bathtub gin

I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.

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:: 2004 22 December :: 10.59am

Aw. I just finished watching the Year of the Rat music video. That is the cutest thing on the face of the earth. I love it. Thanks, Tracey. It makes me want to give everyone hugs.

I love you all.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 21 December :: 12.40pm

Confession time.

I don't want to kiss anyone on stage. I don't think anyone understands. I haven't had my first kiss yet...and dammit I don't want it to be staged. That's the last thing I want.

Ah fuck. I'm being selfish...I need to get over my personal discomforts...but grrrrr. Don't get me wrong...I'm grateful for this part. I just....::sigh:: I don't want to explain. Fuck it.

:: 2004 21 December :: 12.26pm
:: Mood: empty

Can you feel the love tonight?
I do feel empty. I guess I'm not satisfied.

You know what I realized? Once the seniors now graduate...I'm screwed. This means I will never be leaving the house again...for social purposes. I don't really have friends anymore. The only person I see and talk to is Patrice. I'm not complaining about that..I love Patrice to death. It's just...what happened? I lack the social skills to make new friends and I'm too impatient to keep the one's I have now. I don't know....are they still there? Or have they moved on? Have I moved on?

This is stupid, yes, I'm aware...but it's just....even now...I come online to just sit. I don't talk to anyone online anymore. Every once in awhile I'll ask someone a question or they'll ask me something....then we die.

Maybe I feel this way because it's the Holiday season. Once again, I feel very much alone.

I really want to talk to someone. Anyone.

But what would I say?

:: 2004 20 December :: 10.14am

So the TSO concert last night rocked, as always.

My only complainant was that I was uncomfortable and I like to keep my retinas for later use.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

toki	:: 2004 19 December :: 12.30pm Patrice is feeling better today. A litte bit. Issues that have been driving her insane have now worked themselves out. She does not quite understand why she isn't more relieved, but it's ok. She can breath easier now. Which is always cool. martini?

:: 2004 19 December :: 11.34am

I'm not even going to try to talk today. I'll just whisper.

Yesterday, my mom wanted to go look at Christmas trees "for the ambiance" and because she's such a Christmas nut. She just wanted a wreath but us chitlins saw this cute, forsaken Charlie Brown tree for only four dollars so we ended up getting that too.

My voice sort of came back during that time. It was back to that squeaky breaking thing that it was on Friday.

I haven't talked yet today. I don't want to. I'm tired of not being able to talk and just getting teased or not being heard or being called annoying.

I'll drink lots of water.

Dude! My mom just said my name and, by reflex, I answered her. I can almost talk normally again. It just sounds a little weird.

I'm hungry, I'm hot, I'm stinky, and I'm going to go.

I think everyone needs to/should go see Nick at least once during break. Even if you're just going to give him a hug and then you're going to leave again.

I love you all.

:: 2004 18 December :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: sad

I'm in a horrible mood and I apologize in advance to anyone I might snap at.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 18 December :: 10.44am
:: Mood: awake

Don't take advantage of your ability to talk!
For the first time in my life, I have laryngitis.

I cannot speak above a whisper. My whisper is a whisper. My normal voice is a whisper.

It's exhausting. It doesn't hurt or anything but the effort it takes to talk just wears me out.

(What am I doing up so early? I fell asleep early last night so I guess that's it.)

My parents are taking us all shopping later today (hopefully) so I'll get you all your presents and get them to you soon. Somehow.

I can't wait until I can drive.

I love you all.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 17 December :: 9.35pm

I'm no super genius. Or are I?
Voice update, I suppose.

I'm fluctuating between having to whisper and just having my voice sound really deep.

This happened after I stopped talking for a while but at least I could sort of talk.

I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and I haven't talked for an hour.

So I'm just going to not talk for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow.

Which, I'm sure, comes as a great pleasure to many people.

My parents went shopping and eating, my brother's at a party and my sister is upstairs writing her award-winning novel. So it's pretty easy to not talk. I'm sitting here, bored, listening to music on the random music stations on the stupid TV.

Wow. This break sure looks promising. Sarcasm, sarcasm.

Every time I cough, I can't help but think of that orphan girl on the one episode of The Simpsons. "But who will cure my whooping cough?" That was the most hilarious random ten-second thing ever. That was on the pie man episode. I have to find that now.

I love you all.

4 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 17 December :: 2.57pm

Funny things

what the hell is this?

Just pretend that its a taco

the doughnut got excited

bassoon kid has a bigger stick because his is made of wood

someome should stick a really hot french fry in your eye

i miss my cupcake

moron

sexuals

meeting at caribou on thrursday! 10 am!

grab the gym teachers balls

chair races

and thats all i can think of...today was a fun day! party on dudes! WInter break starts in 15 minutes!!! :)

:: 2004 17 December :: 2.51pm

Okay.

So if you talked to me at all today, you ~~saw~~ heard my progression from me to a pre-teen boy whose voice is changing.

For some reason, my voice totally crapped out on me today. In was fine yesterday but during first hour, it started to crack and after our presentation in second hour, it crapped out on me.

It was the funniest if you saw me progress through the day. It's still funny enough that Katie almost choked on her food at lunch, Ben would not stop making fun of me and Nick thought it was so hilarious that he passed the phone to his mom so she could hear me.

It's cool, really. This kid in my Japanese class had to look away while I was talking to him so he didn't laugh in my face.

My throat doesn't hurt. In fact, it only hurts when I force my voice to sound like it normally does.

I think I'm going to grab my dry-erase board and wander around with that for the rest of the day.

I'll probably be on the messenger a lot tonight.

I better be able to talk tomorrow or I'm going to be upset.

I can't even laugh right.

How do I make it go back to normal?

I love you all.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

toki	:: 2004 17 December :: 8.25am We have to distrust each other. It's our only defense against betrayal. -Tennessee Williams martini?

:: 2004 17 December :: 6.17am

Nick's home.

Ben and I went over to Nick's and hung out with him, Jackie and eventually Pam.

We watched Collateral and the rest of I, Robot. I missed half of I, Robot before because I had fallen asleep. I missed some of Collateral because I fell asleep again.

Nick's doing alright. He's still in a lot of pain, which makes me sad, but all pain stops eventually.

If you can, you should go see him and give him a hug or something.

My cold has progressed into a cough that came out of nowhere.

I'm making up an AP Lit quiz before school on a poem that I haven't read and don't know the name of.

I studied for my French quiz in my sleep which weirds me out a lot.

I didn't do any homework last night but I don't care.

It's the last day before break.

Nick's home.

Life is good.

I love you all.

:: 2004 15 December :: 6.25pm

Nick's mommy just called.

He's been in the recovery room since 4 and is in a lot of pain but he's on drugs and doing fine.

Everything went cool. He had some bone growth they weren't expecting and didn't think they could get through but it went smoothly.

He'll be in a room as soon as they get one cleaned so he's in recovery until then.

Mrs. Hazen was going to call around to people, I think, so we'll see what happens.

She said she'll call when he's in a room.

I love you all. Thanks for the prayers and all that jazz.

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 15 December :: 4.47pm

I didn't know
Xmas has been used for hundreds of years in religious writing, where the X represents a Greek chi, the first letter of, "Christ." In this use it is parallel to other forms like Xtian, "Christian." But people unaware of the Greek origin of this X often mistakenly interpret Xmas as an informal shortening pronounced (ecks mas). Many therefore frown upon the term Xmas because it seems to them a commercial convenience that omits Christ from Christmas.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 15 December :: 1.01pm

Penny Arcade on Spike TV's Video Game Awards and gamers:
I think that the process started by Sony's Playstation is now one hundred percent complete. I think that what has happened is that we [the gamers] are no longer relevant. Gaming culture has been seized, reconfigured, and commodified and programs like this are just the taut skin over a pulsing boil.

4 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 15 December :: 12.34pm

Nick called about an hour ago.

He's doing alright. He was just waiting around.

His surgery is scheduled for 1.

He's hungry, hates hospital gowns and blankets, bored and anxious.

He said the surgery will take 4 hours and he'll be in recovery for an hour or so.

He hopes to be coherent by 7 tonight and thinks he will be.

Mrs. Hazen is going to call everyone once he is coherent but doesn't think he'll be tonight.

He'll be in the hospital for maybe four days then stuck at home for ten days.

So by the time you all get home, he'll still be in surgery.

Wish him well.

I love you all. Thanks bunches.

:: 2004 14 December :: 10.50pm

Staying home tomorrow to get better.

Sent Wessely-sensei an email telling her to put Jerry Lacey in charge of anime club but if someone could please inform her (either that I sent her an email or that I'm putting Fire Sandwich in charge), I'd love you even more.

Sorry that Nick didn't come see you Katie. I feel really bad but he was being a guy and they got a new computer...

Tomorrow Nick has his surgery. Wish him well.

I love you all.

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 14 December :: 8.38am

Sometimes the simplest things can make your day better. I love days like that. No matter what anyone says about their self-esteem or what not, we all need some form of reassurance at times. Not too much. Because then it gets annoying. But you get what I mean. Even though I know it��s not true, it still made Patrice��s day. So yes. �� Smiles and such.

Yay for being vague. Tehe.

:: 2004 14 December :: 6.16am
:: Mood: refreshed

Last night, I took some medicine before I went to bed and (although I woke up a thousand times during the night) I feel a lot better.

Cool beans.

Nick goes in for surgery tomorrow at 1. He has to be at the hospital around 11. Please, keep him in your thoughts, pagan rituals, rain/snow dances and prayers.

I love you all.

5 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 13 December :: 10.33pm

This is how i feel, dont talk to me about it

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

:: 2004 13 December :: 6.02pm

Kelly, here's that goat thing.

For some reason, sometime, Kelly and I were over at Ben's and got on the topic of The Three Billy Goats Gruff. Kelly and I could not remember the ending so we googled it and found that.

It's the coolest thing ever. My favorite is the teenager goat.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 13 December :: 5.32pm

I think I'm getting a cold.

Which means everyone should be careful. If I am sick, I'll be better in a few days but if you guys get it...

You know it'll be weeks until you're better.

So I'll try not to breathe on you and I guess we'll have to stop the late night rendezvous and make-out sessions. Someone will have to inform Kelly's mom for me.

I had some tea and five billion glasses of orange juice earlier. My throat doesn't hurt as much but I still feel like I got hit by a truck.

If I didn't have tests or quizzes almost every day this week, I'd try to skip out on this usual waste of school.

I know everyone is sick now and I really hope you all get better soon! Go to bed early and drink lots of fluids.

I love you all.

P.S. If Nick gets sick, I'll feel so bad... ~~I think I might die. I'll feel really bad.~~ I'll never forgive myself.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 13 December :: 4.53pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: TV

Crew
SO i talked ot my parents about doing crew, actually my dad. He was like you did what we told you to do i.e. get good grades and so i can do crew but then he went to explain how y i shouldnt:
1. my grandma's leaving no one to take care ofthe house
2. my dad is getting another job which means he goes to work at 7 in the morning adn comes home at midnight
3. my mom is working a lot
Therefore i should stay home with my brothers and clean and do trheir h/w w/them. but i want to do crew. i sound so selfish.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 12 December :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: amused

I spent last night reading through everyone's old journal entries. It's kind of funny. We all say the same things.

We're miserable today. Today sucked. We're lonely. This person has no right to complain about how lonely they are because I have it worse. This person can't say they're having a bad day, mine's worse. I'm a bad person. Everyone hates me. No one needs me. What's the point of me being here?

We're all just lonely and miserable. I don't know. It's funny. I can't quite explain it. We're all lonely together. ::nods:: I guess. O.o

-Patrice

patrice

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 12 December :: 11.40am

Today is six months for Nick and me.

Six months is the longest any relationship has lasted for me.

I love you all.

5 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 11 December :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Respect

Ok. I'm bored. So I'm going to go through random on my computer and tell you the first....20...songs it plays. Woo?

1. MMMBop
2. We Can Work It Out- Beatles
3. Now I'm Here- Queen
4. See Me, Feel Me- The Who
5. With You In Your Dreams- Hanson
6. The Real Me- The Who
7. Fly Me To The Moon- Frank Sinatra
8. You've Got A Friend- James Taylor
9. Hello Good Bye- Beatles
10. If I Only Had The Words(To Tell You)- Billy Joel
11. We Will Rock You- Queen
12. Come Together- Beatles
13. What The World Needs Now Is Love
14. Save Me- Queen
15. Ain't No Mountain
16. Imagine- John Lennon
17. Fat- Bottomed Girls- Queen
18. 100 Years- Five For Fighting
19. Hound Dog- Elvis
20. Respect- Aretha Franklin

Ok...I need to load more of my cd's onto the computer. Ok. I'll probably be back.

-Patrice

:: 2004 11 December :: 2.52pm
:: Music: The Books

Hey
Read more..

So I downloaded a song by this indie band called The Books. In the comments section it said this: "screw the RIAA".

I love people.

:: 2004 11 December :: 1.25pm

Finished ACT at 11:28.

Got home around noon fourty-five.

Was easier than the first time.

Only thing I didn't know and know I definitely got wrong was the trigonometry jazz.

I love you all.

6 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2004 11 December :: 6.16am

ACT
Retesting may be a good idea if you see a discrepancy between your ACT scores and your high school grades, or if you have completed coursework or an intensive review in the subject areas included in the ACT since you were tested.

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