not only am i truly being contemplative, but i just said "cum" twice! HAHAHAHA
prostitue, climb back down from the floor. please don't fuck aorund and die like this cuz i love her.... i love this song! i'm in computers and the teacher is doibng th eexam for us, like on his big projector thing, and it scared me so fuckless i don't wanna look anymore. ignore its in like six days. i just had a physics test i did impressively well in. it was so cool. things are going great for now. i love it. last night i stayed up for a while talking to blag online. he's such a great guy. i mean truly, inside he's just an incredible human being. i could stand to learn a few things from him. he doesn't just treat me like i'm his fuck-buddy, he treats me like i'm a girl and as a FRIEND. he always finds things to say that make me blush because i don't know what to say in return. no one's treated me so beautifully since scottie, and it feels real nice. i could get used to this. the crowning glory of it has gotta be either when he told me he was gonne pay his undivided attention to me cuz i deserve it, or when he said he couldn't find anyone like me in a million. i get scared, because i don't want this to grow into something serious. for one thing, i'm tired of the pressures of relationships, and for another, i would feel so guilty if someone attatched me to their joys and happinesses. my heart's been acting up lately and i just wanna have fun before it all ends you know? maybe that's why i got into this, maybe that's why i've switched lifestyles so drastically in the past year. i jsut wanna live before i die. this is living. i don't want this to cahnge, not for a while. i'm ready to die now.

wake me when this punishment is done
i've been listening to nothing but foo fighters for over an hour. i think it's getting to me.... hmmm.... so yes, faggot faggot. fucking bookfair, i got so pissed this morning when i walked into the auditorium, expecting ass, and finding KIDS walking aorund looking at BOOKS. ugh, i wanted to gouge someone's eyes out. but then at lunch, i let blag put his head in my lap and i kept touching his hair and it felt nice, i love his hair. and then i did kick ass on my math test! yay! then the physics teacher called my mom to tell her i was improving greatly on my tests, quizzes and labs (bullshyt he'd say anything to get out of having a meeting with her! i think he's really scared of her....) and then aunty diana told my mom i was kicking ass in math and now she's all happy with me so YAY! i should be doing my homework....

shyt i just found that old picture of boozie and kaileen and me, the one scottie took. i miss them all, i miss kaileen and how sisterly she made me feel, i miss boozie and her fun careless ways. most of all i miss scottie, my baby, and the way he loved me so much it hurt. i miss how he used to move my hair out of my eyes, and how he always hugged me close when we danced, and how he put his finger under my chin when we kissed. i miss his eyes, and how they made me think of water, and his voice, how it was different when he talked to me. i miss how whenever i saw him, my whole life felt worth living, and everything lit up so bright i felt like exploding. i miss him so much, i wish he was here with me, i wish i could have just seen him one last time, kissed him one last time, told him one last time how much i loved him. but he's gone for good, and no amount of missing or wishing could ever bring him back. i'm crying just thinking about it, about how we defied the world to be together, and now it's just like... where did it go? i gave up the world for you, and now you're just not here anymore. if he hadn't gone to the chalet, if he had just stayed home, stayed with me, stayed alive, things would have been so different. everything would be better, because i could cry over the stupidest thing in the world and he'd hold me and make me feel like it's ok, and then he would kiss me that way only he can, only he could. i miss him so much... i miss you scottie, i miss you wherever you go. i miss you when i'm awake, and i miss you when i'm dreaming of you, because you were the world to me, and you made me feel like i was the world to you. i don't know where you are now, and i don't know if you know, but i would have taken your place in a heartbeat, if it only meant i could have had one more kiss, just to let you know i sitll love you, and i will until the day i die, because death can never get in between us. i love you scottie...

i'm thinking of you til it hurts...
i don't know what's going on in my head. i really wish i knew but i just don't. everyone around me is so upset, i can't be happy, and it bites! and then i just feel like i'm out of it, and i'm losing control of it all, and i know if i eat anything now i'm gonna purge it and i don't want to, i just wish.... this morning when i took a shower and went to kiss my mother hello, she looked through the flaps of my bathrobe at my neck and goes "what's that?" it was a hickey. right, lieki needed that. good thing she didn't recognise what it was, and even better my brother didn't notice it. and then i had to go to my dad's house, and babysit the two fucking kids, while listening ot my stepmom gush that me n al-ghalia (my half-sister) look EXACTLY the same. as if i'd look the same as that ugly bitch... and now i'm home alone and i jsut wish this could be my life, without my family. this is the only time this house feels like home, when it's absolutely empty, and it's just me and the cat and my music. i don't want them to come home, ever. it's horrible of me, and i wouldn't even be living here if it weren't for them, but i just don't want them to be a part of my life anymore. i wonder if anyone could provide me a place to stay if i got out? i wish i sitll had my 3eediya money, but i gave that to my brother to spend on the hosue when my mom went to lebanon. she still hasn't payed me back, about 40KD (like what, 120$) and i'm broke cuz my brother just took the last 3KD i had. whatever, fuck it, they'd probably hunt me down and drag me back to hell if i left anyhow. shyt i can't wait til i go to university. i hate this fuckin place, and i'm starting to hate everything baout it. i don't hate the people no they're good people. i just hate the things they do. fuck, i wanna hit something...

fuck off
today pissed me off. what with my brother and my mom going to dickie's without me, even though my treacherous backstabbing brother KNEW i've been dying to go there in ages, before he came parading his purchases under my nose, over my physics homework. i mean, i woke up at like noon and got up, cleaned the house, swept the rugs, did the laundry, made lunch, vaccumed the hall, tidied all their rooms and beds, changed the cat's litter, and worked on my homework, while they were out shopping. how rude! wait it gets better, my mom left for a party that she came home form at like 1, dressed like all that, and i stayed home, fucking studying for fucking exams. my brother was out all day God knows where. oh but wait! it gets even BETTER! when my mom got home, she started yelling at me about my grades. WHAT THE FUCK?! i feel like shooting somebody i swear. i just wanna go to my dad's house, go to school, ANYTHING ot get out of here, i just don't think i can stand being home anymore! my mother's gone insane, not in modern slang terms, i mean she's actually diagnostically going insane, like my grandmother, and my brother acts like this is a hotel. he comes here to shower and dress and eat, but does everything else elsewhere. and i'm like the keeper, you know, the little maid, "can i get you anything? is your food to cold? you want me to heat that up for you? is it too hot? you want me to fan it and blow on it? please let me get up to change your channels. please call me from the living room so that i can turn the lights off in your room. please let me send all your messages and take all your fone calls. oh can i wash your underwear by hand? goodie do i get to change the cat's shyt?" UGH i wanna get out of here! i can't stand living here, i jsut can't, i'm going crazy, i need to leave i need somewhere i can breathe. no wonder i get to school so early, no wonder i get home so late, it's not circumstance, i jsut don't want to be home anymore. i want to go somewhere and just vanish, and die and i don't want any of my family or friends to show up, because they can't possibly imagine. i have random people coming up to me going "oh my life's over! my boyfriend broke up with me!" and it's like "yeah i had to get a job so that i could pay for my own surgery because my mother couldn't afford it and my father simply wouldn't, you really think i give a fuck about your social issues?" i sued to wish i had such petty worries as everyone else, but it's so much more complicated for me! i hate where my life is headed, maybe that's why i haven't eaten a thing all day. if i'm lucky, i might jsut starve to death and give everyone a rest. i don't feel like fucking slaving for anybody anymore. the floors i spent half my morning washing, no one even noticed. instead it was a "why isn't there any toilet paper in the guest's bathroom?" kinda thing, where not only are my achievements being ignored, but i am being criticised for that which is minute and STUPID. when i wouldn't serve my brother his lunch in his room, he got up and did it himself, screaming the entire time that he had to do everything in the fuckin house, and that i odn't understand that he's been working hard all day. so he had an exam for less than an hour, an exam he laughed off when i asked him about it, and he drove to school to drop off my portfolio, and then spent the rest of the morning shopping, and HE'S the one slaving and doing everything in the fucking house? the nerve of some people, the nerve of THESE people. i seriously don't know who i wanna kill more, them or me. SHYT i hate this fucking house! i wanna get out, i wanna get out, i wanna get out and i don't know how. somebody tell me how..

i'm freaky...

because i thought this picture was pretty, laura of mewing.net told me this: "it seems you enjoy dancing, drinking, eating, orgies, and expensive perfume. you're the type of person who buys brand-name socks--but you are also the type of person who has been electricuted by the toaster at least seven times. you were at the top of the class in elementary school, but faltered in junior high, because you didn't understand algebra. your favorite singer, suprisingly, is prince, and in your spare time you can be found tinkering with broken calculators and atari home videogame units."
whatever will laura tell you??

luck fesbians
today's been a good day. it didn't start off good, but by lunch it got GOOD. finally, the bulgarian communist and i fooled around, and it felt better than a smoke after quitting for a year. i forgot how much fun this can be. but wait! it gets better! apparently he told andy that i was the best he ever had, TWICE. never mind he's like a hundred times more experienced than i am, but like wow. then i did my math portfolio all by my lonesome and i figured it out and i feel so smart! and then, i kept remembering how it was in the moment, and i keep thinking of all that crazy/high talk we kept going on about. at one point, he even said "fuck lesbians". i don't get it... but yes, this was amazing! seriously, saturday's gonna be a good day. oh and then at ASK i went up to a random guy from the show and told him he was hot! andy dared me but it was funny because he was in shock! hahaha modest people make me laugh.

i deny it completely... hahaha i just said "come"

take the nerd test.


and go to mewing.net. a nerd utopia.

i wanna perfect body, i want a perfect soul
it's really hard to explain what goes on in my mind, especially when i'm "sick". but i want to try, because i don't want to feel like i'm being judged. i wouldn't blame anyone if they didjudge me, because it makes me look so superficial and ditzy, but i wouldn't like it either. it's more than just superficial. there are times when i just look in the mirror and i don't like what i see. everyone in my family is so beautiful, and i feel like i don't belong. i'm tired of it, and since i can't change my face yet, the only thing i can control is my body. it's the last grasp i have on my life, and i hate the fact that people are trying to take it away from me. i realize this, that every time it seems i lose control of my life, i have to go dieting and purging again. i don't know why everyone else looks so much better to my eyes, and i can't tell why i look so big to myself. the joke used to be "mass is constant, and if you don't have any, you can't be fat" and maybe i know it but it doesn't change how i see it at all. i still look horrible to myself and until i fix that i don't think i can make better any of my personality flaws. i'm not strong. i squander my life, wasting my health, i started smoking when i was 9, i did drugs for a while, i got drunk often enough, i spent 5 months of my life in a hospital bed, 2 weeks in a prison cell. so what if i'm clean now? doesn't change what i did, all the horrible htings i did. i'm not strong, i'm just another coward. it doesn't change a thing to know that either. i just wish i could be as beautiful as everyone else, not physically, inside.

destroy andy's sweater...
andy don't forget to make a sweater with the "destroy my sweater" thing. kaileen called. she met her stepmom number 6 (it was 6 afterall) and she says she's not so bad, although she can't be more than 20 years old. "blonde little thing, looks like she belongs in a magazine" she said. i laughed, it was funny. she said there wasn't much to hear about her dad. she was expecting he was looking for her, trying to get somewhere with her, clinging to her memory, but stepmom #6 was all like "i didn't even know he had a daughter until the will." so that kinda hurt. she's going back to cali. which i think is best for her. never mind she n b-ray broke up while she was away, which i think was totally gay of him. bitch, couldnt even do it face to face. apparently, he coudlnt hadnle her sad side, but her dad and her ex-girlfreind die within a week of one another, and he can't understand that? fucker... she doesn't need him, she can get any guy (or girl) she wants. ugh they made me take my weight in physics class for an experiment and i weighed friggin 48kg! shyt i put on so much weight! i feel so depressed now. i feel better though, i haven't eaten in a while and it's makin me feel kinda lighter, just not light enough. *feels icky* i wonder if i have any extra-strength alcaselsor (or however the fuck it's spelled) left? i know i saw some ex-lax in the fridge. but i really want the alcaselsor! i hate sticking m fingers down my throat.... (ech). but what can i do? can't go out and buy any, i'm too busy. and if i tell my family to buy some for me they'll FREAK. i'm not geting sick again, jsut being careful. i'll stop when i feel right again. about 40kg should be perfect. should be no problem skipping meals during exams, i never eat then, and with my mom away, it's been easier to get sick without having the vulture looking over my shoulder. damn, can't even get any privacy while throwing up anymore! what is up with the universe? ok i need to go do more homework now.

mechanical BITCH! booya!
i just got back form my dad's house and man oh man, i feel radiant. it was raining the hwole way home, my brother blasted muse and sang with them the whole way (he has such a beautiful voice i'm so jealous) and i did back-up chords. at dad's we watched phonebooth (collin farrel's HOT) and then we worked on my brother's car. since i had the smallest hands out of my brother and my dad, i ahd to do most of the work on the lights, changing the bulbs, tieing the wires, and even cleaning the filters and emptying the old oil. i felt so good in my overalls, white shirt and greasy arms and face. my hair, although i pathetically attempted to put it up, fall all in my eyes and when i tried to push it away i smeared the grease on ym forehead, it was so refreshing! ah i felt like such a hard-worker, i missed it. it was great, i ahven't done any work i na while, i needed it. then we sandblsted my dad's buggy and again, they needed me to pump the gas while they checked the heat of the engine on his jimmy. it was so powerful, the engine shook the ceiling. also, i was the only one small enough to fit UNDER the buggy, and so they had me down there with my flashlight in my mouth handing me socket wrenches and all that, i felt like a pro! by the end of the day, we had cleaned the GMC jimmy's engine, changed my brother's foglights, cleaned the cage of the buggy, fixed teh leakage on the Trans Am, and welded (temporarily) the buggy's broken axel. actually, i did all that under direction and supervision, the men did something girlier (washed the cars hahahaha). today was good, really good. almsot perfect in fact. i havn't had so much fun at my dad's place since ninth grade when we built that miniature car out of pipes and an old garden hose.

i'm... A GENIUUUUUS
i just took an IQ test and i scored a 161, meaning i'm A GENIUS! thank you *curtsies*. i got back from my dad's a while ago, and although it wasn't INCREDIBLE FUN i wan'ts miserable either. i halped my dad make his projector's cradle so that he could hang it from the ceiling, and what he swore wouldn't work i MADE work cuz i'm a GENIUS. i seirously feel smart today! maybe i should do my physics homework? nah not yet... well this genius' strongest point is "calculation" cuz i got all the math questions right on this test thing. math geeks, what can we say? anyhow, i'm running out of things to say. i wanna go listen to more MSI (i balme you andy for hooking me on it)

buch moredness
100 Things About Me!

01. Time you started: 7:41pm
02. Full Name: Fayyer Khalid Ahmad Abdul-Wahab Ahmad Boriki
03. Nicknames: ToTo! concubine, bitch, fawjer, fudge (yes some people actually call me that), timbaland, timmie, "her", cow, and much much more (dammit you can't spoonerize that!)
04. Height :short
05. Weight : yeah, right
06. Thongs or Panties: boxers! thongs?
08. Gender: femme
09. Birthday: 1/15/88
10. Zodiac sign: capricorn (i am NOT organised)
11. Location: stalkers....
12. Birth Place: Lord knows, you think i was carrying a digicam?
13. Hair Color: brown with a red tint
14. Eye Color: Really, really REALLY dark brown
15. Siblings: ahmad (20), then there's the half siblings, al-ghalia (4) and muhammed (3)
16. Are you in love?: you wish
17. Are you more interested in guys or girls be honest: contrary to popular beliefs, guys
18. What's your biggest turn on (body wise)about the opposite sex?: i'm an ass girl (tush)
19. Crush: excuse you! you think i cna't get a guy to like me? pshhhhh
20. Girlfriend/Boyfriend?: right, as if i'd go down THAT road again

**The PAST Side**
21. What age would you go back to?: none, i like me now
22. Memory you miss most: i don't wanna talk about it
23. Memory you would like to forget: ages 8 to 13
24. What'd you do yesterday: same hting i do everyday, but i'll tell you what i didn't do and that's SLEEP
25. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone: kaileen
26. Last thing you said: be good
27. Last song you listened to: simple plan - perfect
28. Food: la7ma ib 3ajeen. yum.
29. Drink: water
30. CD: MSI (andy's)
31. Emotion: depression, nostalgia, remorse...
32. Colors: say who?
33. Fav day of the week: monday
34. Month: july, beach time
35. Favorite #: 15
36. Holiday: 3eed. MONEY!
37. Cookie:tim tam
39. Ice Cream: chocolatier is better
40. Candy bar: airheads
41. Favorite Channel: paramount
42. Shampoo/Conditioner: subject to constant change
43. Song: millencolin - no cigar

**PEOPLE YOU KNOW SIDE**
44. Friends: they know who they are, so why do you wanna know?
47. Silliest: fredubine
49. Best at keeping secrets: scottie was good... but we don't speak anymore so... fredubine again i guess
50. Smartest: dude, IB DIPLOMAS
51. Most likely to be a stripper: yeah it's you andy
52. Sweetest: i don't know, we're all nice people
53. Weirdest: kaileen
54. Most hyper: me most of the time
55. Most annoying: no one is eepmt from this category :P

**The BELIEVE OR NOT Side**
57. Aliens: maybe maybe not. i don't NOT believe in them. just who knows? why would there be other plnets if nothing inhabits them?
56. Do you believe in Angels: definitely
58. Heaven & Hell: definitely
59. God: if there's anything i believe in it's God, without God in my life i don't know where i'd be
60. Yourself: nope

**The HAVE YOU EVER Side**
61. Been on a plane: i'm kuwaiti, OFCOURSE i've been on a plane
62. Cried in public: yeah, but i don't make it a point to repeat that ugly scene
63. Climbed a tree: plenty times
64. Ate A Worm: oh yeah, on a dare once
66. Met a celebrity: that guy that sings, m7amad il-misba7. he's old friend of the family, he gave me 3eediya (cheap one for a celeberty)
67. Met the president: as if i'd meet the US president and he'd still be alive. pssshhh, capitalists....
68. Been scared to get shot: not really
69. Watched New Years Eve celebration in every time zone: nah, new year's is just another night of the year
70. Shopped at Ambercrombie and Fitch?: you couldn't pay me to
71. Gone skinny dipping: oh yeah.... *memories*
72. Skipped school: sure

**WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU HEAR**
73. Bill Clinton: capitalist bitch
74. Lollipops: mary (mmmhhmm goooood night)
75. Dreams: sex
76. Love: sex
77. Whipped Cream: sex again... i think i'm sufering withdrawal...
78. South Park: kitty
79. Christina Aguilera: blonde
80. Guys: sex
81. Girls: teeny poppers?
82. Death: inevitable, part of living

**The WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER Side**
83. Dog/Cat: if all dogs and french people died the world would be a better place. that's cats incase you're slow...
84. Blue/Purple: bruise colours... blue?
85. Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate DUH
86. Pen/Pencil: pen, pencils smudge and icky and you can't write on yourself with them

**The QUESTIONS THAT DON'T MATTER, BUT I'M STILL ASKING SIDE**
87. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: i have a family of em on my bed
89. If you were a crayon, what color would you be: oh dear God, it's things like this that make us look so ditzy...
90. How many buddies do you have on your list? 80-something or other
91. Do you like this survey: i'm bored, i'd like anything right about now (sex) it's a sickness i swear...


**QUESTIONS that i dont know what they fall under QUESTIONS!**
92. One pillow or two, cotton or feather??: none, flat surfaces thank you (or osmeone's body, arm, stomach, ass, you know)
94. How long are you in the shower: 15 minutes
95. How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup: you trying to kill me?! i'm allergic to nuts!
96.What does your name mean: it's a firggin time of day, i'm named after "dawn/sunrise" *mumbles curse words in five different languages*
98. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?: this quesiton sounds so wrong in my head...
99. What occurs once in a second, twice in one hour, and never in
three hundred years?: your mamma
10. Finished: 8:15 you're lucky i was this bored