Meh.

Meh.

:: 2009 19 June :: 3.59am
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Poison Love" by Phoebe Sharp

So this is rock bottom? Not as dark as I imagined it would be.
Wow. I haven't written in the blog in nearly a year. o.o Well, I have a feeling that I'm going to be giving it some more attention again. At this point in life, everything just seems to be going downhill. Oddly enough, at the same exact time, there seems to be a bright glimmer of hope in the distance.

A year from now, I'll be finishing up my associate's degree in interactive media. What does this mean for me? It means that I'll be moving away from the town I've known since I was born, and the people I've known for many years. That's right. I'll be packing up and moving to Illinois to be with my boyfriend. We're going to look for an apartment to rent while he goes back to school for his master's in computer programming and I... well, I'm not honestly sure what I'm going to do. I may take some time off and just work full-time so that I can save up money. But other than that, I'll be going to school for my bachelor's. Once we're both done with school, we'll be looking to buy our own house, and so life will continue on.

Until then, we're stuck in a long distance relationship for another year. :< At least we're almost at the half-way mark of our long distance relationship. I just got back from Illinois a few days ago after being there for a month, and it was fantastic! Sure, with living with him constantly for a month straight, we had our fair share of issues. You never really know someone until you live with them after all. Anyway, we had our disagreements and our arguements. Once in a while, things got pretty ugly. Still, I think it's safe to say that the good times definitely outweighed the bad. I was so used to being able to wake up to see his face every morning, and being able to fall asleep with my arms around him. Being here without him now feels just horrible. It's odd that I came home to everything that was familiar, yet things have never felt more strange to me.

Tonight wasn't so great. :\ I waited all day to speak with my beloved. It was all I really wanted. I even quit everything else I was doing so I could just sit and talk to him. I miss him terribly. Anyway, for some reason, my mood changed all of a sudden. I read way too deep into something and I felt really hurt, which in turn just made me mad. I tried to keep my mind off of it, but it didn't really work out. So eventually things just kind of snapped between us and he went to bed after I, to my regret, hung up on him without saying "I love you too". :< That's one of my favorite things about him. No matter what's going on between us, he always says "I love you".

Almost immediately after, I tried calling him back while crying so that we could work things out, but he didn't answer. Odds are that he turned his volume down and went right to sleep. I really needed him and I felt like he wasn't there for me. Part of me just feels like he doesn't even care sometimes. I know he does, but sometimes he can come across as so heartless and uncaring. *sigh* I feel like I always have to be the one to apologize. Sure, I cause most of the problems because I'm the overemotional one, but sometimes it would be nice to hear him apologize for making me feel upset and hurt. And that's just what I was tonight. Extremely hurt. Not only by the initial incident, but also by the fact that he wasn't there for me.

So then I had an emotional breakdown and cried for about an hour. Then, as I knew I would end up doing, I called and left him some long voicemails trying to tell him how I was feeling, and apologizing for certain things, telling him that I missed him and that I loved him very much. It sucks fighting over long distance. At least when you're fighting while you're living together, once you get over things, you can always go to the other person and apologize, or hug them, or something. Being so far away, there isn't even a guaruntee of being able to get ahold of them.

*Yawn* I just hope everything is alright tomorrow. Well anyway, I'm going to go get some sleep. I have to wake up, get a shower, and then get ready to spend the weekend at John's house. That should be fun. I'll try to keep this blog a little more updated nowadays. :P Night all! <3

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 8 October :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "Here Without You" by Three Doors Down

Voulez-vous chanser avec moi?
OMFB! Yes. Oh my fucking blog. o.o

Man, I've sort of abandoned this poor blog. It's probably been so lonely without me. Who else will be there to comfort it when it's feeling down, to celebrate its good times, to touch it like no one else knows how to. ;)

Wow, that was mildly amusing. XD Anyway, back on to talk about normal things now, and not molesting my blog. Classes have been going well. As well as expected, anyway. Calculus is, well, calculus. It gets hard, there's a ton of work, that sort of thing. I seem to be doing pretty well though. English is absolutely amazing! Like, I honestly adore the class. It's interesting and easy to keep focus in. Great professor! :3 German's been pretty good, up until last week when my calculus work began interfering with my German studies. I'm still doing really well though. And Into to Viscom is pretty good as well. Hell, today our class was an hour and a half shorter than it should have been. We've yet to ever stay the whole time. We normally get out about an hour or so early. Woot.

Mmm. M&Ms. I don't freakin' understand engineers and their wordage! What the hell is a micro controller anyway? I've had this explained to me, but I'm still retarded. I guess that's why I'm the designer half of this team. o.o You kids and your damn nerdspeak! XD Pick up a book once in a while, read some English. Lmao! I'm just messin'.

Man, I'm freakin' bored right now. I haven't written in this for about a month, but I have nothing interesting to put in here. OH! 23 days until Halloween!!! I can't wait. I'm having a party, and some of my favorite people ever are coming into town just for that! Jimmy and Jenny are going to be here, which is awesome because I miss them both like no others! :3 Jimmy hails from Illinois while Jenny currently resides in Texas. Jim's got about a seven hour drive here and Jenny's getting her plane ticket soon hopefully. I can't freakin' wait!!! I say freakin' a lot. o.o

But yeah, that's going to be the highlight of my month. I kind of really want to watch Titanic now. That or Moulin Rouge. One of the two. In fact, I think I will. :D

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 11 September :: 3.53pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Fall To Pieces" by Velvet Revolver

Random tears?
It's odd. I don't think about this situation much, but the simplest little thing brings tears to my eyes. Complicated much?

I have German not too long from now and I'm just trying to write a journal entry for my Honors College Composition class on material wealth versus sentimental value.

I'm glad to hear my friends all seem to be doing well these first few weeks of their new college lives.

I think an old friend of mine may actually be becoming inspiration for a character and perhaps just a whole new original story altogether. She may not know it, but I truly admire her and all she does. She's going to go so far in this world, and I wish only the best for her. I will admit though that I miss having her in my life. I was just thinking about the times we spent together and it brought some tears to my eyes.

I'm not as far as I should be in life, and I feel really lame for it. Sure, I'm in school, but I still don't feel as independent as I'd like to be. I can't wait for the weekend. o.o

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 30 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: "Everybody's Fool" by Evanescence

Holy crap o.o
Ten days without blogging? What the hell is wrong with me? o.o Normally I'm used to totally neglecting things online because I get too caught up in the real world, but this is just weird, because normally this place is my sanctuary, the place I run to when I need to just rant my black little heart out. Yeah, I just totally killed a Lestat line, sue me.

Anyway, erm, nothing interesting has really happened in the past ten days. I started my college classes, which mostly explains my abscence. They're alright for the most part. I already have a calculus quiz next Wednesday that I'm totally nervous about, but I'm sure I'll live. I don't think college has really sunk in yet, except for the expensiveness of books and new problems that keep arising that I need to handle. Tomorrow is officially my day of rest. I think I'll go home tonight, work on my homework for the week and study for calculus. Then I can just enjoy the next two days peacefully.

I love that I usually have a morning class, am home by noon or so at the latest, get to relax all day, do some homework to get ahead on things, then go to an evening class, come home, then usually pass out within a few hours. 2/5 days I don't even have an evening class. I also love that there isn't one class that I have two days in a row, so I get a day break inbetween from each class.

But DAMN, books are expensive. Luckily I'm going to end up using a lot of these books again next semester. *Phew* The only thing I dislike about college so far is that because your classes are only for a semester, you have to get in the work in a shorter period of time, which is why after only 3 calculus classes, we're already getting quizzed. I ADORE my Honors College Composition I class so far though. The teacher seems ultramega cool and he's really interesting and easy to pay attention to. I don't find my thoughts drifting much in this class. I believe I also have a German quiz this week coming up. That one's alright though because I'm much more comfortable with learning language then an immense amount of numbers. o.o

Bah, sorry. I'm babbling. ^^;; Anyway, nothing is really new other than that. Problems in the household seem to be dying down a bit, as far as between me and my parents anyway. I think I'm acting a little more edgy around them lately because I'm tense, but because I'm at school on weekdays, we get our break from each other. Woot. I think I'm going to go home now. I'm sitting at Matt's house. He's sleeping. Poor him, hasn't slept all day until a few hours ago. I feel bad waking him up. :<

I kind of wanted to hang out with my sister tonight, do the girl's night in thing, but I think she had plans for the weekend because she hasn't gotten back to me. Oh well, it's a little late now. So yeah, I'm gonna go, hopefully find food when I get home, do some work, and get some rest.

I leave you with these few shots from Projekt Revolution 2008! Enjoy!

ASHES dIVIDE [Founded by Billy Howerdell of A Perfect Circle. Amazing!]

Chris Cornell

Linkin Park's backdrop with silhouettes

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park [My fave shot of the bunch]

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 20 August :: 12.56am
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: "Breaking The Habit" by Linkin Park

Holy fucking shit!!! o.o
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Projekt Revolution 2008 kicked ASS here in Cleveland!
I'd go on in detail, but I stood in front of that stage for six hours straight and both my mind and body are EXHAUSTED!!
I'm still so fucking pumped though.
EEEEEEEEK!!!!!!! *snuggles with Linkin Park's towel*
Just need to get my film developed now. o.o
I got a shout out to the Other Realm on there. xP

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 17 August :: 4.39am
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Der Letzte Tag" by Elis

Every breath is sweeter than the last...
I'm so tired, but today was pretty good, for the parts of it that I was awake during. I didn't get much sleep until mid afternoon, when I ended up passing out and waking up like every two hours. I finally stayed up at around midnight. Fun stuff.

It's really hot in here and I'm thirsty. I also want to call my sister to see if by chance I could go over there tomorrow if she isn't busy. I feel like hanging out with her would be good for me right now. She's one of the only people I feel like I can talk to about things lately, and it would be a nice escape from this prison. I also have a MASSIVE urge to go swimming, so maybe we can. Hahaha.

I need to get some posterboard today so I can work on the sign for Tuesday. Man, JUST TWO DAYS!! I'm so fucking excited. We're getting there a few hours before the gates even open. I don't mind, I just gotta make sure I get rest the night before and I get up early enough to get ready and whatnot. MAN, I'm excited. I need to get directions printed out just in case though, even though I pretty much know where we're going. Just need to remember which exit to take. Yayyyy!

Despite lame issues recently, I've been rather happy. It's a good feeling and I hope it decides to stick around. Oh well. For now, I'm gonna go get something to drink and then get some sleep. :)

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 16 August :: 10.54am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: "All I Ever Wanted" by Basshunter

Yeah. I'm original. xD
I am such a total sap. That's really all I have to say this morning. I just wrote this poem. Well, I don't even know if you could call it a poem. It's kind of just poetic thoughts. No scheme, no rhyming. Just my thoughts and feelings flowered with pretty words and nice imagery. It works. I suppose I like it. I highly doubt anyone will ever get to see it though. It's just one of those things that's really personal.

Maybe. We'll see how things go. I tried writing some edgier lyrics this morning, but after getting one verse down, I put it aside. If there's one thing I'm realizing lately, it's that my writing talent has sort of died. I can still write stories and anything else, but I used to be good with poetry. Maybe I just haven't been properly inspired lately. I'm finding it difficult to write anything edgy, despite the emotional issues I've been dealing with. It's odd. That's one thing that SHOULD be inspiring me. Perhaps I've just become too optimistic of a person to really draw heavily on less happy thoughts. Who knows? I'll give it another try later.

I had a rather interesting dream / nightmare this morning. There was one part where I was with like, a team of scientists and we were researching and taking notes on experiments we were performing with anti-gravity or something like that. Everything was upside down, and there was a certain procedure you had to take to get it that way. So yeah, I was taking notes for the team. That part was interesting.

Then I was dreaming inside of my dream. I can't really remember much of this dream in a dream except that there was a snowy, icy field, but it wasn't cold. I was there with the Phantom of the Opera [go figure]. But no, there was no dramatic music numbers or any lovey dovey stuff. He was just there, and I was following him. I don't think we even spoke, but yet he was trying to lead me somewhere. Then I remember grinding my teeth in my sleep [in the dream, not sure if I was in real life] and wondering why it felt weird. I also remember "Hearts on Fire" by HammerFall was playing. After a minute, I shot up out of sleep on the couch to the realization that there was something broken in my mouth. So I run to the bathroom and pull out whatever it is and it turns out that I had broken pieces of glass in my mouth. I wasn't bleeding, nor was I in any pain. In fact, all I was worried about was the glass messing up my teeth or breaking them. Odd. So I'm pulling this glass out and throwing it in the trash can in the bathroom, piece by piece. It was like, pieces of a broken brown glass bottle. I felt a piece go to the back of my throat and I began choking on it. I tried forcing it back up, but I could have tried harder. I honestly don't even remember feeling like I put much effort into it, where as in real life, I'd have freaked out trying to force it up and I'd shove my hand to the back of my throat and pull it out. Then after realizing that I was going to choke on glass and nobody would be around to know, I woke up. o.o It was a very strange dream. And yes, when I woke up, "Hearts on Fire" was playing in my headphones. xD

I think the choking on glass is a bit significant in an odd way. This may just be the crazy way my brain works, but it's almost as if my dream is saying that if I swallow my own words and choke back my feelings that it's only going to hurt or kill me in the end. I'm no dream interpretor, but currently, that's just what I'm going to make of it.

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 15 August :: 10.23pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey

An unexpected turn of events...
Tonight was nice. After a sort of depressing day, Matt and I went out and hung out at the park then hung out at McDonald's. The simplest things can be so totally fun. :3

Things seem better between us. That cheers me up massively. I think everything will be fine. As long as we're both happy and still hang out with each other. He's the bestest friend ever!~ ^^

*Yawn* I'm tired, and yet I have to stay up for a bit. Blah. Lameage. It's alright though, I'll deal. Tonight is a good night.

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 15 August :: 6.14pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "The Last Song I'm Wasting On You" by Evanescence

I'll never let you break me. Not again.
I feel so hurt. It's not the kind of hurt where I want to cry, but the kind where I just feel like I'm all on my own. I suppose it'll only make me stronger. It only makes me want to strive for more and become all that they never thought I could. I have so many goals, and I'm going to meet them all. No, I'm not just going to attempt to reach them all. I will. That's what life is for. You set goals for yourself and attempt to reach them. When you do, you are truly satisfied. As long as you remain happy in the process. Happiness is the most important thing in life, and I'm not going to let anything keep me from being a happy, self-sufficient person.

I don't understand hatred. I suppose I never have and probably never will. I'm one of those people who can pretty much get along with anybody, so when people senselessly hate others, I don't understand why. Sure, sometimes I act like a bitch, but usually that's just all it is. Acting. Usually jokingly. I'm a generally optimistic person who thinks people are good for the most part, or at least have the potential to be so.

I feel broken, but strong. Torn down, but motivated. Hurt, but resistant. Nearly hated, but independent. I feel like my heart is breaking yet healing itself all at the same time. I want to get out of here. I want to go to school, get a job, go out with friends, do things for myself. If it weren't for school or my dad, I'd probably just up and leave. If I'm going to focus on school, I can't worry about where I'll be staying that night. If my dad weren't here, I'd probably go crazy. My sister too. She's been really helpful through all of this, and loves me unconditionally. I love my mother, but if she's willing to let this come between us, then I don't know what to do about it. I just have to do what's best for me.

There's just too much to take all at once. I want to block everyone out of my life right now and just stand on my own. Just live for me and only me. It seems selfish, but right now, it may just be the best option. As much as I care about others, I can't keep putting everyone's best interests ahead of mine.

I have goals. I have a dream. I'll live it. I'll do all it takes to get there, and I'm not going to give up on that just because others want to drag me down. I'll never let that happen.

God damn it. I want to go swimming. xD

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 10 August :: 4.27am
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: "Lithium" by Evanescence

Maybe it's finally clearing up.
I think I'm finally starting to grow up a bit. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel quite independent. If there's ever one thing my dad taught me that is a valuable life lesson it's that you can never rely on anyone else. You can only count on one person in this world, and that is yourself.

I FINALLY got registered for classes, after they FINALLY processed my credits. It turns out I earned five, not four. But hey, even better, right? Anyway, I have to go up there with John Monday so I can talk to someone in the financial aid department about how my grant won't kick in until early September, so I need them to hold my classes for me so I don't get dropped. Then once my grant kicks in, that should pay for full tuition and books. The only money I have to worry about it what I spend on myself personally for living, and trust me, not having money is an easy way to learn not to spend a lot of it on yourself. XD

So once I tell them this, everything should be all set and my classes should be starting August 25th. I'm excited! I'm going to have Calculus I Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, College Composition I Honors Tuesday and Thursday mornings, Intro to Visual Communications Wednesday evenings and German I Tuesday and Thursday evenings. It's amazing. Only 4 classes and they're worth 14 credits, and that's not including the 5 I've already earned. I'm a little worried about getting lost since I decided to challenge myself and take the higher classes, like calculus. I think that as long as I ask for help when I don't get something, I should be fine. We all know what this means. I get to go SCHOOL SUPPLY SHOPPING!! That's my favorite part of August, don't ya know?! Haha. I'm a nerd, so what?

It's probably a good thing that I'm going to try to keep my mind focused solely on school. I've been given such a great opportunity. Who cares if it's just a community college? I have an opportunity no one else in my family has had and I'm going to take advantage of every second of it! I'm going to put so much work into my education, because I WANT to get somewhere in life. I want to be able to get out of there, get a good job, and be able to stand on my own two feet. I'm finally learning how to be strong on my own, and that's a great feeling.

The only problem? Still can't drive. Hoping to change that really soon though, so I can get myself to class. Until then, I have to bike to class every weekday morning. Not that I mind that, though. I think a nice bike ride would be a good way to start off the day. :D Plus, if I bike, I don't have to pay for a parking pass. Haha. Oh well, I'll figure that all out when the time comes.

Until then, things seem to be going great. I've already seen minor changes in my every day life that make me view myself as a more responsible person. My sleep schedule is still a bit messed up again, but that's easily fixable. In fact, I think I'm going to play some playstation and then hit the sack. xP

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 7 August :: 10.53am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Bye Bye Beautiful" by Nightwish

I should sleep. Sleep and dream.
I don't know. I have no clue why I'm still up. I was playing Runescape most of the night. *yawn* It's so hot in here and I'm so tired. I'm almost afraid to sleep in hopes that I'll get a call back today from the college because I called and left a message yesterday. Also my mom is apparently leaving today to go stay with her sister. I don't know if it's just for a few days or what, but I really don't want her to stay gone. This whole issue is dumb. On the other hand, there would be less fights with my parents, but still. I don't know. I just hope everything works out okay.

I don't know whether I'm happy or depressed lately. It's an odd feeling. Like, I get really depressing thoughts, but through all of it I still try to be happy. Meh. I'm happily miserable? Who knows? xD

I just want everything to turn out for the best and I want everyone to be happy. It seems like for everyone else to be happy, my happiness will always have to be put on hold. I'm through doing that. I don't take enough time to worry about myself because I put everyone else before myself. I need to think more about what I want, what will make me happy.

What I DO know... is that I'm going to bed. I can't even keep my eyes open right now.

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 5 August :: 8.24am
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: "CrushCrushCrush" by Paramore

I wanna go shopping!
I've had a rather amusing morning, I must say. It's pretty much kicked major ass. It's the first alone time I've had in a bit. Mom sleeping, dad gone at work, so of course it all started out with me blasting good music and dancing like an idiot around the living room. :D Then I did a bit of singing, more dancing, more singing. Talking to Matt and Josh, those kinds of things. Fun stuff.

I convinced Matt to possibly sing a duet with me!! That would be amazing, seeing as how I've never had a male counterpart to do a duet with before. Also, that means I FINALLY get to do a vocal cover of a song I've wanted to tackle for a long time. "Broken" by Seether, featuring Amy Lee of Evanescence. YAY!!! :)

I'm hopefully going shopping with Josh today. *Crosses fingers* I suddenly just had this urge to go shopping at a thrift store because I need both more colorful clothing and more fitting clothing. I've lost a little weight, and I'm almost ready to start wearing clothing that isn't a size or two too big for me. Lulz. So yeah, we're gonna meet up at Value World later today, assuming that I can come up with money and a ride. ^^;;

Vanity. It's something that's bugging me a bit at the moment. I tend to dislike vain people. o.o Oh well. I guess everyone has their flaws right? No, I'm not saying that I don't have flaws. Hell, my anti-vanity could be considered a flaw just as easily. I'm starting to care more about these kinds of things though. I just never want to be at a bad level of vanity. That would suck, and then I'd slowly start to despise myself for being a hypocrite.

I can't put others down, because that doesn't make me any better and in fact, it only makes me worse. Everyone has flaws or faults. Everyone has great qualities and talents as well. We're all like one balanced scale, but we have to be careful not to tip too much to one side. If we become too flawed, then we're just screwed. If we become too great, it goes to our head and in the end we still end up too flawed in the eyes of others. I think the best way to live life is to realize our gifts without flaunting them and realize our faults without feeling sorry for ourselves; to live life without self pity and without self praise. I'm not going to claim to be perfect, because I know I'm guilty of both of those, more so the feeling sorry for myself part, but hey, that's alright. We're all human, and not ONE of us is or ever will be perfect.

Wow, that was randomly deep of me. I suppose I need something to keep my mind entertained while I try to keep myself up all day after being up all night. xD *Yawn* Curse you sleep schedual! I need to stay up so I can sleep tonight so I can get down to the college tomorrow afternoon. What fun!

I swear there was something else I was going to talk about in here, but I suppose I've covered it. o.o

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 4 August :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: hyper

I thought you were a believer...
Need a moment? Chew it over with Twix.

Yeah, that's about as exciting as my day was today.

But the best part was that the previous statement had me laughing for about five minutes. Head buried in my bed, just laughing at nothing.

Dear God, I have issues. XD

I blame him for the blogger Twix commercial comment. Curse him. Lmfao!

Wow... Just wow...

- Fae

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faerin

:: 2008 31 July :: 2.44pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: "The Only" by Static-X

Gahhhhhhh!!!11!!1one!11!eleven!!1!
Yeah. That wasn't exaggerating at all... o.o

*Yawn* This is going to drive me nuts. God damn class registration. I just shouldn't even look at the available class times and whatnot until I go register with John next week. I'll just end up giving myself a headache.

I have to figure out how I'm going to get Honors College Composition I and Calculus I at the same time without taking morning classes. We currently only have one car, so morning classes really wouldn't work out too well. :\

Bahhh!!! I'm going to drive myself nuts. I just hope I can get all this registering done before the Linkin Park concert, so I can actually half enjoy myself that night. xD

- Fae

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