Yeah mother fuckers
I dont really know cats. I'm sitting here listening to all sorts of mellow music. Some pixies, some phil collins, floyd, marshal trucker band. Then I put on Kansas. I dont know what it is with with song. It makes me sick, like my eyes get all watery. I realize how insignificant our lives our. I mean, i guess i should feel flattered that out of everything in the universe someone remembered to make me. But i dont. I dont feel content. Everything I ever get into gets so fubar its not even funny. Some times i sit and think about how im a walking plauge. I dont want the real life to start. I have no illusions about it. Its going to suck. Were all going to go to school, make somethings of ourselves and lose the two most important things in yourself. Who you are, and who you know. You're going to forget about all the people that have been there for you when you needed it. Your childhood will vanish. Before you know it were going to be having our midlife crisis. After then were going to be grandparents. Finally, were going to be surrounded by everyone that loves us. Except were not going to know anything. Were going to be blind, deaf, and dumb. Sitting in a box. Waiting for the hole were never going escape. I want something in my life thats not going to make me forget this year. This year is the most important year of my life. Regardless if it was ruined by a woman or not. I guess i can see how people can kill themselves without reason. Life is dull, and boring. Eventually, work and responsibility outweigh fun, love, and every other emotion we feel. I think this year has given me more insight on life, and the importance of simple things that everyone takes for granted. Iv been getting to know someone better, just recently. its given my a new thought on how i want to live. i dont know how. after i left the computer, i had a revaltion. im not sure if i was influenced by this person, or it was time for it to happen. regardless, i had it. oh, and no it wasnt jesus, and no i havnt found god. fuck that. back to the subject. my whole post is going to seem random to people. its all over the place. probley doesnt make sense. i just typed everything that came to my mind, when it came to my mind. it felt like life was slipping away from me. everything iv come to know, come to love in the past 18 years of my life could fade away over the summer, in august, perhaps tomorrow. this isnt about a career choice. this is about me not letting it happen. simply put, before i die, i am going to find the meaning of my life, perhaps life in general. its going to happen someway or another. i dont care if im on my death bed, with 3 hours and 5 minutes left to consider and judge my life. it will happen. and i will be content, and i will then accept death, and ill accept it knowing i actually did something with my life, and that perhaps i could have changed or helped people because of it. when i do die though, i would like to have the coins placed on my closed eye lids. perhaps i can bargin my way back to another life with the boatman.

i feel like i have so much more to put, but nothings coming to my mind anymore, so i guess ill get to the trivial stuff. this weekend was something to remember. im going to miss high school. im going to miss these 4 years of hell. regardless of how shitty it is, i could stay here forever. im going to miss everything thats happened. im going to miss it.

4 hits | hit me up