the woman moaning sounds lik a toto!
i dont know why i'm so cheery. i have plenty to be "upset" about. but "just cuz you feel it doesn't mean it's there." i dont wanna be upset anymore, it's a drag. i have a good time, and thats worth just about anything. so what i'm fuckin up school? at least i try at what matters to me. so what if i'm losing weight? at least i'm looking better. so what if i've been sex-deprived for ages? it's given me time to appreciate the finer things in life. life's good to all of us, and we just need to realize it. it took me long enough, but better late than never. i'm glad i realized it before i died. i jsut drew a picture of a muse, wings, sash, naked, hair, the works. but she looked sad so i threw it away. i dont want this sad shyt anymore. time for a change. i was reading my narrative and God i'm leading one depressed, fucked up life. no more. i want to be happy and that's all i need to BE happy. i have a family (sort of), some level or other of intelligence, creativity, artistry, certain talents and attributes, i have a home, a closet stuffed with all i need (and lots i dont), a hot cat, i got good cash, privacy, respect, i have friends who, even if they don't care for me, i care a great deal about. i'm so sick of people dying. suicide, OD, heart attacks, whatever... i'm just so sick of it all and i don't want it anymore. i won't try to commit suicide, never again. i know for a fact i won't OD, not unless someone stuffs the crap into me by force, and well, let's hope i don't have a heartattack. staying alive is the hardest thing to do. it takes a lot out of ya and you always end up making other people happier than you make yourself. go figure.

merry-go-round
i wait
night and day
watch the horses
run around
i wait
night and day
watching the
merry-go-round~
those horses
they can't speak
they can't see
they can't hear
so sad, they're stuck
running in circles~
i wait
night and day
maybe they'll move
maybe they'll crash course
i'll wait
night and day
hoping they'll breathe
maybe they'll stop
runing in circles~
it's sad
night and day
i watch them
praying they'd live
praying they'd die
what's a life
so sad, they're stuck
running in circles~~
don't listen to what they say
even circles have starts and ends

daddy
one topic i have continually and repeatedly maneuvered out of talking about is one that i have succeeded in avoiding mention to, but that i now take bluntly upon myself to speak of, openly and freely, so that i may organise my thoughts on this one important part of my life that i cannot deny any longer: i speak of my father. i have lost contact with the man so long ago. at the beginning of time, it was decided that, my brother would become mommy's boy and i would be forever daddy's girl. after the divorce (i still choke on the word, five years later) i lost that, for a while we clung on, still acting like we did years ago. then it just snapped, that thin thread that seems strong enough when you're a kid, but that just won't hold your weight when you grow up. i miss my daddy. for a long time i hated him, despised everything he stood for, everything he had become after we lost what glorious relation we had. but i miss him so much. my mother tries, she really does, but she can't change how much more my brother means to her. i needed my father to balance out my world. i still need him. he tries, i see that now. he doesn't hit anymore, or yell anymore, and when we joke and when we laugh, it's easier and i'm not afriad. i'm jsut so tired, because i don't want to be rejected again. losing my father was one of hte hardest things i ever had to do, and to ahve to lose him over and over and over agian is just agony and beyond. i need to give him another chance, ecause i need to believe that it will work one day, i'll hit the mark, and things will be the way they used to be. i want to go back to that time when it was ok for us to love one another. i'm moving back for the weekend, to try again, hope again. maybe this time, it'll work, and i won't go home dejected, feeling as though it were a wasted attempt, and relive the hurt of losing my father one more time.

home
i wonder often about solitude. i find it reviving, alarming, addictive. i like walking aorund the empty home, measuring the halls in steps and paces, pressing my ears against the cold walls and marble floors. there's a whisper there, a sad whisper that i can't hear unless i am alone. the walls tell me about dreams, happy dreams that, when the sleeper awakens from, leave behind nothing but traces of the joy that once accompanied them. the memory becomes faint, then slowly blows away in the breeze that rustles our minds. i'm going to enjoy being alone this next week.

death
death... comes on swift and hard and takes the best away from us, like someone picking fruit from an orchard, taking the youngest ripest fruits, still in their prime, not yet ready to rot, drop and die. hearing about boozie's passing, all i could think about was that as she died alone in her room, likely unaware of her surroundings, playing that sad song i listen to now, i was silently angry at her, dwelling on how she did me wrong. it drove me insane to think that i gave so much to her, and she couldn't even remember it. i often wonder if she remembered more than she let others know. maybe she thought if she pretended to forget long enough, she would forget. i can't forget. the last thing i ever said to her was "forget it" and all she said in return was "i'm sorry". almost as if she were apologizing for being unable to tell me how much she knew instead of apologizing for forgetting. i was mad at her, so mad... nights in prison are not easily forgotten, or so i thought. and now she's just gone and i never got a chance to say goo-bye or to tell her i was sorry, and that i didn't care if she remembered anything or not, i honestly truly loved her. kaileen took it pretty well. she cried ofcourse, i mean they dated for like five months, but she's ok now. she's on a mission. trying to find her father after it's become too late. i admire her strength, her courage, her ability to go after that which is not there. i miss her so much, it makes me cry sometimes. i don't let her know, she doesn't need me breaking down on her: not now at least. life is tough, but death is really hard too.

ToTo is a toilet seat
ToTo is a toilet seat! ok, now that that's over, yippeeee! last day of ramadan! eeid tomorrow, money's gonna roll into my hands much welcome. *3200, here i come to buy you!* for once, my life is going right, everything's in control, and i feel blessed. i spent all morning listening to the band play, and i have computers first period where i managed to get right back on schedule! woot woot! i rock! yes i get excited over the stupidest littlest things. matters not. so long as i feel THIS happy, who cares? i htink i'm hopped on sugar... tomorrow i'm going to get a blood test and check my weight again. if i'm 50, i'll be proclaimed CURED which would just make my week, my day, my month, my whole life!

prom dress for too much money
i will buy a dress
it's too much money but i will buy the dress
for prom or other special events
i'll wear it to impress
and when the honey moon
is over i'll put it away
hide the prom dress far far back
deep in the closet of yesterday
i made an investment, i made a commitment
to a dress i bought, so beautiful
i fell in love with its style
it's hushed rustle so musical
i bought a prom dress for too much money
only wore it once or twice
for prom, and other special occasions, it was once beautiful now it's just
nice
like a marriage, it falls apart
and looses all its glamour
i can't remember the fuss
i can't remember the fuss
what was it all about?
it's just a prom dress for too much money

bliss
bliss... everthing about you is how i want to be. your freedom comes naturally. everything about you is innate happiness... give me all the peace.... it's a beautiful thing, bliss, and i'm not talking about ignorance either. i'm talking real, genuine, joyous bliss. it's been raining all day. kaileen called me earlier on, her father passed away. everything is so.... silent. it's like the calm after a storm, where nature's blown herself out, and she jsut cna't give any more. it's a time of rest, peace, calm, bliss... today, one person dies. tomorrow another, and the next day another. hundreds upon hundreds of people die every day, and we don't even know about them, we don't even blink. it's scary. when i die, is anyone gonna blink? will people evenk now who it was? are they gonna go "who?" or are they gonna go "no way!" or what? how is this world going to be when i'm gone? i can't, i won't beleive death is the end of it. i refuse to believe that once i'm gone, i'll be gone for good, there will be no reason to ever again speak of me. i won't allow it, i won't let it happen.

it's over...
it's over... i can't believe MUN is over! bah i feel so sad it's over, but so happy i was all smart, then so sad they didn't debate my resolution and then happy again because the canadian ambassador (the real one, was aguest speaker at the closing ceremony) said i was talented and brilliant, but sad again cuz i miss the hot guy (*sigh* my beloved hot chair) yet happy again because i'm just all that. that was a long sentence. meh, ah well. and YAAAY! woohu works at home now! *half-ass happy dance* i saw nasser (yes your nasser andy) and blag (kramer) setting up in the auditorium today when we were leaving. it was wierd, they were so dedicated to their works they came to school on a friggin thursday morning, to practice. dan wasn't even there, so i thought it kind of strange to practice without a whole instrument, but still, i was impressed. and what is wrong with roxanne? damn capitalist... wouldn't know humanity if it hit her on the head. COMMUNISM WILL RISE AGAIN! GOD BLESS FIDEL CASTRO! LONG LIVE THE LEGEND OF CHE GUEVARA! ALL HAIL MAO DSE DUNG! ok i'm done.

dreams
dreams... i never could figure em. ever have that dream where everyone you knew was doing stuff that didnt make sense? ever have that dream where everyone straight was gay and everyone gay was straight except you? funny dream. dan from florida was in it. so was kaileen and someone called sara and my brother and mother. i think there was fighitng. i KNOW there was sex. hmmm. i like andy's drea mbetter. deftones concert, whie pony tattooed on the breast, getting the bst view in the house of the gods of music... should have been my dream but alas, instead of dreaming of the deftones, i dreamt of deftones fans. meh! i hate my internet at home! no woohu! i have to wait til computer class at school. bah!

kaileen
kaileen... what was i thinking? that girl knows me like she knows her own panties. what was i thinking letting her meet my friends? especially dan, because dude, she told all those stories! the tango story and the thong story, and the bahrain story and oh God. hehe, makes me think twice about letting my new friends know my real old friends.

knowledge
knowledge... such a tricky lil bitch. do you really know the people you think you know? i like to think i do. but can't always get what you like, right? so it freaks me out just a bit when i discover that whole other side to someone i thought i knew so well. come on, who gets shot for a complete stranger? my best friend did. i asked her why she did it. she said "don't know. just felt like it was the right thing to do." this is the same girl who screwed so many people over, who never said anything deeper than "i'm hungry" before. i claim she's a sister to me. but now i don't know her anymore, and it scares me fuckless. how many people do i know? i mean really know? not many. and that means, not many people know me. how can i blame them? i just found out who "me" really was. it's ME i blame. i never dug deeper than skin. i took what was given for granted. am i so superficial that i take all people to be jsut as superficial as i? that's twisted... but then again, little is not in this world today. so so precious little.

Freedom
freedom... that's how it feels to recover from an illness. and it's true what they say, the first step towards fixing a problem is admitting what's wrong. what's wrong is i have anorexia and beginnings of bullemia. and now i'm fixing the problem. this is how it goes: i stop counting calories. i eat at least one meal a day as opposed to one every two or three days. when i do eat, i don't purge. cookies good. veggies good. laxatives bad. babysteps. it has to go so simply to make things work. if it gets any more complex than this, i'll stumble. but for now at least, it's working; i'm getting better.

perfection
perfection... when one is so complete, there is nothing lacking, nothing missing. there is nothing left that we can offer to improve, because this is it. the human mind cannot have the capacity for such perfection. and then oyu hear something.... it's a beautiful song. it's a perfect song. that perfection, it wells, you feel it, rising up your chest, making your heart pound, loudly so that your ears threaten to bleed, it's in your head, it fills your heart, overflows your soul, makes you cry and laugh at the same time. that's the one, that's the perfetion, that's the feeling. many of us do not, will not know this feeling. i do. to have known it, and remember it, and experience it again and again, is a perfect gift, and as all perfect things, can never be improved by anything we have to offer.