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2007 9 September :: 6.43pm
this weekend was amazing.
i am looking forward to orlando with everyone.
my third period class may just make school worth going to.
but only maybe.
zack is in my first period class.
i. have. to. see. him. every. day.
it really is killing me.
i hate crying myself to sleep over this shit every night,
knowing that he hasn't even thought twice about it.
he's moved on. to an older, easier girl.
she isn't even good looking.
every time i lay down to fall asleep,
this shit is all i can think about.
it's burned into my fucking mind.
even when i have a great time like this weekend,
i still end up feeling so horrible and sad.
i never did anything to deserve this.
what a jackass.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 2 September :: 9.46pm
i have a freckle on my lip.
Read more..
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2007 31 August :: 8.27pm
i broke up with zack.
i'm really glad i did it.
it still feels like shit.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2007 14 August :: 11.27pm
i've got too much on my mind.
in time you'll find i'm worth figuring out.
this is why i drink, baby.
and i give myself away.
yeah, i give me all away.
it is what it is.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 13 August :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: worried
I'm fucking depressed.
i just don't know what to do.
better yet i don't how to feel.
i just don't want to feel this, of what i'm feeling.
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2007 10 August :: 9.55pm
:: Mood: okie
:: Music: 'through glass' is on right now lol
went to the doctors for my sonogram, we couldn't see between the legs. but i got to see my baby move about. and gave me a wave lol! :)
everythings going okay, i'm going fishing tomorrow, hopefully i catch something HUGEE hah. i want to win some money, :p
cleaned the other day, and had to do it again today, gheesh and we don't do nothing! haha, i've had energy.. so i guess that's good cause shit gets done.
eee i'm blabbing..
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2007 25 July :: 11.43am
i saw him. even if it was only for a little while. he hasn't changed a bit, except for he lifts weights now and doesn't look so boney. he's still really skinny, though. i love ryan. he's such a good friend. we've been through a lot. he's doing really well there, he gets to come home early, too! september or october and he should be back for good.
and i'm almost happy again.
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2007 23 July :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: hmm.
life is changing.
sometimes i don't know if it's for the worst or the best.
everyday life is a struggle; everythings a struggle anymore.
i remember back when nothing mattered and i didn't have a care in the world except for me playing by myself or sitting with my mom. to hanging out with friends; home every night. to being 18 and pregnant and living on my own. Now don't get me wrong it's a good change but scary. I still have some mending to do and some patching up on my life. I'm trying my damnest here.
I don't have many friends just a short few and it's like i'm not close to any of them, and i understand everyone got there own thing going on and what not and i'm happy for them all. I Just miss back when, ya know?
from late night eating to driving around or walking around, drinking and just having fun to making sure my electric doesn't get shut off and having to pay a phone bill & what not. I sure do miss them days, but without them days i wouldn't of met the greatest people i know. and ONCE AGAIN that's a select few. and i wouldn't of met the man of my life. i'm happy now.. sometimes i think i made out okay so far. and if not everyone falls but gets back up, right? lol
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2007 12 July :: 10.07pm
i feel bloated today, just like lastnight.
and the feeling has yet to go away,.
i've been pretty emotional.
and all i did today was sit around and earlier i watched Gab for alittle bit. (my friend Jena's daughter) shes precious.
other than that giant eagle and i just drank koolaide and watched re-runs of greys anatomy. i just don't feel well today. i feel like complete shit.
=(
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2007 7 July :: 8.28am
:: Mood: sad&pissed
i'm honestly hurting inside.
lastnight was awful. its just ripping me apart.
i never do anything wrong.
and then this morning. it just doesn't get better.
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2007 1 July :: 8.02pm
i'm leaving the country tomorrow!
i'll be in germany for a while.
see you soon, woohu.
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2007 30 June :: 10.09am
lastnight was cool i guess.
we finally got alittle bit of money so that took tension off the bills being payed and what not. and a little extra for whatever. its nice. i hate being so poor :(
he bought himself a case of beer (my boyfriend) and basically got drunk and smoked. we had some company, doug and hoagie came twice. then ben and some crackwhore came to buy some green off Lance. ben smoked alittle with me.
i know i should stop but i smoked all day yesterday; i kinda needed it i've just been so down and stressed and everything, just needed something for my nerves. cause trust me if i could drink i would LoL.
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2007 27 June :: 10.00pm
stale doritos
have never tasted so good.
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2007 27 June :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: i don't know how i feel.
it's never ending..
its a never ending cycle.
i just want one day where nothing goes wrong.
i spill my heart of for this man. and it hurts so much when he talks down to me, i never ask for anything but him to chill out or just love me. and sometimes i don't think he loves me by the way he acts, he'll respond to me all meanly even if i was being a sweetheart to him. and then if we argue i feel so small and i'm always fit out to be wrong. why can't we be fine? he says from day one i supposively fucked shit up. like for him and his friends, girls and whatever else. well you did this to me, i'm pregnant with your kid, and all i want is for you to be considerate for my feelings and be there for the new life form.
i love lance with all my heart, i just wish everything would be okay and i'm so emotional anymore it just makes it worse and i sicken myself so bad, i'm gettin fat i'm getting insecure i'm getting sick of myself. all i want to do is massive amount of drugs, i wish i could have my medicines because it seems like this shit is taking over; and i can't take any of them i just want to feel okay and be happy. and if thats impossible i atleast don't wanna feel anything... no pain... i mean is it so wrong to ask of favors from the one you love? and they aren't really favors just things to make our family go well and be happy. my dad was never there and i don't want my child to have to go through all the bullshit and despair that i had to endure, its the worst thing in the world and i always felt bad for my mother who was a great mom and had to do everything on her own just to make sure i had food, clothes and a roof over my head. it hurts to just think about it.. i just hate all this fighting its starting to go down and i don't want that to happen, i love Lance more than anything and everything and i would do fucking absolutley EVERYTHING/ANYTHING for him. he's my world. i'd seriously be lost without him. i'm just scared sometimes that when the baby comes i'll be all alone, cause thats what it feels like now.. i don't have friends, i dont have anybody to talk to really and i'm just so depressed and i'm breaking down so badly. i have nowhere to turn besides my mom, and i already know shes there for me but not always when i need her, she has her own life too now, i was the one who moved out and got my life situated and i understand;; i just want a friend. a good friend i can trust, sure i can talk to lance but i just feel so small sometimes because you can tell he gets mad or i make him mad.. and i never mean to do that,.. i'm so fucking upset right now.. i honestly don't know how to put anything.. i feel so wrong. am in the wrong? for wanting everything to be peachy and have a great family? a loving one? IS IT SO FUCKING WRONG? i have a doctors apt tomorrow to hear the babys heartbeat.. and i don't have anyone to go, i'm just about to cancel it because this whole thing is scary but exciting at the same time.
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2007 25 June :: 9.34am
sorry everyone who reads what i post
i haven't really been able to type on here.
but now i can! =)
nothing really has been going on besides cleaning and what not for inspection the other day, and they didn't even come back to fix anything.. and i want my cat back! i'm just scared they'll come when it comes home and i'll be like wtf..
been like 4 days geez.
i've been emotional lately. like very emotional. sometimes i can't STAND myself. i let everything get to me, even if it's stupid.. and i just think everyones inconsiderate of my feelings.
like i always think Lance is yelling at me, when really he's just talking or sometimes he does come off mean, and i don't know why, i'm nothing but nice to him. but then he gets all cute again and everythings okay.. i don't understand i just think it's alllll meeeeeeeee.
i'm trying to come around with all the family, like his mom and brother n them, but theres so much family on his dads side i have yet to met ya know? and he still has to meet some of mine, even though i don't really want him to meet my dad's side or him.. LoL .
anyways i've been bumming it lately, my pants are gettin tighter.
im broke.
and im lonely sometimes cuz lance goes to work.
i would work but i plan on doin it after the baby, so hopefully i can get like unemployement or something? gaahhhh
but like i said, nothing new, no not now not ever! LoL.
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