Emology

Emology

:: 2012 5 September :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I finished all my homework for the week. These first two classes are pretty simple, though it is just the first week. I'm feeling confident that I'll be more successful here than at SCC.

Emily says she's visiting in a month or so. We kinda ended on a sour note, but whatever. I think she was just so excited to get the fuck out of dodge. I just hate feeling like I'm not important to her. And anymore, we don't have anything in common, and we're both so busy.

My Rika is SO fucking cute. She's now about 4 and a half months, and she's still INSANELY tiny. Two pounds max. And she loves getting kisses, and cuddling, and sitting in your lap and giving you kisses and she growls so adorably. She's just the biggest bucket of cute ever.

It's my weekend. Today is designated "game day" so lots of Alan Wake and D&D, and then maybe some Being Human later.

Hopefully this weekend makes me feel better than the last one.

godessalthena

:: 2012 29 August :: 1.50am

You know they write songs about girls like you..

This could be the end of everything..

Shining when I'm alone..

godessalthena

:: 2012 25 August :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: Apprehensive

So I stopped working out after my birthday, not sure why other than lazy and got out of the habit. I lost 16lbs, gained 5lbs back. Samie and I are starting workouts again today.

I have to lose somewhere between 75 and 90 pounds total to be at a healthy weight. I know in the past I have become discouraged looking at that number, at the big picture. This time around I'm going to focus on the little wins. My goal is 1-2 pounds a week, which I think is reasonable. I'm going to take pictures of myself every 10lbs so I can have them for myself when I reach my final goal.

I'd be super pumped and say that I'm going to do this and succeed, but I think we all know that's just stupid. I really want to succeed this time..

I start school on the 3rd of September, but I'm worried about it. My academic counselor is a flakey mcflakerson so I don't even know what classes I'm taking. I should have my AA in 9 months, hopefully by then I'll have a new position in the company. I think this is finally the turning point in my life where I start doing things to improve myself, rather than skate by.

Here's to my success. Good luck, me.

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godessalthena

:: 2012 23 August :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: angry

Dear Mark,
I wasn't sure what to think of you when we started training. Then we started sitting next to each other on the floor and I immediately connected with you. I wanted so badly to be your friend and be a part of your life. So I did everything in my power to become close friends with you.

To be completely honest, I was in love with you for a part of that. I don't know why, because you were always a selfish, fair weather asshole.

I have no idea what I saw in you. All those late nights being head over heels for you. And then you left the team and I saw you once after that. Because you didn't give two shots about me. I was a joke. You even let your friends drunk dial me and make fun of me. You're such a waste of my time and feelings. I had devoted so much of my time trying to get any bit of reciprocation out of you in any way and it was all for nothing.

I'm just so done with you. All I am to you is a number in your phone.

Well fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I don't ever want to hear from you again. You're dead to me. Like you should have been when you tried to finger my room mate while I was sitting RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO YOU.

I hate you Mark Alice.

Sincerely,
ameber

godessalthena

:: 2012 18 August :: 2.06pm

I really don't understand you..

I had a TON of fun playing D&D last night! Tho I'm super tired this morning.
Now to go to work n be lonely. :(

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godessalthena

:: 2012 15 August :: 1.58pm

It's always so strange finding people you once loved and seeing how completely insane they've become.

I'm starting to feel like there really isn't any hope for this batch, we need to scratch it and start over again.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I find my body beautiful. And it's hard to want to make a change to it. What's more is I don't want to change because I don't want to become just another bimbo in the main stream.

I hate this culture sometimes.

godessalthena

:: 2012 9 August :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Jenna Marbles

Headed out soon to Samie's, picking up the gang and then out to the Steelhead and then to PJ's :3 I love drinking with Samie haha it's always a fucking blast!

Prefunking at home, Sus is a good DD :3 and cornstarch is a lifesaver haha

I'm so excited!!

godessalthena

:: 2012 5 August :: 3.02pm

Tuesday makes 4 years. We're going to Silverwood and in general being silly. I just hope it turns out to be epic!

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godessalthena

:: 2012 4 August :: 8.35pm

I am so fucking sick of myself.

I just want to restart all this bullshit.

Actually I just want to never had done any of this stupid shit and do something better.

Fuck I suck.

godessalthena

:: 2012 2 August :: 10.58pm

It's a little depressing that I would have the higher self-esteem...

I don't know what happened, but something just isn't right.
I wish I knew what questions to ask, I wish she would just open up to me.

She's not perfect, but no one is. I love her, she's extremely close to my heart and I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is.. Rather than just saying it to put on a brave face.

I want so badly to help her. :(

godessalthena

:: 2012 30 July :: 12.11am

I'm not really feeling depressed or stressed out. But I've been having the urge to get wicked drunk every night.

godessalthena

:: 2012 29 July :: 2.32am

It's amazing what 60mg of a chemical can do.

Though I'm pretty pissed off about how my insurance is billing Rx's now. It's fucking bullshit.

Oh well. It's not that horrible. At least I'm not having those stupid seizures anymore.

godessalthena

:: 2012 27 July :: 7.36pm

today started decently enough.. and it had so much promise.

now if i wasn't such a FUCKING CUNT and i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID maybe today wouldn't have turned out to be such a shitstorm.

and now i'm having tho stupid seizures, my hip hurts like a motherfucker, i've cancelled all my plans and i don't have enough alcohol to erase today from my memory.

honestly i know why all this happened. and i know it's all just chemicals being fucktarded in my brain. but it doesn't make everything easier to deal with.

its easy to feel sorry for myself.
and "it's not my fault" all this.

but if my brain was fuctioning normally we all wouldn't be here in this shitty mood, crying.

i wish i could just disappear.

godessalthena

:: 2012 26 July :: 4.53pm

Well, it's official. My life is complete! I have an amazing epic jewfro.

godessalthena

:: 2012 24 July :: 4.40am

Things I love:
Bjorne
High-proof liquor
Metalocalypse

Now to get messed up and enjoy the cold side of the bed.

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