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:: 2005 11 April :: 9.07pm

School tomorrow. That sucks ass.

I fucked up.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

I have lessons tomorrow.

I have a AP Chem test tomorrow.

I'm voluntering at WGVU's auction Wednesday evening. My mom was one of the people that put the auction together. Jessie's probably comming too. Anyone one else interested? Let me know by tomorrow.

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. ~William Feather

7 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 7 April :: 3.32pm

I'm listening to "Jesus Christ Superstar"....on record.

It's so old school. Yeaaah maann. *takes drag from joint*

They use a lot of bass in the pit. I guess that's what you get with a rock musical, huh?

Work was excruciating slow today. I don't have to work again until Saturday.

Well I suppose I should do some homework or something....hmm...how about..no.

-michelle-

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 7 April :: 7.56am

I just woke up about ten minutes ago. Blah. I have to work at 10:00am until 2:30. Last night I had to work until 10:30. It wasn't too bad. I'm glad it didn't rain last night. I had to clear the lot of carts. Blah. I hate carts.

Tomorrow Rueben and I are going to the mall. Yay! I like walking around and looking at things, just being around people. I mean, usually I hate people, but hey, if they don't open their stupid mouths, then I probably won't have too much of a problem.

Spring break is halfway over with. It's really going to suck going back to school. These past few days have felt like summer vacation, and I even caught myself imagining them as such a few times. But, alas, I must return to school come Tuesday.

I went and saw Stacy before my Tuesday lessons. She said I had a job back there as soon as school gets out! It's not the best job in the world, but it's better than Meijer.

I don't believe I'm going to quit Meijer, though, although having two jobs was quite conflicting last summer.

Oh well.

-michelle-

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 28 March :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: sad

I desperately want to talk to you. Where are you?

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 24 March :: 1.51pm

So I gave blood today. My arm still hurts a bit, but all is good.

The antiseptic tickled. haha.

It's getting warmer out. It's actually warm in here (school) for once. Huh. Interesting.

I guess Mr. Pilar sent Mr. Andrus an email saying that a student told him he was putting paper towel over the thermostat. Mr. Andrus is not heating his room anymore.

Band is going okay. The next big thing is fine arts night.

You know, it doesn't even seem worth it. No one knows. No one cares.... I just do it and then it's gone.

Well, whatever.

No school tomorrow.

Work 3:30 - 7:30.

Blah. I haven't worked in like two weeks.

Get to see Rueben tonight. That will be extraordinarily wonderful. I don't know why. It just will be.

michelle

12 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 20 March :: 9.06am

I'm glad it's all done with. The musical, solo ensemble.....it's all done!

It's sad, yes, but now I can have some of my OWN time. That's nice.

Well, solo ensemble went pretty well yesterday. I got a 90 (out of 100) on my solo, so that was a one. My judge was really nice. I can't wait to see what she wrote on my form. Our quartet judge was really really mean. I almost started crying when I left the room. It was horrible. She didn't say one nice thing (without being sarcastic). She was really rude, and I don't think calling one of the most beautiful flute quartet arrangements in the world "not substantial enough" and "too easy" is just horrible. I don't see why people can't look past difficultly and horrible runs and high notes and see the beauty in a piece of music. If they can't do that, they shouldn't be a professional musician, and certainly NOT teach it.

Needless to say the quartet got a two.

Rueben and I went out to the corner bar for dinner. Haha, deep fried dill pickles, yum!

I love that boy. He means the world to me.

The musical went okay last night. I'm pretty glad I didn't stick around for the cast party. I've already shed enough tears and have been upset enough this month.

(Toccata just came on my musicmatch media player, haha, i love that song!)

I went over to Rueben's house after the musical. It was really nice to spend some time with him. It's been quite hectic this past week, culminating in yesterday. It's just nice to lay in someones arms and not have to worry about anything.

See everyone Monday!

michelle

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 2 March :: 7.59pm
:: Mood: intimidated

These next few weeks are going to be LONG.

So many things to do, so much jam packed time.

THIS WEEK:

I'm staying after school for a while tomorrow with Erin. We're going to see if we can work out our song for the talent show.

Friday I have to work 3:30-8pm

Saturday I'm going to start my English paper (yes, THIS time..).

Then I have to work from 2:30-6:30pm.

No work Sunday! Woohu!

NEXT WEEK:

Monday starts pit rehearsals everyday afterschool.

Lessons Tuesday, of course.

Friday is Band Festival at Greenville.

Saturday morning is flute choir.

WEEK AFTER:

I have Pit rehearsal Monday afterschool, and then school board meeting to attend and a paper to write for that.

Tuesday and Wednesday are dress rehearsal.

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are the SHOW.

Saturday is STATE SOLO AND ENSEMBLE.

I also have my English Paper to write, a script to write for drama, a report to do on the school board meeting I go to, AP chem calculations, random assignments to finish for "Pride and Prejudice", practice with Linda for state, practice with the quartet and Dani for state, 7 melodic minor scales to memorize, pit music to perfect, and whatever else happens to be necessary...oh, say eating, breathing, bathing, and sleeping, perhaps.

michelle

7 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 25 February :: 11.47am

So our band concert went okay last night. Robuck thought it was crap, the only thing i was thinking was something along the lines of getting sick on stage...i swear i had a fever, and i just didn't feel good at all.

Eh, anyway, time for lunch..no meat today, it's friday.

that's bomb.

except..
not.

michelle

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 21 February :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: listless

I'm sitting in my dark little corner listening to acoustic emo music lisa gave me.

I think it would be emo music.
It doesn't really matter - i like it.

"you can't fake it hard enough to please anyone at all"

School tomorrow. I didn't do my homework. Why should I care? Sometimes I wish I didn't. Just stay in bed all day and not think about anything. Isolated.

Even when I'm around a thousand people, it feels like that anyway.

I hate crying.
I hate expectations.
I hate anger.
I hate hate.

I never thought something this simple would be so hard to do.

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 16 February :: 7.16pm

The best quotes from my journal and comments
"Only the shallowness and unwillinglyness of humanity to change will be it's ugliness and sole downfall. Don't let it happen to you."

--March 19, 2004
michelle campbell

"...you do have to remember that people alway think about what others will think about what they do"

"...that's a big reason why depression is on the rise; because of people who are too superficial and need to look better than that of everyone else, so they fabricate this lie of who they are, instead of who they want to be"

--March 20, 2004
bill korb

"... if it was easy, that means it didn't mean enough to you, and that it wasn't real"

--January 29, 2004
anne howland

"...People who don't know when to shut the fuck up piss me off, too. I'd really like to knock them unconscious so I don't have to hear their stupid voices anymore"

--January 23, 2004
justine gunneson

"Everyone does things they don't want to do, it's how the goddamn world works"

--December 24, 2003
mitch armstrong

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 29 January :: 4.06pm

The performances are over, and here are the results:

Piccolo Duet ........ I
Flute Solo
(unaccompanied)..I
Flute Quartet........I

We got a standing ovation from the judge after our quartet, it was so cool. She loved it, and it was the best we have ever played it. I'm going to State for my solo, obviously, and I'm sure that we are also doing our duet and quartet at State. I hope they all get one's there, too. That would make me very happy.

Now that that is all done, I'm very happy, but tired. I cleaned the house when I got home, and now i'm trying to get my work schedule for next week.
Well, good bye :)
michelle

5 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 27 January :: 7.39pm

Rueben,

Call me tomorrow after four if you can. I miss you. :(

I really do.

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 27 January :: 7.32pm

There are so many things I want to say.....i just don't have the energy, ya know?

Sometimes I don't feel like defending myself, I just want to tell it like it is and just have people be okay with it. No explaination necessary.

Things are never going to be like that. We have to keep fighting until the end, for the things we want, the things we believe are right, the things that make us happy. Moments of peace are few and far between these days.

And solo and ensemble is two days away.

-michelle-

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 26 January :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Variations on a Korean Folk Song

Solo and ensemble in a couple of days. Blah. I just practiced for an hour. Got some things on the duet worked out, my solo, I cannot find anything else to work on for it. It just IS. My whole score is going to depend on whether I can find that THING or not. I hope I will.

We had pit practice today. That was terrible exciting, except, not really. And Jess, don't worry, you were doing great today. No one knows what they are doing, so don't worry about it, just have fun.

Saxophone solos would be the bomb, if I could play them. I think I'm going to start practicing Sax starting monday, because I don't want to practice too much before solo and ensemble. There's about two months before the musical, and I'll have it good and learned by then.

I am so multi instrumental.

I think it would help if I knew what I was doing.

After talking with Michael Monday at work, I just feel, happy. He just is that kind of person that can just make so many things better just by talking your ears off and not letting you get a word in. He's a great guy, but I like my Rueben better.

History is a bit better, educational wise, yet, I almost miss the way it use to be, just because I didn't have to do ANYTHING, and I could do all my homework.

Teacher assisting for general chem is a hoot. They did a lab today and I got to help them and mix chemicals. 12 molar HCl is not some stuff you want to get on you (it has a tendency to burn holes in your skin within a few minutes of exposure). I got to dilute that today. The fumes are nasty. Ah well, finished my AP chem lab. Our class is a lot of fun because it's so small, not to say we don't miss those who use to be there, but everything is a lot more on track now.

Tomorrow Mrs. Spinella is helping me with my solo after school. Hopefully she'll approve, and I'll be set. Friday I'm practicing after school with Dani for our piccolo duet. That has gotten laid by the wayside in recent weeks, just because the quartet and both our solos are more important, and we've agreed on that. It's just a throw away, something to warm up with, really, to get use to the judging. I bet it'll go to state.

-michelle-

4 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 24 January :: 3.23pm

This is going to be a very looong week. I work tonight until ten thirty, or until the lot is clean, but i don't think they can keep me much past that because i'm a minor. Tomorrow I have lessons after school in Howard City. Wednesday I have a debate meeting and pit practice. Thursday, all work for my solo and ensemble things. We're playing them for the class Thursday. Friday debate, and maybe something else. And, in the culmination, I get to wake up at five thirty Saturday morning to go to Mona Shores for district solo and ensemble. My first performance (piccolo duet) is at 8:08 am. My solo is around 9:30, and our quartet is at 11:27am. Then I'm done. Done Done Done Done Done.

I really can't wait.
Well, then I'll probably have state solo and ensemble, which, of course, is the day after the last day of the show, which i have pit rehearsal EVERY DAY for the two weeks before. Where is all the time?

Oh, and flute choir is comming up.

Oh my.

Well, no one can say that I'm not well rounded in my extra curricular activities and work experiences.
I actually miss those days when I came home from school and watched tv and was bored. I always wished I had some activity to do, something that was fun.

I think I bit over did myself, don't you?

Ah, well, going to go eat something and straighten my hair. And watch tv, and relax, and chill, and whatever.....just not think about going to work and how cold and horrible it's going to be clearing the lot by myself.

ughh.

-michelle-

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 19 January :: 7.00am

Well another snow day....when am I ever going to get my AP chem exam done?

Well, this morning was nice. I woke rueben up a little bit ago because he spent the night, with all the to do over his dad and all, and Zach came and got him a few minutes ago to carpool to GRCC.

It's really wonderful seening the person you love first thing in the morning, even if we don't exactly looking our chipperest.

Now I'm listening to flute music and freezing my ass off in this corner.

I hope this does something for Manwel (okay, i really don't know how to spell it, but that's how you say it).

And Ema. I bet he did a lot of this for her. She's the cutest baby I've ever seen.

-michelle-

3 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 18 January :: 7.37am
:: Mood: calm

So we have a two hour delay for some unknown reason.

This means I'll have a lot less time to complete my AP chem exam, that's only half finished (after 2 days of working on it).

This means that I got an extra hour of sleep, I'll be awake when I get to school, and I get to catch up on Good Morning American.

Gotta love those 66 year old women who give birth and those college presidents who say women don't have the aptitude to be at the top of the science and mathmatical fields.
I think he was from Harvard, but how should I know? According to him, I probably don't have the aptitidue to listen to the tv.

Ah, well, have to go and straighten my hair into oblivion. I swear someday all my hair is just going to fall out because I do so much crap to it. Oh well, then I can just give more away to locks of love.

-michelle-

p.s. First day without modern business!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like a new person.

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 14 January :: 12.02pm

It's all so close. No. Yes. No.

Such little things can hold you back, if you let them. Circumstances.

It's been so cold today.
I wish it would go away.

Exams are the worst things ever invented by mankind.

Especially AP Chemistry exams.

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 11 January :: 12.18pm

I swear I wanted to die last night. I have hardly ever been so.....fucked up?

Today is a long day. I woke up at 4:30am to memorize my drama thing, and go in early for a history test. After school is a band trip meeting, and then I have to drive to Howard City to give lessons. Finally I should be home around 6pm. I want to sleep then.

I'm having a bit better day today, but still tired.

michelle

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 7 January :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: anxious

So I just gave a huge part of myself to a group that I barely even trust. I guess you just have to do some things. I guess I just had to say some things. I took the step, as scared shitless as I was about it, but I had to. That's the only way I knew how to trust them. We'll see what happens. We'll see...

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 5 January :: 9.12pm

So much is going on, but still it feels like nothing. Nothing is striking that chord, you know, the one where you're like "this is great, I'll always remember that".

If you don't remember things, then how do you know you really had a past?

You write them down? What if you don't remember writing them? Then, does that mean you never wrote them?

If I am part of everything I have met, yet I don't remember everything I have met, then isn't that like forgetting who I am?

If you are left with no past, no memories, just impulses and thinking, then, are you really a person? Would you do the same thing as you would if you knew of a past?

I need to go to bed before I drive myself crazy.

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2005 1 January :: 8.07pm

Sometimes you can't always have what you want.

Sometimes people are going to hate you, and you don't understand quite why.

Sometimes people do things you don't agree with.

Sometimes you can't help what you do.

It's all because we are so much more complex than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes you just have to live with it and get over it. Sometimes you have to stand up and say something. Either way, we are all gone to die in the end. I know this sounds morbid; but who is going to care in another 100 years anyway?

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 26 December :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: "Vesuvius" by Frank Ticheli

Everything
It just doesn't seeem all that much like Christmas anymore. I think you need children to make Christmas magical. Other than that, people can just bring you down by being asses.

I've been working a lot lately. I have about 23 hours this week. That's a good $100 in my pocket. I really want to get transferred to another department, or find another job. I like my job to a certain point, and I know how to do it, I think it's just because I'm lazy, or I actually like to be home at night and get my homework done.

I got lots of good Christmas presents; a few books, good smelling things (lotion, candles, perfume..), make up, a tuner/metronome for my flute, food...all that kind of stuff.

We had my Aunt, cousins, and grandparents over yesterday. My cousin was hitting on rueben, it was so cute. He didn't it until I told him, too. He's quite oblivious to things like that I guess. I wasn't mad or anything, I thought it was quite hilarious. She's 12.

Jessie came and spent the night wednesday after my performance with Mrs. Spinella at Dollarville and my Dentist Appointment. All went well.

Solo ensemble is comming up soon. I really hate it. I hate solo ensemble, I really really do. But it's something I have to do for myself. One of those things that you need to do now in order to benefit from in the future. I just have a hard time taking criticism.

I have to work tomorrow and Rueben is comming over tonight again after he gets out of work. I swear I don't know what I would do without that boy. He keeps me sane.

School in a week. Don't want to go back, but I'll have to. It's just the way things are. I've been having dreams about institutionalizations lately. Just the general catagory, with specific examples. All very scary. I think I'm scared of being lost in the crowd...but I still feel safe in it.

Ah well, time will still pass no matter what any of us do.

michelle

2 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 18 December :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: contemplative

What I learned today
Today was one of the worst days that I have had at work. It sucked driving home in the snow, I my stomach hurts and my legs are tired.

Today was one of the best days of my life, and this is why:

A few days ago I brought my santa hat into the band room so that I could wear it to pep band last night. I've had it for a few years and there are some memories with it (probably some that I would like to forget, but none the less are still there). Yesterday when I got to school, it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I was upset, how could someone steal a santa hat? They're so easy to get, you can get them practically anywhere. I mean, probably even the gas station.

Today when I got to work, all the cashiers had on antler head bands or santa hats, or some such thing. I quietly thought to myself, "I don't have a santa hat to wear, because SOMEONE STOLE MINE!"

When I went up to the podium (at work where they give us our assignments to do for the day) Dawn, the SC (service coordinator, person who tells me what to do) was talking about how some of the cashiers thought it was stupid to where the hats and antlers. I piped up, "Oh, I think they're cute, I would wear one, but i'm not a cashier". Well, Dawn told me I could wear one anyway, and I picked one out, a Santa Hat, not well made, but it would do.
I wore it for a while, and when I went back up to the podium Dawn told me that I could keep the hat. One of the cashiers had bought about 40 hats and antlers for everyone to wear, and was going to let them keep them.

I had a Santa Hat once again, but that's not necessarily what made me happy, or made me write this incredibly detailed (probably boring) entry. I realized this:

No matter what form it comes in, you will always be returned what is yours, from a smile you give to a stranger, money you give to a charity, or from a Santa Hat. Mine just happened to come the next day.

I now have a new Santa Hat, maybe not quite as good as my other, but it will do, and it came with a valueable lesson. I do find it quite ironic, though, that fate chose to show me this using a Santa Hat, a symbol of the most giving and cheerful time of the year.

2 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 8 December :: 3.53pm
:: Mood: creative

I've had Floris stuck in my head all day long. It's such a sweet melody.

When I grow up I want to live in a house overlooking the water and write music. All kinds of music. Beautiful music.

That would be heaven.

3 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 5 December :: 12.13am

Everyone needs to cry once in a while.

I told him the truth tonight. By the look on his face, I knew it was the right thing to say after debating it all night. I'm happy he knows what he means to me and how much of a difference he has made, to me, and to everyone. I think he knew, but he wasn't quite certain. He told me it meant a lot to him that I told him that. It meant a lot to me, too, to be able to tell him that.

The cast party was a very sad event. Everyone was crying.
We will never forget this. We could never forget this. I never realized how much this had meant to me until tonight. I'm so happy that I was a part of it all. I'm so happy that I was wanted.

michelle

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 4 December :: 10.58am
:: Mood: cold

Happy Birthday to me. I'm seventeen now.

I don't feel much different. Well, maybe a little gray, from all the stage make up that has been applied to my face in the last two days.

If you haven't seen SCROOGE yet, you should go tonight. Last time to see it, folks. It's really a wonderful play, ask anyone that's gone.

Tickets are $7 at the door. Show starts at 7pm. Get there early, word is that tonight is going to sell out.

I'm celebrating my birthday tomorrow, because I have the play tonight, so really, it doesn't seem like my birthday.

I have one more year until I'm 18. That seems really old to me.

Time to leave the past behind, and look for what is in store in the future. My day has been going very good already. My mom bought me a dozen roses. They're beautiful. Tonight after the play Jessie and I are going to get shakes at arby's. Then I have the cast party.

It's been a long week, but the best is finally here, and being with everyone is what has helped me through it.

michelle

1 orgiastical | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 30 November :: 12.10pm

I am such a selfish bitch.

5 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 29 November :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: depressed

At play practice I was very hyper. Now I've crashed into oblivion.

Good night.

don't question bruce dickenson

:: 2004 24 November :: 5.08pm

It's snowing outside.

It was a very eventful drive home this afternoon from play practice. I rear ended a guy at 17 mile road and white creek at the stop light, because, well, my car wouldn't stop. Everything is fine now, though. He just looked at his car, nothing happened because i hit him going like 10 miles an hour, and he drove off, and i drove home going 25 miles an hour.

What a wonderful day.

don't question bruce dickenson

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