More of me.

More of me.

:: 2011 21 November :: 7.18am
:: Music: Margrot & The Nuclear So and So's- Broadripple is Burning

30-36hrs
Patient realizes hes stupid. This was a dumb decision. How could I ever have you think this is more than just me being dumb?

But how else can I get you to show me that you actually cared? At all.

I wish I had cameras everywhere all the time, so I know how you reacted after I left. This would be easier if I knew that.

valoth

:: 2011 20 November :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Xx - Crystalized

24hrs
Here we are. 24 hours later. I felt like shit all damn day. My phone is filling up with saved drafts of text messages I want to send.

Now that Ive made the choice I feel I made the wrong one.

I feel like I should have taken the skype, msn, and computer problems as a better sign. 30minutes of skype video crashing my system and then moving to another computer only to have the same problem.

Its eating at me like a cancer. I feel like Ive just thrown away the only good friend I had left. I want to break something, shout, go nuts, and just generally make it feel better.

To top it off I never got to say half of what I wanted. Which is that if she can show me what I am, what I mean to her...Id be so much more at ease. Or so I hope.

So Marley, if you happen by this place. Show me you care. Show me why. Help me understand things. I miss you. I need you.

-----------------------------
I feel like shit and I only have 1 day of work between me and at least a weeks worth of days off. Im going to be sinking to depths I havent seen before without her.

I litterally have no one to lean on.

I have plenty of people I can talk to. Online gamer "friends", mtg "friends", coworkers I get along with...short list...
None of which want to hear my woes or have advice to enrich my life. None to actually be there for me.
I need friends. No. I need good friends. Friends who would go out of there way for me. And me for them.

No wonder Im alone.

Which brings me to the best(worst) part of all this. I still have my id/ego/superego issue looming over my head. I have self perspective on the situation like I live in third person.
Ya, I talk to myself.
Im crazy.
Can you blame me for being this way if all Ive ever had in life is people pick on me?
Yup I blame others.
I wont say I do not have short comings, but holy shit I was given a raw deal here.

No goals.
No friends.
No love.

Happy Holidays, am I right?

have a drink

tuwang

:: 2011 20 November :: 2.03pm

so... I switched cuts last night for some cash to get out early, hopped on the metro, and made my way downtown to some club with only letters and numbers in the name trying to sound hip (tr 5768 or cb 12 12 or pg 3030 or something like that).

I danced my ass off (what little I had). I got in there and I was greeted immediately by a beautiful girl of the Peruvian persuasion, three shots of tequila, and a group of nice people. 3 hours later... all the stress and problems and worries and frustrations I seemed to have had are gone, rendering yesterdays post pointless. :) Funny how shitty dance music can do that.

except for the room mate thing. That's still on. They've been trying to not be so abrasive but I feel as though I've already made up my mind. This morning after Diana left, I went back to sleep only to be awoken by the sounds of sex coming through the vents. I've owned it up to a bad living situation at this point, because I can't really hate on that.

Advantages of new apartment:

~$100 less a month
bigger room that isn't next to the door that opens like a vault at fort knox
bigger kitchen and living room area
better room mates

My new room mates are both girls, however. We're all currently in a relationship of 4 months - 2 years so that's not really an issue, I've just never really lived with a girl other than my mom (who doesn't count). I'm both curious and mortified at the prospect. largely worried about shower time, but they aren't necessarily the "get really gussied up every day like we're going out" type.

so... next step is find a new job. wish me luck.

have a drink

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 17 November :: 9.32pm

Scriptina

have a drink

valoth

:: 2011 20 November :: 12.12am

Deed
The deed is done. Ive laid out my story. I said I need a break. How long this lasts I dont know.

What I glean from the conversation on her end is nothing. She has zero understanding of where Im coming from.

I feel like shit.
Because I cant communicate better.
Because I couldnt help her understand my viewpoint
Because I cant be more thorough in my efforts
Because Im not stronger

I want to know how this effects you. I want to know how your dealing with this now that were done talking tonight. I want to know that you show remorse, that you show any emotion. I want to know that you think I meant something.

What was it that I mean? Tell me.

have a drink

valoth

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.12pm

We havent spoke in the last 40 hours. Shes called 3 times. Once after I left, just before the last post, and then again 2 times this morning. I didnt answer any one of the calls. I want her to to reach out more. If she cares, if she understands what shes doing to me then she will try harder.

When we talk next I plan to take the issue up with her. Ill be asking her what I mean to her. What I am to her. Ill be making sure she understands how hard this is. She needs to show me these things. If she truly cares, she will do that too.

I cant just be a friend whos there when its convenient. I cant be that guy who you throw comments that lead me on at. I dont and wont do that. Stop doing this to me! Gah!

Ive said it once, Ill say it again. Im at a certain place in my life where I need something more than a friend.

have a drink

tuwang

:: 2011 19 November :: 3.25pm

alright, so more detail....

Basically, when I came back from Japan I was living with my mom for the time being and didn't really have any friends outside of work.That's when I decided to fill my schedule with nothing but work.

Now, I live on my own and have a girlfriend whom I'd like to see on occasion. I DO get to see her usually twice a week, but she's in school and by the time our friday hangout date rolls around she's so exhausted all she wants to do is sleep. I on the other hand, have been sleeping all week and want to go out.

This week, I got a drunk phone call from her on thursday around 2 in the morning. She was too exhausted to really "hang out" or do whatever yesterday, and now that I have to work until midnight tonight she's going out with all her friends. I mean... I'm not upset that she's going out without me, but she had planted the idea in my head and I thought we were going somewhere other than inside on friday.

but of course she was too tired to really even have a conversation with me.

Also notable, when she goes out... she looks good, and she's fun to dance with. I haven't really had an opportunity to combine those two things at once. Usually she comes over on saturdays anyway, but she's been out and has taken the heels off and only wants to sleep because we both have to work early on sundays.

I feel like this should be the other way around, or at least that's what I've been told my entire life.

I am a glorified body pillow at the moment.

I'm sure this will change in the future as I get a new job hopefully within the next few months, and I'm positive it's not that she doesn't WANT me there, but damnit I'm getting frustrated and I don't know how to quell it.

I wouldn't be so frustrated if I didn't like her so much. She's really bright, I enjoy hanging out with her, tri-lingual, and has an ass that (as I've said before) is claimable on your taxes as a dependent.

What also doesn't help is that my room mates suck and keep me up all night. This has put me on a weird schedule and they are stressing me out, and I"m sick of my job that makes me work only the days I can see anyone outside of work.

I'm moving out in the next month and that's stressing me out as well.

I have finished re-doing the resume I've lost, including recontacting all of the references I've had, and for the most part looking at it I'm not the worst candidate in the "to be" place for my field.

I just feel like I"m getting the raw deal, and I want a break from stress.

advice? how does one be patient and motivated at the same time?

4 drinks | have a drink

tuwang

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.28am

I've never had this problem before... ever...

It's really frustrating. I've done this a thousand times with everyone else but when it really matters I can't follow through....

the hell?

3 drinks | have a drink

valoth

:: 2011 18 November :: 12.22am

Story time?
You want a story? How will that help you do homework? I wont.

You straight up tell me I dont know you. You straight up say you feel bitchy. At what point am I supposed to talk to you then? Because I wont.
You insult me again and again. Do you not notice this? So naive or just irresponsible?

Heres a story for you.

Once upon a time there were two people who met online in a the usual time internet way. They talked more and more as time passed. Eventually they started skyping all the time, hours of time a day. One is a boy. One is a girl. The boy helped the girl through rough patches of her life while going through hard times in his own. The boy helped the girl pick a school over a summer long project to choose one.
Eventually the girl graduated and spent the summer talking to the boy more before going off to the school.
At the school the girl grew distant. At the school the girl got way too deep into the situations around her.
Before going to the school the boy liked the girl, and told her this. The girl liked the boy. Then the girl went to school and decided to not like the boy in that way anymore without being clear and forth coming. The boy was strung along for months.
Eventually the boy grev very angry with the situation. The boy tried so hard to not just kick her to the curb in favor of releasing lots of woe, stress, and other emotional issues.
As time passed with this situation looming, the boy became more and more berated by the girl. She grew callous to no end.

The boy told the girl off in hopes that the girl gained some perspective and came back when/if she was ready.

She probably didnt/wont.

The boy was ready and needing certain things in his life the girl could not give or would not give. The girl was just looking to play games with the boy in hopes of finding herself more. The boy couldnt handle that bullshit.

The end.

valoth

:: 2011 16 November :: 12.00am
:: Mood: annoyed

Im confused.

I thought I had clicked. Finally been able to give it up and be ready to not deal with it anymore.

Yet Im still here, wavering in the wind on what to do here.
-----

Im trying so hard to find a way to just fuck it and give it up. Tell her off. She needs to understand how my end of the situation came about and how its going. How its got to go if I can ever move on to being "just friends."

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, everyone wants something from someone else. No matter what the relation. Tangible or otherwise there is something the other person gains from your relationship. Friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc.

The question is, do you understand what it is the other person wants from you?

In my situation I wanted friendship. It then became wanting companionship. Then it became wanting out of this problem.

For her it was friendship, then it started to become wanting a relationship and with the snap of a finger that ended. Now its friendship but wanting companionship just not in this way.

Will she ever realize how her words are taken by other people? Will she understand face value is a stupid term. Reading into a situation is key. More than key.

I need her to understand how maddened I become every time I think I sense a change in her demeanor. "I miss you" means more than it says. If you think otherwise you are a fool and should just learn to hold your tongue. You cant tell me you miss me constantly, know you have the option to see me and then NOT make use of it only to keep saying it. That drives me up the wall.

Fucking take a leap of faith if you want me. If you want to say you want me only to just be friends. Im going to make a decision that you wont like. Because Ive talked to numerous people who agree. It needs to end. Its not healthy and it definitely not healthy to think that keeping what this is going like it is.

I need to end it soon. No talking. No texting. No messages on fb. Nothing. I need to just say "hey I cant do this, its driving me insane. Your confusion on the issue leaves me with no other option than to do what I need to do to keep me going. if you think you deserve a place in that then you need to speak up or Ill talk to you someday down the line."

Im in a place in my life where I want a companion. Not a mess. Not dating. Not being overly good friends. A companion. You clearly arent being that, so I should move on. You can come and let me know that youre ready for such a thing, if you truly are. Otherwise, Ill talk to you when I talk to you. Good luck, but for now its goodbye.

valoth

:: 2011 12 November :: 11.32pm
:: Mood: irritated

Straight up stupid.
Women are stupid. Seriously. Youre all wrapped up in yourself to the point of cutting off blood flow causing confusion. Something. Jeebus!

How can women know what they want from a career or future so easily and then on the other hand be totally confused with men?

You all want a giant list of things that a man should have. You want that list checked off on the first fucking second too. Annoying. Perfect isnt out there. Humans are imperfect beings. Stop it. Seriously.

You want to say men are stupid and assholes, why? because we know what we want from women before we go about future planning?

When did this line of thinking start? where did it become ok? Things should be this damn fucking hard.

FUCK.

Moving on

You cant turn me into your of the moment man. I dont work that way. Im not going to be there for you when you think its convientent. Thats not ok. You either want me all the time or never. Not halfway. No. Just...no.

Fuck me. I just need a healthy relationship for a change of pace. I miss those.

spud	:: 2011 11 November :: 9.17pm Three man and... Ice. Luge. 5 drinks \| have a drink

phil-himself

:: 2011 9 November :: 6.27pm

I think I lost my fuckin headache.

have a drink

tuwang

:: 2011 9 November :: 4.09pm

Started redoing the resume I lost when my old lappy blew up. It's been a pain in the ass recalling some of the information I had but hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer and I'll be able to get my foot in the door somewhere.

Not sure where to start but D.C. is apparently where it's at for my field so... good luck to me I guess.

1 drinks | have a drink

valoth

:: 2011 7 November :: 1.56am

I think its happened. Ive clicked. Im over it. Its weird.

phil-himself

:: 2011 3 November :: 8.21am

in the now

have a drink

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 31 October :: 9.25pm

i only have one person who truly truly understands. i appreciate her and respect her so much for that. especially because she never went through it herself so to understand how i feel is a huge deal. of course shes familiar with the feeling of trying and waiting etc but to actually be told its going to be hard for it happen. that theres a possibility it wont ever happen. thats tough to understand. to that person, you know who you are i hope and just know how much i appreciate it.

i hate so much the feeling where you have something that upsets you so much but you feel like its wrong for you to get sad or be mopey because someone of course has it worse than you do. but then on the other hand i dont want to walk around being miss positive when things aren't positive. i hate going to work every day and pretending like i'm caring about the papers i'm filling out, the patients i talk to, the work i'm doing. i dont care. my mind has been focused on one thing and one thing alone for so many months. i feel so selfish and so self asorbed on one hand and then on the other hand i feel like i have a total right to feel this way.

i have always felt i have one sole purpose on this earth. for that to have become something that might never happen for me is just unthinkable. so upsetting. i hate feeling this way but i can't help it. I can't help thinking that if it doesn't happen for me, i wont ever be complete. i dont even have the option of that "out" that most people have. because the person i'm goign tobe with every day for the rest of my life doesn't see that as an option. and thats not what i wanted anyway but at least i could keep that in the back of my mind as an option if no other way is possible. if it doesn't happen i wont be able to just keep going to work i wont be able to keep participating in life like i might get what i want one day. i wont. this isn't how it was supposed to happen.

i know what i was made for.

God, you know what I was made for too. Why wont you allow it? It scares me so bad. I'm so bitter towards everyone I meet or hear about who has what I don't have. It hurts every time I see how great we would be. It hurts when we act so silly together and then look at each other and say "can you imagine what it will be like when....." to think that there may never be that "when" it hurts so much. I hate the feeling that I can hardly cry about it anymore. Its like its not real. Its like I'm seriously just on a moving sidewalk not actually living my life but just rolling on along... watching everything. Of course I have moments that I enjoy with friends and my loved ones. obviously. but i can never escape the feeling of sadness I have about the thing that clouds my mind 100% of the time. Medicated so i'll feel better on a day to day basis but it just makes things feel unreal. Because I can't feel sadness like I did. Its good but bad all in one.

I dont want to be jealous anymore. I dont want to be bitter anymore. but most of all i dont want to be missing this important thing in my life anymore.

i'm so scared to inject crazy chemicals into my body. all the changes or side effects it can cause. weight gain, nausea , insomnia, loss or damage of an organ. potential death. pain. the stress its going to put on my marriage and friendships. and the insane cost. the cost we can't afford whatsoever. but i can't even say i care because its nothing compared to what i want. it will make the pain so much harder to ignore. i'm so sick of taking medications . i'm so sick of appointments. insurance company calls. a surgery. prayers. what more can i put into this. i really truly don't know. i've tried praying to God every day several times a day, i've tried saying fuck it and screw you God you don't want to give me the thing I've wanted most in my life since I was literally 2 years old. anyone who knows me would know what I want more than anything. You know that when I was 4, when I was 11, when I was 14...what did i love? what did i want? did i want a fancy career? a big degree? money? fuck no. you know what i want.

but to reiterate- thank you again to my friend who understands,listens, is so supportive and always says the right thing.
also thank you to the other people in my life who care as well. please know i appreciate more than i could ever tell you.

have a drink

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 31 October :: 7.35pm

who would have thought i would have to do what i'm about to do? its so not fair. if it doesn't work i wont be able to keep this stupid positive attitude anymore.............. but yet i wont be able to stop trying........................super.

have a drink

valoth

:: 2011 31 October :: 4.17am

Im not being mean when you talk about your plan for college. Im being realistic.

Common problem 4yr plan students face:
-money(loans or cash for needs during student years)
-finishing on time
-finishing with leads to jobs

Common needs:
-job(part time/summer/seasonal)
-money(loans or other finance)

You cant just brush that off. You cant tell me no, because your successful. Successful people might finish on time sure, but are you saying everyone Ive known is not? You dont really get to declare that. lol Thats unfair and pompous.

You dont even know what your planning to go for. How can you finish on time if youve not decided anything? What if youve already missed classes that file under things to make it out on time? Cmon now.

Oiy. You had me so happy earlier. Now you leave me on sour notes.

Just like Rachel. I dont like where this path leads. Need a better fork in the road.

1 drinks | have a drink

phil-himself

:: 2011 28 October :: 11.30am

yeah you're life's hard, tough shit, there's 7 billion people in this world and you think your issues are tough

first world problems

2 drinks | have a drink