My heart in a headlock.

:: 2008 12 March :: 9.20pm
:: Music: Incubus - Southern Girl

Could you want me..?

It's time for another list of things I've realized about myself...

1- I am not nearly as strong as I thought I was. I am weak and full of insecurity. I fail almost everyone I care for and constantly pass around advice and trash talk which makes me a hypocrite.

2- I am so over everyone who wants to make my life harder than it needs to be. I know who I love and what I want out of that love, and everyone else, anyone holding their breath for an apology or some kind of reward for accepting me after I've run away, is very welcome to go to hell.

3- I can accept the bullshit situation I've put myself in, and I can even be happy in it, but I'm lonely and I need my friends, my real friends, to support me. Like I said, I'm weak.

4- I miss the closeness I used to have with people so I spend a lot of time reading through old emails from '04 and remembering what it was like to come home everyday from school to an email waiting to be read, full of love and support, sometimes pain and the need for comfort, and I miss it so much I try to grasp at it like some kind of faded washed out dream that wouldn't survive a serious breath. I am filled with dread that I might never have that closeness again with those people I love.

bang bang

:: 2008 27 February :: 9.45pm

god, i want to go out west again soon. a road trip. mmm.

:: 2008 11 February :: 11.57pm

i hope everyone is doing well, feeling alive, and can enjoy something worthwhile today.

:: 2008 6 February :: 11.16am

tax tip
this may be more news to me than anyone else, but you can claim money paid to the sec. of state for license plates, registration, etc. as deductions.

bang bang

:: 2008 3 February :: 2.45pm

music is such a huge force in my life. it brings comfort. i feel like my favorite artists and musicians are my friends, in a way. they open themselves up to such an intense degree, it certainly does provide the kind of intimacy that deep friendships attain through reciprocal disclosure. they know nothing of me, but i definitely feel close to these people. i dream about billy corgan, tori amos, and kurt cobain a lot. these are people i relate to and respect, and feel an ethereal connection to that is unexplainable in terms of time and space.

songs maintain familiarity, like the smell of a family cottage or the no-longer annoying creak of an old door hinge. a recording of a song is always going to sound the same (in the most general sense) and the lyrics will always be the same. the vocals will sound the same, too -- even the little mistakes or off-key parts or whispers. it's so nice to listen to something that brought pleasure or kept you sane years earlier and realize that it is still effective today.

i am very sensitive to my surroundings, particularly anything musical. it's like i become part of songs when i listen to them, and i feel everything the singer and instruments are expressing, even if i have never actually experienced those things myself. it's slightly dangerous because i absorb others' emotions quite readily. it's also very beautiful. i'm glad i have this kind of sensory/perceptual experience with music.

:: 2008 30 January :: 4.22pm

tax tip for the day
you can e-file your taxes AND have your money wired direct deposit to a variety of accounts (checking, savings, other financial institutions) instead of waiting for a check to come in the mail.

:: 2008 29 January :: 6.06pm

lorenzo's tax tip of the day
technically, you are supposed to claim internet purchases made from other states on your MI state tax returns.

:: 2008 24 January :: 12.22pm

Identity
Because Dani asked so nicely, it's my published work. If you can call it that. It's all of 150 words, and it's called Identity.

Read more..

This is copyrighted, all rights reserved, courtesy of Guildhall Press, etc etc, do not reuse without permission or you will be sued. ^-^

:: 2008 22 January :: 11.36am
:: Music: Interpol - Mammoth

I find that I have become accustomed lately to long games of "Being Paul Banks" in front of the mirror.

Since AUD does not in fact accept AUK credits, I'm going to be spending a lot of time at home by myself, especially since the mornings leave me home alone. These mornings are dedicated to reading, writing and listening to the few CDs in my posession. After I shower, do my hair and spen agonizing ages in front of the mirror wondering if those really ARE wrinkles, I play Interpol and sing and dance in what I feel is a rather impressive imitation of Monsieur Banks.

All in all, I suppose there are worse ways to spend one's mornings.

:: 2008 14 January :: 4.28pm
:: Music: Mongolian Chop Squad - Hit in America

I had a dream last night where I was leading a lot of scared people through something big and dangerous. I was younger than I am now, about 16 or 17 at most, and I was very skinny and scrawny. But people depended on me to get them through this thing.

Maybe it's supposed to prepare me for something great.

Maybe I've justb een playing too much Heavenly Sword.

bang bang

:: 2008 10 January :: 9.31am

I feel better now. I've been discussing options with my Mom about what to do next, and it makes me feel better to have a plan. I'm going to be looking for a job as a priority if I find out that I can't transfer credits from AUK to AUD. Part of me dreads AUK because of who I know might be there. I can't help but feel like it would be just like high school. If anything, I just wanna put all that behind me.

Jay says he'll wait as long as he has to, just as long as we can stay in touch during the time we're apart. He's braver than I am, because having to be apart from him for that long is just way too hard on me.

But it makes me feel better. My brother got me a new phone, and it's awesome. I just love it. Also, I showed them the story I got published. My mum says it's worth something to keep writing and try to get published again. I think it's worth something too. It's nice to have my mum acknowledge that I have the ability to do something that well. Very very nice.

Smile now!

:: 2008 7 January :: 10.56pm

I feel depressed, and kinda miserable. I really thought going back home would be a good thing, and that it would help me get past the issues with my family, but I feel like I just fight everyone around me while I'm here, because they project this picture on me, and if I don't fit it then I must be a bad person.

It's also kind of depressing when your own mother thinks you've been subject to some witchcraft or something and is trying to break the curse through holy water and readings from the Quraan. I'm not a bad person just because I don't believe in the same things she does. I feel disappointed and tricked, because all they've been trying to do it seems is talk me out of being with Jay.

And I feel depressed be cause I can't talk to him, I can't call him or go see him and just tell him everything until he makes me feel better.

I also feel depressed because my brother thinks I came back for some personal gain instead of to have my mother back in my life again. I feel tricked because they're telling me all these scenarios about "what if your father does this and that and this and you never get to leave the country or see him again?"

And I feel depressed because I wasn't told about any of this before I came, and I was tricked instead, and now that I'm here, there's nothing I can really do to get out, because I've put all my trust and faith in my mother to help me. And she doesn't want to. I see her reluctance. I know why she's trying to convert me back, because she's HOPING this is the work of the devil, and once it's gone I'll be her daughter again.

But this being who I am, why am I made to feel like a bad person? I know I hurt them by running away, but I wish they saw that hurting them was not the REASON for my running away, nor was it an indication that I no longer loved them.

And I still think I'm a good person.

I'm just so so depressed.

:: 2007 27 December :: 2.27pm

i'm in love with your pills
now i can get rid of myself
if all of this kills
why am i so hard on myself?

:: 2007 18 November :: 1.09pm

gah gah gah gah gah i feel like i never have time for thinking! i want to think and write!