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2004 22 April :: 12.42 pm
today a little more prophesitic
Sadly I feel quite cofortable today with everything, I feel like I have acomplished something that I don't really know what it is. Thats seems to be the sad part I guess..
My T.A. teacher asked me why I am starting fights in his class because "Your supposed to be setting examples for our future youth," ...I didn't say anything to anybody...just to my friends who wouldn't say anything I know better than that. Sometimes Narks make me get really angry and hostile and then I want to yell at them to go run home to thier mommy thats what thier good at anyways. ~sigh~
Today is another work day...go figure...it seems almost pointless to go through with it at the rate of money I am getting paid lately....I have worked the most amount of hours ever there in past two weeks and I was only paid 115.00 seems like it just stays the same no matter how much hours I work....just doesn't seem worth it....not worth it at all. At least the big man is being a little nicer lately...and hopefully that raise will be coming soon.
well if you insist |
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2004 21 April :: 12.49 pm
today I am finally going to be happy and ill free
lets just say that sometimes an hour of praying really does pay off. I was lieing in bed last night just begging to God to let me wake up tommorow and not feel as sick as I have been in the past three weeks and let me just have a normal day. And when I woke up I didn't have a stomache ache or the other very unnatural part of this flu....THANK GOD... now maybe I can finally go back to work and be able to stay the whole four or five hours....Don't worry jessa I did work on Mon. he just sent me home a half an hour early....but it was really all for the best.
Well other than the flu nothing really has been happining to me lately unless bed head counts!!
See you all at work.
1 you must really like me |
well if you insist |
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2004 21 April :: 12.47 pm
here jessa!!!
The teeth caught on the jacket for a moment, long enough for his father to fling the animal away, changing it's course for an instant.
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 36.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions
well if you insist |
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2004 2 April :: 11.54 am
i finally wrote to an old friend today for the first time since the big fight...
maybe for once something will go my way.
1 you must really like me |
well if you insist |
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2004 1 April :: 11.36 am
sometimes I hear that my friends are hurting and it brings my whole day down a notch...
a certain one of my friends seems to be at a crossroads in her life and it's killing me to see that she is hurting so much in trying to find whats right for her and the rest of her life. So this is what I have to say...listen if you will ignore if you want.....
there is no use trying to always plan things out...life doesn't like to be planned that's just the way it is, as soon as things get settled down and you think for once in this god forsaken world you finally feel like things are going to go your way.....then life looks down on you and says....you know what I don't like that idea lets have you..hmmmm...break up with your boyfriend maybe...then what?? your stuck here once again with nothing to do. So don't worry about the planning...there's no since...you have all of these choices to choose from why are you sweating the small stuff?? take a break from life and have fun for once...yeah I said it...HAVE FUN...okay.
anyways enough with my lectures right? right.
well if you insist |
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2004 26 March :: 11.37 am
:: Mood: dazed
everything has it's own supernatrual* glow to it.
So for nothing else today....I woke up this morning and for the first time in forever I feel like I actually slept during the night...Thank God~! IT's so muggy today that it's makeing it harder and harder to breathe...it's like the air is actually thick in my lungs...I don't understand it but thats how it feels.
tonight is another drowning day at the pizza place....maybe something fun afterwards that is if the certain someone says that it's still okay for me to go.....pllleeeassse...
now Im begging???
ahh someone shoot me...
alright enough is enough...
1 you must really like me |
well if you insist |
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2004 24 March :: 2.21 pm
:: Mood: intimidated
Today is the BIG day
So today might just be one of the most jammed packed days of my life....I have a job interview in howard city then from there I have to go stright to work because yeah I have to work then after that I have to somehow find time to see him....but don't know how that is going towork out cause I have a crap load of homework from my college class today.....Damn...
I am extreamly nervous though....I don't know if I can go to this interview even though I know that I will I still just.....im scared.....emmmmmmm sometimes I feel like a coward and I need him to hold me but when Im bieng a coward he's never around.....wonder what that means?
I have to find something to do for the next 15 min. because there is no way that I am going to show up for this interview almost and hour early....so I will wait till 2:15 and then I will make my journey to the unknown....baaahhh I feel like I am going to puke. thats deffinetly not good.
well if you insist |
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2004 23 March :: 11.43 am
it's 50 degress and im sitting in a rotting room on a computer when I could be out there enjoying the fresh air!!
I really can't stand they way the wind on branches outside a window can tease you so bad that you just want to rip your hair out...because you know that you are not ALLOWED to be out there...Geez with only 38 more days left in this school you would think that I would be a little more optimistic but really I can't stand being here and every miniute passes as if it was a whole entire day wasted.
yesterday I felt as if I would die if he wouldn't touch me and then when he left my house I took a bath and nothing helped I couldn't make myself feel better then I cried....I cried because I couldn't be with him at every moment of the day....what is wrong with me....and then I have this emptiness in this body that I don't know what it is all about...I think I do but im afriad if I say it somewhat aloud that it will come true so it I guess is my own personal secret that only me and him can know...
Jessa where have you been there are no postings....are you okay??
2 you must really like mestalkers |
well if you insist |
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2004 15 March :: 11.51 am
:: Mood: annoyed
I chipped my tooth and now I look like the hick I really am!
My mom says that we can go and get if fixed though...Thank God....I already don't belong here why not throw this in with it to make me blend better with my surrondings...ahhh. I can't stand this....
My best friend stabed me in the back today but oh well right jess...never trust anyone but yourself....
why don't you just FIRE ME!!!
thats it for today.
well if you insist |
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2004 5 March :: 11.59 am
:: Mood: anxious
it's raining but it's warm out, if I like the warmness of today but not the rain does is it still considered a nice day??
Yesterday I was rushed...but today I finally have time to finish the stuff I have to do...
My heart is pounding really fast and for the first time today I can finally be comfortable in my own body. These chairs make it so you don't have worry if your thong is hanging out and when your on the opposite side of the library from everyone else you don't have to worry about anybody staring at you or what you are doing. It's rather a blessing I think.
I had the most amazing thing done to me yesterday...im not going to say what it is because of the peers that email me back about it....so I guess I will just let your minds wonder what it is that I am talking about. It was a good thing that it happend to because I was starting to wonder if he could ever make me feel like that again....It's nice now I am lovestruck and starryeyed and finally in the storms of my life I am actually and truly happy with myself.
Enough!! right. Okay I guess I will go do something else.
well if you insist |
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2004 4 March :: 12.00 pm
:: Mood: bouncy
Today is a day when finally I fell.....HAPPY
I don't have very much time actually just about none at all.....
But this thing is just so addictive
ahhhhhh
well if you insist |
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2004 26 February :: 8.35 am
:: Mood: frustrated
Ahhh Oprah's book club is out to get me!
I actually have been trying all morning to get on to oprahs web site and just get a list of the book list but do think that I could??? NO! Got things like that tick me off.
I don't have to work till saterday which I guess is nice but I kind of needed some more money so this break realy isn't helping me. oh well though what am I going to do?? beg for more hours...Nah I'll be okay.
Jessa, that kid who I said liked you and wanted to do a double date said that all we have to do is tell him like a week a head of time and he will try to get any day possible off for US!!! cool huh
oh well nothing good to say today!
love ya(you know who you are)
well if you insist |
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2004 23 February :: 11.46 am
:: Mood: confused
what is he doing to me?
There is something or someone I should rather say that has been confusing me and I don't really know how to deal with it. I'm wearing his coat his scent is all over me and he was so close to my face I could smell his breath and feel his body against my leg...but I know that it is wrong for me to feel this way. I am supposed to be in love. But he makes me pull at my potential to go further with my career to streach to the heights I thought I never would reach....what am I going to do? Does my love really matter? is it enough?
Then there are those days when he totally ignores me and hangs on everyone else but me? what am I to think? does he really feel the way that I do? I don't know but for some reason I feel that I hope he does.
This bad...I thought he was gay....but he's not he likes it when I touch him...the massage today was even making me feel good and I was giving it...what am I going to do? God Help ME.
well if you insist |
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2004 18 January :: 10.18 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: superchick
it's weird how something that you cherished more than anything goes away without words or feelings then when it comes back it gets to you like an old bruise makes your skin bubble
I haven't wrote in here in a really really long time and now that I finally have the time to write in here it pains me to say that I have not one intellectual thing to say to anyone.
I have a three day break from work and it feels like a christmas present to me even thought it's not christmas who cares. a realief* really is what it is. two weeks ago I worked 7 days in a row and got payed shit for it and what was I to reap from it??? nothing but nasty smelling t-shirts and hardly any sleep, and a failed exam. And I thought that I wanted a job really really bad what was I CRAZY!!
Anyways sense I haven't written in here in such a long time maybe I should catch people up on what has been happing to me lately.....on x-mas day eddie (yes I am still with him) asked me to marry him and of course I said yes and I have a nice little rock to show for it if nothing else right now. but the weird thing is ever sense he asked me we have been fighting more and more.....whats with that are we just starting to realize what it is like to live with eachother because lately I don't know the less time together the better......maybe not the lesser time together if that makes sense at all. but it's just hard right now to be fighting one min. and the next were all lovey dovey you know.
Anyways I have to go find a sex pic for eddie pay backs are hell
4 you must really like mestalkers |
well if you insist |
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2003 26 July :: 10.56 pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: "my baby does the hanky panky'
I have quite a few things to say today so don't get discourged
where to start....okay I guess that I should repell my last statement and say that me and eddie are fine now he finally said what it was that I wanted him to say and were all good now......I guess for now..
Katie is still not home which I don't quite understand I mean she was leaving on tuesday and today is SATURDAY I mean she might as well just leave the earth the way she doens't even get heard of lately not even so much as of a call to let all of her friends know that she is still alive and kicking.....KATIE I AM NOT COMPLAINING.....well I guess I am a little but in a good since we all miss you up here in the little country you used to call home.
My dad and me got into another fight well actually it has been an ongoing fight that hasn't seemed to end since thursday so yeah first he tells me that it's none of my buisness what he does then he tells me that chinese food....which by the way I love hence the argument.....is not real food......then what the hell is I ask.....don't go there cause that was just a huge argument on why would I even think about eating chinese when I HATE hotdogs he says that somehow there the same thing what a stupid bastard.....anyways moving on to the next stupid thing that came out of his mouth which none of you will believe.....I was warming up the shower for eddie when my dad comes barging into my room going "who the hell is in the shower" ......to continue this segment I have to let you know that my dad was smashed okay.....So I go well no one ....yet but eddie will be getting in, in like 2 sec cause he has to go to work at ten and he would like to be clean you know like a human bieng!!! well then he just starts screamin at me saying how.....for reasons I will claim that he is criminally insane.....I don't have a FUCKIN clue how much gas costs these days and that I am oblivous* to the world around me.....then I go cause I was getting really angry by then.....oh yeah dad because over night I lost all my touch to the world around me and fell into this whole you call a home and anyways i hardly think that a little water going to kill anyone......he goes....IT COSTS ME 15 DOLLERS A MIN. FOR ALL OF THAT WATER........so I start screamin back at him and go ....WELL DAMN WE MUST BE POOR AS PEASENTS THEN HUH DAD YOU ASS. yup I really said it and then the wierdest thing happend he just walked away and know I am alone and I like it .....so HA I won!!!!
parents suck....except for my mom I called her about all of this and she was like.....oh baby you poor thing you want me to come get you? I said naw mom i'll be okay I better stay here with devin....my lil bro....just incase he blows up again......she is so sweet maybe I could call her to go get me some pop......hmmmmmm maybe
well if you insist |
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2003 24 July :: 4.56 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: "Im just a Dick...Addicted to you"
I don't know why but lately things have been changin in me and I don't know if I like what Im feeling
Eddie and I have been fighting a lot lately and I don't quite know why it is he feels he has to make me feel like crap all the time....It's like im invisable and he doesn't even care that every day I fall more and more out of love with him....I told him this and he suggested that we "just break up" he didn't mean it of course but it still killed me to think that he would rather give up everything that we have worked for in the past year than to actually get off his ass and try to do something with me!!!
Oh gosh I can't talk about this it just makes me really angry.....and nobody wants an angry red head!!
1 you must really like me |
well if you insist |
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2003 21 July :: 5.45 pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: "save big money with MYNARDS"
my dad finally got the internet like he said he would....wooooohu he finally did something he said he would.
I am downloading MSN messenger it's the new one you know the 6.0 one it's takeing forever cause my computers probably not big enough to hold it but when I went to find the older one the new one is the only one you can download now....I have been downloading for like an hour and it is only 62% done.
sorry guys I don't really have anything else to say so see ya
1 you must really like me |
well if you insist |
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2003 19 July :: 12.53 am
:: Music: Katie yelling cause shes too lazy to go upstairs for the Donnas CD
I have been picking at this little mark of pizza sauce on my shirt for the past 4 hours and I still haven't gotten to the point to go wash it off.
whatever....Katie is really pissing me off stealing the keyboard when it's my turn to be on God it's not like she doesn't have the internet all the time never mind she's too sensitive right now I love her though she knows it but she's to tired to deal with my mouth right now Oh well...
I really hurt my foot today and I can't seem to get rid of the pain... my mom says that it might be broken but I don't think so but if it's bruised in the morning she is going to take me to the med center....yeeee haaa thats what I wan't to do go get my foot proded by some doctor who doesn't know what the hell he's doing.....
God my head itches....maybe I have lice... probably not if I did then eddie would and he never itches his head and niether does katie except for her dandruff* but thats different she has a cream for that....
oh wait shes going to come uncorked and slap me...im sorry I can't stop laughing at her she so tired it looks like she might fall off the chair.....please don't it might hurt me.....
jessa you died your hair????? it looks really cool.....you always wanted to be a blonde didn't you..
the lights are flickering and im getting weirded out......HELP
well if you insist |
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2003 2 July :: 5.58 pm
:: Mood: hot
I have thought about this for a while and decided maybe I was a little to harsh on someone and I hope they forgive me
Okay I was thinking about what I said about katie and I have decided that it is not her fault for they way my aunt and uncle are treating me...I only noticed this after I was talking to my moms sister....a different aunt....and she said that it was not her who decided to work and that it was outrageous the way that they are treating me. So I will back down off my stupid pettlestool and shake your hand and say I am sorry.....I was wrong......don't make me regret saying it....
Yesterday was a really bad day for me and I seemed to take it out on everyone else and not really takeing a look at why I was really angry....I think that sometimes I get sight of they way I live and compare it to the way other people live and I feel as if I am just a mere ant and people who are living better are the sun and the magnifing glass that kills me...
oh well....who cares what I think
well if you insist |
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2003 1 July :: 5.12 pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: pink~misunderstood
I can't really understand anything right now nevertheless someone eles' problems but yet they still keep coming up.
I have found myself unable to stop crying....I don't know what is wrong with me...yesterday mom told me that I wasn't going to be able to make the money to go take my driving test and then today Katie calls me up and tells me that my aunt was going to ask me to work the fireworks tent with her but NOOOO she is going to be the only one able to work the damn tent never mind who needs the money more I mean for Gods sakes her dad just bought her a DODGE STELTH!!! yeah like she really needs the money to do anything.....Okay so Im a little jelous but come on their my aunt and uncle and Katie's not even related to me at all and they asked her before they even thought about me....theres something wrong with this story or what??
Now Katie I am not mad at you I am just a little upset over this....you probably shouldn't even had called me to tell me that but you did and oh well you are not the person who makes me mad....just some of the "other" poeple in my family I cannot stand...anyways....I can't stand me anymore so good bye
well if you insist |
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