::
2003 13 January :: 10.58 pm
You can't take that away from me...
Sigh.
I feel so alone in this world.
The gradual transition into adulthood has so many exposures that contradict each other. Life itself is one big fucking paradox.
Point and Shoot |
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2003 12 January :: 12.38 am
A life in digital...
I had a hour and a half debate about the redered fundamentals of religion in general, with my uncle. I've decided that I'm going to stay in my position in not believing in anything. The whole thing seems like a conglomerate of pure pressure, and social institutionalization. The only reason, at the moment, that I'd believe in anything. Would be to stop the ostricization against myself from others. And, that's not the right reason.
2 Shots |
Point and Shoot |
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2003 9 January :: 1.12 am
Almost never...
Can't sleep. I downed a caplet that should aid my infamous insomniatical behaviorisms. Just waitin' for that little baby to grab a side of my intestinal wall and fuse its chemical compounds with mine. Then he'll pull out his shovel and create another chemical reaction that'll tell my mid-brain to release Mrs. Hormone (her maiden name was Mrs. Sleep Inducer) into my blood stream. He said it shouldn't take more than half and hour.
This weeks been pretty crazy. I pretty much only slept about one nights worth. Monday and Tuesday. No sleep at all. That's a bitch. This unwanted non-sleep precedence has made me a little blahty blah for the last couple of days too.
Pretty boring week for the most part. bleh...
Point and Shoot |
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2003 4 January :: 5.15 am
If I was a super hero, I'd be Afro Magnatudio...
Can't sleep. I have all these things running their little fingers through the synapses of my brain. Why go to school anymore? I need a cigarette. What am I going to do after school? What's so bad about a job in a factory? I thought about little things too. Past relationships, things that have happend in my life that have major changes. Should I be pissed at Rachel? That lead to me thinking about Tosh. She has a kid now. About the same age as my little brother. I'm really curious as to how she's doing these days. Maybe I'll ask Mike for her number Monday. That directed my route onto how dreaded monday is going to be...so many things...
Point and Shoot |
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2003 3 January :: 10.39 pm
How did you...?
Oh shit. It\'s time for another DRM. What\'s this? Dustin Reflection Minute. What\'s the topic for today?...
Goals in life:
1. Find my own unique version of happiness. I want to find it like a cd you\'ve always wanted but can\'t find unless you go to one of those 3rd party stores way off in the east side of town.
2. Open my own record store. I don\'t know a name. I don\'t have a location. Just to open one. People will be able to smoke in it. There\'ll be little walkmans on table that say \"Must use me once, or get the fuck out my store!\". I\'ll sell not only CDs, but records (33\'s and 45\'s), tapes, and nothing but. No movies, or action figures, or that other shit fye or fucking mediaplay have. Fuck that shit. More like Disc-go-round. Yeah I know, that place bombed. Where\'s the fucking optimism?
3. Get my mom to buy me a carton of smokes tomorrow...
4. Find a girl that understands/ca tolerate me.
5. Have some fucking freinds. I have none at the moment.
Point and Shoot |
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2003 2 January :: 10.11 pm
I'll give you a buffalo nickel if you'll lick one of those messages in a fortune cookie and stick it on your head...
...need...cigarettes.
Point and Shoot |
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2003 2 January :: 12.52 am
:: Mood: Fuck You
:: Music: Tweaker - Empty Sheet of Paper
The effects of brain on the life...
So, four days 'til the majority of the nation's student body return to their own private crunchlettes of hell. Where would I be without school? Today was pretty boring. I woke up at two o'clock still pissed at Rachel for ditching me yesterday. Ate some stuff, drew some stuff, watched some stuff. Listened, listened, listened to some stuff. Mmm hmm. Good stuff, that was. I've had about three cigarettes in the past week and a half. So, as soon as I get the chance. I'm buying a whole fucking carton.
God Dustin, not only are you a crazy fucking fiend, your boring too!
Fuck roller coasters. I've discovered that if you have a fucked up life. And you escape it for a measly week.
Then come back too it!
Well, it's like putting your mouth, open, on the side of a curb. Then having your fuck buddy stomp you in the back of the head. (Yeah, American History X.)
2 Shots |
Point and Shoot |
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2002 30 December :: 11.59 pm
:: Music: Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
Dull points, worn joints...
The chaos theory. Subtle things can have devastating effects on things in the future.
Murphy's law. If things are going to fuck up, they will...
2 Shots |
Point and Shoot |
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2002 22 December :: 1.31 am
Like smoke, in the atmosphere...
...I got a call from her. She's home now. She wouldn't disclose any information, but she seems just as broken as I am.
Heh, the funny thing is. My mom has a vendetta against everyone, because she thinks the world is against her. She thinks that everyone fucked her over. She's oblivious. I feel bad. All the things that have happend to her, are all inflicted by her.
...I'm 18 years old. I want to tumble through the grass on some hill. Staring up at the clouds. Making different shapes and animals with my imagination. Knowing that life gets tough sometimes. That things are going to happen that are going to cause some hurt. Nothing, like this though...
Well, I guess I'll see what happens. I can only hope that I can bypass the flow of anguish, and even for a brief moment feel: happiness.
Sounds corny. It's priceless though, but even more, it's taken for granted.
1 Shot |
Point and Shoot |
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2002 21 December :: 12.42 pm
Wet fingers on the tip of an ivory spiral...
"Atmosphere"
Perching on my lips.
I draw her insides.
- We take our fusion.
Kaliedascoping abstraction she represents.
While snow warms itself on my eyelashes.
- I blink curteously.
Affectionately, I release her to the others.
"We" give our condolenses.
- beiging disapation, disassociation.
***
*The telephone rings.
Mom: Dust', bye.
Me: Where you going?
Mom: To heaven hopefully.
Me: What, mom, don't do this.
Mom: Tell Nathan when he gets older that I love him. Don't call the police, I'll drive away and go to sleep in some barren road.
Me: Mom, stop, I'll go make cookies with you. We can talk about this.
*She hangs up on me.
I call the police. Telling them all that had happend. They go to my mom's house. They're going to send her to Cornerstone. What happens next?...
Point and Shoot |
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2002 20 December :: 8.25 pm
I here them breathing...
A cigarette in my hand, snow flakes in my hair, the sirene sounds of a train (no seriously), that's my nirvana.
Point and Shoot |
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2002 18 December :: 6.07 pm
:: Music: Afroman - Palmdale
Twitterpate my love for whimsy...
“A Narcaleptical Pondering”
I wish I could sleep forever
and put away
my endeavor,
That is my life.
I wish I could dream for eternity,
holding on
to all that is dear to me;
forever.
The good dreams I could see,
the love
never to be;
forever
To the bad dreams I would smile.
I wouldn’t mind,
I have the guile;
forever
Then I wouldn’t have to be sad.
I wouldn’t have to
be mad;
forever.
It would all be in dreams.
No tears, or
broken seams;
forever
I could make the worl’
mine, in an
endless swirl;
forever
But someday, I’d have to wake,
rub the sleep from my life
The world I’d have to take;
forever.
Or until I fall asleep once more;
or until I fall asleep forever.
Point and Shoot |
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2002 18 December :: 2.02 pm
:: Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile
Drive by shitting...
A volatile mixture:
1 rainy day +
1 104 degree hottub +
1 dustin
= dustin having fun simultaneously inside and out.
Point and Shoot |
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2002 17 December :: 8.36 pm
:: Music: Tweaker - Flying on Wings of Steam
A spoon full of migraine...
Sick of society? Sick of people taking everything out of your hands and shooting it pointblank into your ass? Sick having people who bang their heads on tables tell you that your mental capacity is lower then theirs?
Well, I have the solution for you my friend! Take liquid drain-o in pill form. Yes, liquid drain-o in pill form. Give 'em to your friends or family. They give you hours of fun green froth at the mouth, and check it out! They make your brains syphon from your head out of your ass and down your pant leg!
Mom: I'm fucking sick of you, you little bastard! Its time you got what was coming to you!
Little Billy: Hey! What's this in my spaghetti?
Mom: Artificial coloring, now eat up you little shit brick.
Little Billy: Wow, mom this is the best plate of shit you've ever pulled out of your rotten vaginal hole! Gack, gack, gack! You bitch you've...geh...
That's liquid drain-o in pill form. Call toll free, or find them in your local super market. Tell 'em, Ma' sent you.
***
SF: Im so proud to live in a town thats broke down and worn out, its a joke now, like an old cloud, im still around, I've sold out my soul now, I don't know how I let the cold get a hold around my throat, ow, I wont allow it to make me choke, no, it will let get go, I will break free from these city streets that carry me like an endless scream, screaming out numbers like one, two, three, but no more do i feel remorse for of course the fourth and skips by the fifth and sixth just to spit out the seven then kicks eight, nine, ten, and quits on eleven, Am I dead? cause this ain't heaven, and my head keeps on spinnin' And then again I'll come back with some adrenaline and slam it in some little kid who thinks he's shit
themunkysman: I'll pop his ass like a fucking zit, running down the block yelling fuck you, blasting you in the face, knock the fuck outta all ya'll too.
SF: what
SF: lol
themunkysman: With a soleless shoe, I'll shove my foot up your ass. Knock your teeth intot the grass, yelling "Yo what the fuck you trying to do?"
SF: cmon dustin, you're fuckin bustin my flow i outta rip of you nuts and throw them back at you yo,
themunkysman: damn bitch, stop trying to pick my stick, I'm cuttin' the flow, so off with you, you broke ass joe.
themunkysman: eh, yeah
themunkysman: anyway, off to bed with MC Dustin
SF: shit not even a newt would record your dumb rhymes its too fucking loose and goes lower than punch lines like rhyming shit thats broke apart and harder than hard trying to find a smoke in the park after dark when the joke that you're smart and that there's such a lack of light like a nigga with frostbite
SF: lol
themunkysman: ya'll should hit the sack, like a potatoe pack, jack, before I roll in your house, and strangle you with your computer mouse, you joker, tell your mom I said good night, nevermind right, I'll do it myself, slipping her blouse off, I'll smoke her
themunkysman: she'll kick you out, making your white cracker ass broker
SF: dood do you get the clue you cant do it like the way that i do, well i guess ill show you what you can have my rush right or left, you can pick the nut so just pack up your shit and sleep tight cause im better than this so fuck you and good night
themunkysman: broke like a joe, yo, suck my dick, and lay down my stick, you think your shit, but hell, like I said before, I'll pop your ass like a fucking zit
SF: your using the same rhymes over again that shits abusing the rules and fucking with my head so just do what i said, take away with ur shit and dream of your own mom when u go to bed
themunkysman: Well, night grand master saltine cracker
SF: i can do this forever, like link would do zelda, so just flip the switch, pull the lever, oh shit it dropped on your head now you dead, last time go the fuck to bed
themunkysman: :-)
SF: lol
SF: later dood
themunkysman: see ya
Point and Shoot |
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2002 15 December :: 2.25 pm
:: Music: Tweaker - Microsize Boy
The dogmas of atheism...
All I have to say
My monitor displayed
My circuits are away
Closed down and afraid
Styrofoam and latex to my icey below
Soiled laces threshold into your soul
I will decide
No time to hide
But you’re not the kind
To keep an open mind
You make me microsize
Microsize boy
And you never stay
An empty, open bay
And I was on my way
But you don’t want to play
Just so tired of drinking, I’m shorting out
Kaleidescoping pixels, they’re crashing down
And I’m left behind
You’re no friend of mine
And you’re not the kind
That keeps an open mind
You make me microsize
Microsize boy
Point and Shoot |
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