suspensionrings
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2005 30 January :: 2.24pm
Thieves, whores, and addicts. Once and always.
No, let's stop framing the question in flowers and sunlight.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Fucking hell.
He asked me (less then a month ago, jebuz) "will you cheat on me." & i said no.
Technically, I just did.
& what bothers me most is I want to do it again.
I could care less about the sex, but it's the interplay that gets to me. The being sexy. The being so close to someone, feeling his shoulder under my arm. Kisses.
& at the same time I love it, & at the same time I am revulsed.
shitshitshitshit.
Didn't believe me when I said I wasn't worth it, did you boy?
Guess that makes you a fool twice over.
(What the hell is wrong with me: What have I become, my sweetest friend.)
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
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suspensionrings
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2005 30 January :: 5.39am
you know, if this were anyone else, i would say, it's only human, don't beat yourself up about it. yeah, it was a shit thing to do, but don't beat yourself up about it. over and over, always the forgiveness. because what are friends for.
but this is me.
& i am the judge, jury, and executioner.
i can't live like this. fuck. not for another two years. not for another five. fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
i missed you the second i realized i was leaving.
i think this may have been the last time
oh, god. i just want to . . .
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suspensionrings
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2005 29 January :: 5.59pm
You know. Reading over old entries I realized just how . . . uptight I was. & that was only a couple of weeks ago.
Somehow I've learned to relax. Not to worry about it.
That scares me, it's always when I'm happy that I do the most harm.
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suspensionrings
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2005 29 January :: 5.30pm
Originality is for naught, but only in one such as I. Where did the Underground go? What the fuck happened to neverland, to effigy, to Jeezum, why am I so obsessed with killing them all off?
Oh. Right. Jim.
I killed Sab for his sake. Once. In hindsight, at this particular moment, it seems a grevious error. A hideously inhuman act of cold-blooded murder. Butbackmeuponthis: She wanted to die and I know it, I wanted her gone and I know it, I was trying to be this person Shi had brought from within me but--
I killed that too.
Perhaps that is what bothers me most, really, is the girl that Jim met and fell for in Mississippi is not who I am today. I am who I was before I ever met her and now . . . I'm not sure if I'm even capable of coexisting with anyone. This endless circle/spiral . . .
I destroyed the Underground, or they destroyed themselves. Perhaps from too much publicity, perhaps from too little, perhaps it was simply never strong enough to hold its own. Perhaps I needed to be a little more like her [youknow] and keep it all in until it burst forth to devour me.
Maybe I just need to draw more.
I want to speak to them, feel them, become enfolded in them like I used to, but they all smack of death and failure now. Everyone that ever was is dead, even the self-proclaimed "survivor." Jim may have knocked things around a little, but all he really did was sped up the rate of my own decay. Until there was nothing left.
I want/ed to die, so badly. If he hadn't told me it would destroy him to kill myself, I would have. Would still. I live not for the sake of living but for the sake of not harming him.
I suppose it makes about as much sense as clinging to the hope of ever seeing ][.
I dunno, man. I feel so human. It leaves me so lost.
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suspensionrings
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2005 21 January :: 11.20pm
http://www.livejournal.com/users/peaceicon/240632.html
& i find myself wondering what i would do if i ever became pregnant. knee-jerk reaction: kill it. don't spare the sympathy, just off the fucking thing.
barring some random rape, though, it'd be half jim's. i could never kill a child of his. it's so surreal, realizing that even though i technically donated hal fthe dna i would still consider it entirely his, myself nothing but an incubator.
[i was serious when i said i'd carry their child. her egg, his sperm, my womb. & i could get my tubes tied and--
what.
give up? forever?
]
i'm slightly drunk and very depressed, these tend to go hand in hand. the room does not yet spin.
he said, i could have the baby and just give it to him. he'd take it back to california and be a sinlge father and.
i couldn't. fucking. stand that.
it's mine. MINE. my responsibility. my child. my.
like shillowe said, "i'd get too attached, i know i would."
but i couldn't raise it.
but i couldn't leave it.
but i but i but i. arg.
i know if i ever have kid/s i will give it/them so many fucking mental problems . . . genetically if not socially. [my grandfather was depressed. suicide. never met him.] i'd be a shit mother and that scares me. scares me because i would still try. and i would be watching this person that i love beyond all words grow into possibly a version of myself. i don't wish that on anyone.
if any child of mine turns out like me, it'll break my fucking heart.
i guess that's my point. if i even have one.
[it's all hypothetical anyway. i won't even see him for another three months, at best. so whatever, eh.]
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suspensionrings
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2005 21 January :: 12.12am
& i can envision us having this same goddamn arguement, and he becomes less tolerent with each iteration. i'm afraid, i'm afraid, i'm afraid, and he's endlessly pissed off at me for it.
i mean. i can understand why but.
well, fuck. no buts.
no excuses.
sab just choking the life out of me again. i'll be fine.
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suspensionrings
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2005 20 January :: 10.51pm
what am i doing and why? i think i'm leading this guy on . . . no, i know i am. halff-assed excuses about internet porn not meaning anything are so lame and i know it.
& retardedly, the only reason i'm doing it is because i can't get ahold of jim and i'm lonely.
i sicken myself, often and in a wide variety of new and exciting ways.
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suspensionrings
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2005 18 January :: 5.39am
he says, i really ought to fantasize about you. i say, what clever bullshit.
don't ever force yourself because of me.
don't ever hold back because of me.
don't ever deny because of me.
don't ever. anything. because of me.
and he says, i will grow to love you. and i say, don't hold your breath.
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suspensionrings
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2005 17 January :: 8.50pm
as long as we're throwing songs around -- as lovers go, dashboard confessional. something about inferiority.
it's really sad how long i could just watch him be.
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suspensionrings
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2005 17 January :: 6.07pm
trying to let go of all my old obsessions. funny how the one lets the other melt away. & jim? i dunno. something about eating apples under a tree.
getit?
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suspensionrings
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2005 16 January :: 6.30pm
i turn you are a perfect drug offto try to regain some emotional stability
and it comes up with head over feet
YES. THANK YOU. SO GODDAMN HELPFUL.
knowing what the problem is re:corwin doesn't make it automatically go away
starting to deal.
still pretty messed up, though. it's been a long fucking day and all i want to is to fall asleep in jim's arms . . . closest i get is a fucking webcam and text message.
angstsighweepsadfaceaargh.
hff. good as it'll get. for now if not for ever.
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suspensionrings
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2005 16 January :: 8.26am
The Beatles --- In My Life.
Oh.
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suspensionrings
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2005 14 January :: 1.19am
you know. i never thought it'd bother me.
i never thought i would be so
"jealous"
but then i realized why
[i guess i always figured i'd be on top]
sucks being second. third. whatever.
it just sucks.
what the hell am i doing to myself?
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suspensionrings
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2005 14 January :: 12.37am
"McCormic's Vodka is the taste
of my love life falling apart"
someone else's words. someone else's world.
hits like a cement mixer, even so.
[uvblue]
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suspensionrings
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2005 12 January :: 9.50pm
&
it really did sound like it was about me.
[emokidemokid.cliche.]
but it never was, really. i can do nothing to or for. alas alas.
&
it's all just denoum[i can't spell it. the story's over, i mean. this is epilogue. i'm hanging on to what no longer exists.]
&
the part that hurts the most [sometimes. others at other times. whatever]
is the whole "life goes on" thing. i can't tell him to sod off. not strong enough for that. so he'll keep calling me every other day or so. and i'll keep falling into this fucking spiral. again and again and again
and
i really fucking hate being in love
and
i just want to be loved back for once
and
fuck it fuck it fuck it.
i don't cry, per se. but this is breaking me in two. as it always has been. and as it always will.
"give it a year," i keep telling myself, and i will in theory be over him.
just like i got over corwin.
just like i got over alicia.
just like i can't get over anything at all.
even if i never talk to him again. if one or other of us drops off the face of the earth. he'll still be there. back of my mind, memories, imaginary voices. dreams. still there.
and in a year i can learn to choke it down.
and in a year i can learn to accept my defeat.
and in a year i can be. "over." him.
99% of the time.
i'm losing by attrition.
my whole world is falling in love with you.
i'd thought i had it this time, you know? someone i could trust. with everything.
& he's fucking me over just as wonderfully as they both did. he doesn't mean to, no one does. but still.
"cock it", i'm bitter. & stupid. & & &.
fool-child. shhh.
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