FUCK IT ALL. seriously wtf
You know what hurts me so bad; i mean seriously something that just breaks me down and rip my insides out. Loseing someone that means the world to you, someone who has been there for you through thick and thin, someone who cared about you did everything with you, always was with you, Someone who you took in from being on thr street when they were kicked out and nowhere to go. Someone who you did everything for and was always there, Someone who took your virginity, Someone eho you loved like part of the family; my bestfriend. Yes; i was stupid 2 years ago when i dated Smokey aka (Danny) and i left everything behind and gave up on people and myself. i was down always and i never wanted to be without dan i was always around him and he "owned me" as he said. So i never went ANYWHERE. i accepted it cause i was in "love" (which was all bullshit). He cheated on me and did not treat me right at all and everyday my friend would call me and we would talk like old times and be goofy; and he would lecture me saying i need to leave his ass and what not because he's a loser. But when he called usually danny was around so i couldn't talk to him til i went home.. and all hell broke lose; always. Yeah i was dumb, and in love. But everyone has someone I mean Asshole or no asshole; they fall for them. I should have listened... I mean mabey things would be different mabey i wouldn't be so much more fucked up in the head from all the Bullshit & drama. And now its taking a turn on me.. for hurting Jordan (bestfriend) for those 2 years it's now coming back on me. Him and I stopped talking for a good 7 months; he just moved and i didn't have a number or anyway to get into contact with him.. then i seen him at my other good friends house (Ben) and we started talking saying how we missed talking and what not.. so i gave him my cell number.. but of course he wasn't allowed to talk to me because 1. i'm a girl 2. we fucked A LONG TIME AGO 3. we dated LONG TIME AGO 4. I used to be his bestfriend. and he chose her over me and all his other friends, even his best guy friend Ben whom is my other bestfriend. its just so fucked! i mean i cry always.. i was dumb and now hes being stupid. SHE DOESN'T LET HIM DO ANYTHING! i'm dead serious, shes a bitch who killed her own baby. fuck that. stupid whore. SHE TREATS JORDAN SO BAD it makes me sick and i want to hurt her severly but i can't cause i want him to be happy; even though he really isn't he just doesn't want to be alone BUT WHO DOES!? forreal.. theirs other fish in the sea, you may not think so but there is.. you just have to let love come to you, not you go out on a bounty hunt.. i learned from the hard way. i don't mean to blubber on and cry but this is what a journal is for BITCHING! haha. I'm just so hurt anymore.. and it isn't just that, that is getting to me.. Today is 1 year for my friend Cyrus's death; i miss him lots. (R.I.P)<3. and lastnite i was at my friend Gered's and all i could do was cry and fall down.. there was times where i was goofy as fuck... but shit just shit just hit me..UGH! and then i started thinking about my ex danny and it's like what the fuck, i wonder if i would be a better person today if i was never with him; honestly.. he ruined me. fuck him, fuck it! and now i'm thinking about dropping out of school or atleast signing myself out and going to a different school like alternative RINGGOLD IS JUST DRAMA and i can't take all the stress.. i've gotten into so many rediculous fights; over nothing.. just bitches who want to talk smack and not back it up.. but now i have a black girl and her 'crew' wanting to kick my ass. uhh bring it. honestly i don't care, either you win or lose all that matters is that you try your damnest! forreal. I never did anything to them or to anyone really and if i have i'm sorry i'm sorry for what i have done to everyone in the past and i'm sorry for what i may do in the future. <3. Noones perfect. "true dat" haha. and now since school and loseing friends, no job, no money, no love, no life... hah!, no nothing.. i'm lost. i began doing things like i used to which isn't smart.. ugh i hate this i hate myself i just wish everything wouldn't fucking get to me like it does. And not only is thats whats wrong with me, but also my uncle had a massive heart attack the other day, SORRY JENA. so i wasn't able to go anywhere. and the one i love most doesn't feel the same. =( isn't life grand. i mean fucking stupid shit, i would do anything to have things the way i wish they could be or atleast be similar. bah fuck it.


WOW i typed alot.. more than i think i have ever typed and i betcha noone will read what i wrote. hah oh well. i needed to vent. sorry people! =P just all this shit has been bothering me. and its dumb!

you are blind