Chorus is cancelled! Yay!
I just found out that I do not, after all, have to go sing tonight, for which I am supremely grateful. And while I have this nagging feeling that I ought to spend this extra time doing something productive -- geology for example? that Turners Falls project I still don't have finished? The dinosaur footprints? Or maybe some research for the Third World Second Sex paper due in about a week? -- I'm going to write in my journal, because I haven't for quite awhile.
I could also make that phone call I've been thinking about. I don't know. I should; I shouldn't. I need to hear that side of the story. But I'm not sure I can handle more boundless rage without understandable cause. I will sometime, but it might have to be months in the future. I don't know. I think it's something I need to do. But it might be easier in person, though I have no idea how I could manage that. You can't hang up on someone in person. No. If I put it off, it won't get done. I'm going to call Susan. Now.

blasted time change
yes, so i forgot to set my clocks back last night and here i am up an hour early waiting for my dad to get me to take me to brunch at Sara's. and my head hurts and i'm tired and i really could use another hour of sleep. this sucks. anyway i'm going to take the opportunity to get some homework done. i am pissed at myself.

still more quiz results.

* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *
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I think they\'ve got me somewhat wrong. Though the tendancy to sing random songs and strew flowers sounds rather familiar...
It\'s funny, I don\'t feel TRAGIC anymore!


A. YOUR PERFECT MAN IS.................
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so who the hell is he?


a... DO YOU PERSONIFY DARKNESS OR LIGHT?
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Acting IQ Quiz #2: The Technique
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wow I miss Midsummer.

yes, more quiz results

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
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funny, Cindy told me once I was a purple, but this description feels like me.



What Kind of Fruit Are You?
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funny. that's really reassuring, I'm just deeply afraid it's not accurate. I put too much faith in online quizzes.



What Element Are You?
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ayuh. sounds about right.



How Emotional Are You?
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they're right about my lows, but wrong about my highs. This person seems not to know that those that fall hardest also fly highest.



*Are You in Love?*
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no. Really? I never would have guessed that!

Enough stupid quizzes. Now I really am going to bed.

i'm not sure yet.
I'm all dispirited and similar garbage. I don't like that. It's primarily exaustion, maybe. I haven't been sleeping. But it's also the simple fact that I haven't talked to Dan at all today, or yesterday. Which is a pretty sad reason to be dispirited, since I know it's just that our schedules haven't worked out to have time to talk in the past few days, hell, I haven't had time to do anything at all, so I certainly shouldn't be depressed about it. But I want the comfort of contact of some sort right now. That's stupid. I shouldn't need other people; I'm so proud of my self-suffienciency. It doesn't help that it's family and friends weekend so none of my friends here have much time for me. Murial's gone home for the weekend and everyone else's family is here except Erica's, and she's hanging out with her brother's crowd at UMass tonight. So I'm just sitting here feeling overtired and sorry for myself, and despising myself for being so co-dependant. I really should go read a book. But I don't have any here that I want to read right now. I have most of them memorized already. I really should just go to bed. I'm afraid to. I know I still won't be able to sleep. I also know I have to get up early tomorrow morning to go to the dress rehersal for my chorus concert. And I won't be able to eat first, unless I want popcorn or instant soup for breakfast. So considering the way I usually feel when I'm overtired and haven't eated, I'm quite likely to pass out in the middle of my solo. And I'm dreading that. I wonder if there's anything worth bothering with tonight. Probably not. I should go to bed. I should read. I should do something. Something other than sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

yay gender workbook class!
wow I love my class of crazy/queer/colorful/creative people!
I just came back from the "Our Gender Workbook" class where I've spent the past two hours talking, laughing, doing patchwork, questioning, affirming, exploring and otherwise being alive. There's a lot I have to address through this experience, and I think I know what most of it is, but I don't want to post it here because there are certain people who might be offended by it. Not that those people are all that likely to be reading my journal anyway...
But anyway. I love the gender workbook class, and I love the people in it, and it energizes me, and I get to watch my favorite living soap opera, except I didn't watch tonight, I really participated in the class. I'm really thrilled about that.
So, I'm happy, now I need to go figure out what I'm still doing wrong in my river lab.

Helluva Day
It's been a helluva day for a day from hell. I never really slept last night, well, I did, but never for long, I woke up about four times on the edge of a nightmare and lay in the dark trying not to think about that dead little boy with the hollow eyes in the movie in Spanish saying "muchos vais a morir." I was already awake when my alarm clock went off at seven, but I hit the snooze buttong and fell back asleep. Three times. Then I got up and got to work on my river project for the evil geology class. I fought with it till ten thirty, except for a brief interruption called breakfast, and it was only half done when I had to go to 3rd2nd.
In 3rd2nd we watched a movie about famines in Africa, and the entire class fell asleep, except for me. Which is funny since I bet the rest of them got more than 3 hours of sleep last night. And I really felt good leaving that class, but then I went to lunch for five minutes, just long enough to make and steal a sandwich, and then it was back to my room to try and finish the river lab in 25 minutes so I wouldn't be missing another evil geology project.
So of course it still didn't work, but I was writing it up anyway, and I had it almost two thirds of the way done and I was walking to class rehersing in my head how strong I was going to be and say "no, I don't have it done and that's just too bad because I'm not going to because I hate this class and if you make me look at any more stupid rocks today I'll just chuck them at your stupid head" but of course when Steve said "can you get it to me tomorrow?" I burst into tears. And Dhyana and Sara came over and hugged me and that was important, but I couldn't stop crying. And I was crying and exhausted and I had to sit down on the pavement in the parkinglot to keep from falling over. And Steve asked if I could come talk to him later about this and of course I said okay. And then we went to look at dinosaur footprints and I actually enjoyed it. We were back as Tribe Wet & Wild, not on purpose, we just accidentaly ended up working together again and that was good I felt like I was belonging and it was oh such a relief. Thank you Chana, Dhyana, Kim, Rob. It's nice to feel more than just allowed. We named the littlest dinosaur footprints tulip because that's what they looked like.
On the ride back I was listening to the most interesting conversation. Chana was riding shotgun and talking to Owen and they were talking about the modeling industry. One thing we all learned today was that Chana had a modeling career. She was a Sears girl. She did her runway walk when we were comparing our stridelengths to dinosaurs. But anyway I guess Owen's done some modeling too, for an artist friend, and they were talking about their experiences and Chana was saying some very interesting things about idealized female body types. And this is what caught my ear and of course my mind and of course it's relevant and works out in practice it's funny. There are two, she said, conflicting images of the ideal female body, and both are prevalent in our culture. Dichotomy. The one type, the "public ideal," the type she is and the type I am: the thin one, slender-framed, fragile, the slim delicate model, small-breasted narrow hipped possibly anorexic type. And the other type, the less-recognized but equally prevalent one, the voluptuous one, the playboy bunny, wide hipped and large breasted, the fertility goddess that has been de-publicized in recent millenia, but still prevales, really, as the subconcious sex symbol. There is much less sensuality and less sexuality associated with the fashion model type, she is to be seen, but not so much to be touched. The fertility goddess is to be touched but not to be seen. So, Chana said, there's the girl you take home to meet mother -- the fashion model -- and the one you don't -- the fertility goddess. And isn't it odd? Chana was saying she thinks all types of beauty need to be recognized, including the beauty that is recognized but not publicized, but, she said "if you're naturally thin, that should be okay too." Chana rocks. So anyway that was the evesdropping project for today.
So after we got back I went to talk to Steve and I guess it's okay now, I still don't have the last two projects done and I still am not sure how to get them done, but I can at least email Steve with my conversion questions and finish the river lab, and set up a time with someone or other to teach my how to use goddamned excel spreadsheets. So I'll be okay, I think, I will catch up, I won't have to drop the class in disgrace or shoot myself or anyone else, which is good, and we're going to finally get off the subject of rocks next week.
and now I think I need to take a nap before dinner and gender class.

why I'm not sleeping like I said I would
(the Is need to be capital right now. It's necessary.)

I'm not sleeping. The horror movie from Spanish class finally propelled me out of bed and turned the lights on, it's true, but what kept me awake when I'm oh so tired was a line from Shakespeare and a song I used to sing.

"The clock upbraids me with a waste of time." Time. Can't get rid of it, can I? No. Life don't come with an undo button. Those who know what I'm talking about have probably figured it out by now. Those that haven't, don't bother. You won't.

There was a song I sang for awhile, awhile back. I won't say how far back. Some of you may remember. Groovelily song. Everything's a Groovelily song. "Little Light," that was the first one. The first one I really learned to sing.

"I always thought I'd set the world on fire.
With my dreams as kindling, the match was my desire.
Now the rain won't stop, it's all too wet to burn,
And as I try to light this sodden wood I learn:
This was never in the blueprint,
This was never part of my plan,
I've been struggling here forever while everyone's running past me to the dry land!
I see all the other torches
Lighting up the night,
And I am right here with my matches burning bright!
But no one needs my little light,
No one needs my little light,
No one needs my little light,
No one needs my little light..."

I have my own holidays. Most of them have no connection to anyone else. I have a Day of Sorrow, a Day of Rejoicing, my principle holiday, Catalyst Day, and a few others I haven't quite decided on yet. I think a "Little Light Day" is in order.

"With my coat turned up, my back against the rain
I will cup my hands, to shield this fragile flame
There's a bonfire blazing just around the bend,
And it would be so easy to toss my match right in.
All my friends are there together,
Warmth, safety and a soup can,
I've been struggling here forever while everyone's running past me to the dry land!
I see all the other torches
Lighting up the night
I am right here with my matches burning bright!
But no one needs my little light,
No one needs my little light,
No one needs my little light,
No one needs my little light!"

I walk slowly. "Walk down that lonesome road, all by yourself..." but that's a different song, though sort of connected. "...If I had stopped to listen once or twice/If I had closed my mouth and openned my eyes... I'd not be on this road tonight" I huddle over my small match flames and everyone runs past. Why do I do what I do? And why am I obsessed with road metaphores? "This was never in the blueprint..." "I'd not be on this road tonight..." It's really very funny how I obsess over wouldabeens, couldabeens. It's really very funny, but I'm not laughing. It's funnier still when I do a little more counting, as I am apt to do, and correlate all sorts of... transformative conversations...The end of the song offers hope, which is nice.

"I'll be shining like a beacon when other embers are dying.
I'll be flying like an eagle, burning up the skyline, or die trying!
It's a lonely mission, and a solitary fight,
But I will stay here with my matches burning bright!
And if no one needs my little light,
If no one needs my little light,
It's there for me, my little light,
Never leave, my little light."

And that, ladies and gentlebeasts, is all I'm not saying right now.

still more time wasted...
I love the spark. It\'s such a great way to avoid doing my river flooding project. And I learn genuinely useful stuff from it. I mean, I just learned that I\'m 38% insane. what could possibly be more educational than that?

src="http://test3.thespark.com/sa/slut12.gif"
border="0">


(SO THERE!)
I\'ve started taking this test obsessively to prove to myself that my slut percentage remains at 12, where it\'s always been, and I cannot justly be accused of becoming more of a slut in the past year. Is that unhealthy?

src="http://test3.thespark.com/ba/bitch20.gif"
border="0">
(SO THERE!)
this one too.

I\'ve gone down to 77% Pure. That\'s slightly distressing. I am purer than only 86% of test takers. That\'s really disturbing.

snow, and how i am now officially hooked on this online journal thing
It snowed last night. I guess that means it's finally winter enough that i can't rightfully resent people who complain about the cold. But it still isn't that cold. Thought cold enough, it seems, for snow to stick.
It's a lovely white-dusted world. All the trees have big green circles under them, except the maples, which have big yellow circles of the leaves that have already fallen.
I played in the leaves yesterday. Laura and I were waiting for the tutoring van, and there was this tree that was just too tempting. so we went and made a leaf pile, but it was too little to jump in, so we took turns burying each other in pretty yellow leaves and becoming "one with the earth."

I was planning on getting up early this morning, taking a shower, and then working on my river project thingummy for two hours before going to class. However, what I've actually done is to wake up semi-early, laze in bed for half an hour, eat a leisurely breakfast for another forty-five minutes, and then write in this thing, so I now have less than one hour before class, and still need my shower. So I'm going to go do that now.

dancing school...
I was going to go to sleep ten minutes ago. But then the Sissy Louise Dancing School openned outside my door, and i had to go see what was going on. I love dorm life.
The crazy thing is, I mean that. I love being kept awake at night by Jessica and Erica reciting "chasse a hasamble, chasse tour je tet" (no, i do not know what that means, nor can i spell in french, so you'll just have to guess) as they leap down the hall. I love the way we all come out to our doors and watch them and try to learn it too. I love the camraderie, I love belonging, I love life in the K3 Nunnery. So now dancing school's over and I'm going to bed, tireder (yes, I know it's not a word), but happier.
Goodnight.

huh!
well, i just sort of created this thing by accident, so...
i'm actually going to try not to write much in it, but i'm afraid i'm fighting a losing battle. the urge to spew all my thoughts and feelings out to a faceless world is just too strong...
so keep in touch, i'll probably keep you -- and myself -- amused.