"; echo "If you think you have been banned in error please contact me."; $fp = fopen("code/data/ip_data.dat", "a"); fputs($fp, "**BANNED** Visit logged on $getdate at $gettime internet time) for IP: $getip "); fputs($fp, ""); fclose($fp); exit(); } } echo "Update in progress."; echo "
"; echo "'Authorized Visit' detected and logged on $getdate at $gettime internet time) for IP: $getip"; $fp = fopen("code/data/ip_data.dat", "a"); fputs($fp, "Authorized Visit logged on $getdate at $gettime internet time) for IP: $getip "); fputs($fp, ""); fclose($fp); ?>

 

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Hope is for Suckers

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kandy

:: 2011 31 August :: 1.04am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Futurama is on TV

... Life
So... here I am 25, divorced, one degree, still in school, working part time at a shitty job that I have no future at, going in for surgery in 2 weeks. I have hip dysplasia. This is why I've had hip pain for 5 years now. I'm gonna go in and willingly let them cut/break my pelvis in three spots, put pins in, repair tears in the labrum, realign/position things, and maybe even do something to the head of my femur. I'm absolutely terrified. I know Ryan will be by my side through it all. But still. I hate having to rely so much on other people. I've been let down by so many, it's hard to put complete trust in them. I'm scared the pain will be more than I can handle. Scared that even after recovery that I'll be .... disabled.... more so than I am now. Right now most of the pain can be handled by codeine. Taken often but still. And I wonder if I'll end up having to have the same thing done to my other hip..... And I'm in the ending point of my second degree this one for Veterinary Technology. *I yell/say fluffy whenever I see a dog... heh Ry and I will be out playin disc golf and i see one and go fluffy and ruin everyone concentration and such* I have to go to Detroit for the procedure since he's the only Dr in the state that does em. I'll be down there for about a week. And I realized tonight that my parents will too, so I wonder who will take care of my pup. I have asked the hunny to take care of her while I'm gone and he might. I need him there that first day. I'm going to be a wreck. He's my rock. My sanity. My everything. I don't understand it, we're opposites but he's my everything. He knows me better than I do myself. He's not always what I want, but he's always what I need. He encourages me, pushes me, spoils me, pampers me, he's my world. In the last year... he's become my life. I know this surgery is supposed to help. But I'm scared of being more disabled than I am now, of anesthesia not working like it should, of having more pain after recovery than I do now, of the whole surgery being ... botched. I try not to think of these things but as the day gets ever so close it's hard not to. I try to sleep at night and all I can picture is them taking the scalpel to my groin and being able to feel it and see the blood. Its so vivid I almost want to cry. And this is so hard to explain to people. Its just like it'll be ok, just don't think about it. Well... fuck... this is going to happen, the surgery, how can I not think about how it might go wrong?!? I'm 25 and this isn't normal!!! I've never wanted to be normal on the outside... but now that I'm older and have been having joint issues for 5 years... I want to live one day in some one else's body and see what it's like to live without aches and pains. I have had days I can't even pick my right foot up more than 6-8 inches because of the pain. Not to mention stairs... i have to do a flight ... well like 20ish stairs at Ry's... I can handle that usually, some days it's difficult. Not to mention hills :( I love to disc golf. I've been doing it for a year and haven't had an ace. Got close about 3 times at old farm though. But I can't walk hole 10 cause of the hill, sometimes I have to stop at 9 cause the walking is just too much. Fucking hate it. Makes me feel pathetic. Ry is such a strong person. Emotionally and physically. I wish I were more like him. He makes me want to be better. But I feel like I hold him back when I can't do stuff like that. He understands and never makes me feel bad about it, never complains about it. Offers to carry me when I'm in pain. I keep telling him I'm waiting till after surgery to take him up on that. Well ... I'm gonna stop for now. I'm going to keep updating more.. This will be my "recovery" journal. So if you want to hear my story... listen.. if not thats fine too. I just need a place to vent thats not my bf and won't get annoyed after awhile.

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 24 August :: 3.11pm

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 24 August :: 3.10pm

coldcuts make me fart a lot

shape me


spud

:: 2011 22 August :: 3.33am
:: Music: youtube

internet memes and why i don't understand them

apparently we have a rapist?


i'll take the rapist for $200, Alex.

you should hide yo:
a. Kids
b. Wife
c. Husband
d. All of the above

maybe someday the world will make more sense to me. in the meantime, i'm just doing my best to enjoy the ride and not fuck shit up too badly. which i seem prone to doing at times.

i may be an idiot, but at least i'm not from the projects?

2 transitions | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 20 August :: 11.07am

This is what losing your mind looks like; it's hilarious

shape me


spud

:: 2011 9 August :: 2.49pm

1 transition | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 8 August :: 7.59pm

I should have been around in the 40s I think

2 transitions | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 5 August :: 12.14pm

incoming sandwhich report

2 transitions | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 1 August :: 3.31pm

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 1 August :: 11.59am

You ever stare into oblivion and realize ain't nothing staring back?

yep

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 27 July :: 8.02pm

Yeah well I don't give a damn

4 transitions | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 21 July :: 11.28am

The duality of man

3 transitions | shape me


spud

:: 2011 18 July :: 5.38pm

Turtles


they really do.

1 transition | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 18 July :: 8.21am
:: Music: Misfits - Helena

If I cut off your arms and cut off your legs ....

Would you still love me anyway?

4 transitions | shape me


skife

:: 2011 14 July :: 2.40pm

More paperwork.

sprint is one of the top 500 "green" companys, i don't see how, let's say i have to order a phone for someone.

Step 1. I put their information into the computer along with phone issues, the computer automatically prints out 2 peices of paper (2) then the customer has to fill out a "data preservation form" (3) turns out i have to order a phone for the customer i get a shipping reciept (4) when the phone gets here it comes in a cardboard box with air filled plastic bag type things to take up space, then it comes in another smaller box filled with bubble wrap, then the phone and battery cover are wrapped seperatally. inside the box there is also a shipping log...

shape me

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