::
2024 24 January :: 12.18am
:: Mood: Sick to my stomach
I can't do this anymore. I can't be such an afterthought. I can't mean so little to the person who I should mean the most to. I don't understand your continued mistreatment amd disregard for me. I can't continue to justify this with your past trauma. You've had so many chances to correct it. A second trip to Japan where I'm not included after the damage it did last time; you continue to make choices that don't reflect any love for me. I'm heartbroken and you can't take it back. And I can't ignore it anymore. And as much as you have tried to make me believe otherwise over the years, I know, deep inside my soul that I deserve better than this.
I just don't know why I should keep on forgiving this stuff when the most minimal amount of foresight would have prevented it from happening.
You are literally killing me. I have heart pains from this. This is completely unsustainable. It's impossible being in this, with you. It doesn't matter if I enjoy your company when things are good or if I love you deeply, it is causing my limited time on this earth to be all the more limited due to the incredible stress you put me through every other day.
::
2021 29 April :: 11.03pm
:: Music: Tauk - Sir Nebula
Jet Lag
I used to have arguments with my uncle about language. I insisted that there were grammatical structures and rules in place in order to keep the meaning of language consistent. If we are to communicate and exchange ideas, it is critical to have the same words and sounds mean the same thing to both parties, in order to successfully transmit all information in the idea accurately. I thought that the rules helped to keep those meanings from shifting.
His primary contention was that language was alive, constantly evolving and changing in meaning. Different languages cherry pick words and phrases from other languages, sometimes at random, sometimes by conquest. New words are constantly being born, while old words slowly die off and are forgotten. I think he viewed slang as some kind of nursery for future linquistic possibilities.
I have to admit, he may be right.
After all, they condensed an extremely specific phenomenon - in which one traverses the surface of the planet at such an incredible rate, that their biological rhythms have difficulty adapting to the dramatic change in diurnal cycle - into just two syllables.
::
2021 1 April :: 10.30pm
:: Music: The Great Outdoors (1988)
life goes on, man.
finished a painting gig today. gonna try to hold off on any more work until after the trip to phoenix. aside from the laundry list of chores amassed for me by past chris. occasionally he surprises me, but usually he just kicks the cans down the road for future chris to deal with. hopefully some dedicated time will help future chris in his efforts.
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the spirit of god is alive wherever people are helping others, and growing in understanding. in places where people are wrongly harming others, the spirit is dead. even if that place is a church. or a school. or a home.
this may sound like a bummer, but it is actually very encouraging to witness the spirit thriving in many diverse and unlikely places. don't let the trimmings fool you. look at the people. see who's helping. join them. doesn't really matter where.
