Hmmmm...
I still need to do some summer homework. I should do that.

Nicole and I hung out today. We looked at prom dresses online and laughed a lot. Twas fun! Then we went to the movies, planning to see A Cinderella Story and laugh at Hillary Duff, but changed our mind and saw De-Lovely. It was very long and depressing. *sigh*

I might end up getting to be in leadership staff after all, but it'll be kinda crazy if I do. I'd have to change my schedule and not do jazz dance. (I'd have to take Symphonic Band, which is something I'd REEEALLLY like to do anyway.) Then I'd have to take a semester of PE my junior year, but whatever. I'd also be up and moving the day after I get my wisdom teeth out (which might not make the doctor guy very happy) but it's not like I'd sit in one place all day anyway! Hrmm... I'm not sure how this'll work out. I'm not sure which way I'd rather have it happen, actually. I guess we'll just see.

Out of town again and when I'll be back
Turns out I'm leaving today for San Diego. My mom thought it was tomorrow. Anyhoo, I'm leaving after my voice lesson which is in like half an hour. I'll be gone until Saturday evening, around 7, so maybe we can get together and go to a movie or something...I don't know who all is going to be in town.

Sunday and Monday I'll call various people (or later) about when we can hang out. I still have to write my english essay, read some of my history book, and write the 2 little history assignments, but I'll do that after I get my wisdom teeth removed.

About that: I had an appointment today with the surgeon. It all sounds very easy and painless but I have to be at home doing pretty much nothing for 4-5 days afterwards for recovery. This means I can't ride on Friday (*sob*) and I can't really hang out and DO things until Saturday. If you guys wanna come over just to hang out and watch tv or a movie or something, that'd be cool, but I can't go out until Saturday the 14th. :-(

So that's that. I'd really appreciate some company during those few days, though. I'll be bored. I can only read for like 3 hours at a time before I get stiff and antsy, and there isn't always something good to MTV. I'm thinking we can hang and talk and hot tub and play with my new cockatoo, though!

Voice lesson soon. YAYYYYYY!! I'll have my cell phone and probably be online in San Diego, so you can call/text/IM me. I won't be able to check my e-mail so yeah. See you Saturday evening!

WEST SIDE STORY!!
I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE! NOOO!! I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE DIED!! AHHH!!

But I am going to marry Nic Rouleau. That is, if he's not gay.

He has a sexier voice than Josh Groban. I'm not kidding. I get this high sort of feeling and I smile really huge and can't breathe. It's like...OH. MY. GOD. It's like WOW. Yeah. He's that good. But he's going to be a senior!! WAHH! Nicole and I will absolutely DIE when he graduates. The good news: PULSE (the a capella group he's in) is makinga cd!! YESSS!!! HIS VOICE!! FOREVER ON A CD!! WHOOOOOO!!!

Or if he could just hold me and sing to me every once and a while...that'd be nice too...

WHY CAN'T OTHER PEOPLE SING AS WELL AS HE CAN?? IT'S NOT FAIR! He's too gifted. If there were more of him, maybe I'd get to marry one. Darn.

So besides the fact that I LOVED West Side Story and don't blame people for being a certain race, (coughnicolecough) I had a GREAT day today!

I woke up unhappy after like 5 hrs of sleep and REALLY wasn't in the mood to sing. It was like barely 6:00am in Maui when we warmed up! Ugh. Kinda stupid hymn, but not too high, so I sung soprano with my mom. I kept automatically going to the alto line. It was funny. Well, I thought it was funny. But whatever. It's really hard to sing 'wake' and pronounce the k when you're singing an E. Or anything semi-high, I guess. Oh well.

I have a voice lesson tomorrow!! YAYYYY!!

Oh, and I think I now have 3 life-changing events. They have changed once more.

1)the incident (in VERY LITTLE detail, mostly stressing the 'what i learned' part, which is what the essay should be stressing)
2)my parents' divorce
3)robbie's suicide

Another thing that my brain had tucked away. Weird.

Oh, and I'm officially a geek. I'm just really into geeky things. I thought it was SO sexy that a sort-of-not-anymore friend of mine went to a creative writing camp this summer. Apparently that's not cool...whatever!

When I said this (I happened to be at Ali's house partying with Ali, Nicole, Louise, Molly, and Sara) Nicole immediately remembered a time when we were driving to the movies and somehow we got on the subject of "hot" guys. OH yeah, we were talking about Josh Groban being hot and how Nicole thought he wasn't. Like, physical-wise. Anyway, my mom and Nicole came to the conclusion that I go for dorky guys. I guess I do. But I came up with something like "I guess I just have a thing for dorky guys who won't do anything with me!" My mom was like "YESS!!" all happily. Haha.

So yeah. We discussed many things. We discussed them in the yard in front of Ali's parents, the Butenskies, and Laurel and Hannah. And our discussions weren't exactly G or PG. Hahaha...whoops.

It was SOO MUCH FUN!! Ahhhh I miss you all!

I need to sing. WAHHH!!! I NEED A LITTLE SOUND-PROOF ROOM SO I CAN SING AND PRACTICE ALL I WANT! I swear I'm going to pop. I have so much singing energy built up! I usually sing in the shower, but I haven't been able to recently becuase of group showers (okay, maybe that sounds a bit wrong, it's just like a bathroom with stalls, but with showers in them...) and the hotel room which had my bathroom close to my parents' room. I NEEED TO SIIIIINGGG!!

MARIAAAAA! Sing it loud and it's music playing. Sing it soft and it's almost like praying. Maria, I'll never stop saying Mariaaaaaa!

Now maybe if I could actually sing that about 10 times in a row I'd be better. Ugh.

Maui and other related sentiments (and some unrelated ones too...)
First things first: WE BOUGHT A COCKATOO IN MAUI!!!!!

He'll be arriving on Thursday. (When, unfortunately, I'll be in San Diego with my dad.) But he's a goffin cockatoo, just over 3 months old...just a baby! He's soooo affectionate!! I love him.

Seriously, if something could replace the need in my heart to love a boy, this bird has. I just love him! <3

We also ziplined. OMG IT WAS SO COOL!! All you really have to save you is a harness and a rope and a zipline, which is like metal. It's COOOOOOL!!!

Oh, and I got in touch with my absolute obsession of book stores. Only in the summer do I have time to actually READ. I was a bookwormy kid, as in, you wouldn't see me without a book and I'd read like 2 a day, and I miss that. A lot. Bookstores are my friend...ahhh yes...

So my summer reading so far has been:
1) Second Helpings (after reading Sloppy Firsts)
2) A Yellow Raft In Blue Water (HELL. oh my God was it boring. it was okay during the end and when Christine and Elgin had sex, but that was it. Oh, and apparently Father Tom raped Raymona on the raft?! Didn't catch that. I think they should have detailed it more.)
3) Phantom of the Opera (wohooo!! It was a much quicker read this time *shhh, don't tell the teacher I read it a long time ago!* and was a lot of fun to read. Read it in about a day while we were on the Hana Highway.)
4) The Lovely Bones (I have like 40 pages left, but it's SOO GOOD!! I read it on the plane...couldn't put it down. Speaking of rape...it was really greuseome in the beginning, but it gets better. It's really sad, though. *sniff*)

I still have to read about 60 pages of art history. I'm SOOOO scared that I'll finish the 2 (or is it 3? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME!!) chapters and not know a single thing about how to write about art. The whole thing is way over my head. I thought my reading comprehension was pretty good, but...:-/

I really don't want to go to San Diego and then Disneyland with my dad. He doesn't really know me. It's nice that I get to see him, just to be able to, but it's not something I long for. It's really weird that I hardly ever think of him and don't miss him at all, but that's the way it is. I mean, it's apparent how much he doesn't understand me when he says the stuff about how I need to use a condom when I have sex. Right. Me having sex. I freak out when someone tries to make out with me, and that's far from sex! Not that with the right person it'd be different... but it's not like I'd have unprotected sex at 15 anyway! I wouldn't have unprotected sex at 30 unless it was with my husband and we wanted to have kids! But anyway, not looking forward to it. I'd rather stay home and catch up with everyone online and hang out with people who want to hang out with me and stuff. (And if you're one of those lucky people, hit up the cell at 823-1137!) Not that I'm advertising it or anything...

I'll have some free time after I get my wisdom teeth out. Oh yeah, oral surgery...fun... But I just found out that Nat and I are having the same procedure at about the same time, so we can suffer through it together. Here's what he has to say about it:

Cookie4Nat: ok so they showed me this video
Cookie4Nat: first they put u to sleep
Cookie4Nat: they will split open ur gum
Horseeyoregal: eek
Cookie4Nat: if there are any jaw bone obstructing the passage of the teeth
Cookie4Nat: they will need to remove the jaw bone
Horseeyoregal: they'll break it
Horseeyoregal: oh holy crap
Horseeyoregal: i'm scared
Cookie4Nat: then once ur wisdom teeth is exposed
Horseeyoregal: tooth*
Horseeyoregal: or are*
Cookie4Nat: they will split ur tooh into two pices while still in ur gum
Cookie4Nat: once split..they will extract each side one at a time
Cookie4Nat: so they dun needa yank the whole thing out at once
Cookie4Nat: ive gone through surgeries when i was lil
Cookie4Nat: like 3 times
Cookie4Nat: where i go to sleep
Cookie4Nat: when they put u too sleep
Cookie4Nat: expecting to wake up the next 20 seconds
Cookie4Nat: expect*
Cookie4Nat: but in real like its one to one and half hour
Cookie4Nat: but the drug they put in u..it like freezes ur body's ability to judge time
Cookie4Nat: so it feels like a 2 min procedure
Cookie4Nat: and when u wake up....dun freak out
Cookie4Nat: stay clam!
Cookie4Nat: calm!

Oh Lord...

Anyway, I still don't know what I'm going to do about the barn closing. I was talking with Mary (my friend from the barn...we've been riding there together since she was 9 and I was 8) about what to do. We want to go somewhere together with all of our barn friends. We both ride Dante and there might be some hope. He'll be used for the Stanford Equestrian Team, but, knowing him, they wno't want him long. He freaks out during shows (well, not for me, but he really doesn't like strange-looking fences) and they won't be able to control him. So anyway, at least he's not sold for good or already gone or anything...

So yeah. Summer has gotten better. I still haven't found a boyfriend yet, though. The various few I'm interested in aren't available or wouldn't be able to commit for various reasons though. (As in one's in college and one's sort of fickle and ALL are online-based relationships only, though I know all of them outside of the online world and have talked to them all in person...) But I suppose something magical may happen at band camp again. You never know. I might even fall for a freshman. Ha. Fat chance. But maybe something I wouldn't expect will happen. Anything's possible.

Well I'm supposed to go to bed "not too late" seeing as Brian has to do the video recording for church and that means that Mom and I are singing. Ugh. I don't want to leave the house for a while. I haven't been here for more than 24 hours in over a month!! But whatever. I might have plans after church for tomorrow with Nat, and there are lots of people online and a certain person who's worth staying up for...(even though I'm sure he meant 'later' as in tomorrow or sometime this week and not in a few hours.) But ANYWAY...

Oh, on to a more philosophical and thoughtful item of "discussion." I have to write an essay for World Lit about 3 events that have changed my life (that I experienced with another person.) So I've been thinking about it.

The first that came to my mind was my parents' divorce. Obviously. I mean, it's only been like 2 years and who wouldn't write about it if they remembered their parents' divorce? In all honesty, though, it really didn't change my life. I cried when they told me just becuase I felt like my "perfect" family was shattered. No more stick figure mom's and dad's holding hands with their daughter in front of them under a sloppily drawn rainbow with the label "My Family" above it. But it didn't really matter to me when it was just my mom and me. I guess I could write about the first time I met Brian. It just doesn't have the ring of "when my parents told me they were getting divorced" though. The second was suggested by my mom, my first voice lesson with Paige. Of course. I was so happy after that lesson. Finally someone was telling me that there was hope and that I had a nice voice. Much different from that bastard Shane Troll and the sort of cold half-compliments from Mr. Shaull! I was so excited after that lesson. Of course it changed my life. Voice was the most important thing to me besides band, and if I didn't make main street I'd be crushed. Up until that lesson, I didn't think I had a chance. The third I couldn't put my finger on. The first time I rode a horse wasn't memorable. It was at a Girl Scout camp (back when I still was one...lol a LONG time ago) and it was just some crappy walk thing in a western saddle. Not some amazing experience. My first time on stage? A cute story, but it's not like I can honestly say that I remember being the only one in the ballet class that would go onstage and do the little thumbelina dance. Last summer, the first time I had ever tried to diet and succeeded? I could make that work, bs some stuff about how I never thought I could lose weight and how I was so happy being able to have so much willpower and crap. Eh.

In the plane it hit me. What had REALLY changed my life? Not the stupid, corny, wowing things that I'd mentioned. Duh. What I'd taken to calling "the incident" and became used to bringing up if anyone asked me if I had any good stories to tell about myself. What I'd expanded to what was hardly true, that I was almost-raped. Out of the things I'd already mentioned, this was actually life-changing. And the weird thing was, it took me over a month to even think of it! It was so incredibly traumatic that it took my brain that long to come across the experience in my mind and then place it with the fact that it, above all other situations I can think of, has really affected who I am and what some of my judgements are now. I'm just blown away by the fact that I hadn't thought of it until then. That it was so tucked away and hidden... I've heard that the brain shuts out memory of intense situations like car crashes and whatnot. I guess maybe it doesn't come to mind frequently now that 1) I'm over it and 2) my brain wants to protect me from dwelling on it.

Then I wondered whether to write about it or not. Probably not. I can write about my parents' divorce, but not that. Too personal. I'm sure that that's what the teachers are looking for (personality) but that's not something I need to share like that.

I'm glad that a topic actually got me to thinking for once, though. 3 events that have changed my life...hmmm...

Well I suppose I'm pretty much done. For now...mwahahaha. I've missed my precious journal.

Ya know what I REALLY like? I like it when people say things like "sweet dreams" or "sleep tight" or "sleep well" or something like that when they sign off or when I tell them I'm going to go to bed. I just find it really sweet. So anyway, sweet dreams to you all! Goodnight!