to like him just to have someone to look forward to and flirt w/. but then again.. i do kinda like him.. ahh! boys! lol
ok. showertime. i got a hot date tonight for the goo concert. eric ;) hahaha.
mle
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 17 November :: 6.20 pm
:: Mood: neutral thinkage
:: Music: our lady peace - somewhere out there
msu partying w/ my sis last night
to lisa: "you look like someone i used to work w/" hmm maybe bc u did work together lol
to me: "you look like someone i used to date"
hey, we shoulda made the 2nd one true too.
lets just say i am such a sucker for attention from guys. especially agressive, abusive attention. last night wasnt an instance of the abusive kind, but thats sumthin i definitely get tangled up in easily.
but as soon as i lost my 2 guys and we went into our 4th and biggest party, i went into "mle sucks" mode and went home at like 1am. im such a wuss.
apparently, not enough alcohol. or, more likely, not enough molesting from guys.
mle
PS oh yea, and its really awkward when the hot brothers randomly end up at the booth next to you the next morning for breakfast and you keep catching him looking at you over everyones' shoulders...
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 12 November :: 4.56 pm
:: Mood: gettin hyper (amy does that to me :) lol)
:: Music: jimmy eat world - praise chorus
(lucass)
and for you uncultured folks, japanation is the pokemon-style cartoons
november 11, 2002
japanation on tv
we lie sprawled on the bottom bunk.
the bible is in the trash.
stairs creak in near distance.
your sister loves me.
do you?
breathe out. strum your guitar.
your coffee is strong and getting cold.
you smoke a broken cigarette.
and for a moment, my world is right side up,
watching japanation on tv.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2002 11 November :: 10.48 pm
:: Mood: exhausted. procrastinating
:: Music: none. new computer doesnt have speakers set up yet
random thing i stole from laura stilley's journal
// series one - as usual
-- Name: mle
-- Birthdate: oct 21 86
-- Birthplace: grand rapids
-- Current Location: good ole gr
-- Eye Color: blue/grey
-- Hair Color: uh, the red is mostly washed out so now its kinda a half-blonde, half-normal-looking redhead, half brown shade. lol. i think its funny
-- Righty or Lefty: rightey
-- Zodiac Sign: libra
-- Innie or Outtie: innie
// series two - describe
-- Your heritage: italian (uh, w/ a last name like casari, i sound pretty damned italian), german.. random bits of english and scottish i beleive
-- The shoes you wore today: my white adidas shoes w/ hot pink stripes that r 2 sizes too big and i never tie em so they just clunk around :)
-- Your hair: lets just say mle is massive scrub today
-- Your weakness?: thinking and sleeping
-- Your fears: myself
-- Your perfect pizza: food is evil
-- One thing you'd like to achieve: reach one of my numerous goals that are way far out there
// series three - what is
-- Your most overused phrase on aim: any kind of smiley :) or "hi"
-- Your thoughts first waking up: i miss my dreams already
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: eyes/smile and clothes
-- Your best physical feature: none exist
-- Your bedtime: eh, early am sometime
-- Your greatest accomplishment: uh, does not exist either
// series four - you prefer
-- Pepsi or coke: diet coke = ultimate cheerleader drink ;)
-- McDonald's or Burger King: food = evil
-- Single or group dates: group dates r usually awkward, but based on what happend w/ marcus on fri, so are single dates
-- Adidas or nike: adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: yuk
-- Chocolate or vanilla: food is evil
-- Cappuccino or coffee: mmm cappucino :)
-- Boxers or briefs: (on guys) boxers
// series five - do you
-- Smoke: not a fan of cigarettes.
-- Cuss: fuck you
-- Sing well: na
-- Take a shower everyday: yes im obsessed w/ showering
-- Have a crush(es): uh i just got over that one
-- who are they: used to be marcus. but thats so over w/
-- Do you think you've been in love: yea.
-- Want to go to college: omg i cant wait to get outt hs
-- Like high school: hate it
-- Want to get married: dont want to think about it now
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: yup
-- Believe in yourself: ha
-- Get motion sickness: no
-- Think you're a health freak: you dont even know the meaning of health freak till uve seen my bro...
-- Get along with your parents: yes, lets NOT go there right now
-- Like thunderstorms: si. es muy cool :)
-- Play an instrument: nuthin worth bragging bout
// series six - in the past month, did/have you
-- Drank alcohol: not since h.coming (thats a long time for me) stupid driving!
-- Smoke(d): no
-- Done a drug: a few
-- Have Sex: no
-- Made Out: umm i dont think so
-- Gone on a date: not an "official" date, but yea
-- Gone to the mall?: just to get app's
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: thats not funny
-- Eaten sushi: mle = vegetarian
-- Been on stage: does sitting on the stage during club/organization pic day count?
-- Been dumped: nope. no significant other to dump
-- Gone skating: no
-- Made homemade cookies: yes, tonight actually. god, im everybody's bitch arent i?
-- Been in love: nope
-- Gone skinny dipping: nah
-- Dyed your hair: yup :)
-- Stolen anything: i dont remember...
// series seven - have you ever
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing?: yeah
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: hahaha on numerous occasions
-- Been caught "doing something": yes. a few times actually
-- Been called a tease: oh yea
--Got beaten up: nah. im a lova, not a fighta.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no. more like changed who i am to get out
// series eight - the future
-- Age you hope to be married: dude. im 16. dont talk about marriage.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: kids. ahh!
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: enough w/ the marriage deal
-- How do you want to die: pastered off my ass
-- Where you want to go to college: college for creative studies. but im not good enough so ill end up at msu
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: idk. maybe sumthin w/ design. or business. or retail. that ballpark
-- What country would you most like to visit: italy
// series nine - opposite sex
-- Best eye color?: blue
-- Best hair color?: no big preference.
-- Short or long hair?: depends on the guy - usually short
-- Best height: anything 5 6 to like 6 2 ish. idk - not picky
-- Best weight: skinny guys r hot :)
-- Best articles of clothing: goodwill polos that r too small or old skool band tees
-- Best first date location: party ;)
-- Best first kiss location: downtown :) <3 downtown
// series ten - number of
-- Number of girls I have kissed in my life: um. on the mouth? like 2ish
-- Number of boys I have kissed: um let me count... im think 10+, but that doesnt count that one party i was a skank at, or whenever ive been drunk
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: i think 3...
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: almost everyone. im too trusting/open
-- Number of CDs that I own: lets jsut say i have a burner and 3000+ songs on my hard drive. :)
-- Number of piercings: ears twice and cartilage. belly button this wknd?
--What are they: see above
-- Number of tattoos: none
--What are they? on my bumhole
-- Number of scars on my body: lots
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: everything
go ahead. do it. |
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