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2004 22 March :: 8.14 am
I feel heavily sedated. Oh I’m not mind-numb or anything of the sort, no I’m totally aware and conscious. But my body feels like it’s not mine. It’s interesting. It made me happy at first. Then I started to cry. I’ve pictured myself being a lot of places. Not all of them were good. I’ve pictured myself in the gutter, on the streets, lying in a hospital bed, cast out of my own home, helpless on my back in a dark alley. I’ve pictured myself in a lot of places. But I never pictured myself here. I mean here. Here, where genius is disregarded for the sake of blood. Here where just by being born a woman I have forfeited every right granted to man. Here where I cannot escape, yet I cannot stay. It’s scary. I didn’t think my ambitions and dreams would crumble while I’m this sedated. It’s like it’s not happening to me, like it’s someone else. Someone who looks like me, someone who sounds like me, someone who lives like me, but it can’t be me. It just can’t be me who’s going to end up here. I don’t want to believe it. after my doctors appointments and treatments, I asked my mother for a favor: take me to the ministry of higher education, let me ask them what it takes to leave. A delightful woman talked to us. She said things, a lot of things. She said there were no scholarships for political science, especially for women. She said even if I did get a scholarship, got my degree, my country wouldn’t give me a job, not in politics anyway. I told her I would go to the United Nations. She laughed. In the end, she happily advised me to major in either web design, or accounting. I cried. My effort, my life, my dreams, my ambitions, all my plans for the future, and she told me to take a dead end job where I would remain, a dark room with a tiny window, going over the money rich men spend, figuring out if they would be able to afford a new helicopter or not, or making websites for a living, advertising the very evil I loathe. I cried. The car ride home my mother lectured me on weakness. She said with a personality like mine, a weak sniveling little girl like me would never amount to anything. She told me I had to grow up, act my age, stop pretending life is roses and sunshine. The more she lectured the more I cried. I didn’t cry because I was weak or sad, I cried because I was angry. Every other word she reminded me that even if I got an exceptional major and studied it, there was no chance I was living and working abroad. This is my country, this is my home, I was supposed to serve it. I cried. My home doesn’t want me, my country doesn’t want me, yet I still have to stay, pretend I care, work to make the man more money. I didn’t say anything the entire way home. It seemed like an awfully long ride. I’m not weak. I’m just angry. I wanted to yell and scream, ask my mother was she blind? Shake her and drive it through her head, it wasn’t about who I was, it was about who I wanted to be. I don’t want to be rich, I don’t want to be average, I don’t want to die and know the only people that will ever know my name are the people that knew me personally. What about the world? I wanted to ask. What about the rest of the world, they’ll never know me they’ll never hear me speak they’ll never see me smile for them. I’ll live, and I’ll become rich, I will most probably not marry nor bear children, but I will die, and leave the world just as I came into it. I wouldn’t have meant a thing. My existence would be a number, a social security card, a pile of discarded clothes. I never thought I would end up here. When did it happen?
1 shot darling |
bang bang |
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2004 20 March :: 5.06 am
your mom. and THEN. AC's mom. and THEN GOLDFISH'S MOM! end.
1 shot darling |
bang bang |
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2004 14 March :: 3.15 am
DUUUUDE! WOOHU'S DYING!
people! WARNING! woohu's closing down! i just spent a good half hour saving all my journal entries on disk, and you should all do the same! IT'S CLOSING DOWN! *cries* i'm gonna miss woohu. seriously, i never enjoyed keeping an online journal the way i enjoyed woohu. screw livejournal and deadjournal and all else, i like woohu best! in fact, i (heart) woohu! *draws a heart with two forefingers* i'll miss it immensely. however, thank you andy (my andy) for telling me about it and thank andy (website's andy) for making it. *sigh* farewell woohu.
7 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2004 13 March :: 12.10 pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: muse - citzen erased
untitled
please don't go away, i beg
maybe if it lasts
i'll just die away
crawling, on bloody feet i'm crawling
it works better for you
and it claims well to me
apart we grow stronger
united you make me fall apart
hold out for something more powerful
there's nothing more powerful than this
that which you've wildly accepted
strongly embraced
violently rejected to return to me
i wait for company
i wait for salvation from misery
no longer awaiting something nice
no longer awaiting undying passion
i don't beleive in love
i don't believe in heart
i don't beleive in you
1 shot darling |
bang bang |
::
2004 8 March :: 2.05 am
You must like to spank or be spanked, because your
romance is remeniscent of Secretary. A truly
modern love story, it shows that you don't need
to be conventional to be normal. You're
probably the type that owns a whole lot more
leather than what's upholstering your car or
sofa. Yeah, you know what I mean.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Desire, the fifth of The Endless, yours is the
realm of lust, want, passion, and, of course,
desire. You tend to be selfish, only concerning
yourself with your own needs, and you have no
scruples about using your absolute draw over
the opposite sex to get your way. You love
being around people, because it's never long
before they give in to your will.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your a Dark Angel...and hey, you probably knew it.
Dark angel are in truth, very malicious, but a
sign of one also is very sad. Dark Angel all
used to be pure angels, but something went very
wrong with their life. Either it was the
sudden, murder of a loved one, betrayl, or pure
torture to them, dark angels have commited
their life to Satan himself. They are silent,
and their wings are dark black feathers, or
blood red. Dark Angels appear when there is
someone dying, or a murder. If you see one, it
means the death of a loved one is expected.
Dark Angels cannot actually harm a human, but
they love to see the suffering of one.
What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
Sixes are a whole bunch of words; harmony,
friendship, family life, loyal, reliable,
loving, and you adapt easily. You do well in
teaching and the arts, but are often
unsuccessful in business. You are prone to
gossip and complacency. The Pythagoreans
regarded six as the perfect number because of
lots of math things; six is divisible by both
two and three, and was the sum and well as the
product of the first three digits. Please rate
my quiz.
What does your name and arithmacy say about you? (some simple knowledge of adding is required on your part)
brought to you by Quizilla
bang bang |
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2004 8 March :: 1.41 am
You are Kristina of Sweden. She was the King of
Sweden in the 1600's, and I say 'King' because
she demanded it. She was one of the first
feminists around; wearing pants, fighting with
men, and ruling a country. You have radical
ideas and will fight for them. You often
understand better than most the hard work that
is needed. You most always get your way; by
saying something and standing by it. Love
really doesn't concern you, nor do good looks.
Kristina, in fact, had a disfigured shoulder
because she was dropped as a baby. The best
word to discribe you is strong. Please rate my
quiz.
What famous female ruler are you? (written for the girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
bang bang |
::
2004 6 March :: 5.56 am
:: Music: ramstein - sonne
i just had this deeeep stimluating conversation with tamma all through physics class, and now he looks at me like he has "newfound resptect" for me or something. i think he always thought of me as a kind of airhead slut, (yes there's a reason for that, no i don't feel like explaining) but now he looks at me like i'm someone smart. which i am, i just don't enjoy flaunting it. we spent all class talking baout time, and how if we surpassed the speed of light then occurences in time wouldn't mean a thing. he told me he doesn't believe in any religiobn because it's something he felt was forced on him at birth. i told him i've been around my share of religions, and that Islam is the only one i could believe in. so he decided he believed in God, or as he put it, a force that designed and now controls the universe, (or the multiverse, we'll get to that) just not as God is described in any religion. we talked about dimensions, and i told him i believed heaven and hell were not physical, but on an upper dimension, like on the fifth dimension or a sixth dimension or a tenth dimension, where time means nothing, and tha'ts why it's eternal. it's like, that story where the prophet (PBUH) visited the heavens and saw all the people in heaven and all the people in hell and that's impossible on a three-dimensional level because that hasn't happened yet, no one is in heaven or hell yet. then we got to talking about what if time is not consistent, time isn't a consistency, and we only made it one so that we can use it as a reference, and it's just WRONG. that blew years of einstein's theories into shyt right there, but htat's not where we ended. what if, i built a time machine, then went back in time to the supermarket where my grandparents met, and stopped them from meeting. they would have never met, they wouldn't have had my parent, then i would have never been born. BUT if i had never been born, then that means that i couldn't have built the time machine ,adn i couldn't have gone back in time and stopped them from meeting, thus, they would have met and i would have been born anyway. trippy eh? it got real interesting after that, and i asked him my favorite question: where do you think the end of the universe it? he said it was infinite. i said what about hte multiverse? he said he didn't believe in one. but i argued, if there's nothing absolutely small and tiny and absolute that everything else is made out of (like an atom, made out of subatomic particles) then why isn't the opposite end of the spectrum true? why isn't everything large included in something bigger? the universe must be included in a larger multiverse. i argued my point beautifully. then we got into childhood. i told him when i was a kid i used to wonder "what if the colour blue is differently perceived in each person's mind? what if my blue is someone else's red? maybe that's why people have diffferent tastes?" he said i was a bright child. i said i was just messed up (by fifth grade i'd read moby dick and "history of time" by stephen hawkins) and he agreed. well school's over so now i have to go home. but thank you for reading (if you were foolish enough to have read) but whoa... i feel so intellectually stimulated. and now he respects me. IN YOUR FACE COCKY GOLDFISH!
bang bang |
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2004 4 March :: 9.05 am
teeheehee... perovich saw my bra teeheehee.
2 shot darlings |
bang bang |
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2004 4 March :: 9.02 am
bang bang |
::
2004 3 March :: 2.53 am
:: Music: dave matthews - so damn lucky
YIPPEEEEE!
woohu! i'm having a good morning. last night, i spent from 7 to 2 online, doing my physics lab, and i was freaking, and my heart was whacking out. but when i was done, it was just like " BREATHE! " and i smiled ear to ear as i lay in my bed, closing my eyes, waiting for sleep. ofcourse it didn't come, and i stopped teh alarm before it even rang to get up and get dressed. i cleaned the kitched a bit, did the dishes, and whipped up lunch for today, then at 7 i woke my mother up for school. i was tired as fuck, naturally, since this has become my fifth consuecutive day with no sleep at all, but what ever, at least i was alive. well first period i ahd religion, which was fun with AC, and second period, as i proudly prepared to hand in my lab, i blinked... YOUNG WAS ABSENT! WOOHU! YES! ABSENSE OF THE TEACHER! HAIL THE LORD! we had a lab test, but it was easy fuck, on gravity (say it with me... ninth grade) well i'm in third period now but before i came to class, i went to perovich's class to give fredubine/andy the pictures of him to get them signed. well, i'm stnading there showing her the pictures (fredubine) and perovich comes up from behind us and goes "HELLO!" and fredubine FREAKS like she's having a heart attack! i laughed so ahrd! so i mini-hugged andy and gave her the notebook, threatened hisham and was on my merry way. i'm just in such a good mood. and OMG! YOU GUYS! TAMMAM HUGGED ME! it was hilarious! he asked me how i did on the lab and i was like " oh great thank you soooo much " and helaughs and hugs me and goes " ofcourse, no problem, we did this lab TOGETHER " i was all "ehe, ehe, okey dokey then " it was freaky, but funny. he gives good hugs. NOT BETTERN' YOURS ANDY! well i'm here now, blogging baout all this, and i'm soooo happy. i missed the feeling. i like it. it's pleasurable. thank God for blessing me with it again.
oh, and AC, i want to be more like you. realistic, practical. i lost a stone that was very special to me, and initially i freaked, but then i thought, that stone isn't what's so special, it's the person who gave it to me, and i don't need a friggin stone to remind me of him. so there, accomplishment. today's a good day. now if only i can get some sleep
oh p.s. ra7oom lent me this CD by DAVE MATTHEWS (without the band) called SOME DEVIL and i love it! it's so feel good and mellowed out.
p.s.s. i met zazu last night! his avatar was a picture of orichimaru's cursed seal drawn in his arm, WITH THE PROTECVTICE LOCKED SEAL AROUND IT! i wanna learn to draw that! he says andy saw it on his arms nw ent "here add her" and he seems pretty nice andy. he said he'd hear stories about me, ToTo, and stiglio and the vertically challenged anti-christ but never met any of em. so yay! well that's all for now.
3 shot darlings |
bang bang |
::
2004 2 March :: 12.42 am
:: Music: AC DC - rock n roll
people, UGH
some people deserve broken noses. seriously, like, there's a fine line between joking and being tasteless. and that's why some people deserve broken noses (is justifying hitting him, which i will)
1 shot darling |
bang bang |
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2004 28 February :: 2.19 am
the promised land
low ways
underhand
to save
the promised land
i cared, i tried
but i won't be there
i can't believe i tried
because now
i'm losing all
right now, i lose
you pray
you're on your knees
you beg
"God, oh, please..."
it makes no sense
and i know you feel
you're wrong, foolishness
but now
you're losing all
right now, you're losing all
we're losing all
right now, we're losing all
we waste
religion and
our faith
the promised land
but i can't believe
i'm losing all
bang bang |
::
2004 28 February :: 1.51 am
You are ToTo/Concubine/Fajeh!!!!
Which of "The Gang" are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
LMFAO are you kidding me?! there are random people taking this test but ONLY ONE tOtO! *stands on a cliff with the wind in her hair* you should add some descriptions to these, i'm interested in hearing mine own. oh and do i really look like that...?
bang bang |
::
2004 25 February :: 9.00 am
You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough."
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla
in my eyes you have lost someone you love or wish
you loved. i think youll find the right person
one day. good luck. (rate?)
in my eyes you are...(pics and different outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla
1 shot darling |
bang bang |
::
2004 22 February :: 10.32 am
Sex
Take my hand before you go
I want to feel your skin once more
Remember nights of heat and steam
Remembering I thought it a dream
There was sweat, there was magic
It was paradise, we were tragic
You curled your lips because all was well
And we were happy, I could tell
It was dark, but we were awake
I started to breathe then I started to shake
I remember your hot breath so cold to me
And crying out in ecstasy
We gave one another all we had
Then laughed and cried and nearly went mad
And swore to one another on that night
That what we were doing was right
So we tangled in bed, the covers a mess
I tremble at the memory of your caress
Your lips and mine in gentle press
Our bodies were all that we possessed
The thrill of your body sticky against mine
The tickle and chill up and down my spine
Though I sweat my body went cold
And so did yours in my hold
But we grabbed on as if in fear
That it was all a dream and we weren’t really here
And when your tongue lapped on my lazy shore
I couldn’t help but ask for more
No matter if push came to shove
I swore to you I was in love
In or out of the mood I was in
I made love to you far deeper than skin
And loved one another in our fornication
I made sounds of delight you made sounds of exclamation
The ocean and its motion stormed the sea
Left us high in our ecstasy
To dream to be what we wanted to be
I was with you, and you with me
The night’s still young so don’t stop now
I will make you happy if you show me how
And whisper secrets our bodies can share
Then seal a contract more scared than a swear
If and when the sun leaves the sea
It will be day again eventually
It’s more than life, out bodies are at stake
And when it’s finally over, we’re the only ones awake
And the world is hazy in an untimely mist
Your lips still wet from the last time we kissed
Yet even with the brightening dawn
Last night and its life linger on
I to this day don’t believe it was fate
Only that one night was worth the wait
And that if I were to do it again
I would never be as happy as I was back then
The sun is out now, day is here
Time has passed, just over half a year
I remember it still, to this very day
The emotional lust, the physical way
So take my hand before you go
I just want to feel your skin once more
1 shot darling |
bang bang |
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