I deactivated Facebook and Messenger again. Whenever I used Facebook, I constantly compared myself to others - the stages they were in in their lives. I think it contributed to my depression. I wanted to be married and having children and buying a home and starting a career like everyone else was. Social media clearly negatively impacts many individuals and I don't want to be party to that anymore.
I got that job. I have a week of freedom left and I'll be working in Liberty Lake. It's a long commute but oh well. I don't know how I'll like it. I'm not too optimistic but at least it's something. This will help me save up a little as I don't plan on moving out anytime soon if I can help it.
Things are just meh. I enjoy my time I spend with him and apart from that I just kind of float. I hope I have a good time at that wedding tomorrow night.
A few weeks ago James took me to Disneyland and Universal Studios. I got picked for the wand ceremony at Harry Potter World. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful trip. Everything about it was perfect.
I'm back now. I went to Kirkland then came home again. Now I'm bored. I've been looking for a job for ages. Nothing really suits me here. All that vacation wonder is gone and all I want is to get out... Get out of regular, boring life... Do something exciting. I have an interview in 2 weeks. What the hell do I do with my time? I'm tired of going through boxes.
It took some digging through sensationalist headlines to get straight to the source, but I'm glad I did. This is a very well-written account, explicit in its intent, which is not malicious. Some parts of this hit closer to home for me than others, but all of it is far too common a story. We could all stand to be better to each other, and to ourselves. How often we are held captive by our fears.
I have to stop expending my energy on people who don't deserve it.
It's been two years since that interaction occurred. I just learned about it and not from you. It was pure coincidence that I learned about it. You have never told me about it. You expressly hid it because you knew how I would "react." I've put so much into you. I've loved you like a sister. But you're damaged as fuck, looking for sexual attention from anyone you can and it ends up being a betrayal of everything we've had... everything we've shared. And never telling me about it? And me helping you so much directly after that? Years after that? Because I never knew about it. Because I thought you were a real friend. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucked up life and your fucked up family. I don't care anymore. Don't expect a fucking explanation. Piss off.
And you? Everything you have ever said to me was an insult. No one likes you for good damn reasons. You fuck everyone you've ever known. I've tried so hard to be understanding of your situation. I've tried so hard to be there for her and for you and also to be there for you emotionally, as a crutch but you never take responsibility for any of your bullshit. You just continue to fuck up and I deal with it. You never take responsibility for the problems you cause - the things you say or do - and it's not my damn job to forgive all of the mistakes you keep making. I'm your enabler. No fucking more.
Why do I keep becoming attached to little puppy dogs who need my help? Why do I feel like I can save them or change them to help them help themselves? Why do people who I put so much into continue to let me down and abuse my love? Why do people I love keep on taking advantage of me?
I'm not fucking with this anymore. I have enough good friends to not need bad ones.
After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.
I always feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with. I'm always wearing a mask. I can't be myself ever. One thing or another comes up that makes it clear that I was never really welcome at all.
And almost everyone I open myself up to, at some point, stops caring.