please let me know what you know I am lost in a world of confusion

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

:: 2003 16 July :: 1.11pm
:: Music: Good Goo Dolls - Iris

I came across this..
Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love
Author: Rose Walker

kate	:: 2003 15 July :: 3.52pm :: Music: Yellowcard - Powder no one is themeselves until they don't like you anymore. 1 you must really like me \| well if you insist

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2003 13 July :: 12.06pm

I have been incredibly naive. I hate myself more than I ever have. I'm not expecting sympathy, I just need to apologize and fix this the best way I know how. I don't think this will fix it, but I'm dying at the thought of all I've done, so I need to apologize. I don't know how I did it and I know if I had known what I was doing, I would've stopped. I thought I knew everything that was happening, that I was in control, but James you were right, I was thinking about myself too much. I try too hard to make everybody and myself happy at the same time and it just can't be done. Now that I've realized what I've done, I want to die, it's what I deserve, but I'm going to try my hardest to make things right and not screw it up again.

James, I really did like you. I don't remember what I was thinking when I went out with Eric and made you wait, then made you wait for nothing because I went out with Justin. I'm incredibly sorry. I would never, never want to hurt you, or be another Connie. I care about you deeply and I never had the intention of doing that. I was naive.. and I hope you'll forgive me.. You're a friend I love.. and would hate to lose.

Justin, I'm sorry the most to you. I always have cared about your feelings, but me liking Joe couldn't be helped. Nothing was ever intentional. Your anger is understandable and you have no idea how bad I feel. I deserve to feel this horrible, I know.. I'm really sorry for ruining what we had, because I know it was a good relationship. You're one of my best friends and I hate that I ruined our friendship too. I miss you alot. I don't blame you if you don't care or if you want me to wallow in my self pity, because I do deserve it. So, although I still don't feel like I put into words exactly what I wanted to say, I did my best.. Justin, I'm deeply sorry, and I really do love you.

Joe, I have not done anything to you to be sorry for. I am, however, going to tell you that I am incredibly more naive than I thought I was and I'm afraid I might hurt you, as I have others.. I'm going to try so hard not to hurt you or anyone else. My promise is that I will be extremely careful in what I do and say. The choice is yours, if we're going to keep trying with us, since you know ... me ... now, I guess. I promise I'm still truthful and always have been. I love you too.

There.. that's all I know to say. I'm in pain with my thoughts swarming in my head and I do hate myself. I understand if that doesn't bother you. I'm not asking for you to forgive me, I'm just letting you know how I feel. You three are so important to me. If I would've known it would end this way, I never would've done anything.

kate	:: 2003 13 July :: 11.40am I don't know what to say. Hurry up and get online, dammit, so I can talk to you. well if you insist

:: 2003 11 July :: 9.17pm

amour, amor
Someone once told me
Not to write about love
"It can't be described accurately"
This quote I'm proud of

I'm not gonna sit here and ramble
As if I know what love is
Because I'm as unsure of it as you are
But I'll know when my heart is his

I don't know what I expected
When I started writing this
I just needed to do something
I needed to regain that bliss

Everlasting happiness
Do you believe in it?
I remain undecided
It sounds too good to fit.

I don't know how to end this
I didn't know how to begin
I just started typing
Hoping for a grin

kate	:: 2003 11 July :: 9.06pm :: Mood: undecided :: Music: Soundgarden - Pretty Noose Party Update Neilee's party is now from 4pm to 1am. Be gone by 1. Can anyone give me a ride home, by chance? well if you insist

:: 2003 11 July :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: Good.
:: Music: Incubus - Warning

I took this twice and both times I got this, so I guess it's as accurate as it's gonna be.

Wise One

With an intelligence far beyond your earthly years
and an awareness of the unknown to rival the
greatest of astrologers, as a Wise One you're
an extremely gifted and significant spiritual
agent, and have a special mission of teaching
and awareness in your mortal life. In the
spiritual world, you were called out of
retirement due to your impeccable track record
on Earth. You get the job done, and nobody else
does your particular job better. You have eons
of magical power and wisdom in your soul,
though it may lie dormant. Your presence is
magnetic and powerful, and when angered your
eyes become alight with intensity and
conviction. You are truly majestic and
beautiful, the most respected and reverred of
the Earth Angels. Remember, your hopes and
dreams when applied are as good as casting a
spell, whether good or bad. Be cautious of what
you wish for, because it may just come true.
Use that amazing capacity to learn, teach and
work to your advantage, and it will take you
everywhere you want to go.

Which Earth Angel Are You?
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kate	:: 2003 10 July :: 9.52pm Neilee's having a party Saturday. 4pm-11am. Her house. You MUST come.. because it's lots of fun and excitement... 2 you must really like mestalkers \| well if you insist

:: 2003 10 July :: 8.53am
:: Music: Grateful Dead - China Cat Sunflower

Today
Get up at 7 for work to find out that it's cancelled on account of the rain, then stay up because I wasn't tired anymore.

So I sit around bored and stuff until about 2. Kamal comes and picks me up. We drive. (doot do doo) Pick up Neilee. Drive somemore. (doot doot doo) Go to Magnus for a few minutes and hug Joe. Drive. (dooty doo)

Arrive at mall. About 10 minutes in, Brent and Justin come. We hang around the mall for a little while, sitting on a bench, then leave. Drive, (dum dee do,) and arrive at paintball shop. Have fun looking at animals while Justin does his paintball... stuff...

Drive back to mall. (dooo) Hang around. Sit on couch with Justin. Move couch with feet. Keep moving it until it's in the aisle. Move it back to original spot, but leave it sitting in wrong direction.

Brent and Justin leave. Kamal, Neilee and I walk to the Galyan's entrance to wait for Kamal's grandma. It's raining. Sing the "we love rain" Invader Zim song while dancing, jumping, and prancing about in the rain. Wrestle with Kamal and Neilee in the grass. Jump in a puddle.

Kamal's grandma comes. She drives, (do do do,) to Wendy's and we eeeaaat. I was hungry, having only eaten breakfast and it was like 7:20. Get driven, (do do doo) home.

Now I'm sitting here, a little dirty still from the wet ground in front of Galyan's and my hair is still wet, but otherwise I'm dry and happy. Satisfied with my day. (doot doot)

:: 2003 10 July :: 10.01am

I didn't have to work today because it was raining, yayyy. I'm so happy about that. I got up at 7 and even after they called and said work was cancelled, I decided to stay up. I'm a little tired, but I'm fine. I'm really just dying of boredom. I know a number of things I could do, but I'm not in the mood for any of it. meh, oh well...
I'm going to the mall today with some friends. That should be fun. That's all I'm doing today. That's okay though, I'd rather not do a lot. doot dee do...

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2003 8 July :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: frustrated, but happy.

I'm gonna fucking shoot this tape player. I push rewind and the tape rewinds a second, slows down, stops, rewinds slightly, dies. Same thing with forward. What a piece of shit. It I destroyed it, it'd work about as good as it is now and at least I'd get the satisfaction of getting to maim and deface something.

kate	:: 2003 7 July :: 3.01pm :: Music: Goldfinger - 99 Red Balloons If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it? 4 you must really like mestalkers \| well if you insist

:: 2003 7 July :: 7.39am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Coldplay - One I Love

Hell
I have to leave sometime in the next 10 minutes. I'm gonna hate this work so much. Good thing: I only work until noon instead of 3:30. I'll have to work till 3:30 after a week or two, but *shrugs* guess I'll manage.

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

:: 2003 6 July :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: The Get Up Kids - I'll Catch You

Camping with Kamal
It really wasn't all that fun. We sat around in a van, or on chairs, or a bench for hours, waiting for time to pass. We wanted to play paintball with Kamal's family, but they had no extra guns so we couldn't. I feel sick right now from the car ride. It wasn't nice. Also, Kamal's grandma, (the driver,) played country the whole time so I had to sit without protest as my ears felt like bleeding and my mind slowly decayed away. *shakes head* We got ice cream though, that was a plus.

:: 2003 5 July :: 4.57pm
:: Music: AFI - The Leaving Song Part 2

I'm sitting here waiting for Kamal to pick me up for camping. I'm so bored. I hate waiting. My impatience is intense.... well well well... doot do doo.. what to do... oh boy... arg. guess this entry was pointless.

:: 2003 3 July :: 3.14pm
:: Music: Vex Red - Can't Smile

This summer has been full of torturous boredom. I wish for school. I almost long for it. Summer's got quite a way to go until it's finished however, and the real Hell hasn't even begun yet. I have to start working soon. I want the money, but the work... ugh...

Well tomorrow should be eventful, hopefully. Going to Sand Lake with friends. Guess that's all I have to say about that.

kate	:: 2003 3 July :: 1.19pm .... The Withered Lover What sign of the Black Zodiac are you? brought to you by Quizilla 2 you must really like mestalkers \| well if you insist

:: 2003 2 July :: 2.57pm

You are Peace.

You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"

What Emotion Are You?
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