i love this hat.
i just did my "we'll always have paris" CASABLANCA bit for the guy washing dishes in saga. the quality of sunlight today is making me extremely fluttery and light and cheerful, but in a sedate, calm, contented sort of way. if that makes any sense.

It's that month again.
I have the strangest relationship to the month of January. I'm terrified of it. No, I'm intrigued by it. It does wierd things to me. No, I do wierd things to myself during it. January changes my thought patterns.
I cast a spell on the 18th of January, 1999, the only spell I've ever cast that actually worked. It's sort of stuck to the month ever since. Maybe. It's sort of expanded from its original intention -- hell, it never acknowledged what I thought WAS its original intention -- and I'm not sure I can continue to blame everything on the spell. It was a "spell to make hidden things visible" (idea ripped off from C.S. Lewis's Narnia books), and the way I was thinking about it beforehand it was supposed to make other things (specifically the real feelings of other people -- I had specific other people in mind) visible to me. Well, that year it sort of worked backwards. I mean, I rather than other became visible. But that's not how it's persisted every January since; it's been, yes, rather a season of revelations of various sorts, but that was the only year I openly announced anything to anyone as a result of January. What's happened virtually every year has been some sort of catalyst, always in the form of something or other becoming visible.
I dread Januarys. Which is funny, as I've never yet regretted one. "Nothing is wasted, nothing is ever wasted." Even when it looks that way. But I'm in a panic right now, because I'm not sure what this January will do to me. Actually, I have some suspicions. Somebody just lock me up somewhere, bound and gagged, until this month is over, okay?

my horoscope is scaring me
"You are about to be more down to Earth and to experience strong
emotions. Your private life is going to change. These changes will
occur in your sex life. You will no longer be inhibited by your
body. You will no longer be embarrassed when you are with your
partner. As a matter of fact, you tend to love your body. A new sex
life can change a person! " -- Astrocenter.com

so i read that and almost screamed because my horoscopes don't usually include the word "will" or sound at all that sure and how the hell and what the hell and they don't really know what they're talking about do they? but in the background there's emer kenny singing
"is there a time
to let go of the fear
and live for the love
you do not yet know
you're life can be free
oh josie
you have so much to give
let it go"
and you know what? i'm scared now.

i'm having an irish fit
it's a result of my genealogy fit and my grandmother's death and my alphabet fit and my endangered languages class this morning. don't mine me. i ran to the library after lunch to look up ogham script and have forbidden myself to check out books or photocopy pages until i have at the very least finished "alphabeta".

"la la la... linoleum!"
happy happy happy (a big wonderful improvement from 11:00 this morning when i was pissed pissed pissed).
winter break was wonderful. home was wonderful. coming back here is wonderful. life's just wonderful. i realized a few days ago that i'm feeling at home everywhere (except at my father's house -- more later), and that's just great. i mean, i used to never feel at home anywhere. it's all turned around.
i am, i am, i am, and i can and i will and i do and i live and i --- am alive.
my first week home i did a lot of good mother-daughter time with my mamala. it's so great to have a mother i can talk too. and we had a stitch-and-bitch where cindy and gianine and kristen were all very reassuring and encouraging about my unconventional answer to the "sex question." and i went up to the hushers' house and spent an afternoon making christmas tree ornaments with chelsea rose, which was a blast. i love chelsea. i love that we can be such great friends despite the 4 year age difference. we're living such completely different lives -- she's just starting high school! how far back that seems! -- but "we cut through what we do, to who we are" (to use the l'engleian phrase).
and then dan came home, and we had that big scary conversation i've sorta been dreading, where i tell him "no, i really don't want to have sex any time soon," and of course it really wasn't scary at all, he was fine with it, there was no big war like i had been dreading. we've been living under ridiculously different assumptions. i've been assuming that, no matter what he says, what he really wants is for me to want whatever he wants. he's been assuming that i know that for all his teasing what he wants most is for me to be happy. once i realized that everything looked very different. i'm sorry beloved, i think i've been underestimating you terribly.
so the "us" has been pretty damn wonderful since then. on a related note (giggle, giggle, giggle), i love discovering that certain people and certain advice they once gave me are completely and totally wrong.
anyway.
the first night i was home i had the wierdest dream. also extremely useful, as it answered a question i had. and on the subject of dreams, i had a kassandra-dream last night, an unpleasant -prophetic one that is. i had hoped i had outgrown that or something. though it wasn't exactly accurate: in the dream she showed up on my doorstep (i don't really have to explain who "she" refers to, do i?), and in real life the phone rang, but the result and the wrongness was almost the same.
anyway.
let's not talk about her anymore, shall we? or think about her either.
christmas was great, real christmas i mean. christmas with dad was pretty rotten in several ways. real christmas, with mom, was mostly the best one we ever had. both boys slept past 8. that's never happened before on christmas morning.
none of mom's relatives called in the middle of the muppet christmas carol. marty and mom did not fight all day christmas day. both boys loved the gifts i got them (jay's watched lilo and stitch three times already). mom knit us all hats, and marty actually likes his (quote of the year: "wow, mom, i didn't know you could knit a ghetto hat!"). mom gave me a book about the history of the alphabet which i am devouring delightedly. the not-good part of christmas day was that we were all feeling somewhat ill and nobody ate much of christmas dinner.
and then there was dad christmas. ayi. he betrayed his usual annoyance at the boys' present-opening enthusiasm. it was really cold and i spent the better part of a day wearing two shirts and my hat, wrapped up in a blanket, shivering, before dad heaved a huge sigh and, in his favorite "i'm such a martyr" tone, said "well, since we're celebrating a holiday, i guess we can turn the heat up to 64." (please note that i had not complained vocally at all, and neither had anyone else, but marty and i were both wearing our hats around the house). dinner was good though, and we ate a lot, the boys and i having been sick for three days and eaten barely anything. but then there was the paying-the-spring-bill conversation, which sort of ruins all possible positives about time spent with my father. mr. $40,000-savings-account-not-to-mention-the-money-that-was-invested-during-the-divorce-supposedly-for-his-childrens'-education feels he shouldn't have to pay a cent of my $4,000 bill, since i should have made all my work study money by now and saved every penny of that and the "upkeep" (formerly known as "child support") money he's sending me, and my mother should have been working full time since jay was one (there's so many employment opportunities for computer programmers in central vermont, you know). but since i've been a wasteful little girl and spent most of what work study money i've made so far on transportation home for vacations and my mother's a very bad person who refuses to work like any decen single mother would, and therefore we just plain don't have the money, he's got to sit down and think about his "comfort level" before he can even consider writing a check. Luckily, he did finally decide he could handle paying half the bill.
Enough ranting about my father and related financial stuff.

poetry & chocolate & how i've now thouroughly screwed up my sleeping patterns
yes, and they're going to stay screwed up. I might need them that way later this week -- say, wednesday night when i finally realize that i do, in fact have to get all my work done, including that 2-months-overdue geology project i've been procrastinating (understatement) about. i think i may take a nap this afternoon to deliberately enforce my pattern of not-sleep.
the night before last, of course, dan was here, and so of course we were awake a number of times through the night, because you know i really wouldn't be at all healthy if i could sleep sound through having a delightful man in my bed, and of course i was already tired because i had slept (i use the term loosley) at his house the night before. so when he left here yesterday morning i was of course so exhausted that i promptly (well, pretty promptly) took a nap. i went to bed at about 11:30 and woke up around 4:30. you do the math.
so then last night one of my hallmates (read: the ever-obnoxious liz) was drunk off her ass and being even LOUDER than usual (if that's possible), and i was talking to wendito on IM about how i was going to kill liz, so to prevent me from homicidal frenzy she offered to feed me chocolate. so then i ended up over in wendy's room eating chocolate and sharing old poetry until 2:30 this morning. and then of course i came back to my room vowing i was going to go straight to bed, but then got involved in looking at some of my more recent work and trying to figure out if i've actually improved since 9th grade (not much), and promised myself i'd go to bed at 3:00. and then at 3:05 i was still going through my current notebook, and extended bedtime to 3:30, so i actually climbed into bed about 3:45. aren't i good at making my own rules and sticking to them? so then i woke up at 8 this morning (huh?) feeling tired but not exhausted, and i think i'll get some work done and then take a nap before class.

"la la la linoleum" -- a little Bert that just appeared in my head for no reason at all.

my horoscope from yesterday:
"Romance is enhanced by intimate and exciting discussions with a
current or potential love partner, CORIANA. This person is possibly
very creative, rather temperamental, and needing constant
reassurance. In any event, you will enjoy the sparkling energy that
surrounds them. Children might also play a strong role in your day,
as at some point you might find yourself caring for them or telling
them stories. Whoever is in your company will enjoy your presence. "
-- courtesy of Astrocenter.com


wow, yay for accurate horoscopes! the first sentence, anyway. (i can't be bothered with capitals today. don't know why). dan just left, but we had a great weekend, and i'll see him in a week or so, so i'm still happy happy happy. i really like waking up in his arms.

procrastination is an art...

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